(no subject)
do you remember when i was planning to spend my summer with philip? i do. i was going to spend my first two months back with him in new york, and then on june 1st i was going to move into my apartment in new brunswick (but not really because i was going to stay with him all the time). some time in march, i mentioned these plans to him, and he did not seem very excited. well, that was fine, i would just go for 3 weeks, spend 3 weeks in florida, and come back and spend 2 more weeks with him until june. I arrived and from the 1st week, I was there, he was asking me when I was going to get out. Not in so many words, but in retrospect, that's exactly what he was saying. Shortly after I arrived, his roommate introduced me to his manager and she wanted to send me on auditions. Well, I wasn't about to pass up an opportunity like that, so I couldn't very well go back to florida. I got my period, so we didn't have sex for a week. Right after that, I got sick and he was about to start shooting a movie and he definitely couldn't risk getting sick, so we didn't even kiss. After a week of that, I went to new jersey for the weekend to hang out with my mom and the day I got back I was locked out of his apartment until 1 am because I didn't find out that he was going to philly that night until after he had already left and I had to wait for his roommate to get home. the next couple of days passed without much conversation and then I went down to new brunswick again, planning to go to val's apartment when I returned to the city. I told him I was going to val's that day. He told me he was "going to get food with people." I didn't go to val's until midnight. He didn't come back all day, even to say goodbye. I called him the next day to tell him it was over because we hadn't spoken. He said nothing. The only communication I've received from him since then was a text message telling me he'd call me later. He never did. This was 2 weeks ago. It makes me sick. I want him to suffer, but he's just having the time of his life with his fancy fucking movie friends, and probably fucking them, too. I want someone to punish him. I want to call him and give him a piece of my mind, but that's what he expects, so I want to leave him alone but that's what he wants.
went to new brunswick again since then and had a week-long love affair with a boy i had a crush on but couldn't do anything with because i was involved. it made me feel better about phil, but it's just the same shit. i shouldn't need another boy to make me feel better about the last one. that's what i always do.
also, it made me think about how much it sucked that i never felt like phil payed enough attention to me but how it always kept me interested. i think i like it if i don't get enough attention because i feel like i have to earn it. that's why i like cats more than dogs. a dog will love you no matter what, but a cat's affection you have to earn. it's fucked up. but i think a lot of people are like that. you know, if you don't have to work for it, you don't really appreciate it. i want more attention than phil gave me. but less than a dog gives. you know?
i'm in orlando now and i want to keep my time as full of human contact as I can, because i've only been home for about 2 hours and i've been feeling pretty lonely for all of it. i went to therapy in london and it was really great, gotta get me some more of that.
went to new brunswick again since then and had a week-long love affair with a boy i had a crush on but couldn't do anything with because i was involved. it made me feel better about phil, but it's just the same shit. i shouldn't need another boy to make me feel better about the last one. that's what i always do.
also, it made me think about how much it sucked that i never felt like phil payed enough attention to me but how it always kept me interested. i think i like it if i don't get enough attention because i feel like i have to earn it. that's why i like cats more than dogs. a dog will love you no matter what, but a cat's affection you have to earn. it's fucked up. but i think a lot of people are like that. you know, if you don't have to work for it, you don't really appreciate it. i want more attention than phil gave me. but less than a dog gives. you know?
i'm in orlando now and i want to keep my time as full of human contact as I can, because i've only been home for about 2 hours and i've been feeling pretty lonely for all of it. i went to therapy in london and it was really great, gotta get me some more of that.