Freedom is a length of rope...
Dear Ben Edlund:
I hate you. Marry me?
Broken,
me.
Okay, attempting to write that review now. I have a feeling I may end up quoting pretty much the entire episode.
"You know, I've been here for a very long time. I remember many things. I remember being at a shore line, watching a little grey fish heave itself up on the beach, and an older brother saying 'Don't step on that fish, Castiel. Big plans for that fish.' I remember the Tower of Babel, all 34 feet of it, which I suppose was impressive at the time. And when it fell they howled 'Divine wrath!', but come on, dry dung can only be stacked so high. I remember Cain and Abel, David and Goliath, Sodom and Gomorrah. And of course I remember the most remarkable event, remarkable because is never came to pass. It was averted by two boys, and old drunk, and a fallen angel. The grand story. And we ripped up the ending, and the rules and destiny, leaving nothing but freedom and choice. Which is all well and good, except what if I've made the wrong choice. How am I supposed to know... I'm getting ahead of myself. Let me tell you my story. Let me tell you everything."
Such a beautiful beginning. There is so much love in Castiel's voice for all of creation, for everything he has witnessed, for those flawed humans. I could listen to him forever.
I find it remarkable that he refers to himself as a fallen angel here, mainly because he does make it sound like it's a good thing. Which it is in his case. He does not regret anything he did back then. Stopping the Apocalypse was the right thing. Free will is worth fighting for. Castiel still firmly believes in that. But Castiel is still an angel, making his own choices is still new to him. And dealing with the doubts and consequences that are inevitable bound to this freedom, is something he's struggling with, especially when there is no one there to back him up.
Castiel and Dean in the Impala. Castiel is still a terrible liar, Dean still chooses not to see it. And Dean being so supportive all of a sudden, I don't know if I should hug them, cry, or scream at Dean. All season he's been treating Cas like shit, and now? Now, when it's too late? Why couldn't you have asked him how he was earlier? So, so glad you're doing it now. And why can't you two just be honest with each other? Stop lying, both of you. You have the same goals, work together, damnit!
Crowely is an evil bastard doing disgusting things. I love my demon. <3
Crowley is also clearly the smartest player in town. And, almost ironically, he is obviously the only one who understands Castiel and his motives. Castiel wouldn't be half as deep in this mess, if he didn't care that much for the boys. Don't get me wrong, he wouldn't be Cas if he didn't put Dean before everything else, and this is one of the main reasons I love him so much, his devotion and loyalty even now. But it is getting him into trouble. Crowley is right, it is a conflict of interest. One I'm glad for, because it - once more - proves that Castiel is nowhere near going dark side. But one that has me worried too.
"Crowley had a point of course. My interest was conflicted. I still considered myself the Winchester's guardian."
And don't you ever change you're priorities, Cas. <3
"After all, they taught me how to stand up, what to stand for. And what generally happens to you when you do. I was done. I was over. And then the most extraordinary thing happened: I was put back. And we had won. We stopped Armageddon. But at a terrible cost. And so I knew what I had to do next. Once again, I went to harrow hell, to free Sam from Lucifer's cage. It was nearly impossible, but I was so full of confidence, of mission. I see now, that was arrogance. Hubris. Because, of course, I hadn't truly raised Sam, not all of him. Sometimes we're lucky enough to be given a warning. This should have been mine."
First of all: Such a nice touch that the flickering light was Cas, watching the scene invisible to everyone.
And second, let me look at this from a slightly different angle: After they stopped the Apocalypse, and lost Sam, and Dean was broken, Castiel went to hell alone, all the way down into Lucifer's cage and tried to get the younger Winchester back. It didn't work, Sam's soul stayed behind, but Castiel tried. Isn't that better than just doing nothing? Yes, maybe he overestimated himself in the euphoria of their victory. And he definitely should have told Sam, and later Dean when they asked him what was wrong with Sam. But maybe he truly didn't know. Maybe he wasn't sure what went wrong until he tried to touch Sam's soul. He still should have told them that he was the one to raise Sam.
But arrogance? Would you really call it arrogance?
