What we have here is a dreamer, someone completely out of touch with reality..
In so many ways, being back at school is exactly the same.
In so many ways, being back at school is oh so different.
But that's another reason why it's the same.
Does that make sense?
Apparantly, I always ask if what I've said makes sense, or 'Do you know what I mean?', because I don't have enough faith in what I am saying.
Hmm.
I keep thinking about this being our last year.
And how every single thing is the last time we will ever do it.
Like how we will never again have a first day back after summer.
We will never again have the welcome back assembaly,
or the handing out homework diaries&time tables in the common room.
It's all the little things which I am going to miss.
And all the familiar faces, who you never actually talk to, but who are always there. Just, around.
I hate having people being so sad&down around me.
But at the same time,
I think it helps.
Do you ever find that when you are comforting someone,
it forces you to think of all the good things. The things you never tell to yourself,
but you would say to an upset friend.
It makes me notice them, and it makes me feel better too.
It's like, giving yourself therapy I guess,
only in a much more second-hand way.
I don't know if that is at all understandable, but it's like,
yeah.
I hate coming back.
How it all falls into place.
But into all the wrong places.
I'm changing it though.
Well, trying.
I feel so swamped with things already, but that is not what my new year is supposed to be about.
And it makes me so unwilling to try.
So much happened to people over summer,
leaving school, plastic surgeory, seriously-major-wieght-loss, I am never going on someones shoulders. Ever. Again.
The thing that's most weird at the moment,
is having the other brother home.
It's like, the wrong way round.
Back to front.
They have swapped, it's a different one at the same school,
and a different one in front of the same tv.
It's not bad,
it's just, confusing.
I have so much to say.
I don't know how to put it into words.
There's so much about what's happened already,
and so many feelings about what's going to happen.
Time is moving so quickly.
But in slow motion.
I feel like I'm wasting it away.
At times.
I want to live every-last-second to the full.
I want to have the fun like those memories.
You know, the ones which bring a smile to your face just by thinking about them.
That's what I wish life could be like.
But, so much of it is artificial happiness.
Or it's the kind, which goes away as soon as you go home.
Not the kind that keeps you laughing sitting on the bus,
putting your key in the lcck,
when you're going to bed.
It's the quick-bang-gone kind.
Owh.
Instead of coming back to school excited about seeing everyone,
it felt like there was a huge space between people.
Like everyone is still in another country, on a different beach, with different people& different feelings,
and none of the conversations are taking that distance away.
I feel weirdly closer, and more comfortable,
with the friends who I would never before have considered close.
And further and further away from the rest.
Like we just ran out of friendship.
The end of term feels like so long ago.
When everyone was together in a group,
everybody was getting closer, everybody was relaxing more around eachother.
I think it's a nearly-summer thing, though.
And that this,
well, it must just be a back-to-school thing, I guess.
It's just, I don't like it.
But then again, in so many ways, I like it a lot better.
Oh god more contradiction again.
For someone who didn't have much to say,
I've written an essay.
I sound like an essay too.
Photos of Isle of White, stolen from Sarah.
We went to Isle of White for a weekend.
It was so much fun.
Thank you, Sarah.
( :
We stayed in a caravan.
We had bacon butties& cider.
We had a barbeque and drank wine out of paper cups.
We had sticks of rock& ice cream.
We went swimming at 8o clock in the morning.
We had a bed that folded out of the wall.
We went exploring.
[I made them play red indians]
We went to a funfair.
We went on a ferry.
We got frozen.
It was boiling.
We went to see the multicoloured sands.
There was a street called Tulse Hill.
There was another street called Sydenham Hill.
It reminded me of Wales, I kept wanting to go to Poppit beach.
I loved falling asleep, hearing the wind& the waves.
I was so happy, and so relaxed.
Everything in London went completely out of my mind.
It was what I needed.
I didn't need to come back, I didn't want to come back.
I think weekend away are so good for you,
but so bad at the same time. It makes being back so much worse.
But the weekend
--I loved it.
[[I'm happy to be home, I suppose]]
....When she jumped, she probably thought she could fly.