remember, i'm pretending to be who i'm not anymore.
i don't feel alone.
"I know how you feel." it;s supposed to make you feel better. to know that you're not alone. that what you have going on inside you somebody else has going on. to know that you're not the only one being teased, but that's not what i want to hear considering the fact that i want to feel special. being told you're like someone else is not something i want to hear. i just want to scream. i want to rant to somebody who cares a bit more. i want somone to give me advice not to just listen. i want. that feeling of being wanted! i am officially the only fucking virgin in this stupid house. now it shouldn't bother me. it doesn't really. the whole, 'having sex' thing doesn't appeal to me at this moment. maybe cuzi have my period but i just...it just doesn't appeal to me right now. no, the whole i feel wanted thing is what i want. cuz someone liked her enough to be with her like that. i fucking refuse to think of it any further than that. fucking hell. ick. but yeah. that feeling. i want that so fucking bad. i just need someone. i need to get out of here. i hate jersey. i don't care. i don't care what people might say because this is how i fucking feel. if i had a choice between staying in ny or coming to nj i'd pick ny. stop being in the past. yeah. the what ifs don't matter its just the now. fuck it! i'd rather be in jersey. i had some great moments. i've met some fucking great friends, but i've had more bad expereinces here then at ny. i had real friends! now listen, i'm not saying i don't have friends, but i'm comparing it to my years of elementary school and to my years in middle school. the years where every fucking thing was new. where everything was fucking upside down. where i was the fucking loner! you all fucking realize i had friends in ny? that when i was younger i new almost everyone and i liked everyone there! that's where my heart is. sharing that room with my sister, in that apartment building near my friends. that's where my heart is. i mis them so mcuh. my friend stephen. he was awesome. i thought we'd be friends forever. never fucking happened. we got out of touch. i don't know what he's like anymore. he's so fucking quiet. i haven't talked to him. now it feels like we're on different planets. i miss him. i miss feeling like i belong.
i am that girl in the school dances, on the sidelines waiting to be asked to dance.
i am the mismatched girl trying to belong and getting laughed at.
i should really get out of living in the past shouldn't i? why am i thinking about that now? i don't know. maybe because it would've made a huge difference. i don't know. i don't feel alone. i don't feel like there's no one who understands. i'm not that fucking naive. i know that people went through worse. i know that people have been fucking beaten. i know that they've been raped. i know my worries are nothing compared to theirs. mine is nothing but stupid whining! i'm just a fucking whiner! i should just get over it. because i'm just swimming in my head. stewing in my thoughts. crying about nothing.
i look in the mirror and just see myself as nothing. i blend it. i'm nothing. i'm an extra in someone else's movie life. i'm there but you don't notice me. regular dark hair, dark eyes. nothing to notice. i'm not some exotic beauty. i'm a fucking messed up puerto rican. i looke white, act white, can't speak spanish. i'm just here trying to do something. i like my eyes, but nobody notices them because they pass over me. if you take a quick glance at a crowd i'm in you notice the blonds before me. dark brown eyes that melt into my hair. nothing. i'm just....there. i'm living. but i'm not fucking suicdal. don't you dare fucking think that. no matter how much my wrists tingles i will never put a blade or knife to them. fuck you if you think that. you don't fucking know me. i will be a fucking comic artist. i will. and sometimes that's the only thing that gets me by. even thuogh i look at my art and go, what the fuck am i doing? why was i even allowed to step foot in the harvard of drawing? i still keep going, because i just want to prove to myself i can do this. that i can fucking learn. that the feeling i used to get when i went to school can come back. i loved school. not because of the friends but because of the school. i loved it. i wish i stayed longer. i wish i was there, but it's gone. it's nothing anymore. it's just me here now. with the past of moving, knowing noone, feeling alone, being picked on, being left behind, feeling dumb, feeling naive, feeling like i can't do anything. with my happy moments. my times with my new friends. with band. vacations. and.....fuck! fuckfuckfuck! i can't remember that happy moments anymore. i can't! i remember disney. i remember being happy there. yeah. i remember that. i jsut...want to be alone right now. i want to wake up late and stay home. i just want to curl up and fall asleep. i want to feel loved again. i wanted to feel wanted. i want to feel like there's somebody that cares. i don't want people to feel sorry for me beucase it's just a phase.
