What do you do when you bore yourself?
Momments like these make me hopefull for re-integration of the parts of myself. It is often amusing to sit there and think,....I am so tired of MY shit. Seriously folks,..if we really payed attention to what we said, or thought everyday you would begin to see how terribly one dimmensional your thinking was too. It's droll. I am boring myself.
I have had some seriously important interactions with folks lately. Greatfully, my ears were open and some things that were said were really heard. These may be the key elements i need to understand why it is so difficult for me to make friends, or relate in any way where i come away still feeling like they think abour me positively and I shared something interesting.
Do not get me wrong,..i am not trying to win a popularity contest. I am not pretty enough to do that...but I would like to get to a place where i know what to say, and walk away from a conversation feeling like i contributed and didnt unintentionally step on someones toes with my inability to notice and reguard their boundaries. See,..i just recently reaalized i have and Imp inside me that salivates when approached by someones ill constructed dogma or ungrounded fears. After my imp has its way,..and the person is sputtering and wondering why they told me so much...I often feel bad. I have a gift for pulling out info, packaging it in a new perspective and giving it back to it's ill prepared owner. All with an air of "Here it is, whether ya like it or not" Often i never talk to them again. Im tired of this. I should be more sensitive to others opinions and personal growth.
The thing I am most tired of is my CONSTANT string of mishaps and unhappinesses. There is ALWAYS something sad, or depressing happening. That i of course willingly share because it is just whats going on and when someone asks.."how ya doin?" I answer it honestly. Unfortunately, i am only good at bringing up the bad shit, never the little insights i had. However,..no one is interested in hearing those either. Most people want to hear about a good movie or tv show you saw, or something else similarly superficial. Then again,..i could start actually going out and DOING things. Like Aikido, read poetry, and take the voice classes i have waanted to take for a very long time. I guess that would give me something to talk about. I am just not interested in chit chat. I want conversations abut real human experience.Oh dear,..i want to hear the crap, and ugliness people expereince. In my desire to understand my own,I share mine, and i seek that out in others. Ok,..i see,..yuck. While i am sure it is helpful at times to have someone who really wants to hear it,..it is highly inappropriate. Esspecially when life is so much more then our unhappiness resulting from our attachments and self indulgent suffering. See,...one dimensional thinking in a multidimensional world. Another argument for me to cultivate silence until i can manage to produce something positive and benefical for myself and others from between my lips
Oh right,..complaining, whining, and boo hooing. Check check check,..all right here, all well practiced and awaiting my PHD for all three in the mail. Especially about myself. I am very good at it. I enjoy not only divulging how my life dosent meet my expectations but how i dont either. Oh dear goddess i am getting bored again.
You know whats the worst thing about this (See! where i go AGAIN!) I am not creative enough to find ways out of this cycle or motivste myself to care enough to follow through. (Yawn)
Hmmm,..i wonder,..I wonder whaat would happen if i just accepted it and just made plans to do something different, every week,..something bizzare and arty. During this experiment,..i kept my mouth shut when i wanted to say something negative,..and when ever i think something positive express it right then and there. Kinda like a game. It might even be theraputic to write the negative crap down and burn it when i get home. I could do this for a month,..and see what happens. Interesting,..i think i will. AND! i wil ask people to tell me about really fun or postive things that have happened to them and write them down. To keep or share.
I am suddenly feeling interested in myself again. I think i may try to do one thing a day from the 500 things you can do to entertain yourself for free website. They have some rather amusing things in there, and i have no money.
Awesome,..Ok.
The date is the 11th of March. For one month, i will share fun and positive things. Personal relfections of fluffy bunny goddess love, and storied to warm the cockles of the heart. (suddenly feeling like she is making herself SICK)
goddess help me. This may not be easy.
I have had some seriously important interactions with folks lately. Greatfully, my ears were open and some things that were said were really heard. These may be the key elements i need to understand why it is so difficult for me to make friends, or relate in any way where i come away still feeling like they think abour me positively and I shared something interesting.
Do not get me wrong,..i am not trying to win a popularity contest. I am not pretty enough to do that...but I would like to get to a place where i know what to say, and walk away from a conversation feeling like i contributed and didnt unintentionally step on someones toes with my inability to notice and reguard their boundaries. See,..i just recently reaalized i have and Imp inside me that salivates when approached by someones ill constructed dogma or ungrounded fears. After my imp has its way,..and the person is sputtering and wondering why they told me so much...I often feel bad. I have a gift for pulling out info, packaging it in a new perspective and giving it back to it's ill prepared owner. All with an air of "Here it is, whether ya like it or not" Often i never talk to them again. Im tired of this. I should be more sensitive to others opinions and personal growth.
The thing I am most tired of is my CONSTANT string of mishaps and unhappinesses. There is ALWAYS something sad, or depressing happening. That i of course willingly share because it is just whats going on and when someone asks.."how ya doin?" I answer it honestly. Unfortunately, i am only good at bringing up the bad shit, never the little insights i had. However,..no one is interested in hearing those either. Most people want to hear about a good movie or tv show you saw, or something else similarly superficial. Then again,..i could start actually going out and DOING things. Like Aikido, read poetry, and take the voice classes i have waanted to take for a very long time. I guess that would give me something to talk about. I am just not interested in chit chat. I want conversations abut real human experience.Oh dear,..i want to hear the crap, and ugliness people expereince. In my desire to understand my own,I share mine, and i seek that out in others. Ok,..i see,..yuck. While i am sure it is helpful at times to have someone who really wants to hear it,..it is highly inappropriate. Esspecially when life is so much more then our unhappiness resulting from our attachments and self indulgent suffering. See,...one dimensional thinking in a multidimensional world. Another argument for me to cultivate silence until i can manage to produce something positive and benefical for myself and others from between my lips
Oh right,..complaining, whining, and boo hooing. Check check check,..all right here, all well practiced and awaiting my PHD for all three in the mail. Especially about myself. I am very good at it. I enjoy not only divulging how my life dosent meet my expectations but how i dont either. Oh dear goddess i am getting bored again.
You know whats the worst thing about this (See! where i go AGAIN!) I am not creative enough to find ways out of this cycle or motivste myself to care enough to follow through. (Yawn)
Hmmm,..i wonder,..I wonder whaat would happen if i just accepted it and just made plans to do something different, every week,..something bizzare and arty. During this experiment,..i kept my mouth shut when i wanted to say something negative,..and when ever i think something positive express it right then and there. Kinda like a game. It might even be theraputic to write the negative crap down and burn it when i get home. I could do this for a month,..and see what happens. Interesting,..i think i will. AND! i wil ask people to tell me about really fun or postive things that have happened to them and write them down. To keep or share.
I am suddenly feeling interested in myself again. I think i may try to do one thing a day from the 500 things you can do to entertain yourself for free website. They have some rather amusing things in there, and i have no money.
Awesome,..Ok.
The date is the 11th of March. For one month, i will share fun and positive things. Personal relfections of fluffy bunny goddess love, and storied to warm the cockles of the heart. (suddenly feeling like she is making herself SICK)
goddess help me. This may not be easy.