I'm Convinced
Infatuated again.
I'm convinced I'm going through some sort of fucked-up-early-mid-life- crisis.
Ever since Raul and I opened doors to other opportunities, I have been presented with a few. However, I've been out of the game so long that I no longer know how to go about closing the deal.
And I hate telling people I'm separated. I hate telling people I'm separated for several reasons. First and foremost, people tend to freak out. And I know it's coming from a good place, but I hate it. I hate being pitied. Especially when I shouldn't be. Raul and I still have a very amazing relationship...it's just not the kind that most people want or are willing to accept. That's their problem, not mine. Second, I constantly get asked what I'm doing to fix it. That's a loaded question, and there's no good answer for it. I guess the answer would be "nothing" but that's not true. But then again it is true. We are both in agreement that marriage counseling is pretty much a load of crap in our case. We know exactly what's going on...we don't need to pay someone scads of money to tell us what we should or should not be doing. And lastly, telling people I'm separated seems almost like I'm advertising the fact that I am once again available. And that appears desperate. I suppose it's up to each individual person to draw their own conclusions upon hearing the news, but the bottom line is: I've accepted it; you should too.
Climbing down off of my soap box, let's get back to the infatuation. Understand the fact that I have known this guy for most of my theatrical life. We're talking about 10 years. And I have had a crush on him- innocent or serious depending on the given time- for about 5 or 6 of those years. He has always been one of the coolest people I know, if not the coolest. He's a rock star with a heart of gold. He's an old soul. If the timing had been right, I think I could have fallen in love, married and lived out the rest of my days with him without even a sidelong glance at another man. We had a conversation the other day that got steered into a really weird direction. I'm not going to specify what, because I'm not even sure if I know. And then I saw him at dinner last night. And for the first time in our 10 years of friendship, things were awkward. At first it was exhilarating: the butterflies, the mutual caught stares across the table while friends were talking, the embarrassment and downcast eyes when caught- you get the picture. But it quickly turned depressing. I'm not sure why. Perhaps because I realized that if anything ever happened between us, it would be casual at best. Not that I'm opposed to casual sex...anyone who knows me would scoff at that...but I suppose somewhere in my heart, he holds a very special place. Whereas in some "sexual" trysts I might be proud to be considered a statistic, I'm not sure I could bear it with him. But then again, if something were to happen, maybe we would hold some kind of secret connection that no one understands...maybe I wouldn't actually spiral down some deep black pit of despair and longing. Maybe I'm one step closer than I realize to finding my soul mate.
I must choose my words carefully.
I'm convinced I'm going through some sort of fucked-up-early-mid-life- crisis.
Ever since Raul and I opened doors to other opportunities, I have been presented with a few. However, I've been out of the game so long that I no longer know how to go about closing the deal.
And I hate telling people I'm separated. I hate telling people I'm separated for several reasons. First and foremost, people tend to freak out. And I know it's coming from a good place, but I hate it. I hate being pitied. Especially when I shouldn't be. Raul and I still have a very amazing relationship...it's just not the kind that most people want or are willing to accept. That's their problem, not mine. Second, I constantly get asked what I'm doing to fix it. That's a loaded question, and there's no good answer for it. I guess the answer would be "nothing" but that's not true. But then again it is true. We are both in agreement that marriage counseling is pretty much a load of crap in our case. We know exactly what's going on...we don't need to pay someone scads of money to tell us what we should or should not be doing. And lastly, telling people I'm separated seems almost like I'm advertising the fact that I am once again available. And that appears desperate. I suppose it's up to each individual person to draw their own conclusions upon hearing the news, but the bottom line is: I've accepted it; you should too.
Climbing down off of my soap box, let's get back to the infatuation. Understand the fact that I have known this guy for most of my theatrical life. We're talking about 10 years. And I have had a crush on him- innocent or serious depending on the given time- for about 5 or 6 of those years. He has always been one of the coolest people I know, if not the coolest. He's a rock star with a heart of gold. He's an old soul. If the timing had been right, I think I could have fallen in love, married and lived out the rest of my days with him without even a sidelong glance at another man. We had a conversation the other day that got steered into a really weird direction. I'm not going to specify what, because I'm not even sure if I know. And then I saw him at dinner last night. And for the first time in our 10 years of friendship, things were awkward. At first it was exhilarating: the butterflies, the mutual caught stares across the table while friends were talking, the embarrassment and downcast eyes when caught- you get the picture. But it quickly turned depressing. I'm not sure why. Perhaps because I realized that if anything ever happened between us, it would be casual at best. Not that I'm opposed to casual sex...anyone who knows me would scoff at that...but I suppose somewhere in my heart, he holds a very special place. Whereas in some "sexual" trysts I might be proud to be considered a statistic, I'm not sure I could bear it with him. But then again, if something were to happen, maybe we would hold some kind of secret connection that no one understands...maybe I wouldn't actually spiral down some deep black pit of despair and longing. Maybe I'm one step closer than I realize to finding my soul mate.
I must choose my words carefully.