The Winchesters. The only topic, where Castiel won't give in, won't make any compromises. When it comes to their safety, there isn't a hint of hesitation or doubt in Castiel's demeanour. They really are what's keeping him... well, not exactly human, but you know what I mean.
"Just find purgatory. If you don't, we will both die, again and again until the end of time."
This line already had me worried in the preview. I still have no idea what it means. I do know that it's scaring me.
Dean defending Cas is breaking my heart. He just refuses to believe that Castiel would ever lie to him or work with a demon, even when deep down he already knows the truth. I just wish he'd remember that when they are lying to him later, and that every single one of them has worked with Crowley on several occasions. I'm wondering if Sam actually means that he'd die for Cas, or if it's just a phrase. I don't really believe him here, sorry. He does consider Cas a friend, but not one he'd die for. I think he's just saying this because he knows that Dean feels that strongly about the angel.
"So, they already suspected. And the worst part was... Dean, trying so hard to be loyal with every instinct telling him otherwise."
I think that was the scene when I lost it the first time watching. That look Castiel gives Dean, full of love, and regret and hurt. Not hurt because Dean is lying to him. He understands that. He knows why Dean does it, and it's okay. He is hurt because he has to betray Dean, and he hates it. He hates to know how disappointed Dean will be when he finds out. Castiel looks like he just wants to reach out to Dean in that scene. Reach out, and touch him, and ask him for forgiveness. But he can't. He can't turn back.
"If there was a demon counterpart to Bobby Singer, Ellsworth would be it. These demons would lead the Winchesters to Crowley, and Crowley would tear their hearts out. I had no choice. I did it to protect the boys. Or to protect myself. I don't know any more."
Just on a little side note: Ellsworth being the demons' Bobby was a little over the top if you ask me. Particularly with the two demons in Sam and Dean outfits. The goblets where pretty funny, though.
Castiel should get all smiting more often, it suits him. I also like that he calls the Winchesters and Bobby boys. We aren't reminded often enough how much older he is than they are.
That being said, Castiel did do this mainly to protect himself. And I'm glad he is at least somewhat aware of that. I just have the episode on pause to write, and Castiel is so pretty in his doubt. It's beautiful and so, so sad at the same time. It has been hinted before, but this scene is the first time you can really see that he's losing himself.
"Hiding. Lying. Sweeping away evidence. My motives used to be so pure. After supposedly saving Sam, I finally returned to Heaven. Of course, there isn't one Heaven. Each soul generates its own paradise. I favour the eternal Tuesday afternoon of an autistic man who drowned in the bathtub in 1953."
Funny how your perception of something can change, depending on who shows it to you. In Dark Side of the Moon, Heaven looked like a rather depressing place. Everyone on their own, alone, in an eternal repetition of one place you choose. Now that Castiel describes it, it actually sounds beautiful. Peaceful. I can also see why Castiel chose this particular Heaven as his favourite. It is so very much him.
Rachel. So we do see her again. I was hoping she'd be in this episode. When we met her in Frontierland, I didn't really care about her either way, but now I like her. Welcoming Castiel back home, willing to listen to him, loyal, devoted. Makes seeing Castiel having to kill her sting in retrospect. Couldn't she have trusted him, like she trusts him here?
Castiel looks so happy and hopeful. He is smiling! Actually smiling. Warm, and honest. He really thought that things would be okay now.
It was God, wasn't it?" - "No, it was the Winchesters."
So proud. So sure that everything they did was the right thing. So sure of who he is, and of the right path. And then his little speech, about how he isn't their leader, about freedom, and choices. He's bringing them a gift, but doesn't realise that they haven't been through what he has been through. That they won't know what to do with it. Sometimes Castiel is so naive, believing that he can bring free will to Heaven, without bringing the suffering of doubt and consequences too.
"God want you to have freedom." - "But what does he want us to do with it?"
"If I knew then what I know now I might have said: It's simple. Freedom is a length of rope. God wants you to hang yourself with it."
So bitter now, so disappointed, all the hope just gone. Lost in a war that Castiel never wanted to fight. Everything that looked so promising to him has turned so bad. And still he believes in free will. Still he believes that it is worth all this. He doesn't know if his path is the right one, but he has no doubt that his goal is. Even if freedom is a bitch, and even if it kills you, it is worth hanging onto.