what would a therapist do anyway? have me talk and ask some questions. is there advice? how would i make myself feel better? how would he/she make me feel better. i don't think he/she can. i really don't. i'm afraid i'll be wasting his/her time. with my whining. with my rambles. in the end it'll be nothing but paranoia and anxiety. no fucking drugs for me thanks. you can keep those. i'd rather do this my goddamn fucking self.
in the end i think it comes down to the fact that i hate myself. there's nothing else but that. i hate the way i look. huge thighs, squishy stomach, manly sort of face, i'm short, with dark hair and boring colored eyes. i'm shy and hide from the world here in front of my computer. i don't meet guys because i stay in here, sitting on my fat ass, waiting for nothing. yea. fucking pathetic. i hate my job but i can't leave it for the simple fact that i need the fucking stupid money. if it wasn't for the money then maybe i might have some sort of date but no. here i fucking am being depressed. i'm such a goddamn loser. fucking hell! look at me preaching to empty eyes. droning to people who give it a cursory glance. you know what the best part is? i don't want anyone to fucking respond to this. you know why? i'm just letting off steam. yeah. just leave me alone. i'll be fine. fucking really.
as for the rest of my life. my birthday was fun. my party was fun. olivia's party was fun. i like being with them, but i also feel like i'm out of the loop. i feel like i'm missing something. i feel like i should be somewhere else, like i took a wrong turn somewhere, but...i don't know. so here i am. yeah.
i think i'd like to be special though. i'd wnat to be a model. i like that. i like making myself up. i love dressing up. but the main thing is i'm short, ugly, and fat. so yeah. nobody woud take an interest in me. because i'm just an extra. yeah.
^__^
denial in the worst way...
I cannot take this anymore
I'm saying everything I've said before
All these words they make no sense
I find bliss in ignorance
I find the answers aren't so clear
Wish I could find a way to disappear
All these thoughts they make no sense
I find bliss in ignorance
Nothing seems to go away
Over and over again
Everything you say to me
Takes me one step closer to the edge
And I'm about to break
I need a little room to breathe
Cause I'm one step closer to the edge
And I'm about to break
Break break break break break
shut up when I'm talking to you
shut up shut up shut up
shut up when I'm talking to you
shut up shut up shut up shut up
I’m about to break
I woke up in a dream today
To the cold of the static and put my cold feet on the floor
Forgot all about yesterday
Remembering I'm pretending to be where I'm not anymore
A little taste of hypocrisy
And I'm left in the wake of the mistake slow to react
When things go wrong I pretend the past isn't real
these wounds they will not heal
fear is how I fall
confusing what is real
there's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
consuming/confusing
this lack of self-control I fear is never ending
controlling/I can't seem
to find myself again
my walls are closing in
(without a sense of confidence and I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before
so insecure
discomfort, endlessly has pulled itself upon me
distracting/reacting
against my will I stand beside my own reflection
it's haunting how I can't seem...
