298 [YongSeo] Fading Away
Title: Fading Away
Author: macy
Pairing: YongSeo
Genre: Angst, Romance
Summary: the most unforgettable performance of CNBLUE
Rating: PG
AN:
-unbetaed
-flashbacks are italicized.
-is it okay to post it now? /whacked. please don't hate me. /shot
Yonghwa knew his dongsaengs were looking at him worriedly. He was thankful they were concerned, but he wished they would just stop. It wasn't really helping him, and whatever it is that is wrong with him. He really couldn't understand or define what he was feeling anymore, if he was feeling anything at all. Everything just seems detached from him… from reality.
"Hyung, you're still not okay." Jonghyun, who was beside him, suddenly said. "Let's just not perform after all. I'm worried about you. We're all worried."
"We're already here." Yonghwa managed to say calmly. "We're up next on stage."
"I'm sure they'll understand." Minhyuk piped up.
"Yeah." Jungshin said. "I'll go now and tell them. I'll apologize and all." He offered, and even made to stand up. But Yonghwa made him hesitate with a curt shake of his head.
"I want to perform." Yonghwa said quietly.
Maybe there was something in his tone, but no one tried to dissuade him anymore. No one seems to like the idea, but Jungshin went back to his seat and all four of them fell into silence.
Every now and then, he could see his friends exchanging significant looks. He knew he was acting strange. Of course he was. Jonghyun was right. He was not okay. He might never be okay again.
'It must have been funny.' He thought humorlessly, 'For someone with 'Emotional' as their title to not feel anything.'
Or maybe he was feeling it too much. It was all too much that he'd gone numb.
CNBLUE was called to standby and Yonghwa lead his band to the stage. The four of them was still quiet as they check their instruments. Still, his friends' quiet exchanges continued.
It seemed long somehow, that particular preparation for a performance, even though everything was already set up and all they had to do was check if everything was in order.
Yonghwa barely heard the introductions as finally, the stage was theirs. The stage light shone on them, and for a moment, Yonghwa was blinded.
He heard Minhyuk started counting with his drum sticks but before the young drummer could finish, Yonghwa started playing his guitar.
He saw surprised faces as he played. They were supposed to perform their new single but it just seemed right to perform this particular song just for this performance.
Yonghwa wasn't expecting it when his band mates followed through with their instruments and Jonghyun even started singing: "Fade away, fade away, fade away…"
Yonghwa closed his eyes for a moment before he started singing.
Suddenly memories engulf him. Memories from their Day 1.
Day 1 wasn't when they first met for WGM. Their WGM days were full of fears, confusions and uncertainties.
When he agreed to be in the show, it was with CNBLUE's future in mind. He knew it would be a good chance for people to know them more. And he was interested of what it would be like to be in the show. It was with just these simple reasons.
He didn't count on someone like Seohyun to be his virtual wife. He didn't plan on falling in love.
But he did. And how can he not? Seohyun was everything any sane man would ever want. She was just perfect. But he wasn't, and that scared him.
He was scared of falling more in love; he was scared because it just all felt bigger than him.
He kept telling himself it wasn't real, that they were all for the show. And sometimes, he would really convince himself.
But then she'd smile at him; a smile he'd never seen her give to anyone else-- as if it was only for him-- and then he'd doubt everything again. He'd hope again.
He was confused then, about her feelings, and even his own. He was overwhelmed, because he'd never felt anything like that for anyone else before. But more than anything else, he was afraid he was the only one who had fallen in love. He was afraid that when the show ends, there would be nothing left, because there never was anything in the first place.
When Seohyun sang "Love Light" for him, he was almost sure she felt the same.
That must be what she meant, right? She must have known the song was his way to tell her how he felt? And her singing that same song must have meant she was saying she felt the same?
But then, the cameras stopped rolling and somehow, there was that awkward air around them once more.
That day, no words were actually exchanged between them, but Yonghwa was finally absolutely sure that she felt the same. It was the night they filmed the last episode for WGM. After their take, Seohyun went out of their dorm once more to formally thank the staffs and crew. Then it was their real goodbye.
It was just a simple 'You've worked hard,' and 'I'll see you.' No dramatic hugs or anything. It was as if all their awkwardness from their first meeting came back with revenge. It was just weird saying goodbye.
Everyone then started leaving, Yonghwa among them.