"Those first weeks back in Heaven were surprisingly difficult. Explaining freedom to angels is a bit like teaching poetry to fish. And then there was Raphael."
I like their little exchange on who deserves to go to Heaven. It's like angel small talk. I also like Castiel's "You never look like you're joking."
Raphael. I want to punch him the face, this self-centred, arrogant excuse for an archangel. He's the only big guy left in Heaven, so he believes he can run the place now whichever way he likes. Castiel rebelled against him. The Apocalypse back on track is what he wants. Daddy is out of town, and Raphael acts like he's God now. How could Castiel ever have bowed to that? It goes against everything he believes in, and when he first stands up to Raphael, it's incredibly brave and incredibly stupid. And his only choice.
"I'm not ashamed to say that my big brother knocked me into next week."
This is the point where Castiel fully realises that he doesn't stand a chance against Raphael. New and improved as he is, Raphael is still an archangel, and Castiel finds himself in an impossible place. Kneel before Raphael, which he will never do. Or die, and still leave the fate of the world in Raphael's hands. His only choices are either to pretend to bow and then betray Raphael, which is something I think Castiel wouldn't even come up with on his own. Or openly go to war with him, where he doesn't stand a chance.
At Ellsworth's hide out, Dean finally, finally fully acknowledges what Cas did for him, for them. Let's call Cas. Let's call Cas because he is our friend and we trust him. And Cas stands there, invisible to the human eye, and watches them, and sees how Dean stands up for him, and puts his trust in him. And it could be so beautiful if it weren't so cruel.
"But I didn't go to them, because I knew they would have questions I couldn't answer. Because I was afraid."
Afraid, that does stand out when it's coming from an angel. Not afraid of any threat to his life, afraid of what will happen if Dean finds out, afraid of what it'll do to him and their friendship.
"Crowley sent his very best. I was caught as much by surprise as the rest of them. And it left me with yet another choice. I could reveal myself and smite the demons. Of course Crowley wouldn't like it. On the other hand, they were my friends. For a brief moment, I was me again."
There are so many lines in that episode, that feel like a dagger through my heart. That last sentence is another one of those. It somewhat reflects back on Rachel's "What are you turning into". It's not a big change from angel to demon, or from good to evil. It's way more subtle than that. There aren't that many moments any more when Castiel is confident in his actions, when he is presented with a choice, and one path is clearly the right one, instead of one being the lesser of two evils.
So Castiel saves the boys, and Dean instantly jumps at the "proof" of Castiel's loyalty. Relief is written all over his face, and Castie can hardly look at any of them.
"Wonders never cease. They trusted me again, but it was just another lie."
But then comes the stupid lapse, where Castiel gives it all away with a pop culture reference he probably doesn't even understand. Remember when Bobby said that Castiel doesn't make mistakes like that unless he means too? I think the same holds here. He wants to get caught. Not consciously, but I believe that Castiel can't take lying to his friends any more, but he can't tell them the truth either. So he let's them find out, and isn't even aware of it. His smile to Dean is sad. One last smile, while they are still friends.
He also says his own name here, just like he said he was an angel last week, like he needs to remind himself of who he is. Like he might forget otherwise.
"Of course, I didn't realise it at the time, but it was all over. Right then. Just like that.
Seemingly back in the boys' good graces, the first thing Castiel does is stand up to Crowley, and tell him that the Winchesters are off limits. No compromises. I wish Dean could see that. I wish Dean could see the whole story like we do. Maybe he would understand then.
Crowley is right, as long as Dean (and Sam and Bobby) still see him as the good, righteous, infallible angel, he can tell himself that it's true. But that's not the main point. The main point is that Cas cares about Dean more than he cares about anyone or anything else. And he won't let anything happen to him or Sam. This is the one thing he would never be able to forgive himself. And if he has to doom himself, the world and everyone in it to keep them safe, then that's what he'll do. On the one hand, that puts him in a very dangerous, complicated situation. On the other hand, it keeps him far, far away from evil.
