(no subject)
I haven't been around much here...lots has been happening...and I don't even know how to express it! 2007 has been a year of loss for me.
It started out with me loosing my fav baby cat, then a few months later I lost her dad, two fur babies gone. My Double Yellow napped amazon bird who is 21, has been sick with lung issues three times this year. I worry.
Then my son split from his wife who I loved, and should say still love, and they are divorced. It is good for them but I grieve the pretend grand children I had with them together.
My back got worse, the shot didn't work, and I got mad and am starting to push past it. Nothing like allowing doctors to call you fat and loose your self-esteem.
My doctor of 18 years firing me because they no longer take my insurance, TWO MONTH of trying to find a new doctor. Then the scare of Bladder Cancer...and then the scare of Breast Cancer...Not connecting with the doctor or the staff...feeling vulnerable in my medical care!
My boyfriend started to wheeze really bad...cough...and scare the hell out of me because he was convinced he had lung cancer and was going to die because his mother died at 46 and was diagnosed with it at 45...he turned 45 this year...hence the huge fear! It got so bad he FINALLY quit smoking but he still wheezes so bad at night I have to sleep with ear plugs or he keeps me up. He refuses to go to the doctor because they kill people and then he reminds me how awful MY experiences are with Doctors...and I can't really say a thing!
Then my job SLOWED down and I am SO fricken bored I can't stand it...is it ageism? Do they just not want to give me work because I am not the "cute perky one" in the office now? Rolling eyes...do they just want to push me out? What? What the Frick is it when we get passed the role of Harlot, passed the bitch and start to enter the world of the crone life twists! I feel useless! My fav boss retired this year, the only person at work who I ever felt really got me. He was a cheerleader for me and he is gone... I feel REALLY alone there... And it makes me sad. Friends from work are retiring, 4 this month alone...I have never been there without these people and one is a personal friend who kept my spirits up AND also, knew a lot and I could always lean on her...she was a mentor to me...this sucks.
My art group had to break apart and start back up from a woman who was SO hard to have in the group and we went through a time of her emailing vile things to all of us...I LEARNED again NOT to tolerate crazy!
And now my best friend, the one I waited for all of my life, this woman inspires me so much. I have so much in common with her, and nothing in common! LOL She was a gift from the Universe I am SO lucky to have met Lucy. We instantly bonded on a very sad day for me, the Universe sent me Lucy when I needed a special moment to compensate for the heart wrenching sad one. Since having to make the decision not to have my daughter in my life, and knowing that there would be painful days, the day I became a grandmother, with empty arms, Lucy was there. She has been my joy...both being artists we love working on art together...showing what we have learned. Swapping art. She had instantly become my best friend, that was February 12, 2005. Not that long ago. And we have loved each other a life time. Then on May 1, 2005 we spent a day alone without the other ladies that were in our group and enjoyed it so much, she looked at me and said "I have been waiting for YOU all my life!" At which point I cried and said "NO I have been waiting for YOU all my life!" That was the day a friend of 20 years ripped my heart out and God gave me Lucy! Who is SO much better for my soul!
Last Saturday she delivered devastating news, hearing for the first time that not only does she has stage 2 ovarian cancer, she has pancreatic cancer, sent me reeling. I know that each of our journeys are different but we are all in the human element. It is all so personal for each of us. And I know for sure that in this country we do not deal with death, dieing, and sickness very well. This culture buries their heads like it doesn't happen. If we don't acknowledge it, it will never come! LOL
So no more sadness!!!!...we will move out of this grief and back to living a very fun and silly life until we can't! : ) We had a good long talk and we are very lucky she has always been in good health which will give her strength. She has ALWAYS been a positive person, Lucy has cancer, cancer does not have Lucy! We won't spend another minute grieving it is a waste of time right now, we will get busy living and doing what ever she wants!!! I told her no boundaries! What does she want to do! We are doing it!
I have my bad moments though...and have to acknowledge that this is my year of loss...This is the collage I made last night trying to put all my emotions that I can't express into it!