But Yonghwa just went to one of the close cafes. He wasn't feeling well. He was more than ever, confused. He had mixed feelings. He felt like laughing and crying at the same time. He felt he should feel angry, but it doesn't seem like he is. He felt empty, somehow… And he just didn't know what to do.
About half an hour after, he'd decided to take a walk. Maybe it'll help clear his mind. But his feet brought him back to her dorm.
And then he saw her.
She was still at the entrance of their dorm. And she was crying.
And somehow he knew. It was all real for her, too. She must have wondered about the same things he had. She must have been confused, and afraid and uncertain all along, as well.
She must have fallen, too.
He didn't approach her that night. He just watched her until her unnies came out and found her there.
And in the coming days, he always wondered why he didn't.
"...against us now is time." Yonghwa surprise himself that he could sing and play. He was barely there on the stage. He was stuck in his memories.
After that night, they would meet during broadcasts and lives. They would greet each other, they would talk. But somehow, it was different. Seohyun was different. There was something like a wall… She was being guarded around him.
Sometimes she would send him a message, asking him how he was and or how the boys were. She'd remind him to take care of his health, and to not push himself. She'd do this at random times that Yonghwa couldn't really follow what she might be thinking.
People still kept talking about them, and Seohyun started answering questions with 'We're already divorce.'
He'd found himself giving the same answer every time she was mentioned in his interviews. And it was a lot of times. He would always be careful of what he says during these times. But still, he couldn't help but be honest with himself. To anyone who follows him, they'd know for sure how he feels. Or at the very least, thinks he had a huge crush on Seohyun.
And then Niigata happened.
Of course, before the real event they had met for rehearsals. And Yonghwa couldn't help but feel how tense Seohyun seems to be especially when left alone with him. He didn't know what to think of it. He didn't know what he should do to make her relax. It was harder than when they first filmed their WGM.
Before their real performance, they didn't really talk except for a quick greeting. And then they were on stage and everyone just seemed to love them.
Them, together. The people were cheering them on.
And suddenly he couldn't stop smiling. Seohyun maintained a pleasant face, but Yonghwa could barely read her. But he was quite sure, tears were filling her eyes, and she was trying hard not to let them fall.
And then she stretched her hand to him. Not really thinking, it was more of a reflex, really--he took it. And as he held her hand, he wasn't singing for the audience anymore. He was singing for her. He wanted to reach her.
But suddenly the song ends, and the audience applaud. He had to let go of her hand, so he did. And it felt awkward once more. He suddenly wanted to hide. He wanted to hurry to the backstage and avoid her. He took the chance when the lights dim. He was about to go when he felt her tug at his jacket.
It was still dark so he couldn't see her. But he heard her when she asked.
"Can we talk?"
Yonghwa had to gulp. Nevertheless, he nodded. And then remembering she probably couldn't see him added, "Okay."
Yonghwa shut his eyes. It felt as if the memory was physically stabbing him. But as his eyes closed, he could see the memory much more vividly.
Seohyun had told him to go to SNSD's waiting room. He was a little anxious about that, but when he arrived, Seohyun was alone. She was still wearing the dress from their performance, but what surprised him was the look on Seohyun's face. She looked… scared.
"Seohyun-shii?" He called, tentatively.
"Yong…" She just said. Hearing her call him like that brought him feelings he couldn’t really name.
He had closed the door behind him and slowly walked towards Seohyun. He didn't know why, but he started feeling scared as well.
"What is it?" He asked; his voice worried. "What did you want to talk about?" He didn't even realize he was whispering.
"Yong… I…" She looked so unsure, it was a little unnerving. "I just… I wanted to say…" She closed her eyes as if she was preparing for some sort of impact. "I miss you, Yong…" She said, trailing off.
He stared at her for a beat, and just found himself pulling her to him and kissing her right on the lips.
She was stiff for a second, but responded to the kiss in another second. And Yong just felt overwhelmed, but very much happy. And there was also that urge to smack himself for various reasons.
It was then that he realized why he hadn't come to her, why he didn't tell her, or confronted her about what he knew they both feel. He was being his old choding-self once more. He wanted her (subconsciously, it seems) to be the one to come. It was their old mildang game once more. He didn't know if he should applaud or kick himself for having been able to suppress and hide his feelings for so long.
He suddenly wanted to laugh. And as he pulled back, he told her, "I miss you, too. So, so much."
"But I know I just don't have the power…" Yonghwa didn't really register his hand going to his chest and clutching at it. But Jungshin and Jonghyun did, and they shared a worried looked.
