Emotions...
It has been going on for a couple weeks, inside my head, swirling in my heart. I have spoken with a few friends and a few closer friends. Some have said I do, some have some perhaps I don't and I am convincing myself...but either way, I am trusting my heart on this one. I have dated many men, had fun, and enjoyed it.
I am not the best emotionally-communicative person and I at times act much tougher than what emotions may actually be inside at that time, this situation included. I have had time to analyze why I have felt the way I do and realized that the thought of losing him forever to someone else scares me not because he isn't mine, but because he is my world. I just haven't had enough guts to admit it because I want to remain the "top dog" but I have also learned that love makes people swallow their pride and do things that they normally wouldnt do. After much deliberation on how to say it, how to tell him I wanted to give him space like before, I finally fessed up and said it...
... I am in still in love with my ex fiance.
He has remained my sanity at times and I can't express my appreciation enough. Actually, I never do and he has still remained devoted, dedicated, and determined to hopefully have my being again (Surprise to me as well which was also revealed in the same conversation). Now, the only problem is that I can't expect him to just cut ties with the chick he's now dating some three weeks into it and have us jump back together into things. I am excited, yes...but I am also nervous and not used to feeling so emotionally vunerable right now- then again, love isn't so self-protecting either. I don't know what is going to happen to us but I do know that we are going to face many challenges together, should we decide to get together, including trying to regain both of our families' support. I just think I have matured and also evaluated what caused me to become so bitter so quickly before and it was just that- I don't want to rush marriage and that is what seemed so clingy. Now that I think of everything, Chris was actually very supportive of me going and doing whatever I wanted. I can't think of that many things that I DON'T like about him compared to all the qualities that I actually do want in a partner like him. Wow, I am so stubborn. Almost a year after the fact, I finally pull my head out of my ass... If things don't work out, then I will be heart broken and not suppress the emotions that I did before. I Don't like how I took the feelings I had for Chris last time (still do) and let them turn into anger and spite.
I do however feel much more relieved now that I was able to get all of that off of my chest tonight and let the shit hit the fan...hellooo, 90210!
I am not the best emotionally-communicative person and I at times act much tougher than what emotions may actually be inside at that time, this situation included. I have had time to analyze why I have felt the way I do and realized that the thought of losing him forever to someone else scares me not because he isn't mine, but because he is my world. I just haven't had enough guts to admit it because I want to remain the "top dog" but I have also learned that love makes people swallow their pride and do things that they normally wouldnt do. After much deliberation on how to say it, how to tell him I wanted to give him space like before, I finally fessed up and said it...
... I am in still in love with my ex fiance.
He has remained my sanity at times and I can't express my appreciation enough. Actually, I never do and he has still remained devoted, dedicated, and determined to hopefully have my being again (Surprise to me as well which was also revealed in the same conversation). Now, the only problem is that I can't expect him to just cut ties with the chick he's now dating some three weeks into it and have us jump back together into things. I am excited, yes...but I am also nervous and not used to feeling so emotionally vunerable right now- then again, love isn't so self-protecting either. I don't know what is going to happen to us but I do know that we are going to face many challenges together, should we decide to get together, including trying to regain both of our families' support. I just think I have matured and also evaluated what caused me to become so bitter so quickly before and it was just that- I don't want to rush marriage and that is what seemed so clingy. Now that I think of everything, Chris was actually very supportive of me going and doing whatever I wanted. I can't think of that many things that I DON'T like about him compared to all the qualities that I actually do want in a partner like him. Wow, I am so stubborn. Almost a year after the fact, I finally pull my head out of my ass... If things don't work out, then I will be heart broken and not suppress the emotions that I did before. I Don't like how I took the feelings I had for Chris last time (still do) and let them turn into anger and spite.
I do however feel much more relieved now that I was able to get all of that off of my chest tonight and let the shit hit the fan...hellooo, 90210!