The Survivor Effect

[gwenivere]

February 15th & 16th my mom, Cari and I went to a TAPS (Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors) seminar in Lansing. It is designed to get survivors of military losses together to not feel so alone.... that's not really a good way to put it .... to talk about topics brought up by a moderator and compare stories and talk to people who may have an

Comments

[gwenivere]

The way that you say it is that I make her report into me everyday. This isn't the case at all. I very rarely know where she is outside of work; whether she's volunteering, grocery shopping, at the movies, or some place else. We barely hang out - she is independent and has a life of her own. But to be concerned for a friend - even if I hadn't had this happen to me - I don't feel is wrong. Yelling at her may have been. But I do also expect that as she is my friend that she would be willing to at least attempt to help reduce the stress that I have over stuff like that. My other option is to be cold and emotionally unattached and not give a shit if something happened to somebody I care about. Either I shut down and don't care about anything or I allow myself to care and my FRIENDS try to understand. That's how I was when I had to deal with multiple deaths over a very short period of time - I just shut down and paid for it later. I'm fighting that all of the time right now. It's easy to push people away. It's easy to avoid things.

I don't really understand your comment of "she's not going anywhere". Death can occur anytime to anyone. And, in all honesty, I don't feel like she's been as supportive as she could be. I don't feel like most of my friends have been. And I really don't know why this is. I know that it's a difficult topic to talk about but more than that, most people are uncomfortable with it and so it's hard for me to bring up. Pete is about the only person that ever brought it up. So much for that outlet as I've pretty much stopped hanging out with him.

As for the loss of a loved one - it's not the same. At all. I have lost grandparents - one that I was very, very close with and it's still not the same. Grandparents are supposed to die. And I know that Michelle would be much more upset at losing Kyle than losing her grandpa. Even though it is sad to lose a grandparent, you are more mentally prepared - especially with a prolonged illness - to accept that death. Having lost a grandparent (having lost all my grandparents) I have already walked that path - and though our situations weren't identical, I am much more familiar with her situation than HOPEFULLY she will ever be with mine. I still miss my grandma but, as I said, it's not the same.

I'm glad that she has you to talk to about it.

[gwenivere]

Your friends haven't been as supportive as they could be because they don't understand. Period. They don't understand how something like this can continue through an entire lifetime, and they don't understand how much support you need. And most of them are not capable of giving the amount of support you need. Dealing with a death is painful for EVERYONE involved, and for those not directly involved, they need a break sometimes. They need to pretend everything's okay so they can function in their own lives. A grieving friend is draining, and very few people are equipped to handle that type of thing. It's why many friendships and relationships deteriorate when one person experiences something catastrophic. Friends and family cannot be faulted for not being supportive enough because they just are not able to handle that amount of pain. They shut down. It's why support groups and TAPS form, because they CAN provide the understanding that grieving people need.

Also, people deal with grief in different ways. Some people need constant support and attention, and some people need nothing but space. It's very hard from a friend standpoint to determine what a grieving person needs. Maybe Michelle is an example of this... maybe her own grieving style is to require space, and maybe she needs to focus on her own life and her own feelings in order to be a better friend to you. She has not lost a sibling, but in the scope of her own experience, she is going through something very painful. Perhaps the most painful thing of her life. Diminishing her grief by saying "it's not the same" would be like Cari telling you your grief isn't as bad as hers because you haven't lost a spouse. It isn't fair, and it doesn't mean that both of you aren't hurting, or that you both don't need love and support.

I don't think Kirsten meant any harm, and she never tried to say that you and Michelle are going through the same thing. She just indicated that you both need a friend right now. Michelle has stuck by you for a long time, and that alone indicates that she's willing to stay for the long haul. She cares about you, as does Kirsten, and lashing out at both of them isn't going to make anything better, no matter how frustrated or angry you are.