Everything was perfect. And Yonghwa couldn't remember if he'd ever been that happy all his life.
It seems they have exhausted the push and pull game during their WGM. Hyun was now perfectly comfortable in telling him her thoughts. Yonghwa also found out that if he's honest to Hyun and tells her straightforward how he feels, then Hyun would also do the same. He would tell her he loves her every time he can, and she'd respond the same way.
It was hard to be discreet, but they found ways to meet and go out. Hyun is a very simple girl, and she was happy with just a stroll by the park or just hanging out in either his or her dorm.
They have done every little couple-thing there was to do. Before, Yonghwa thought those things were silly and unnecessary. He firmly believes that no material thing can prove or measure one's feelings. But there was something about seeing his Hyun wearing the same shirt, or the same shoes, or the same accessories.
Hyun said she didn't think it was something they should do if they wanted to be inconspicuous (She says so, but still doesn't stop anyway). But Yonghwa thought it was perfect for him. It was his only way to tell the world, without really telling them, that Hyun is his and he is hers. It was the only way he could show the world how happy he was. The feeling was overwhelming, he needed to get it out anyway he can.
His dongsaengs felt a little worried about that though--Minhyuk especially-- because of previous scandals. But all the same, they were happy that he and their 'sister-in-law' are together 'again' as Jonghyun would say. He always implied that they never took anything from WGM as 'virtual.' And Yonghwa guess that might be true. He just didn't realize it soon.
When they had told her unnies that they were together, every one of them seems exasperated. Some even scolded Yonghwa for being 'too damn slow.'
"It took you long enough!" Hyoyeon had told him.
Both their families were happy about them, too. Yonghwa's father and brother had been ecstatic, and his mother just gave him a knowing and approving look.
Yonghwa had finally met Hyun's parents when he had attended one of SNSD's concerts in Seoul. And then every day since he started living in the same apartment as they. He didn't want to be too confident, but it seemed they at least like him.
It was the one thing that makes him even more happier. He couldn't be more grateful to their friends and family, that they were also happy that they were together.
Even some of their fans seemed to love the idea of them together. Yonghwa didn't know if they were that obvious, but since becoming official, more fans seemed to bring WGM-related banners and lights during CNBLUE's concerts. More self-proclaimed 'Goguma' seemed to send gifts for both him and Hyun. More and more people seemed convinced they were together.
"Well, you are together." Jungshin pointed out when he once mentioned it. "And you're just obvious. I mean, I thought it'd--well, calm down somewhat soon but you're still too annoyingly happy. And with all your couple shirts, shoes, accessories-- couple ring, not to mention your fondness of Goguma gifts or anything remotely related to sister-in-law… well, I won't be surprised if one day people just know you're together like it's common sense."
Yong had grinned at that. He would like for that to happen, although it might later than sooner. Even if they had supporters, there were also a significant number of antis.
There were people who just hate them, period. ("Haters gonna hate." Jonghyun would say.) There were those who want Seohyun for themselves. ("It's kinda understandable, Hyung." Minhyuk would say). There were those who thought Seohyun isn't worthy of the 'great'--their word, not his-- Yonghwa (All three would laugh and Yonghwa would just sputter, feeling a little indignant. He was the one feeling unworthy of Seohyun). And there were more who thinks Yonghwa should be with other people like Park Shin Hye, Sulli, Taeyeon, even Yoon Eun Hye. ("WHY?!" Yonghwa always asks.)
As Yonghwa numbly continued to sing, he was a little confused when the scene before him started blurring. And then he felt hot liquid trailing down his cheeks. A little amused, he realized he was crying.
'Heh…'
It was the first time he cried since three weeks ago.
He tried to focus on the crowd in front of him. He tried, but he couldn't really see any face. Vaguely, he wondered who among them were actual Goguma fans and who were antis. With their fans, it was usually one of the two.
He remembered Seohyun never really care about that, and he almost felt like smiling.
"Well, it's their own preferences." She told him nonchalantly when he had complained.
"It's still annoying. I mean, we're not some fictional characters. Why don't they just let us decide for ourselves who we'd want to be?" He retorted
Seohyun shrugged. "I guess we're close to fictional characters for them. I mean, some people consider fictional characters as real."
Yonghwa pursed his lips to refrain from replying. He knew he would start whining. Seohyun did have a point.
Hyun laughed as she looked at him and Yong just sighed in exasperation and amusement at Seohyun.
"What's important is that people we love supports us." She said as she took his hand in hers.