to find myself again
my walls are closing in
(without a sense of confidence and I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before
so insecure
The lessons that you taught me
I learn were never true
Now I find myself in question
I wanna run away
Never say goodbye
I wanna know the truth
Instead of wondering why
I wanna know the answers
No more lies
I wanna shut the door
And open up my mind
Because I can’t hold on / when I’m stretched so thin
I make the right moves but I’m lost within
I put on my daily façade but then
I just end up getting hurt again
by myself [myself]
I ask why, but in my mind
I find I can’t rely on myself
[myself]
I ask why, but in my mind
I find I can’t rely on myself
I can’t hold on
To what I want when I’m stretched so thin
It’s all too much to take in
I can’t hold on
To anything watching everything spin
With thoughts of failure sinking in
If I
Turn my back I’m defenseless
And to go blindly seems senseless
If I hide my pride and let it all go on / then they’ll
Take from me ‘till everything is gone
If I let them go I’ll be outdone
But if I try to catch them I’ll be outrun
If I’m killed by the questions like a cancer
Then I’ll be buried in the silence of the answer
Everything falls apart / even the people who never frown / eventually break down
The sacrifice of hiding in a lie
Everything has to end / you’ll soon find we’re out of time left / to watch it all unwind
The sacrifice is never knowing
Sometimes I
Need to remember just to breathe
Sometimes I
Need you to stay away from me
Sometimes I'm
In disbelief I didn't know
Somehow I
Need you to go
Sometimes I
Feel like I trusted you too well
Sometimes I
Just feel like screaming at myself
Somestimes I'm
In Disbelief I didn't know
Somehow I
Need to be alone
When this began
I had nothing to say
And I'd get lost in the nothingness inside of me
I was confused
And I let it all out to find/That I'm
Not the only person with these things in mind
Inside of me
But all the vacancy the words revealed
Is the only real thing that I've got left to feel
Nothing to lose
Just stuck/Hollow and alone
And the fault is my own
And the fault is my own
I want to heal
I want to feel
What I thought was never real
I want to let go of the pain I've held so long
[Erase all the pain 'til it's gone]
It's gone]
I want to heal
I want to feel
Like I'm close to something real
I want to find something I've wanted all along
Somewhere I Belong
And I've got nothing to say
I can't believe I didn't fall right down on my face
I was confused
Looking everywhere/Only to fin that it's
Not the way I had imagined it all in my mind
So what am I
What do I have but negativity
'Cause I can't justify the
Way everyone is looking at me
Nothing to lose
Nothing to gain/Hollow and alone
And the fault is my own
The fault is my own
I will never know
Myself until I do this on my own
And I will never feel
Anything else until my wounds are healed
I will never be
Anything 'til I break away from me
And I will break away
I'll find myself today
I want to heal
I want to feel like I'm
Somewhere I belong
I remember what they taugt to me
Remember condescending talk
Of who I ought to be
Remember listening to all of that
And this again
So I pretended up a person who was fitting in
And now you think this person
Really is me and I'm
[Trying to bend the truth]
But the more I push
The more I'm pulling away
'Cause I'm
It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone
Something has been taken
From deep inside of me
A secret I've kept locked away
No one can ever see
Wounds so deep they never show
They never go away
Like moving pictures in my head
For years and years they've played
If I could change I would
Take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would
If I could
Stand up and take the blame I would
If I could take all the shame to the grave I
Would
Sometimes I remember
The darkness of my past
Bringing back these memories
I wish I didn't have
Sometimes I think of letting go
And never looking back
And never moving forward so
There would never be a past
Just washing it aside
All of the helplessness inside
Pretending I don't feel misplaced
Is so much simpler than change
It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone
I am
Little bit of loneliness
A little bit of disregard
A handful of complaints
But I can't help the fact
That everyone can see these scars
I am
What I want you to want
What I want you to feel
But it's like
No matter what I do
I can't convince you
To just believe this is real
So I let go
I am
A little bit insecure
A little unconfident
'Cause you don't understand
I do what I can
But sometimes I don't make sense
I am
What you never want to say
But i've never had a doubt
It's like no matter what I do
I can't convince you
For once just to hear me out
No
Hear me out now
You're gonna listen to me
Like it or not
Right now
Nothing ever stops all these thoughts
And the pain attached to them
Sometimes I wonder why this is happening
It's like nothing I can do
Will distract me when
I think of how I shot myself in the back again
'Cause from the infinite words I could say
Put all the pain you gave to me on display
But didn't realize
Instead of setting it free
I took what I hated and made it part of me
[It never goes away]
Memories consume
Like opening the wound
I'm picking me apart again
You all assume
I'm safe here in my room
[Unless I try to start again]
I don't want to be the one
The battles always choose
'Cause inside I realize
That i'm the one confused
I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I know it's not alright
So I'm breaking the habit
Tonight
Clutching my cure
I tightly lock the door
I try to catch my breath again
