I get it.
Living with chronic depression not really going to be a walk in the park especially unmedicated. I knew that when I decided I really didn't want to be medicated. It still exhausts me. Then heaven forbid John is being a normal being and not fixating on making me happy and I crash. Things are just so crazy at the house and everyone is so stressed and then I can't seem to get employed so I am stressed about that and the fact that everyone else is stressed so I was in tears nearly every night till John was tired of it and said can we not do this for once. Before anyone jumps down his throat he has been being patient with this for 4 years, nearly every night. But it did not help. I want to be normal. Whatever that means, you may ask well what is normal, no one is. No, I don't mean personality. I am hostile and bitchy even when I am happy I don't really have a mind to change that. I just want, for my boyfriend to be able to get frustrated without me bursting into tears and make him feel like a monster, I want to be able to hear new news that is stressful and just think well... Take it one day at a time. Instead I feel overwhelmed and burst into tears. I would like to spend an hour by myself to not lead me into thinking everyone would be happier without me. I don't want pity I just want my body to be done, whatever the hell this is that is causing me to feel like everything is caving in around me. I thought I was nuts. The only person I heard who had anything that sounded like me was someone who was bi-polar. Not that this is bad just it isn't possible. If one has a.d.d. they can't be bi-polar. I don't quite get it... But if that's true... Why is it when they desrcribe what being bipolar means to them, I finally felt like I had something in common. Then talking to Mike who is genuinely suicidal, he has to talk himself out of it every night and... I'm not there. I hate me... I have thought people would be happier without me but have only tried once. And then freaking yahoo answers a girl is panicking like me, she is on 2 different kinds of meds and has a doctor a counselor and a psychiatrist... So a bit different. But! She is describing my head perfectly. The friend I made who was bipolar? It was swings. Either happy or sad. And what caught my attention had been the, anything... Even stupid can send you spiraling into depression. However I never was rollercoastering that much. This girl described even on good days she was exhausted. Just too tired of feeling. So... I'm not alone? Still doesn't make me feel any less tired now. John is being done with me and who would blame him. I am too.