Yonghwa still looked miffed, though.
"I mean…" Seohyun continued, "even those people they claim to be better suited to you supports us. Taeyeon-unnie, and Shinhye-unnie, especially." She added. Seohyun and Shinhye had worked on a drama before (ironically as rivals in love), and had become very close.
"I guess so." Yonghwa amended.
"Well, for all it worth, I'm a YongSeo fan." She said, giggling a little.
Yonghwa grinned, and let out a soft chuckle. "Guess that's what really matters." He said as he pulled her to him in a loose hug. "I ship us, too."
Five years. They had five years full of happiness and love. It wasn't all sunshine and roses, of course, but everything was imperfectly perfect. Everything, every moment, every words exchanged, every touch made were Yonghwa's most treasured.
And he wanted even more. He wants to always be with her. He wants her to be truly his and him hers. He wants all of her completely --body, soul, name. He wants to build a family with her. He wants to spend every coming birthdays, Christmases, New Years with her. He wants to grow old with her. He wants her for the rest of his life.
And she would be, too. He was sure of it. He'd planned it all. He'd bought a ring. He would propose n their 5th anniversary.
Was he too greedy?
He felt restless waiting for Hyun to come back from her filming in the Bahamas. He'd call her often and even playfully asked her to hurry and come back to him.
Once more, the scene in front of him appeared hazy as he continued to sing,
"I'd jump at the chance
We'd drink and we'd dance
And I'd listen close to your every word," Yonghwa felt as if his throat had gone dry.
"As if it's your last, but I know it's your las--" His voice cracked.
"Cause today, oh, you're g--" He couldn’t say it. And he didn't know how but suddenly, he was kneeling down the stage. He couldn't really feel his legs.
He had vaguely seen Jungshin moved to him, but Jonghyun and Minhyuk continued their performance.
He waited for her in their apartment. Everything was already prepared. He had received both his and her parents' blessing weeks ago and all that was needed was her "Yes."
Yonghwa has just prepared a simple meal for the two of them, and then some sweet potato for dessert. He can't forget that. It had become some sort of a symbol of endearment for them both.
He was impatient and he kept looking at the clock. When he had talked to Hyun earlier, she had said that she booked an earlier flight so she can come home sooner. She should be arriving soon.
More minutes passed, and Yonghwa had the urge to go to the airport and meet her there instead.
He was about to go, but the door opened before he could.
It was Hyun's father. Yonghwa suddenly felt cold at the sight of him. Her father seemed… defeated.
"Yonghwa." The older man called, and slowly approached him.
He had an air similar of that old soldier he met once during his time in the military. It was an air of a man who had lost everything…
"Yonghwa…" He said again, and Yonghwa felt shock as the man took him in an embrace.
"Son," He said. He sounded as if he wanted to cry. "Ju Hyun… She's… She's not coming back."
Yonghwa felt him tighten his grip to him.
"She's not coming… P-plane crash…"
Yonghwa's world came crashing down.
He couldn't stand. But he was still gripping his mic. He didn't even know how he could still sing. But he felt he needed to, so he continued.
"Like sand on my feet
The smell of sweet perfume
You stick to me forever baby
I wish you didn't go," He sobbed.
And the tears came flowing down his cheeks, and doesn't seem to want to stop.
Blearily he heard Minhyuk continue for him. And he could hear that he was crying, too.
He still couldn't feel his leg, and he forgot all about standing up. He couldn't even look up. But he held onto his microphone, and started singing again.
"To touch you again,
With life in your hands." He was openly crying now...
"It couldn't be any harder--"
He couldn't find his voice anymore. He had already let go of the mic. He was shaking, and everything seems far away, like he is watching this from another person's point of view. He listened as his brothers continued the song. Jungshin had crouch down beside him and held him in a hug. He barely felt it.
His eyes were in the crowd, but he wasn't seeing them.
And then he spoke his last words, not realizing that the microphone was close enough to magnify his voice.
"Hyun, you told me we'd die together…" He had let out a humourless chuckle. "Well, I guess, we did die together."
"Hyung…" Jungshin called to him, crying painfully, and hugging him tighter.
He'd look up and for the first time saw the crowd. Everyone was actually crying.
He had the mad urge to laugh. How ironic it was that it seems everyone is now all for YongSeo… just when everything already ended.
END.
AN:
- DON'T KILL ME PLEASE. /shot
- so yeah, this is another one of my knock-on-wood fics.
