whining.
whining - because i feel as though i can't pass out until it's all out. and most of this is petty.. and most of it won't matter by the time the weekend comes here. but this has been one of the worst weeks i've ever had.
time - i don't even feel like i have a minute. i feel like if i take thirty seconds to prolong a goodbye with a close friend, i've wasted time i could have spent reading assigned chapters, or learning lines, or breathing. i went to all of my classes this week. you'd think that wouldn't be an accomplishment, but one week hasn't gone by that i haven't skipped a class so far. i hate that, it makes me feel horrible. some people can sleep for only four hours and function perfectly. but everyone's bodies are different. if i don't get enough sleep i will not get out of bed in the morning. i won't.
newspaper - i'm not having as much fun as i thought. so many things are grating on my nerves and i don't feel like i have a right to say anything because i'm just the photography editor.. the lowest of the low. i can't tell the editor in chief to get her page count done sooner... because i'm not even a section editor. but when i have to wait until 10pm to even begin my pictures... all because she had a busy day. fuck. you know, a lot of people have busy days. i have no patience. and Sasha never had to wait as long as i've had to... and of course there were some late nights for her but they weren't every week. Every Tuesday night at 2am i'm swearing and complaining.
I can't even complain. I complain and it gets me into trouble.
nik: Who would i go to talk to about an idea for the collegian?
gwen: nicole is the editor in chief.. but don't go to nicole. go to amanda koehler if you want anything done right
nicole (from behind me): hi!
gwen:........ that's nicole.
And rehearsals. You know what bitches? You're not the only people who have to wait around... and you knew perfectly well that there were going to be nights where you'd be called but would have to wait until they were ready for you. Bring homework. Stop complaining. Shut the fuck up. Two rehearsals every night is killing me... tonight's one act rehearsal went until 12:45. I'm not angry about that.... i'm glad it's finally starting to come together. It's just frustrating... it's frustrating because I know my shit and I have to wait 45 minutes to even come on stage for the last 5 minutes of each scene that I appear.
And i went to Wawa after rehearsal tonight... i bought cigarettes and stood outside and Lou was last in line so i was out there by myself for a few minutes. A man in an SUV in the parking lot kept calling me over to his car. I was smoking a cigarette. I could have put it down and gone inside but for some reason I felt stuck there. Memories were coming back to me from high school... from freshman year of high school when this 35 year old man from the internet was in my high school's parking lot next to my minivan telling me to come to his car. I had to wait in the van by myself for a few hours for Adam to finish track practice. I went into the back because I felt like the tinted windows would somehow protect me. Like if he didn't see me I didn't exist. But he'd tell me how he wanted to fuck me on a chair. And he'd tell me how he took some 15 year old girl's virginity. And i wanted my brother to finish track practice. And i was stuck in that god damn minivan pretending that I didn't exist.
Whenever i get stressed I feel frozen. I'm paralyzed and the only movement that helps involves biting my fingers to shreds. my right thumb is completely torn and bloody. a few layers of skin came off. I think the thing in life that frustrates me the most is time.... because time controls everything and it isn't even real. It's a completely man-made system of numbers to measure "seconds" which may or may not exist. Each day could very well not be a new day. One long moment.... i like to think in moments. My favorite part of a novel is the alien chapters of Slaughterhouse Five. the aliens viewed time as one extended moment of existing. Vonnegut knows things that are smarter than numbers.
I keep checking my underwear. I have nervous habits. quirks, rather than twitches. I feel like i'm outside of my body. I feel like something is about to explode and I know it's going to happen but not when.
time - i don't even feel like i have a minute. i feel like if i take thirty seconds to prolong a goodbye with a close friend, i've wasted time i could have spent reading assigned chapters, or learning lines, or breathing. i went to all of my classes this week. you'd think that wouldn't be an accomplishment, but one week hasn't gone by that i haven't skipped a class so far. i hate that, it makes me feel horrible. some people can sleep for only four hours and function perfectly. but everyone's bodies are different. if i don't get enough sleep i will not get out of bed in the morning. i won't.
newspaper - i'm not having as much fun as i thought. so many things are grating on my nerves and i don't feel like i have a right to say anything because i'm just the photography editor.. the lowest of the low. i can't tell the editor in chief to get her page count done sooner... because i'm not even a section editor. but when i have to wait until 10pm to even begin my pictures... all because she had a busy day. fuck. you know, a lot of people have busy days. i have no patience. and Sasha never had to wait as long as i've had to... and of course there were some late nights for her but they weren't every week. Every Tuesday night at 2am i'm swearing and complaining.
I can't even complain. I complain and it gets me into trouble.
nik: Who would i go to talk to about an idea for the collegian?
gwen: nicole is the editor in chief.. but don't go to nicole. go to amanda koehler if you want anything done right
nicole (from behind me): hi!
gwen:........ that's nicole.
And rehearsals. You know what bitches? You're not the only people who have to wait around... and you knew perfectly well that there were going to be nights where you'd be called but would have to wait until they were ready for you. Bring homework. Stop complaining. Shut the fuck up. Two rehearsals every night is killing me... tonight's one act rehearsal went until 12:45. I'm not angry about that.... i'm glad it's finally starting to come together. It's just frustrating... it's frustrating because I know my shit and I have to wait 45 minutes to even come on stage for the last 5 minutes of each scene that I appear.
And i went to Wawa after rehearsal tonight... i bought cigarettes and stood outside and Lou was last in line so i was out there by myself for a few minutes. A man in an SUV in the parking lot kept calling me over to his car. I was smoking a cigarette. I could have put it down and gone inside but for some reason I felt stuck there. Memories were coming back to me from high school... from freshman year of high school when this 35 year old man from the internet was in my high school's parking lot next to my minivan telling me to come to his car. I had to wait in the van by myself for a few hours for Adam to finish track practice. I went into the back because I felt like the tinted windows would somehow protect me. Like if he didn't see me I didn't exist. But he'd tell me how he wanted to fuck me on a chair. And he'd tell me how he took some 15 year old girl's virginity. And i wanted my brother to finish track practice. And i was stuck in that god damn minivan pretending that I didn't exist.
Whenever i get stressed I feel frozen. I'm paralyzed and the only movement that helps involves biting my fingers to shreds. my right thumb is completely torn and bloody. a few layers of skin came off. I think the thing in life that frustrates me the most is time.... because time controls everything and it isn't even real. It's a completely man-made system of numbers to measure "seconds" which may or may not exist. Each day could very well not be a new day. One long moment.... i like to think in moments. My favorite part of a novel is the alien chapters of Slaughterhouse Five. the aliens viewed time as one extended moment of existing. Vonnegut knows things that are smarter than numbers.
I keep checking my underwear. I have nervous habits. quirks, rather than twitches. I feel like i'm outside of my body. I feel like something is about to explode and I know it's going to happen but not when.