"I'm still an angel." There is is again, reminding Crowley and himself of who and what he is, so he doesn't forget, doesn't get lost entirely.
"I asked myself, what was I doing with this vermin. As if I didn't already know the answer. Raphael was stronger than me. I wouldn't survive a straight fight. So I went to an old friend for help. But watching him, I stopped. Everything he sacrificed, and I was about to ask him for more."
Cas was never good at asking for help. He should have here, but he couldn't. His love for Dean, and his urge to keep Dean safe, kept him from doing the right thing. And that is just... tragic doesn't even cover it. I don't see how Dean could have helped in that situation, I really don't. But Cas should have gone to him. That's really the only thing I can blame our angel for. And I can't really blame him for trying to keep Dean out of this.
"I was no fool. I knew who Crowley was and what he did, but I was smarter than him. Stronger. I see now that I was prideful. In all likelihood, I was a fool."
Of course, Crowley is there the moment he sees a possible gain for himself. Persuasive bastard that he is. Crowley does have good arguments too. If they divide the souls they get from Purgatory, and Cas goes to "rule" Heaven, while Crowley gets to rule Hell, they achieve a new balance. Win/win situation. All of Crowley's talk about the difference between Castiel and Lucifer, because Cas loves God and God loves him, and about the devil you know, that all has occurred to me before, when we learned that Castiel had a deal with Crowley. Apart from the torturing, and whatever exactly it is they do with the souls - I'm still worried about that - this is a plan I can absolutely get behind. Obviously, Crowley is a demon and you can't trust him, but we know that he likes the world the way it is, and having Crowley as the ruler of Hell is still - sorry for the pun - hell of a lot better than having any other demon. Crowley and Cas are pretty much in the same situation, in Heaven and Hell. It's a strange and very dangerous alliance, sure, but you have to admit that it does make sense for them to work together.
Did anyone else notice that Crowley talks a lot about God and God's plan for a demon? How does a demon understand so much about that kind of thing.
On another side note: How perfect is Crowley's hell? The apathy, the hopelessness, the pointlessness. Brilliant.
"I wish I could say that I was clean of pride at that moment. Or the next. And so went the long road of good intentions. The road that brought me here."
And then it's the Winchesters who betray Castiel. They lie to him, they betray him, and every single one of them has worked with Crowley at some point. And that's why this makes me so angry. Yes, Castiel did some shady things, but so did the boys. So how can they stand there all righteous and unforgiving? They are such hypocrites!
Dean looks and sounds so hurt, and I'm sorry he has to find out like this, but Cas still deserves a chance to explain, at the very least. Especially, when he's standing there, pleading and desperate, trying to make them understand. But the boys won't listen to him, they just keep shooting more and more accusations his way. Why did he keep it secret? Maybe because he knew how Dean would react. And they don't go around making another deal with the devil? Exactly another one. Making deals to protect the people you love? That has kinda been the Winchester way for years, hasn't it? So how can Dean stand there, and condemn Cas like that, like he has the moral high ground?
"It sounds so simple when you say it like that. Where were you when I needed to hear it?"
That's actual tears in Castiel's eyes. Oh, Cas!
And no, Dean, you were not right there. You bossed Castiel around, called him only when you needed him, and generally acted like your problems were so much more important than his. Okay, yes, that was later, when Cas already had made his deal with Crowley, but why should Dean have acted any different before?
"It's not too late. Damnit Cas, we can fix this!" - "Dean, it's not broken!"
So, on some level Cas still does believe he made the right choice. Or the only possible choice. As do I. Again, he probably should have told Dean, but there wasn't anything Dean could have done. This mess, there was never any real way out.
And still, Castiel's main concern is keeping the boys safe. He tells them to run. I literally screamed at Dean to not just leave Cas behind in that ring of holy fire he can't escape. And Dean does hesitates. Looks back at Cas, who looks at him. And this is what gives me hope. The reason why their relationship is so messed up right now is because they both care so deeply. And that has to be worth something in the end, doesn't it?
The new God and the new Devil working together. Interesting view on the situation, Crowley.
I also have a very bad feeling that Crowley will end up using Castiel's love for the boys against him.