- I based Hyun's 'death' on Aaliyah's death.
Author: macy
Pairing: YongSeo
Genre: Angst, Romance
Summary: the most unforgettable performance of CNBLUE
Rating: PG
AN:
-unbetaed
-flashbacks are italicized.
-is it okay to post it now? /whacked. please don't hate me. /shot
Yonghwa knew his dongsaengs were looking at him worriedly. He was thankful they were concerned, but he wished they would just stop. It wasn't really helping him, and whatever it is that is wrong with him. He really couldn't understand or define what he was feeling anymore, if he was feeling anything at all. Everything just seems detached from him… from reality.
"Hyung, you're still not okay." Jonghyun, who was beside him, suddenly said. "Let's just not perform after all. I'm worried about you. We're all worried."
"We're already here." Yonghwa managed to say calmly. "We're up next on stage."
"I'm sure they'll understand." Minhyuk piped up.
"Yeah." Jungshin said. "I'll go now and tell them. I'll apologize and all." He offered, and even made to stand up. But Yonghwa made him hesitate with a curt shake of his head.
"I want to perform." Yonghwa said quietly.
Maybe there was something in his tone, but no one tried to dissuade him anymore. No one seems to like the idea, but Jungshin went back to his seat and all four of them fell into silence.
Every now and then, he could see his friends exchanging significant looks. He knew he was acting strange. Of course he was. Jonghyun was right. He was not okay. He might never be okay again.
'It must have been funny.' He thought humorlessly, 'For someone with 'Emotional' as their title to not feel anything.'
Or maybe he was feeling it too much. It was all too much that he'd gone numb.
CNBLUE was called to standby and Yonghwa lead his band to the stage. The four of them was still quiet as they check their instruments. Still, his friends' quiet exchanges continued.
It seemed long somehow, that particular preparation for a performance, even though everything was already set up and all they had to do was check if everything was in order.
Yonghwa barely heard the introductions as finally, the stage was theirs. The stage light shone on them, and for a moment, Yonghwa was blinded.
He heard Minhyuk started counting with his drum sticks but before the young drummer could finish, Yonghwa started playing his guitar.
He saw surprised faces as he played. They were supposed to perform their new single but it just seemed right to perform this particular song just for this performance.
Yonghwa wasn't expecting it when his band mates followed through with their instruments and Jonghyun even started singing: "Fade away, fade away, fade away…"
Yonghwa closed his eyes for a moment before he started singing.
Suddenly memories engulf him. Memories from their Day 1.
Day 1 wasn't when they first met for WGM. Their WGM days were full of fears, confusions and uncertainties.
When he agreed to be in the show, it was with CNBLUE's future in mind. He knew it would be a good chance for people to know them more. And he was interested of what it would be like to be in the show. It was with just these simple reasons.
He didn't count on someone like Seohyun to be his virtual wife. He didn't plan on falling in love.
But he did. And how can he not? Seohyun was everything any sane man would ever want. She was just perfect. But he wasn't, and that scared him.
He was scared of falling more in love; he was scared because it just all felt bigger than him.
He kept telling himself it wasn't real, that they were all for the show. And sometimes, he would really convince himself.
But then she'd smile at him; a smile he'd never seen her give to anyone else-- as if it was only for him-- and then he'd doubt everything again. He'd hope again.
He was confused then, about her feelings, and even his own. He was overwhelmed, because he'd never felt anything like that for anyone else before. But more than anything else, he was afraid he was the only one who had fallen in love. He was afraid that when the show ends, there would be nothing left, because there never was anything in the first place.
When Seohyun sang "Love Light" for him, he was almost sure she felt the same.
That must be what she meant, right? She must have known the song was his way to tell her how he felt? And her singing that same song must have meant she was saying she felt the same?
But then, the cameras stopped rolling and somehow, there was that awkward air around them once more.
That day, no words were actually exchanged between them, but Yonghwa was finally absolutely sure that she felt the same. It was the night they filmed the last episode for WGM. After their take, Seohyun went out of their dorm once more to formally thank the staffs and crew. Then it was their real goodbye.
It was just a simple 'You've worked hard,' and 'I'll see you.' No dramatic hugs or anything. It was as if all their awkwardness from their first meeting came back with revenge. It was just weird saying goodbye.
Everyone then started leaving, Yonghwa among them.
But Yonghwa just went to one of the close cafes. He wasn't feeling well. He was more than ever, confused. He had mixed feelings. He felt like laughing and crying at the same time. He felt he should feel angry, but it doesn't seem like he is. He felt empty, somehow… And he just didn't know what to do.