I hurt much more
Than anytime before
I had no options left again
I'll paint it on the walls
'Cause i'm the one at fault
I'll never fight again
And this is how it ends
I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
But now I have some clarity
To show you what I mean
I don't know how I got this way
I'll never be alright
So I'm breaking the habit
Breaking the Habit
Tonight
Don't know who to trust
No surprise
Everyone feels so far away from me
Heavy thoughts sift through dust
And the lies
Trying not to break
But i'm so tired of this deceit
Every time I try to make myself
Get back up on my feet
All I ever think about is this
All the tiring time between
And how
Trying to put my trust in you
Just takes so much out of me
I take everything from the inside
And throw it all away
'Cause I swear
For the last time
I won't trust myself with you
Tension is building inside
Steadily
Everyone feels so far away from me
Heavy thoughts forcing their way
Out of me
I won't trust myself with you
I won't waste myself on you
Waste myself on you
You
Try to give you warning
But everyone ignores me
[Told you everything loud and clear]
But nobody's listening
Call to you so clearly
But you don't want to hear me
[Told you everything loud and clear]
But nobody's listening
I got a
Heart full of pain
Head full of stress
Handful of anger
Held in my chest
Uphill struggle
Blood, sweat and tears
Nothing to gain
Everything to fear
I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless
Lost under the surface
I don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure
Of walking in your shoes
[Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow]
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
I've
Become so numb
I can't feel you there
Become so tired
So much more aware
I'm becoming this
All I want to do
Is be more like me
And be less like you
Can't you see that you're smothering me
Holding too tightly
Afraid to lose control
'Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you
[Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow]
Every step that I take is
Another mistake to you
[Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow]
And every second I waste
Is more than I can take
And I know
I may end up failing too
But I know
You were just like me
With someone disappointed in you
thank you linking park.
sorry for putting all this in your guy's friends list. it's long but i don't want to cut it. i like it. and such. and yeah.
edit:
adding this little section from a couple of posts before because i really want to see this in black and white instead of highlight.
there was something in my sister's teen people magazine about suicide. i don't want to do it, but that feeling of it. that feeling like you just aren't needed, will never be needed. i'm afraid of going to a therapist because the therapist will think i'm just being paranoid. That i've spent an hour crying about nothing and i'm being hysterical. that i'm alright. because...i guess if my parents haven't seen it then why should i? my mom makes me so fucking self concious. dry skin on my face, zits on my chin, how skinny i am, how fat i am, that i'm not allowed to have stress, then i'm fucking lazy. she makes me feel something...dont' know what it is. i have so much trust in her and if she hasn't noticed it then maybe i don't need to go to a therapist. i broke down with vince the other day. after i ranted i was fine but he said i should go to a therapist. vince goes to one and i dn't think he's weak but...people depend on me. i'm afraid of what they'll think. better to lock myself away, no? they'll go away eventually. come out in one big burst. let me cry and then i'm fine. happy. no therapist needed. but...that one day when the skins on my wrist tingle a little too much...what will happen? i feel like a loser sometimes. i can still remeember eating alone. huddling in a corner of a bench trying to shrink away, eating my sandwhich silently waiting to get outside to try to find a group. i can remember being by myself. i can remember just blocking it out. i can remeber crying becuase ii wasn't normal. i didn't like having chocolate and nobody brought soda to a party, i had to ask to get some water from the fountain. i remember being teased. i remember someone tapping my shoulder, turning away and i shrugged. i didn't know what was happening and the next moment they were making fun of me. i remember trying to adapt myself to their thinking, to their words. i remmber being a follower and a loser at the same time. i rememeber being gullible, too trusting. i remember getting laughed at because i thought something was real and my 'frends' forgot to tell me it wasn't. i remember a popular smelling something in the air, he dropped his pencil and fucking crawled over to my seat to embaress me thinking the fucking smell came from me. i remember being by myself in the hallway. being asked who i was and stupidly aanswering before he spouted some stupid remark from a wrestler, how everyone laughed and i scurried away. i remember being tormented. i remember being alone. i rememeber wanting to srhink. why can't i remember happiness?
end edit
you know what? i feel better. so please don't respond to this. just treat me the same. i feel so much better ranting and crying. so yea. this isjust a memeory. like that squid comic of joe's that i have in my computer,t hat i can look at from time to time thinking either "wow there was someone that liked me" or "i fucked up." like when i look at fedex trucks and think of how me and joe poked each other whenever we saw a fed ex truck. yea. memories like that. it makes you fee alive.
