Eunuchs from the Heavenly Kingdom (Le Relationship...?)
(I should SO be doing other things right now... why do I get addicted to these writerly/artsy things?)
So yes. And then in the midst of Le Divorce I got into a relationship, or something like it. Me and this guy Andy, we started writing each other emails, like pen pals--oh the Victorianism!!! And then I was like... hmm... tasty. Which you'd think would naturally lead to other things, but no...!
Lemme backtrack a moment: I was supervised by my embittered mother since I hit puberty because God Forbid I get knocked up like my sister or get a terrible husband like her... plus she's a Jehovah's Witness... so that plus my own fears and pessimism and misconstrued idea that no one would ever GET me, the most I'd done with boys was push em against a wall, make out, and then turn tail and leave. And then I'd laugh--"Haha-haha! Men are so easy!" And I stayed in that naive little bubble... and oh yes, I had this terrible stigma about loosing my virginity. Blame God. Blame my parents. Blame society. Blame Las Vegas! I say it was me using it as an excuse to never have the possiblility of a relationship which might equal love. Love scares me shitless.
I met Andy through a friend. This friend, Jeff, was in love with me. He thought he had some kind of right over me despite that I insistantly told him I had no romantic feelings for him. I even asked if he didn't want to be friends anymore, but he said no, it'd be worse if we weren't. And I pitied him. It's bad, isn't it? And probably the last thing the guy would want to hear. But beleive me, it was hard not to--he complained about everything to me, including how much he hated his life and himself. Then asked why oh why I didn't love him. So when I asked Andy if he was single, yeah, I figured eventually Jeff would be hurt. But it was fucking faster than I could say to Andy, "keep your pants zipped, yes, I know I'm teasing you but I like it."
"The Story" gets sketchy around here. I don't know what the fuck happened. Did Andy really text Jeff saying "I just banged your girl!" after our first date? Did their mutual friends actually talk smack about me and say they wanted to knock me out? And then I gotta hear all these rumours... Jeff tells me Andy date raped this girl I sort of know, who was his ex, and that he and Nick go to Little Darlings because they know someone who works there, who lets them fuck the strippers for 40 bucks. That Andy's never been faithful to his girlfriends, who he treats like shit. That he gets it wherever he can. And then Jeff brings up the Bible. Now, I stopped believing in God when I was 14, but coupled with how bad I felt about my parent's divorce, how much I felt like I had no guidance or father figure, I opened up to the idea. His religion does something I term "Bible Dipping." So I asked about me and Andy because despite everything, I still had a lust like I coudln't imagine for him. (To which Jeff would say "You're replacing your dad with another asshole!" ) But I asked. And jeff translated. "You're the Whore of Babylon." ... So then I replied, "What the fuck? You say your religion isn't uptight about sex." And he says, "It's because you did it under fucked up circumstances." I stared. I knew what he meant--he thought I screwed him over for dating someone he knew, for dating in general. So I argued. And...
Holy jesus!!! I'm tired of this subject already! So anyway, eventually I figured either, A) Jeff is lying, or B) he's not but I'm gonna regret not finding out for myself. And also Andy kept emailing me, and eventually I emailed him back. So we went out again. We've been seeing each other again for ... a month? Maybe it's close to two. But somewhere during the start of it again, he said that he didn't want to commit. That he's too old to say yes so soon. I also think, honestly, that from the outside perspective I was a little crazy. I was hot and cold with him. So he says "no relationship" and I say "I'm seeing that guy Junior that Shane wants to hook me up with..." Because also, I'm afraid. I don't know if it's lingering from what I had to hear about Andy, or just what would be the usual relationship woes. The thought, will he hurt me? Well anyway, I've hung out with Junior twice, and even tossed around the idea of asking Mon Edmond if he still digs me, or those string of friends Brandon brings over who oogle but can't put a sentence together, but naw...
Still, I feel myself trying to detach emotionally. I started sleeping with Andy last month or something, but afterwards, when he cuddles, I think--don't get too comfertable. Remember, you only have yourself.