About half an hour after, he'd decided to take a walk. Maybe it'll help clear his mind. But his feet brought him back to her dorm.
And then he saw her.
She was still at the entrance of their dorm. And she was crying.
And somehow he knew. It was all real for her, too. She must have wondered about the same things he had. She must have been confused, and afraid and uncertain all along, as well.
She must have fallen, too.
He didn't approach her that night. He just watched her until her unnies came out and found her there.
And in the coming days, he always wondered why he didn't.
"...against us now is time." Yonghwa surprise himself that he could sing and play. He was barely there on the stage. He was stuck in his memories.
After that night, they would meet during broadcasts and lives. They would greet each other, they would talk. But somehow, it was different. Seohyun was different. There was something like a wall… She was being guarded around him.
Sometimes she would send him a message, asking him how he was and or how the boys were. She'd remind him to take care of his health, and to not push himself. She'd do this at random times that Yonghwa couldn't really follow what she might be thinking.
People still kept talking about them, and Seohyun started answering questions with 'We're already divorce.'
He'd found himself giving the same answer every time she was mentioned in his interviews. And it was a lot of times. He would always be careful of what he says during these times. But still, he couldn't help but be honest with himself. To anyone who follows him, they'd know for sure how he feels. Or at the very least, thinks he had a huge crush on Seohyun.
And then Niigata happened.
Of course, before the real event they had met for rehearsals. And Yonghwa couldn't help but feel how tense Seohyun seems to be especially when left alone with him. He didn't know what to think of it. He didn't know what he should do to make her relax. It was harder than when they first filmed their WGM.
Before their real performance, they didn't really talk except for a quick greeting. And then they were on stage and everyone just seemed to love them.
Them, together. The people were cheering them on.
And suddenly he couldn't stop smiling. Seohyun maintained a pleasant face, but Yonghwa could barely read her. But he was quite sure, tears were filling her eyes, and she was trying hard not to let them fall.
And then she stretched her hand to him. Not really thinking, it was more of a reflex, really--he took it. And as he held her hand, he wasn't singing for the audience anymore. He was singing for her. He wanted to reach her.
But suddenly the song ends, and the audience applaud. He had to let go of her hand, so he did. And it felt awkward once more. He suddenly wanted to hide. He wanted to hurry to the backstage and avoid her. He took the chance when the lights dim. He was about to go when he felt her tug at his jacket.
It was still dark so he couldn't see her. But he heard her when she asked.
"Can we talk?"
Yonghwa had to gulp. Nevertheless, he nodded. And then remembering she probably couldn't see him added, "Okay."
Yonghwa shut his eyes. It felt as if the memory was physically stabbing him. But as his eyes closed, he could see the memory much more vividly.
Seohyun had told him to go to SNSD's waiting room. He was a little anxious about that, but when he arrived, Seohyun was alone. She was still wearing the dress from their performance, but what surprised him was the look on Seohyun's face. She looked… scared.
"Seohyun-shii?" He called, tentatively.
"Yong…" She just said. Hearing her call him like that brought him feelings he couldn’t really name.
He had closed the door behind him and slowly walked towards Seohyun. He didn't know why, but he started feeling scared as well.
"What is it?" He asked; his voice worried. "What did you want to talk about?" He didn't even realize he was whispering.
"Yong… I…" She looked so unsure, it was a little unnerving. "I just… I wanted to say…" She closed her eyes as if she was preparing for some sort of impact. "I miss you, Yong…" She said, trailing off.
He stared at her for a beat, and just found himself pulling her to him and kissing her right on the lips.
She was stiff for a second, but responded to the kiss in another second. And Yong just felt overwhelmed, but very much happy. And there was also that urge to smack himself for various reasons.
It was then that he realized why he hadn't come to her, why he didn't tell her, or confronted her about what he knew they both feel. He was being his old choding-self once more. He wanted her (subconsciously, it seems) to be the one to come. It was their old mildang game once more. He didn't know if he should applaud or kick himself for having been able to suppress and hide his feelings for so long.
He suddenly wanted to laugh. And as he pulled back, he told her, "I miss you, too. So, so much."
"But I know I just don't have the power…" Yonghwa didn't really register his hand going to his chest and clutching at it. But Jungshin and Jonghyun did, and they shared a worried looked.
Everything was perfect. And Yonghwa couldn't remember if he'd ever been that happy all his life.
