On the path to acceptance
I just imagined what it would be like if, when I talk to her again in February, I found out that she's in a new relationship with someone else. It just made me physically ill.
We had been speaking again since after Thanksgiving, breaking the self-imposed silence after 4 days. She had been calling me daily to try and connect again as friends, especially during a time when she needed some support with some craziness that she was going through on an away rotation at Mt Sinai. I did my best to be supportive, a familiar role, too familiar.
When I went down to NY this past weekend to interview at Albert Einstein, we hung out on Friday in Central Park in our interview clothes. She showed me the sights and sounds of this patch of green surrounded by urban sprawl...and I realized that I wasn't happy just being friends. The following night, we were at a birthday party at a nightclub together. She was friendly, but nothing more...and as I had more to drink, it made me increasingly upset. When the night ended and she was going home, she came to say good-bye but I rebuffed her. She asked if everything was ok, and I responded that that no, things weren't, but that they weren't her problem anymore; she left without a hug or a wave.
The following day, after I had returned to Boston, she called to ask if I wanted to talk. I told her that being around her again reopened all the holes that I had been trying to plug since we broke up; that I missed her immensely; that I was angry at myself over for letting one person make me feel so bad; and that I was bitter for having given up without waiting a little longer until after our worst rotation and trying to work things out. I told her that I needed her to tell me that there was no chance that we would get back together; tearfully, she said that we would not be together again. I asked her if she was telling the truth; she said yes. I asked her if this meant that there was nothing left in the future for us; she said she didn't know. I thanked her for her honesty and told her I would appreciate her truthfulness in the future, but that I also could no longer speak to her. She wanted me to promise that I would take care of myself; I told her that was a promise I couldn't make because 1) I was in no position to be making promises to her anymore, and 2) taking care of myself was the last thing I wanted to do, way below punching something hard enough to break my hand or drowning myself in my kitchen sink. Good-bye, I said, and hung up.
I haven't had any contact with her since last Sunday, and my life has been creeping back to normalcy. A buddy of mine had tried to warn me against causing myself more hurt, but I needed to experience the burn of a flat-out rejection before I could start to move on. He also said that going through this breakup was like going through the 5 stages of dying: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. I'm beginning to crawl out of the depression, thinking about the brightness of the rising sun in the horizon up ahead as the darkness of night fades. Everyone has been tremendously supportive and I appreciate all the good-will that people have sent my way. I just need to do what is in my power and take each day one step at a time.
I just won't count on her being there at the end.
We had been speaking again since after Thanksgiving, breaking the self-imposed silence after 4 days. She had been calling me daily to try and connect again as friends, especially during a time when she needed some support with some craziness that she was going through on an away rotation at Mt Sinai. I did my best to be supportive, a familiar role, too familiar.
When I went down to NY this past weekend to interview at Albert Einstein, we hung out on Friday in Central Park in our interview clothes. She showed me the sights and sounds of this patch of green surrounded by urban sprawl...and I realized that I wasn't happy just being friends. The following night, we were at a birthday party at a nightclub together. She was friendly, but nothing more...and as I had more to drink, it made me increasingly upset. When the night ended and she was going home, she came to say good-bye but I rebuffed her. She asked if everything was ok, and I responded that that no, things weren't, but that they weren't her problem anymore; she left without a hug or a wave.
The following day, after I had returned to Boston, she called to ask if I wanted to talk. I told her that being around her again reopened all the holes that I had been trying to plug since we broke up; that I missed her immensely; that I was angry at myself over for letting one person make me feel so bad; and that I was bitter for having given up without waiting a little longer until after our worst rotation and trying to work things out. I told her that I needed her to tell me that there was no chance that we would get back together; tearfully, she said that we would not be together again. I asked her if she was telling the truth; she said yes. I asked her if this meant that there was nothing left in the future for us; she said she didn't know. I thanked her for her honesty and told her I would appreciate her truthfulness in the future, but that I also could no longer speak to her. She wanted me to promise that I would take care of myself; I told her that was a promise I couldn't make because 1) I was in no position to be making promises to her anymore, and 2) taking care of myself was the last thing I wanted to do, way below punching something hard enough to break my hand or drowning myself in my kitchen sink. Good-bye, I said, and hung up.
I haven't had any contact with her since last Sunday, and my life has been creeping back to normalcy. A buddy of mine had tried to warn me against causing myself more hurt, but I needed to experience the burn of a flat-out rejection before I could start to move on. He also said that going through this breakup was like going through the 5 stages of dying: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. I'm beginning to crawl out of the depression, thinking about the brightness of the rising sun in the horizon up ahead as the darkness of night fades. Everyone has been tremendously supportive and I appreciate all the good-will that people have sent my way. I just need to do what is in my power and take each day one step at a time.
I just won't count on her being there at the end.