On Connor turning One - a retrospective musing of the past year and a half.
My son turned One year old on this past Monday. It feels as if he's always been here, though. As if he were always a part of my being and my soul - I'd feel incomplete without him. I suppose one could argue that since half of his DNA is mine, he always has been part of me. Motherhood is a curious thing. I once read a quote that likened it to living with a part of your heart beating outside of your body, or something akin to that (forgive me, it is late!). I had difficulty comprehending that quote until my son was born. It is different now, than when he was tiny, and I was breastfeeding him. Our relationship was a bit more fluid - I still felt as if he were a part of me, at that point, not a separate being. As time has passed since he was weaned from me and introduced to formula (I wish he'd never needed to be on formula, and he was weaned far too early in my opinion, but working 8 hour days was not very conducive to a successful breastfeeding relationship!). Sometimes I lay awake at night, and think of all that has transpired in the past year and a half; I find it overwhelming, and feel lucky that I made it out in once piece.
My relationship with Adam was more whirlwind than it was romance. I was blinded by lust, and a bit of desperation. In the beginning, things were okay, but once we moved back to Massachusetts there were red flags thrown up left and right... I suppose I allowed them to blend in with the other stressors and problems in my life and ignored them. I was quite unwise not to listen when I was repeatedly shown the flags waving so blatently in my face. I refused to allow myself to see the forest for the trees. I was so desperate for the happiness I was so jealous of in her life. In one sense, I felt I could not have what (or who... would be more accurate) I desired deep down in my heart that I forced myself to accept something far below my dreams, and definitely below my standards rather than taking a chance and being straightforward and addressing that desire. I allowed myself to be treated in an appalling manner, and like most victims of abuse I managed to convince myself that I deserved the treatment that I recieved. Granted, it wasn't abuse in a physical manner, but the psychological pain is going to take a long time to heal too. I alienated my loved ones, but that was his intent - the lies and all, to separate me from my other half. I've felt for the past year and a half that I've been walking around without half of my heart. To top it all off, if I'd had the cojones to actually admit things my life probably would be very different - I refuse to speculate how different, but definitely different.
Don't get me wrong, I love my son. But I do wonder from time to time what could have been if...
When I found out I was pregnant, I was a jumbled mess of emotions. To some degree I was horrified, because I knew people would be dissappointed/upset with me. I wasn't excited persay, however I was not dissappointed. I love children, and have always looked forward to having one of my own (I just thought that the timing, the place, and the players would be slightly different). I became consumed with myself and my child, the acceptance of my impending motherhood. Being pregnant was not difficult, it was all the perpherals that came along with it that I had difficulty coping with. Soon after I wrapped my brain around the idea that there was a little person growing inside of me I had one of the most difficult time periods that I've ever experienced. I hated myself, I felt trapped - by my heart, by my feelings... by my child, by the people who love me and have given me so much. To those people, I express nothing but gratitude. I understand what had to happen, but I know it wasn't easy for any of us. I bear them no ill will, and still love them very much. I wish I'd made a slightly different decision. I wish I'd had the courage to bring Connor into this world without Adam's help, but I needed him by my side at that moment. If I'd chosen otherwise, I wonder if anyone else would have held my hand when I needed... Alas, I'd been manipulated. I needed him simply because he needed me to need him. For someone who has more than half a brain, I sure was not thinking clearly.
I knew that bringing a child into this world is an amazing and special experience, but I never fully grasped just how wonderful it is to be a mother. The first time that I held Connor in my arms I was speechless. There are not words that adequately describe the feeling I had - if I had to choose a word, Awestruck would be the closest to the truth. Stating that it was 'love at first sight' would be incorrect, as I loved him long before that moment. Despite the happiness I felt, I had to surpress the desire to call the loved ones who had separated themeselves from me. I knew Connor was going to be a boy, from the beginning - Just a gut feeling. When the ultrasound tech told us that he was a boy, I exclaimed "I knew it!" and laughed. I love my little boy so much. With each milestone that he's achieved I have to ignore the ache, and sadness that creeps up once again. His first tooth, his first word... and now he's walking!!
When I threw Adam out, I was still in denial, and desperate. As much as I didn't want to trust him (I'll not get into the specifics, but if you care to know, just ask) I wanted the 'perfect family'. The dream was out of reach, and I'd lost whatever hope I still clung to. After much soul searching, I realized I was wrong all along; I wept. I felt like a complete fool. Each day is a struggle for me, coping with the pain and loss of the past two years. I almost find it ironic, but I take solace in the fact that I know for a fact that a single mother can make it, find love and be happy. I also know that it takes hard work, sacrifice and dedication. I know that it is a hard, lonely road that I'm on. I realize now that whether she wanted to be or not.... She is a role model to me. It was her words that echoed in my head the night that I threw him out. Telling me that I am better, stronger, and can do better. She never wanted me to make the same mistakes, and thanks to her honesty - I will not. I'm putting a wall up, and guarding my heart. I only wish I had the courage to tell her.
So, this has become a lament of lost love and friends, not a joyful celebration of my son... I apologize, but it is the truth of the past year. I will write a post with a happier tone celebrating my beautiful, intelligent son soon. However, in Connor's words "Aaaah Daaaah!" All Done. I'm done for the night....