So yes. And then in the midst of Le Divorce I got into a relationship, or something like it. Me and this guy Andy, we started writing each other emails, like pen pals--oh the Victorianism!!! And then I was like... hmm... tasty. Which you'd think would naturally lead to other things, but no...!
Lemme backtrack a moment: I was supervised by my embittered mother since I hit puberty because God Forbid I get knocked up like my sister or get a terrible husband like her... plus she's a Jehovah's Witness... so that plus my own fears and pessimism and misconstrued idea that no one would ever GET me, the most I'd done with boys was push em against a wall, make out, and then turn tail and leave. And then I'd laugh--"Haha-haha! Men are so easy!" And I stayed in that naive little bubble... and oh yes, I had this terrible stigma about loosing my virginity. Blame God. Blame my parents. Blame society. Blame Las Vegas! I say it was me using it as an excuse to never have the possiblility of a relationship which might equal love. Love scares me shitless.
I met Andy through a friend. This friend, Jeff, was in love with me. He thought he had some kind of right over me despite that I insistantly told him I had no romantic feelings for him. I even asked if he didn't want to be friends anymore, but he said no, it'd be worse if we weren't. And I pitied him. It's bad, isn't it? And probably the last thing the guy would want to hear. But beleive me, it was hard not to--he complained about everything to me, including how much he hated his life and himself. Then asked why oh why I didn't love him. So when I asked Andy if he was single, yeah, I figured eventually Jeff would be hurt. But it was fucking faster than I could say to Andy, "keep your pants zipped, yes, I know I'm teasing you but I like it."
"The Story" gets sketchy around here. I don't know what the fuck happened. Did Andy really text Jeff saying "I just banged your girl!" after our first date? Did their mutual friends actually talk smack about me and say they wanted to knock me out? And then I gotta hear all these rumours... Jeff tells me Andy date raped this girl I sort of know, who was his ex, and that he and Nick go to Little Darlings because they know someone who works there, who lets them fuck the strippers for 40 bucks. That Andy's never been faithful to his girlfriends, who he treats like shit. That he gets it wherever he can. And then Jeff brings up the Bible. Now, I stopped believing in God when I was 14, but coupled with how bad I felt about my parent's divorce, how much I felt like I had no guidance or father figure, I opened up to the idea. His religion does something I term "Bible Dipping." So I asked about me and Andy because despite everything, I still had a lust like I coudln't imagine for him. (To which Jeff would say "You're replacing your dad with another asshole!" ) But I asked. And jeff translated. "You're the Whore of Babylon." ... So then I replied, "What the fuck? You say your religion isn't uptight about sex." And he says, "It's because you did it under fucked up circumstances." I stared. I knew what he meant--he thought I screwed him over for dating someone he knew, for dating in general. So I argued. And...
Holy jesus!!! I'm tired of this subject already! So anyway, eventually I figured either, A) Jeff is lying, or B) he's not but I'm gonna regret not finding out for myself. And also Andy kept emailing me, and eventually I emailed him back. So we went out again. We've been seeing each other again for ... a month? Maybe it's close to two. But somewhere during the start of it again, he said that he didn't want to commit. That he's too old to say yes so soon. I also think, honestly, that from the outside perspective I was a little crazy. I was hot and cold with him. So he says "no relationship" and I say "I'm seeing that guy Junior that Shane wants to hook me up with..." Because also, I'm afraid. I don't know if it's lingering from what I had to hear about Andy, or just what would be the usual relationship woes. The thought, will he hurt me? Well anyway, I've hung out with Junior twice, and even tossed around the idea of asking Mon Edmond if he still digs me, or those string of friends Brandon brings over who oogle but can't put a sentence together, but naw...
Still, I feel myself trying to detach emotionally. I started sleeping with Andy last month or something, but afterwards, when he cuddles, I think--don't get too comfertable. Remember, you only have yourself.