Faulty angel proofing, you guys are so lost without Cas.
Dean is not concerned in the least when Castiel turns up. He does still trust him on a personal level, meaning he knows that Castiel would never harm him. The old connection is there in that scene, somewhere buried beyond the pain and feeling of betrayal, but it is there.
"Next to Sam, you and Bobby are the closest things I have to family. You are like a brother to me, so if I'm asking you not to do something, you got to trust me, man."
Why only now Dean, why did it take you so long to say these things to Cas? And if he's like a brother to you, why can't you trust him?
And then it really falls apart, and Dean basically threatens Cas that he will hunt him down. Don't, both of you, please. Don't shut down! Don't give up on each other.
"So, that's everything. I believe it's what you call... tragedy, from the human perspective. But maybe the human perspective is limited, I don't know. That's why I'm asking you, father, one last time, am I doing the right thing? Am I on the right path? You have to tell me, you have to give me a sign. Give me a sign! Because if you don't, I'm gonna... I'm gonna do whatever I must."
Whatever he must to what? Win the war? Or keep Dean safe?
Either way, free will, Castiel. Maybe there is no "right" path. Maybe there is just the path you choose, with all the consequences, good and bad. And whichever path it is you choose, I will follow you. *hugs tight*
SPOILER FOR THE TEASER AHEAD (highlight to read):
"Are you with me, or not?"
Oh god, please tell me they're not breaking Castiel/Balthazar too. Bal is standing next to Cas in the next scene, so he chose to be at Castiel's side to the very end, right? I need Balthazar to be there for Castiel now. Please!
And that last scene? Whose grace is that? Castiel's? Balthazar's? Raphael's? And is it someone dying? Or Falling? Or just using their powers? Or all of the above?
END OF SPOILER
Two weeks? Really? I'm so glad I'll have the con to distract me.
I hate you. Marry me?
Broken,
me.
Okay, attempting to write that review now. I have a feeling I may end up quoting pretty much the entire episode.
"You know, I've been here for a very long time. I remember many things. I remember being at a shore line, watching a little grey fish heave itself up on the beach, and an older brother saying 'Don't step on that fish, Castiel. Big plans for that fish.' I remember the Tower of Babel, all 34 feet of it, which I suppose was impressive at the time. And when it fell they howled 'Divine wrath!', but come on, dry dung can only be stacked so high. I remember Cain and Abel, David and Goliath, Sodom and Gomorrah. And of course I remember the most remarkable event, remarkable because is never came to pass. It was averted by two boys, and old drunk, and a fallen angel. The grand story. And we ripped up the ending, and the rules and destiny, leaving nothing but freedom and choice. Which is all well and good, except what if I've made the wrong choice. How am I supposed to know... I'm getting ahead of myself. Let me tell you my story. Let me tell you everything."
Such a beautiful beginning. There is so much love in Castiel's voice for all of creation, for everything he has witnessed, for those flawed humans. I could listen to him forever.
I find it remarkable that he refers to himself as a fallen angel here, mainly because he does make it sound like it's a good thing. Which it is in his case. He does not regret anything he did back then. Stopping the Apocalypse was the right thing. Free will is worth fighting for. Castiel still firmly believes in that. But Castiel is still an angel, making his own choices is still new to him. And dealing with the doubts and consequences that are inevitable bound to this freedom, is something he's struggling with, especially when there is no one there to back him up.
Castiel and Dean in the Impala. Castiel is still a terrible liar, Dean still chooses not to see it. And Dean being so supportive all of a sudden, I don't know if I should hug them, cry, or scream at Dean. All season he's been treating Cas like shit, and now? Now, when it's too late? Why couldn't you have asked him how he was earlier? So, so glad you're doing it now. And why can't you two just be honest with each other? Stop lying, both of you. You have the same goals, work together, damnit!
Crowely is an evil bastard doing disgusting things. I love my demon. <3
Crowley is also clearly the smartest player in town. And, almost ironically, he is obviously the only one who understands Castiel and his motives. Castiel wouldn't be half as deep in this mess, if he didn't care that much for the boys. Don't get me wrong, he wouldn't be Cas if he didn't put Dean before everything else, and this is one of the main reasons I love him so much, his devotion and loyalty even now. But it is getting him into trouble. Crowley is right, it is a conflict of interest. One I'm glad for, because it - once more - proves that Castiel is nowhere near going dark side. But one that has me worried too.
