Two steps forward, one step back
I've been doing pretty well these past couple weeks, keeping busy with friends and doing a decent job keeping her off my mind. Still, I was somewhat nervous about last Friday, when I knew I would see her again at our interview at Boston Medical Center. She called me the day before because she didn't want the following day to be awkward. I almost wished that she hadn't called, but it didn't really matter in the grand scheme of things.
Interview day came and went without much ado. I was able to ignore her presence even when she sat next to me, to focus during the day. We parted with a simple "See ya later" as we left school to brave the blizzard. Still, I was left with a familiar feeling of emptiness that night; thankfully, my roommate Nitin and his girlfriend S insisted that I stop my moping and go grab dinner and see Slumdog Millionaire (GREAT movie, btw, I wish I could find a RIP version online...). I ended that night with a feeling of optimism, that maybe things happen "because it is written".
The following night, we celebrated S' birthday with dinner, alcohol, and dancing. Dinner was easy enough, although I had to refrain from staring at how beautiful she was sitting across the table from me. Pre-gaming at my place felt cautiously natural; the night at the club was pretty uneventful on my end except she would occasionally interrupt our dancing with the word "Don't", as in "Don't let yourself fall for me again". The only truly sour note was after the club closed, as we stood outside in the blizzard and tried to hail a cab. She repeatedly tried to call the guy she had met after we broke up, M, and convince him to come and pick her up and take her home. I was in no position to say anything as I stood beside her during these calls, despite how much it made my insides turn. She shot me a few accusatory glances every time she hung up with him. "What?" she would ask, as if to dare me to say something, anything. I wanted nothing to do with whatever she had with M, so I bit my tongue and swallowed hard, simply saying that I just wanted to make sure she made it home ok. She told me she would be fine, that he was coming to get her, and so I left her in the hotel lobby to find my own way home, alone; five minutes later, she called me to ask me where I had gone, and I wound up coming back to her. We talked: she wanted to know if I was ok, I told her that I was ok if she was. Eventually the night ended with some friends giving us a ride home; I found myself home, alone, glad that the night had been low-key on my end but also a little disappointed.
The next day, I took a break from my self-imposed silence from her to catch up. Between frequent naps and sporadic snacks, we spent almost 3 hours on the phone that day alone. We even had dinner together with Nitin, S, and a couple other guys at one of our favorite restaurants. It was like old times again, comfy and intimate and just being able to enjoy each other's company without any complications that heartstrings might bring.
She left on a train for New York again yesterday, and I spent another 2+ hours on the phone with her, enjoying her company as the miles between us grew more and more. It felt right again, to talk with someone who knows me sometimes better than I know myself, to be connected again to someone who I know cares as much for me as I care for her. We stopped talking on the phone after she got home but conversed over Gchat as she sent me pictures from when we were in Chicago together. We voiced our regrets, how we were supposed to have spent time in Chicago as a couple, how our Orlando spring break in March had been so miserable from breaking up immediately beforehand. She told me how she wished that if she wished for something hard enough that it would come true; I asked her what she would wish for but she deflected my question, saying that it didn't matter because it wasn't going to happen. She said she wished that I hadn't broken up with her; I told her that i hadn't either, but I didn't tell her that that I also wished that she had said yes when I had asked to get back together, or that I would do anything for another chance. Somehow, her wishes and mine seem so closely related and yet so far removed from each other, time enough for a lifetime of regrets to be squeezed in between. I ended the night with a "Take care", a "Love you", and some fresh tears. God, I hate crying.
Regardless of our immediate emotional predicament, I know that I will always try to be there for her when she needs it, as I know she will for me. In a way, she is still mine as much as I am hers. Unfortunately, by the closeness of our bond, I know that no matter how much time I put between the two of us, I'll always be just one step/trip/mishap away from falling back in love with her; after putting a couple weeks of distance between the two of us, I feel like I'm walking on a tightrope that is taut for now but might start to wobble again at any moment. It leaves me in the unenviable position of trying not to be, as Matthew Berry of ESPN Fantasy Football so eloquently stated, the "'platonic best friend' who you know really likes a girl, but she can't see it, and all he does is kill everyone else's game". I know, you probably think that I'm ignorant and deluding myself and that I'm crazy for wanting to subject myself to what seems like emotional torture, and maybe you're right...but I feel that she means too much to me as a friend for me to let go completely and forever.
As for the rest of my stupid feelings, I leave them to be expressed in the words of the eternal John Mayer:
People have the right to fly
And will when it gets compromised
Their hearts say "Move along"
Their minds say "Gotcha heart"
Let's move it along
And airports see it all the time
Where someone's last goodbye
Blends in with someone's sigh
Cause someone's coming home
In hand, a single rose
That's the way this wheel keeps working now
That's the way this wheel keeps working now
And I won't be the last
No I won't be the last to love her
You can't build a house of leaves
And live like it's an evergreen
It's just a season thing
It's just this thing that seasons do
And that's the way this wheel keeps working now
That's the way this wheel keeps working now
And you won't be the first
No you won't be the first to love me
You can find me, if you ever want again
I'll be around the bend
I'll be around the bend
I'll be around, I'll be around
And if you never stop when you wave goodbye
You just might find if you give it time
You will wave hello again
You just might wave hello again
And that's the way this wheel keeps working now
That's the way this wheel keeps working now
You can't love too much, one part of it(repeat)
I believe that my life's gonna see
The love I give return to me
I believe that my life's gonna see
The love I give return to me
I believe that my life's gonna see the love I give return to me
Interview day came and went without much ado. I was able to ignore her presence even when she sat next to me, to focus during the day. We parted with a simple "See ya later" as we left school to brave the blizzard. Still, I was left with a familiar feeling of emptiness that night; thankfully, my roommate Nitin and his girlfriend S insisted that I stop my moping and go grab dinner and see Slumdog Millionaire (GREAT movie, btw, I wish I could find a RIP version online...). I ended that night with a feeling of optimism, that maybe things happen "because it is written".
