2009: Part 2: Focusing on What's Valuable
Dear Universe:
I know i should be in bed, but there are some things i really need to talk to you about right now, and i hope you will listen with kindness and compassion as in times past.
*i need a sign... to let me know you're here
all of these lines are being crossed over the atmosphere
i need a reason for the way things have to be
i need a hand to help build up some kind of hope inside of me*
You know how much of a hard time I've been having lately. Sometimes the slightest thing, such as inflating my tires, has turned into another collexion of annoyances with my hands getting nicked up and the little cap things not coming off the tires. There have been too many heartbreaks, continually getting hopes up and working towards things that have amounted to nothing, problems with money, stress, SO MUCH FRUSTRATION, insomnia, and enough bafflement & hurt from other human beings shatter what's left of my head.
I do feel that I have always had a lot of compassion, and I hope that you and others will be able to show a little bit more for me. I'm not asking for anything massive, just a softening of this constant edge, a mellowing of the tension that i just rather uncomfortably muddle through on most "ok" days, and that threatens to break me on the worst ones. i feel as though shit just keeps grinding hard on my mind, til it's worn down to a thin, unsturdy state... i've been trying very hard to focus on the good things, to remember that i have it so much better than so many unfortunate souls in the world, to continue to be grateful for the sunshine and the trees, the small joys and the random things, but realistically it is exceptionally hard, sometimes, to keep that faith. I know part of that is distance from 4Qf and the fact i need to fucking go outside and hug trees & sit in the grass more, and believe me, I will do that.
What I'm asking for is a slight breather. Not necessarily from various goings-on where i can be of some use, though it would certainly be nice to get a few days to just focus on my house. it would vigorously appreciated. Mainly what I'm asking for is some relief from all the tension, so i can breathe deep and focus more effectively. to be able to move through my day and get things done, to flow and create, rather than fighting through "ick" in a cramped, taut fashion. A boost of strength, a zap of determination, to get in the mindset overcome this hill, and not feel like i'm just staving off this cloud that's always hovering and often feels close enough to crush me.
"Everlong" and Sunshowers have seemed a bit ineffectual lately. not sure what's with that, or if i should just be looking for different signs. It's really fucking with my whole idea of finding beauty in any situation, of holding out & holding on til the sun shines through. If that needs some adjustment, then by all means, please show me the way. Illuminate this path and help me use my eyes to see the better things more clearly. I feel so half-way baffled in generally a daze too much of the time...
I have great friends and it's summertime. Despite my constant cringing ache and huge fucking truckload of frustration, there are beautiful things to be really thankful for. Please help me to be more aware of that, and not shut internal things away... I don't want to be so hesitant or embarrassed with expressing emotions as I have been lately... that's not right, and it's no way to live. I want to feel *ALIVE* again, creative, and at least somewhat more free to write my own story. I'm doing a lot of things that just don't seem to be making much of a difference. I want and know that i *need* to meet you halfway on this, but I need to maintain faith in myself to be able to do so. In some ways, I could be trying harder, and I shall. I promise you that; I promise myself. But I cannot do it alone, and I need to stop finding shame in that... I need your help. I need your compassion & understanding, and to be shown these things a bit more directly from the people around me.
I need someone to see me with eyes that can gauge potential. Someone who I can relate to and who will give me a chance, who will help me and allow me to help them. In whatever sense, please help me connect this way with a potential employer. I really have so much to give, and I want my work to pay off for a change. There have just been too many disappointments and frustrations, from moving to NJ straight out of HS & losing the flight school job, to getting so sick at Antioch & injured after Full Sail and screwed again & again in times after... This has *SERIOUSLY* got to change, and I am and will continue to do all that I can to help the situation... it's just not *all* up to me. I need you, and I need employers to allow me the chance and work with me here. That's really the biggest overlying thing right now. So much more will take a drastic upswing once the job department is taken care of.