"I know how you feel." it;s supposed to make you feel better. to know that you're not alone. that what you have going on inside you somebody else has going on. to know that you're not the only one being teased, but that's not what i want to hear considering the fact that i want to feel special. being told you're like someone else is not something i want to hear. i just want to scream. i want to rant to somebody who cares a bit more. i want somone to give me advice not to just listen. i want. that feeling of being wanted! i am officially the only fucking virgin in this stupid house. now it shouldn't bother me. it doesn't really. the whole, 'having sex' thing doesn't appeal to me at this moment. maybe cuzi have my period but i just...it just doesn't appeal to me right now. no, the whole i feel wanted thing is what i want. cuz someone liked her enough to be with her like that. i fucking refuse to think of it any further than that. fucking hell. ick. but yeah. that feeling. i want that so fucking bad. i just need someone. i need to get out of here. i hate jersey. i don't care. i don't care what people might say because this is how i fucking feel. if i had a choice between staying in ny or coming to nj i'd pick ny. stop being in the past. yeah. the what ifs don't matter its just the now. fuck it! i'd rather be in jersey. i had some great moments. i've met some fucking great friends, but i've had more bad expereinces here then at ny. i had real friends! now listen, i'm not saying i don't have friends, but i'm comparing it to my years of elementary school and to my years in middle school. the years where every fucking thing was new. where everything was fucking upside down. where i was the fucking loner! you all fucking realize i had friends in ny? that when i was younger i new almost everyone and i liked everyone there! that's where my heart is. sharing that room with my sister, in that apartment building near my friends. that's where my heart is. i mis them so mcuh. my friend stephen. he was awesome. i thought we'd be friends forever. never fucking happened. we got out of touch. i don't know what he's like anymore. he's so fucking quiet. i haven't talked to him. now it feels like we're on different planets. i miss him. i miss feeling like i belong.
i am that girl in the school dances, on the sidelines waiting to be asked to dance.
i am the mismatched girl trying to belong and getting laughed at.
i should really get out of living in the past shouldn't i? why am i thinking about that now? i don't know. maybe because it would've made a huge difference. i don't know. i don't feel alone. i don't feel like there's no one who understands. i'm not that fucking naive. i know that people went through worse. i know that people have been fucking beaten. i know that they've been raped. i know my worries are nothing compared to theirs. mine is nothing but stupid whining! i'm just a fucking whiner! i should just get over it. because i'm just swimming in my head. stewing in my thoughts. crying about nothing.
i look in the mirror and just see myself as nothing. i blend it. i'm nothing. i'm an extra in someone else's movie life. i'm there but you don't notice me. regular dark hair, dark eyes. nothing to notice. i'm not some exotic beauty. i'm a fucking messed up puerto rican. i looke white, act white, can't speak spanish. i'm just here trying to do something. i like my eyes, but nobody notices them because they pass over me. if you take a quick glance at a crowd i'm in you notice the blonds before me. dark brown eyes that melt into my hair. nothing. i'm just....there. i'm living. but i'm not fucking suicdal. don't you dare fucking think that. no matter how much my wrists tingles i will never put a blade or knife to them. fuck you if you think that. you don't fucking know me. i will be a fucking comic artist. i will. and sometimes that's the only thing that gets me by. even thuogh i look at my art and go, what the fuck am i doing? why was i even allowed to step foot in the harvard of drawing? i still keep going, because i just want to prove to myself i can do this. that i can fucking learn. that the feeling i used to get when i went to school can come back. i loved school. not because of the friends but because of the school. i loved it. i wish i stayed longer. i wish i was there, but it's gone. it's nothing anymore. it's just me here now. with the past of moving, knowing noone, feeling alone, being picked on, being left behind, feeling dumb, feeling naive, feeling like i can't do anything. with my happy moments. my times with my new friends. with band. vacations. and.....fuck! fuckfuckfuck! i can't remember that happy moments anymore. i can't! i remember disney. i remember being happy there. yeah. i remember that. i jsut...want to be alone right now. i want to wake up late and stay home. i just want to curl up and fall asleep. i want to feel loved again. i wanted to feel wanted. i want to feel like there's somebody that cares. i don't want people to feel sorry for me beucase it's just a phase.