The following night, we celebrated S' birthday with dinner, alcohol, and dancing. Dinner was easy enough, although I had to refrain from staring at how beautiful she was sitting across the table from me. Pre-gaming at my place felt cautiously natural; the night at the club was pretty uneventful on my end except she would occasionally interrupt our dancing with the word "Don't", as in "Don't let yourself fall for me again". The only truly sour note was after the club closed, as we stood outside in the blizzard and tried to hail a cab. She repeatedly tried to call the guy she had met after we broke up, M, and convince him to come and pick her up and take her home. I was in no position to say anything as I stood beside her during these calls, despite how much it made my insides turn. She shot me a few accusatory glances every time she hung up with him. "What?" she would ask, as if to dare me to say something, anything. I wanted nothing to do with whatever she had with M, so I bit my tongue and swallowed hard, simply saying that I just wanted to make sure she made it home ok. She told me she would be fine, that he was coming to get her, and so I left her in the hotel lobby to find my own way home, alone; five minutes later, she called me to ask me where I had gone, and I wound up coming back to her. We talked: she wanted to know if I was ok, I told her that I was ok if she was. Eventually the night ended with some friends giving us a ride home; I found myself home, alone, glad that the night had been low-key on my end but also a little disappointed.
The next day, I took a break from my self-imposed silence from her to catch up. Between frequent naps and sporadic snacks, we spent almost 3 hours on the phone that day alone. We even had dinner together with Nitin, S, and a couple other guys at one of our favorite restaurants. It was like old times again, comfy and intimate and just being able to enjoy each other's company without any complications that heartstrings might bring.
She left on a train for New York again yesterday, and I spent another 2+ hours on the phone with her, enjoying her company as the miles between us grew more and more. It felt right again, to talk with someone who knows me sometimes better than I know myself, to be connected again to someone who I know cares as much for me as I care for her. We stopped talking on the phone after she got home but conversed over Gchat as she sent me pictures from when we were in Chicago together. We voiced our regrets, how we were supposed to have spent time in Chicago as a couple, how our Orlando spring break in March had been so miserable from breaking up immediately beforehand. She told me how she wished that if she wished for something hard enough that it would come true; I asked her what she would wish for but she deflected my question, saying that it didn't matter because it wasn't going to happen. She said she wished that I hadn't broken up with her; I told her that i hadn't either, but I didn't tell her that that I also wished that she had said yes when I had asked to get back together, or that I would do anything for another chance. Somehow, her wishes and mine seem so closely related and yet so far removed from each other, time enough for a lifetime of regrets to be squeezed in between. I ended the night with a "Take care", a "Love you", and some fresh tears. God, I hate crying.
Regardless of our immediate emotional predicament, I know that I will always try to be there for her when she needs it, as I know she will for me. In a way, she is still mine as much as I am hers. Unfortunately, by the closeness of our bond, I know that no matter how much time I put between the two of us, I'll always be just one step/trip/mishap away from falling back in love with her; after putting a couple weeks of distance between the two of us, I feel like I'm walking on a tightrope that is taut for now but might start to wobble again at any moment. It leaves me in the unenviable position of trying not to be, as Matthew Berry of ESPN Fantasy Football so eloquently stated, the "'platonic best friend' who you know really likes a girl, but she can't see it, and all he does is kill everyone else's game". I know, you probably think that I'm ignorant and deluding myself and that I'm crazy for wanting to subject myself to what seems like emotional torture, and maybe you're right...but I feel that she means too much to me as a friend for me to let go completely and forever.
As for the rest of my stupid feelings, I leave them to be expressed in the words of the eternal John Mayer:
Click to viewPeople have the right to fly
And will when it gets compromised
Their hearts say "Move along"
Their minds say "Gotcha heart"
Let's move it along
And airports see it all the time
Where someone's last goodbye
Blends in with someone's sigh
Cause someone's coming home
In hand, a single rose
That's the way this wheel keeps working now
That's the way this wheel keeps working now
And I won't be the last
No I won't be the last to love her
You can't build a house of leaves
And live like it's an evergreen
It's just a season thing
It's just this thing that seasons do
And that's the way this wheel keeps working now
That's the way this wheel keeps working now
And you won't be the first
No you won't be the first to love me
You can find me, if you ever want again
I'll be around the bend
I'll be around the bend
I'll be around, I'll be around
And if you never stop when you wave goodbye
You just might find if you give it time
You will wave hello again
You just might wave hello again
And that's the way this wheel keeps working now
That's the way this wheel keeps working now
You can't love too much, one part of it(repeat)
I believe that my life's gonna see
The love I give return to me
I believe that my life's gonna see
The love I give return to me
I believe that my life's gonna see the love I give return to me