It seems they have exhausted the push and pull game during their WGM. Hyun was now perfectly comfortable in telling him her thoughts. Yonghwa also found out that if he's honest to Hyun and tells her straightforward how he feels, then Hyun would also do the same. He would tell her he loves her every time he can, and she'd respond the same way.
It was hard to be discreet, but they found ways to meet and go out. Hyun is a very simple girl, and she was happy with just a stroll by the park or just hanging out in either his or her dorm.
They have done every little couple-thing there was to do. Before, Yonghwa thought those things were silly and unnecessary. He firmly believes that no material thing can prove or measure one's feelings. But there was something about seeing his Hyun wearing the same shirt, or the same shoes, or the same accessories.
Hyun said she didn't think it was something they should do if they wanted to be inconspicuous (She says so, but still doesn't stop anyway). But Yonghwa thought it was perfect for him. It was his only way to tell the world, without really telling them, that Hyun is his and he is hers. It was the only way he could show the world how happy he was. The feeling was overwhelming, he needed to get it out anyway he can.
His dongsaengs felt a little worried about that though--Minhyuk especially-- because of previous scandals. But all the same, they were happy that he and their 'sister-in-law' are together 'again' as Jonghyun would say. He always implied that they never took anything from WGM as 'virtual.' And Yonghwa guess that might be true. He just didn't realize it soon.
When they had told her unnies that they were together, every one of them seems exasperated. Some even scolded Yonghwa for being 'too damn slow.'
"It took you long enough!" Hyoyeon had told him.
Both their families were happy about them, too. Yonghwa's father and brother had been ecstatic, and his mother just gave him a knowing and approving look.
Yonghwa had finally met Hyun's parents when he had attended one of SNSD's concerts in Seoul. And then every day since he started living in the same apartment as they. He didn't want to be too confident, but it seemed they at least like him.
It was the one thing that makes him even more happier. He couldn't be more grateful to their friends and family, that they were also happy that they were together.
Even some of their fans seemed to love the idea of them together. Yonghwa didn't know if they were that obvious, but since becoming official, more fans seemed to bring WGM-related banners and lights during CNBLUE's concerts. More self-proclaimed 'Goguma' seemed to send gifts for both him and Hyun. More and more people seemed convinced they were together.
"Well, you are together." Jungshin pointed out when he once mentioned it. "And you're just obvious. I mean, I thought it'd--well, calm down somewhat soon but you're still too annoyingly happy. And with all your couple shirts, shoes, accessories-- couple ring, not to mention your fondness of Goguma gifts or anything remotely related to sister-in-law… well, I won't be surprised if one day people just know you're together like it's common sense."
Yong had grinned at that. He would like for that to happen, although it might later than sooner. Even if they had supporters, there were also a significant number of antis.
There were people who just hate them, period. ("Haters gonna hate." Jonghyun would say.) There were those who want Seohyun for themselves. ("It's kinda understandable, Hyung." Minhyuk would say). There were those who thought Seohyun isn't worthy of the 'great'--their word, not his-- Yonghwa (All three would laugh and Yonghwa would just sputter, feeling a little indignant. He was the one feeling unworthy of Seohyun). And there were more who thinks Yonghwa should be with other people like Park Shin Hye, Sulli, Taeyeon, even Yoon Eun Hye. ("WHY?!" Yonghwa always asks.)
As Yonghwa numbly continued to sing, he was a little confused when the scene before him started blurring. And then he felt hot liquid trailing down his cheeks. A little amused, he realized he was crying.
'Heh…'
It was the first time he cried since three weeks ago.
He tried to focus on the crowd in front of him. He tried, but he couldn't really see any face. Vaguely, he wondered who among them were actual Goguma fans and who were antis. With their fans, it was usually one of the two.
He remembered Seohyun never really care about that, and he almost felt like smiling.
"Well, it's their own preferences." She told him nonchalantly when he had complained.
"It's still annoying. I mean, we're not some fictional characters. Why don't they just let us decide for ourselves who we'd want to be?" He retorted
Seohyun shrugged. "I guess we're close to fictional characters for them. I mean, some people consider fictional characters as real."
Yonghwa pursed his lips to refrain from replying. He knew he would start whining. Seohyun did have a point.
Hyun laughed as she looked at him and Yong just sighed in exasperation and amusement at Seohyun.
"What's important is that people we love supports us." She said as she took his hand in hers.
Yonghwa still looked miffed, though.