what would a therapist do anyway? have me talk and ask some questions. is there advice? how would i make myself feel better? how would he/she make me feel better. i don't think he/she can. i really don't. i'm afraid i'll be wasting his/her time. with my whining. with my rambles. in the end it'll be nothing but paranoia and anxiety. no fucking drugs for me thanks. you can keep those. i'd rather do this my goddamn fucking self.
in the end i think it comes down to the fact that i hate myself. there's nothing else but that. i hate the way i look. huge thighs, squishy stomach, manly sort of face, i'm short, with dark hair and boring colored eyes. i'm shy and hide from the world here in front of my computer. i don't meet guys because i stay in here, sitting on my fat ass, waiting for nothing. yea. fucking pathetic. i hate my job but i can't leave it for the simple fact that i need the fucking stupid money. if it wasn't for the money then maybe i might have some sort of date but no. here i fucking am being depressed. i'm such a goddamn loser. fucking hell! look at me preaching to empty eyes. droning to people who give it a cursory glance. you know what the best part is? i don't want anyone to fucking respond to this. you know why? i'm just letting off steam. yeah. just leave me alone. i'll be fine. fucking really.
as for the rest of my life. my birthday was fun. my party was fun. olivia's party was fun. i like being with them, but i also feel like i'm out of the loop. i feel like i'm missing something. i feel like i should be somewhere else, like i took a wrong turn somewhere, but...i don't know. so here i am. yeah.
i think i'd like to be special though. i'd wnat to be a model. i like that. i like making myself up. i love dressing up. but the main thing is i'm short, ugly, and fat. so yeah. nobody woud take an interest in me. because i'm just an extra. yeah.
^__^
denial in the worst way...
I cannot take this anymore
I'm saying everything I've said before
All these words they make no sense
I find bliss in ignorance
I find the answers aren't so clear
Wish I could find a way to disappear
All these thoughts they make no sense
I find bliss in ignorance
Nothing seems to go away
Over and over again
Everything you say to me
Takes me one step closer to the edge
And I'm about to break
I need a little room to breathe
Cause I'm one step closer to the edge
And I'm about to break
Break break break break break
shut up when I'm talking to you
shut up shut up shut up
shut up when I'm talking to you
shut up shut up shut up shut up
I’m about to break
I woke up in a dream today
To the cold of the static and put my cold feet on the floor
Forgot all about yesterday
Remembering I'm pretending to be where I'm not anymore
A little taste of hypocrisy
And I'm left in the wake of the mistake slow to react
When things go wrong I pretend the past isn't real
these wounds they will not heal
fear is how I fall
confusing what is real
there's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
consuming/confusing
this lack of self-control I fear is never ending
controlling/I can't seem
to find myself again
my walls are closing in
(without a sense of confidence and I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before
so insecure
discomfort, endlessly has pulled itself upon me
distracting/reacting
against my will I stand beside my own reflection
it's haunting how I can't seem...