"Crowley had a point of course. My interest was conflicted. I still considered myself the Winchester's guardian."
And don't you ever change you're priorities, Cas. <3
"After all, they taught me how to stand up, what to stand for. And what generally happens to you when you do. I was done. I was over. And then the most extraordinary thing happened: I was put back. And we had won. We stopped Armageddon. But at a terrible cost. And so I knew what I had to do next. Once again, I went to harrow hell, to free Sam from Lucifer's cage. It was nearly impossible, but I was so full of confidence, of mission. I see now, that was arrogance. Hubris. Because, of course, I hadn't truly raised Sam, not all of him. Sometimes we're lucky enough to be given a warning. This should have been mine."
First of all: Such a nice touch that the flickering light was Cas, watching the scene invisible to everyone.
And second, let me look at this from a slightly different angle: After they stopped the Apocalypse, and lost Sam, and Dean was broken, Castiel went to hell alone, all the way down into Lucifer's cage and tried to get the younger Winchester back. It didn't work, Sam's soul stayed behind, but Castiel tried. Isn't that better than just doing nothing? Yes, maybe he overestimated himself in the euphoria of their victory. And he definitely should have told Sam, and later Dean when they asked him what was wrong with Sam. But maybe he truly didn't know. Maybe he wasn't sure what went wrong until he tried to touch Sam's soul. He still should have told them that he was the one to raise Sam.
But arrogance? Would you really call it arrogance?
The Winchesters. The only topic, where Castiel won't give in, won't make any compromises. When it comes to their safety, there isn't a hint of hesitation or doubt in Castiel's demeanour. They really are what's keeping him... well, not exactly human, but you know what I mean.
"Just find purgatory. If you don't, we will both die, again and again until the end of time."
This line already had me worried in the preview. I still have no idea what it means. I do know that it's scaring me.
Dean defending Cas is breaking my heart. He just refuses to believe that Castiel would ever lie to him or work with a demon, even when deep down he already knows the truth. I just wish he'd remember that when they are lying to him later, and that every single one of them has worked with Crowley on several occasions. I'm wondering if Sam actually means that he'd die for Cas, or if it's just a phrase. I don't really believe him here, sorry. He does consider Cas a friend, but not one he'd die for. I think he's just saying this because he knows that Dean feels that strongly about the angel.
"So, they already suspected. And the worst part was... Dean, trying so hard to be loyal with every instinct telling him otherwise."
I think that was the scene when I lost it the first time watching. That look Castiel gives Dean, full of love, and regret and hurt. Not hurt because Dean is lying to him. He understands that. He knows why Dean does it, and it's okay. He is hurt because he has to betray Dean, and he hates it. He hates to know how disappointed Dean will be when he finds out. Castiel looks like he just wants to reach out to Dean in that scene. Reach out, and touch him, and ask him for forgiveness. But he can't. He can't turn back.
"If there was a demon counterpart to Bobby Singer, Ellsworth would be it. These demons would lead the Winchesters to Crowley, and Crowley would tear their hearts out. I had no choice. I did it to protect the boys. Or to protect myself. I don't know any more."
Just on a little side note: Ellsworth being the demons' Bobby was a little over the top if you ask me. Particularly with the two demons in Sam and Dean outfits. The goblets where pretty funny, though.
Castiel should get all smiting more often, it suits him. I also like that he calls the Winchesters and Bobby boys. We aren't reminded often enough how much older he is than they are.
That being said, Castiel did do this mainly to protect himself. And I'm glad he is at least somewhat aware of that. I just have the episode on pause to write, and Castiel is so pretty in his doubt. It's beautiful and so, so sad at the same time. It has been hinted before, but this scene is the first time you can really see that he's losing himself.