My heart is healing up, it's coming to understand many things somewhat better, and let go of others that are beyond comprehension. I feel good, and very settled, about how things with Judah ended up. I will always love Tyler, and while I miss his uniqueness & his company, I no longer feel torn apart over something that was simply never going to work to begin with. I have become stronger in that I will not allow people to treat me poorly or as though I have little value, and I will not waste my time or my love, or allow others to do the same if it isn't right. I've come a long way throughout it all, and hope to put these lessons to use in a relationship that's real and worthwhile. Help me not be afraid to trust if a person is trustworthy. Help me surpass my fear of being vulnerable, and move beyond the infuriation & disgust i feel at the laziness, the lack of consideration, and heal from the impact of the outright disrespect i've gotten from those with whom i've misplaced my affection. Help me to know when something's *REAL*, and my enthusiasm and regard for someone will be returned in some way, and appreciated. Help me find a love that will go both ways... I was fucked up and sabotaged *so much* when i was younger, and sincerely hope that i've paid for it by now.
In so many ways, I came into this year so ready to cut the shit, to lose all the pointless crap, and get down to what really matters. The "for reals" have come into sharp focus; and now it's time to shift that focus on to what is most valuable and important to my heart. A lot has changed and I sure have grown since January. If anything, I can look back on many times and picture a sharpened hook just slashing away at all the hollow stalks that were draining the soil and taking up an unfair part of the sunlight. I've dealt with it, and I've been as strong as I could be, and savoured every moment of comfort and happiness that I've had. I need to be and to feel that I am valued as I value those I love. I need to not be tossed aside or forgotten about as though I just don't matter that much overall. It's too much; it needs to stop turning out that way.
It is time for things to start working out in life. It is time for the efforts I make to AMOUNT TO GOOD THINGS. It is time to for the seeds I've been planting, the good wishes from others and the love & concern from my family to take root in good soil and *thrive*. PLEASE, help me find a good job. Help me cultivate and maintain some stability. Help me move forward and make my way strongly and productively through this life. Help me come into a position where I can do more good for others, without it just being a drain due to misplaced compassion. Help me to find, and to *know* a partner that I can share it all with, who will nurture my heart as I desire so deeply to nurture another's.
I just want a reasonably happy home. Nothing greedy or extravagant, but enough to donate and travel with. Good people to share it with. Someone special to love and be loved by through it all. Maybe someday, more than one love. :) I'll honestly just be so happy with just one true heart I can rely on.
Universe, please help me fulfill my potential. I can do so much good if only given the chance.
Thank You, as Always, for Listening.
~~With Love... Gwyddon
*
I know i should be in bed, but there are some things i really need to talk to you about right now, and i hope you will listen with kindness and compassion as in times past.
*i need a sign... to let me know you're here
all of these lines are being crossed over the atmosphere
i need a reason for the way things have to be
i need a hand to help build up some kind of hope inside of me*
You know how much of a hard time I've been having lately. Sometimes the slightest thing, such as inflating my tires, has turned into another collexion of annoyances with my hands getting nicked up and the little cap things not coming off the tires. There have been too many heartbreaks, continually getting hopes up and working towards things that have amounted to nothing, problems with money, stress, SO MUCH FRUSTRATION, insomnia, and enough bafflement & hurt from other human beings shatter what's left of my head.
I do feel that I have always had a lot of compassion, and I hope that you and others will be able to show a little bit more for me. I'm not asking for anything massive, just a softening of this constant edge, a mellowing of the tension that i just rather uncomfortably muddle through on most "ok" days, and that threatens to break me on the worst ones. i feel as though shit just keeps grinding hard on my mind, til it's worn down to a thin, unsturdy state... i've been trying very hard to focus on the good things, to remember that i have it so much better than so many unfortunate souls in the world, to continue to be grateful for the sunshine and the trees, the small joys and the random things, but realistically it is exceptionally hard, sometimes, to keep that faith. I know part of that is distance from 4Qf and the fact i need to fucking go outside and hug trees & sit in the grass more, and believe me, I will do that.
What I'm asking for is a slight breather. Not necessarily from various goings-on where i can be of some use, though it would certainly be nice to get a few days to just focus on my house. it would vigorously appreciated. Mainly what I'm asking for is some relief from all the tension, so i can breathe deep and focus more effectively. to be able to move through my day and get things done, to flow and create, rather than fighting through "ick" in a cramped, taut fashion. A boost of strength, a zap of determination, to get in the mindset overcome this hill, and not feel like i'm just staving off this cloud that's always hovering and often feels close enough to crush me.