to find myself again
my walls are closing in
(without a sense of confidence and I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before
so insecure
The lessons that you taught me
I learn were never true
Now I find myself in question
I wanna run away
Never say goodbye
I wanna know the truth
Instead of wondering why
I wanna know the answers
No more lies
I wanna shut the door
And open up my mind
Because I can’t hold on / when I’m stretched so thin
I make the right moves but I’m lost within
I put on my daily façade but then
I just end up getting hurt again
by myself [myself]
I ask why, but in my mind
I find I can’t rely on myself
[myself]
I ask why, but in my mind
I find I can’t rely on myself
I can’t hold on
To what I want when I’m stretched so thin
It’s all too much to take in
I can’t hold on
To anything watching everything spin
With thoughts of failure sinking in
If I
Turn my back I’m defenseless
And to go blindly seems senseless
If I hide my pride and let it all go on / then they’ll
Take from me ‘till everything is gone
If I let them go I’ll be outdone
But if I try to catch them I’ll be outrun
If I’m killed by the questions like a cancer
Then I’ll be buried in the silence of the answer
Everything falls apart / even the people who never frown / eventually break down
The sacrifice of hiding in a lie
Everything has to end / you’ll soon find we’re out of time left / to watch it all unwind
The sacrifice is never knowing
Sometimes I
Need to remember just to breathe
Sometimes I
Need you to stay away from me
Sometimes I'm
In disbelief I didn't know
Somehow I
Need you to go
Sometimes I
Feel like I trusted you too well
Sometimes I
Just feel like screaming at myself
Somestimes I'm
In Disbelief I didn't know
Somehow I
Need to be alone
When this began
I had nothing to say
And I'd get lost in the nothingness inside of me
I was confused
And I let it all out to find/That I'm
Not the only person with these things in mind
Inside of me
But all the vacancy the words revealed
Is the only real thing that I've got left to feel
Nothing to lose
Just stuck/Hollow and alone
And the fault is my own
And the fault is my own
I want to heal
I want to feel
What I thought was never real
I want to let go of the pain I've held so long
[Erase all the pain 'til it's gone]
It's gone]
I want to heal
I want to feel
Like I'm close to something real
I want to find something I've wanted all along
Somewhere I Belong
And I've got nothing to say
I can't believe I didn't fall right down on my face
I was confused
Looking everywhere/Only to fin that it's
Not the way I had imagined it all in my mind
So what am I
What do I have but negativity
'Cause I can't justify the
Way everyone is looking at me
Nothing to lose
Nothing to gain/Hollow and alone
And the fault is my own
The fault is my own
I will never know
Myself until I do this on my own
And I will never feel
Anything else until my wounds are healed
I will never be
Anything 'til I break away from me
And I will break away
I'll find myself today
I want to heal
I want to feel like I'm
Somewhere I belong
I remember what they taugt to me
Remember condescending talk
Of who I ought to be
Remember listening to all of that
And this again
So I pretended up a person who was fitting in
And now you think this person
Really is me and I'm
[Trying to bend the truth]
But the more I push
The more I'm pulling away
'Cause I'm
It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone
Something has been taken
From deep inside of me
A secret I've kept locked away
No one can ever see
Wounds so deep they never show
They never go away
Like moving pictures in my head
For years and years they've played
If I could change I would
Take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would
If I could
Stand up and take the blame I would
If I could take all the shame to the grave I
Would
Sometimes I remember
The darkness of my past
Bringing back these memories
I wish I didn't have
Sometimes I think of letting go
And never looking back
And never moving forward so
There would never be a past
Just washing it aside
All of the helplessness inside
Pretending I don't feel misplaced
Is so much simpler than change
It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone
I am
Little bit of loneliness
A little bit of disregard
A handful of complaints
But I can't help the fact
That everyone can see these scars
I am
What I want you to want
What I want you to feel
But it's like
No matter what I do
I can't convince you
To just believe this is real
So I let go
I am
A little bit insecure
A little unconfident
'Cause you don't understand
I do what I can
But sometimes I don't make sense
I am
What you never want to say
But i've never had a doubt
It's like no matter what I do
I can't convince you
For once just to hear me out
No
Hear me out now
You're gonna listen to me
Like it or not
Right now
Nothing ever stops all these thoughts
And the pain attached to them
Sometimes I wonder why this is happening
It's like nothing I can do
Will distract me when
I think of how I shot myself in the back again
'Cause from the infinite words I could say
Put all the pain you gave to me on display
But didn't realize
Instead of setting it free
I took what I hated and made it part of me
[It never goes away]
Memories consume
Like opening the wound
I'm picking me apart again
You all assume
I'm safe here in my room
[Unless I try to start again]
I don't want to be the one
The battles always choose
'Cause inside I realize
That i'm the one confused
I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I know it's not alright
So I'm breaking the habit
Tonight
Clutching my cure
I tightly lock the door
I try to catch my breath again