It started out with me loosing my fav baby cat, then a few months later I lost her dad, two fur babies gone. My Double Yellow napped amazon bird who is 21, has been sick with lung issues three times this year. I worry.
Then my son split from his wife who I loved, and should say still love, and they are divorced. It is good for them but I grieve the pretend grand children I had with them together.
My back got worse, the shot didn't work, and I got mad and am starting to push past it. Nothing like allowing doctors to call you fat and loose your self-esteem.
My doctor of 18 years firing me because they no longer take my insurance, TWO MONTH of trying to find a new doctor. Then the scare of Bladder Cancer...and then the scare of Breast Cancer...Not connecting with the doctor or the staff...feeling vulnerable in my medical care!
My boyfriend started to wheeze really bad...cough...and scare the hell out of me because he was convinced he had lung cancer and was going to die because his mother died at 46 and was diagnosed with it at 45...he turned 45 this year...hence the huge fear! It got so bad he FINALLY quit smoking but he still wheezes so bad at night I have to sleep with ear plugs or he keeps me up. He refuses to go to the doctor because they kill people and then he reminds me how awful MY experiences are with Doctors...and I can't really say a thing!
Then my job SLOWED down and I am SO fricken bored I can't stand it...is it ageism? Do they just not want to give me work because I am not the "cute perky one" in the office now? Rolling eyes...do they just want to push me out? What? What the Frick is it when we get passed the role of Harlot, passed the bitch and start to enter the world of the crone life twists! I feel useless! My fav boss retired this year, the only person at work who I ever felt really got me. He was a cheerleader for me and he is gone... I feel REALLY alone there... And it makes me sad. Friends from work are retiring, 4 this month alone...I have never been there without these people and one is a personal friend who kept my spirits up AND also, knew a lot and I could always lean on her...she was a mentor to me...this sucks.
My art group had to break apart and start back up from a woman who was SO hard to have in the group and we went through a time of her emailing vile things to all of us...I LEARNED again NOT to tolerate crazy!
And now my best friend, the one I waited for all of my life, this woman inspires me so much. I have so much in common with her, and nothing in common! LOL She was a gift from the Universe I am SO lucky to have met Lucy. We instantly bonded on a very sad day for me, the Universe sent me Lucy when I needed a special moment to compensate for the heart wrenching sad one. Since having to make the decision not to have my daughter in my life, and knowing that there would be painful days, the day I became a grandmother, with empty arms, Lucy was there. She has been my joy...both being artists we love working on art together...showing what we have learned. Swapping art. She had instantly become my best friend, that was February 12, 2005. Not that long ago. And we have loved each other a life time. Then on May 1, 2005 we spent a day alone without the other ladies that were in our group and enjoyed it so much, she looked at me and said "I have been waiting for YOU all my life!" At which point I cried and said "NO I have been waiting for YOU all my life!" That was the day a friend of 20 years ripped my heart out and God gave me Lucy! Who is SO much better for my soul!
Last Saturday she delivered devastating news, hearing for the first time that not only does she has stage 2 ovarian cancer, she has pancreatic cancer, sent me reeling. I know that each of our journeys are different but we are all in the human element. It is all so personal for each of us. And I know for sure that in this country we do not deal with death, dieing, and sickness very well. This culture buries their heads like it doesn't happen. If we don't acknowledge it, it will never come! LOL
So no more sadness!!!!...we will move out of this grief and back to living a very fun and silly life until we can't! : ) We had a good long talk and we are very lucky she has always been in good health which will give her strength. She has ALWAYS been a positive person, Lucy has cancer, cancer does not have Lucy! We won't spend another minute grieving it is a waste of time right now, we will get busy living and doing what ever she wants!!! I told her no boundaries! What does she want to do! We are doing it!
I have my bad moments though...and have to acknowledge that this is my year of loss...This is the collage I made last night trying to put all my emotions that I can't express into it!