The Survivor Effect
February 15th & 16th my mom, Cari and I went to a TAPS (Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors) seminar in Lansing. It is designed to get survivors of military losses together to not feel so alone.... that's not really a good way to put it .... to talk about topics brought up by a moderator and compare stories and talk to people who may have an understanding about what you're going through. Friday night was a meet-and-greet, Saturday morning was group discussion and Saturday afternoon was peer discussion (my mom stayed with other parents, I had to go with other siblings and Cari went with other spouses).
Our story is much different from other stories as he wasn't killed in combat. But parts of our story were the same. The media coverage (which we welcomed - some people hated), the funeral (many had their first introduction to the Patriot Guard Riders just like we did), the differences between a military death and a civilian death. It was a very open discussion room and it helped me to realize some things that I probably hadn't before.
It was good to hear how much other people struggled with some of the same situations that I find myself in a panic about. Such as, not being able to locate a loved one or somebody not calling when they say they will. The actual panic attack that goes along with it. The very real fear that something horrible may have happened to them.
Last week Michelle wasn't home and didn't answer when I called. It was way past any normal time that she would usually be home and I hadn't seen or talked to her all day. I had no idea where she was and was completely convinced that something had happened to her. I called her the next morning and yelled at her which she fairly responded "yes, mom" about me monitoring her where-abouts and I yelled about the fact that I had lost enough people in my life to have a right to be concerned and hung up. We haven't talked since. I literally-physically can't talk to her - it's ridiculous. I instantly go into a panic attack when I have to be near her. She came into the kitchen last night and I thought I was going to get sick because of how my body is reacting. I'm sure she figures I'm being a bitch or childish. It's not Michelle's job to ask me how I'm doing with Alex's loss but because she doesn't, I don't talk to her about it. The last time I did try to talk to her about it, she was watching TV and I just ended up feeling like I was bothering her. I don't want to be close to anybody - it's too difficult - they can easily end up hurting me without even meaning to.
These things are apparently very normal. The difficulty in talking to somebody - even somebody that is/was very close - about the loss because you figure they don't want to hear about it (and some don't). The fear of losing people close to you. It's not always this bad - but some days are certainly harder than others.
Our story is much different from other stories as he wasn't killed in combat. But parts of our story were the same. The media coverage (which we welcomed - some people hated), the funeral (many had their first introduction to the Patriot Guard Riders just like we did), the differences between a military death and a civilian death. It was a very open discussion room and it helped me to realize some things that I probably hadn't before.
It was good to hear how much other people struggled with some of the same situations that I find myself in a panic about. Such as, not being able to locate a loved one or somebody not calling when they say they will. The actual panic attack that goes along with it. The very real fear that something horrible may have happened to them.
Last week Michelle wasn't home and didn't answer when I called. It was way past any normal time that she would usually be home and I hadn't seen or talked to her all day. I had no idea where she was and was completely convinced that something had happened to her. I called her the next morning and yelled at her which she fairly responded "yes, mom" about me monitoring her where-abouts and I yelled about the fact that I had lost enough people in my life to have a right to be concerned and hung up. We haven't talked since. I literally-physically can't talk to her - it's ridiculous. I instantly go into a panic attack when I have to be near her. She came into the kitchen last night and I thought I was going to get sick because of how my body is reacting. I'm sure she figures I'm being a bitch or childish. It's not Michelle's job to ask me how I'm doing with Alex's loss but because she doesn't, I don't talk to her about it. The last time I did try to talk to her about it, she was watching TV and I just ended up feeling like I was bothering her. I don't want to be close to anybody - it's too difficult - they can easily end up hurting me without even meaning to.
These things are apparently very normal. The difficulty in talking to somebody - even somebody that is/was very close - about the loss because you figure they don't want to hear about it (and some don't). The fear of losing people close to you. It's not always this bad - but some days are certainly harder than others.