I hurt much more
Than anytime before
I had no options left again
I'll paint it on the walls
'Cause i'm the one at fault
I'll never fight again
And this is how it ends
I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
But now I have some clarity
To show you what I mean
I don't know how I got this way
I'll never be alright
So I'm breaking the habit
Breaking the Habit
Tonight
Don't know who to trust
No surprise
Everyone feels so far away from me
Heavy thoughts sift through dust
And the lies
Trying not to break
But i'm so tired of this deceit
Every time I try to make myself
Get back up on my feet
All I ever think about is this
All the tiring time between
And how
Trying to put my trust in you
Just takes so much out of me
I take everything from the inside
And throw it all away
'Cause I swear
For the last time
I won't trust myself with you
Tension is building inside
Steadily
Everyone feels so far away from me
Heavy thoughts forcing their way
Out of me
I won't trust myself with you
I won't waste myself on you
Waste myself on you
You
Try to give you warning
But everyone ignores me
[Told you everything loud and clear]
But nobody's listening
Call to you so clearly
But you don't want to hear me
[Told you everything loud and clear]
But nobody's listening
I got a
Heart full of pain
Head full of stress
Handful of anger
Held in my chest
Uphill struggle
Blood, sweat and tears
Nothing to gain
Everything to fear
I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless
Lost under the surface
I don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure
Of walking in your shoes
[Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow]
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
I've
Become so numb
I can't feel you there
Become so tired
So much more aware
I'm becoming this
All I want to do
Is be more like me
And be less like you
Can't you see that you're smothering me
Holding too tightly
Afraid to lose control
'Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you
[Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow]
Every step that I take is
Another mistake to you
[Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow]
And every second I waste
Is more than I can take
And I know
I may end up failing too
But I know
You were just like me
With someone disappointed in you
thank you linking park.
sorry for putting all this in your guy's friends list. it's long but i don't want to cut it. i like it. and such. and yeah.
edit:
adding this little section from a couple of posts before because i really want to see this in black and white instead of highlight.
there was something in my sister's teen people magazine about suicide. i don't want to do it, but that feeling of it. that feeling like you just aren't needed, will never be needed. i'm afraid of going to a therapist because the therapist will think i'm just being paranoid. That i've spent an hour crying about nothing and i'm being hysterical. that i'm alright. because...i guess if my parents haven't seen it then why should i? my mom makes me so fucking self concious. dry skin on my face, zits on my chin, how skinny i am, how fat i am, that i'm not allowed to have stress, then i'm fucking lazy. she makes me feel something...dont' know what it is. i have so much trust in her and if she hasn't noticed it then maybe i don't need to go to a therapist. i broke down with vince the other day. after i ranted i was fine but he said i should go to a therapist. vince goes to one and i dn't think he's weak but...people depend on me. i'm afraid of what they'll think. better to lock myself away, no? they'll go away eventually. come out in one big burst. let me cry and then i'm fine. happy. no therapist needed. but...that one day when the skins on my wrist tingle a little too much...what will happen? i feel like a loser sometimes. i can still remeember eating alone. huddling in a corner of a bench trying to shrink away, eating my sandwhich silently waiting to get outside to try to find a group. i can remember being by myself. i can remember just blocking it out. i can remeber crying becuase ii wasn't normal. i didn't like having chocolate and nobody brought soda to a party, i had to ask to get some water from the fountain. i remember being teased. i remember someone tapping my shoulder, turning away and i shrugged. i didn't know what was happening and the next moment they were making fun of me. i remember trying to adapt myself to their thinking, to their words. i remmber being a follower and a loser at the same time. i rememeber being gullible, too trusting. i remember getting laughed at because i thought something was real and my 'frends' forgot to tell me it wasn't. i remember a popular smelling something in the air, he dropped his pencil and fucking crawled over to my seat to embaress me thinking the fucking smell came from me. i remember being by myself in the hallway. being asked who i was and stupidly aanswering before he spouted some stupid remark from a wrestler, how everyone laughed and i scurried away. i remember being tormented. i remember being alone. i rememeber wanting to srhink. why can't i remember happiness?
end edit
you know what? i feel better. so please don't respond to this. just treat me the same. i feel so much better ranting and crying. so yea. this isjust a memeory. like that squid comic of joe's that i have in my computer,t hat i can look at from time to time thinking either "wow there was someone that liked me" or "i fucked up." like when i look at fedex trucks and think of how me and joe poked each other whenever we saw a fed ex truck. yea. memories like that. it makes you fee alive.