"Everlong" and Sunshowers have seemed a bit ineffectual lately. not sure what's with that, or if i should just be looking for different signs. It's really fucking with my whole idea of finding beauty in any situation, of holding out & holding on til the sun shines through. If that needs some adjustment, then by all means, please show me the way. Illuminate this path and help me use my eyes to see the better things more clearly. I feel so half-way baffled in generally a daze too much of the time...
I have great friends and it's summertime. Despite my constant cringing ache and huge fucking truckload of frustration, there are beautiful things to be really thankful for. Please help me to be more aware of that, and not shut internal things away... I don't want to be so hesitant or embarrassed with expressing emotions as I have been lately... that's not right, and it's no way to live. I want to feel *ALIVE* again, creative, and at least somewhat more free to write my own story. I'm doing a lot of things that just don't seem to be making much of a difference. I want and know that i *need* to meet you halfway on this, but I need to maintain faith in myself to be able to do so. In some ways, I could be trying harder, and I shall. I promise you that; I promise myself. But I cannot do it alone, and I need to stop finding shame in that... I need your help. I need your compassion & understanding, and to be shown these things a bit more directly from the people around me.
I need someone to see me with eyes that can gauge potential. Someone who I can relate to and who will give me a chance, who will help me and allow me to help them. In whatever sense, please help me connect this way with a potential employer. I really have so much to give, and I want my work to pay off for a change. There have just been too many disappointments and frustrations, from moving to NJ straight out of HS & losing the flight school job, to getting so sick at Antioch & injured after Full Sail and screwed again & again in times after... This has *SERIOUSLY* got to change, and I am and will continue to do all that I can to help the situation... it's just not *all* up to me. I need you, and I need employers to allow me the chance and work with me here. That's really the biggest overlying thing right now. So much more will take a drastic upswing once the job department is taken care of.
My heart is healing up, it's coming to understand many things somewhat better, and let go of others that are beyond comprehension. I feel good, and very settled, about how things with Judah ended up. I will always love Tyler, and while I miss his uniqueness & his company, I no longer feel torn apart over something that was simply never going to work to begin with. I have become stronger in that I will not allow people to treat me poorly or as though I have little value, and I will not waste my time or my love, or allow others to do the same if it isn't right. I've come a long way throughout it all, and hope to put these lessons to use in a relationship that's real and worthwhile. Help me not be afraid to trust if a person is trustworthy. Help me surpass my fear of being vulnerable, and move beyond the infuriation & disgust i feel at the laziness, the lack of consideration, and heal from the impact of the outright disrespect i've gotten from those with whom i've misplaced my affection. Help me to know when something's *REAL*, and my enthusiasm and regard for someone will be returned in some way, and appreciated. Help me find a love that will go both ways... I was fucked up and sabotaged *so much* when i was younger, and sincerely hope that i've paid for it by now.
In so many ways, I came into this year so ready to cut the shit, to lose all the pointless crap, and get down to what really matters. The "for reals" have come into sharp focus; and now it's time to shift that focus on to what is most valuable and important to my heart. A lot has changed and I sure have grown since January. If anything, I can look back on many times and picture a sharpened hook just slashing away at all the hollow stalks that were draining the soil and taking up an unfair part of the sunlight. I've dealt with it, and I've been as strong as I could be, and savoured every moment of comfort and happiness that I've had. I need to be and to feel that I am valued as I value those I love. I need to not be tossed aside or forgotten about as though I just don't matter that much overall. It's too much; it needs to stop turning out that way.
It is time for things to start working out in life. It is time for the efforts I make to AMOUNT TO GOOD THINGS. It is time to for the seeds I've been planting, the good wishes from others and the love & concern from my family to take root in good soil and *thrive*. PLEASE, help me find a good job. Help me cultivate and maintain some stability. Help me move forward and make my way strongly and productively through this life. Help me come into a position where I can do more good for others, without it just being a drain due to misplaced compassion. Help me to find, and to *know* a partner that I can share it all with, who will nurture my heart as I desire so deeply to nurture another's.
I just want a reasonably happy home. Nothing greedy or extravagant, but enough to donate and travel with. Good people to share it with. Someone special to love and be loved by through it all. Maybe someday, more than one love. :) I'll honestly just be so happy with just one true heart I can rely on.
Universe, please help me fulfill my potential. I can do so much good if only given the chance.
Thank You, as Always, for Listening.
~~With Love... Gwyddon
*