"I mean…" Seohyun continued, "even those people they claim to be better suited to you supports us. Taeyeon-unnie, and Shinhye-unnie, especially." She added. Seohyun and Shinhye had worked on a drama before (ironically as rivals in love), and had become very close.
"I guess so." Yonghwa amended.
"Well, for all it worth, I'm a YongSeo fan." She said, giggling a little.
Yonghwa grinned, and let out a soft chuckle. "Guess that's what really matters." He said as he pulled her to him in a loose hug. "I ship us, too."
Five years. They had five years full of happiness and love. It wasn't all sunshine and roses, of course, but everything was imperfectly perfect. Everything, every moment, every words exchanged, every touch made were Yonghwa's most treasured.
And he wanted even more. He wants to always be with her. He wants her to be truly his and him hers. He wants all of her completely --body, soul, name. He wants to build a family with her. He wants to spend every coming birthdays, Christmases, New Years with her. He wants to grow old with her. He wants her for the rest of his life.
And she would be, too. He was sure of it. He'd planned it all. He'd bought a ring. He would propose n their 5th anniversary.
Was he too greedy?
He felt restless waiting for Hyun to come back from her filming in the Bahamas. He'd call her often and even playfully asked her to hurry and come back to him.
Once more, the scene in front of him appeared hazy as he continued to sing,
"I'd jump at the chance
We'd drink and we'd dance
And I'd listen close to your every word," Yonghwa felt as if his throat had gone dry.
"As if it's your last, but I know it's your las--" His voice cracked.
"Cause today, oh, you're g--" He couldn’t say it. And he didn't know how but suddenly, he was kneeling down the stage. He couldn't really feel his legs.
He had vaguely seen Jungshin moved to him, but Jonghyun and Minhyuk continued their performance.
He waited for her in their apartment. Everything was already prepared. He had received both his and her parents' blessing weeks ago and all that was needed was her "Yes."
Yonghwa has just prepared a simple meal for the two of them, and then some sweet potato for dessert. He can't forget that. It had become some sort of a symbol of endearment for them both.
He was impatient and he kept looking at the clock. When he had talked to Hyun earlier, she had said that she booked an earlier flight so she can come home sooner. She should be arriving soon.
More minutes passed, and Yonghwa had the urge to go to the airport and meet her there instead.
He was about to go, but the door opened before he could.
It was Hyun's father. Yonghwa suddenly felt cold at the sight of him. Her father seemed… defeated.
"Yonghwa." The older man called, and slowly approached him.
He had an air similar of that old soldier he met once during his time in the military. It was an air of a man who had lost everything…
"Yonghwa…" He said again, and Yonghwa felt shock as the man took him in an embrace.
"Son," He said. He sounded as if he wanted to cry. "Ju Hyun… She's… She's not coming back."
Yonghwa felt him tighten his grip to him.
"She's not coming… P-plane crash…"
Yonghwa's world came crashing down.
He couldn't stand. But he was still gripping his mic. He didn't even know how he could still sing. But he felt he needed to, so he continued.
"Like sand on my feet
The smell of sweet perfume
You stick to me forever baby
I wish you didn't go," He sobbed.
And the tears came flowing down his cheeks, and doesn't seem to want to stop.
Blearily he heard Minhyuk continue for him. And he could hear that he was crying, too.
He still couldn't feel his leg, and he forgot all about standing up. He couldn't even look up. But he held onto his microphone, and started singing again.
"To touch you again,
With life in your hands." He was openly crying now...
"It couldn't be any harder--"
He couldn't find his voice anymore. He had already let go of the mic. He was shaking, and everything seems far away, like he is watching this from another person's point of view. He listened as his brothers continued the song. Jungshin had crouch down beside him and held him in a hug. He barely felt it.
His eyes were in the crowd, but he wasn't seeing them.
And then he spoke his last words, not realizing that the microphone was close enough to magnify his voice.
"Hyun, you told me we'd die together…" He had let out a humourless chuckle. "Well, I guess, we did die together."
"Hyung…" Jungshin called to him, crying painfully, and hugging him tighter.
He'd look up and for the first time saw the crowd. Everyone was actually crying.
He had the mad urge to laugh. How ironic it was that it seems everyone is now all for YongSeo… just when everything already ended.
END.
AN:
- DON'T KILL ME PLEASE. /shot
- so yeah, this is another one of my knock-on-wood fics.
- I based Hyun's 'death' on Aaliyah's death.