"Hiding. Lying. Sweeping away evidence. My motives used to be so pure. After supposedly saving Sam, I finally returned to Heaven. Of course, there isn't one Heaven. Each soul generates its own paradise. I favour the eternal Tuesday afternoon of an autistic man who drowned in the bathtub in 1953."
Funny how your perception of something can change, depending on who shows it to you. In Dark Side of the Moon, Heaven looked like a rather depressing place. Everyone on their own, alone, in an eternal repetition of one place you choose. Now that Castiel describes it, it actually sounds beautiful. Peaceful. I can also see why Castiel chose this particular Heaven as his favourite. It is so very much him.
Rachel. So we do see her again. I was hoping she'd be in this episode. When we met her in Frontierland, I didn't really care about her either way, but now I like her. Welcoming Castiel back home, willing to listen to him, loyal, devoted. Makes seeing Castiel having to kill her sting in retrospect. Couldn't she have trusted him, like she trusts him here?
Castiel looks so happy and hopeful. He is smiling! Actually smiling. Warm, and honest. He really thought that things would be okay now.
It was God, wasn't it?" - "No, it was the Winchesters."
So proud. So sure that everything they did was the right thing. So sure of who he is, and of the right path. And then his little speech, about how he isn't their leader, about freedom, and choices. He's bringing them a gift, but doesn't realise that they haven't been through what he has been through. That they won't know what to do with it. Sometimes Castiel is so naive, believing that he can bring free will to Heaven, without bringing the suffering of doubt and consequences too.
"God want you to have freedom." - "But what does he want us to do with it?"
"If I knew then what I know now I might have said: It's simple. Freedom is a length of rope. God wants you to hang yourself with it."
So bitter now, so disappointed, all the hope just gone. Lost in a war that Castiel never wanted to fight. Everything that looked so promising to him has turned so bad. And still he believes in free will. Still he believes that it is worth all this. He doesn't know if his path is the right one, but he has no doubt that his goal is. Even if freedom is a bitch, and even if it kills you, it is worth hanging onto.
"Those first weeks back in Heaven were surprisingly difficult. Explaining freedom to angels is a bit like teaching poetry to fish. And then there was Raphael."
I like their little exchange on who deserves to go to Heaven. It's like angel small talk. I also like Castiel's "You never look like you're joking."
Raphael. I want to punch him the face, this self-centred, arrogant excuse for an archangel. He's the only big guy left in Heaven, so he believes he can run the place now whichever way he likes. Castiel rebelled against him. The Apocalypse back on track is what he wants. Daddy is out of town, and Raphael acts like he's God now. How could Castiel ever have bowed to that? It goes against everything he believes in, and when he first stands up to Raphael, it's incredibly brave and incredibly stupid. And his only choice.
"I'm not ashamed to say that my big brother knocked me into next week."
This is the point where Castiel fully realises that he doesn't stand a chance against Raphael. New and improved as he is, Raphael is still an archangel, and Castiel finds himself in an impossible place. Kneel before Raphael, which he will never do. Or die, and still leave the fate of the world in Raphael's hands. His only choices are either to pretend to bow and then betray Raphael, which is something I think Castiel wouldn't even come up with on his own. Or openly go to war with him, where he doesn't stand a chance.
At Ellsworth's hide out, Dean finally, finally fully acknowledges what Cas did for him, for them. Let's call Cas. Let's call Cas because he is our friend and we trust him. And Cas stands there, invisible to the human eye, and watches them, and sees how Dean stands up for him, and puts his trust in him. And it could be so beautiful if it weren't so cruel.
"But I didn't go to them, because I knew they would have questions I couldn't answer. Because I was afraid."
Afraid, that does stand out when it's coming from an angel. Not afraid of any threat to his life, afraid of what will happen if Dean finds out, afraid of what it'll do to him and their friendship.
"Crowley sent his very best. I was caught as much by surprise as the rest of them. And it left me with yet another choice. I could reveal myself and smite the demons. Of course Crowley wouldn't like it. On the other hand, they were my friends. For a brief moment, I was me again."
There are so many lines in that episode, that feel like a dagger through my heart. That last sentence is another one of those. It somewhat reflects back on Rachel's "What are you turning into". It's not a big change from angel to demon, or from good to evil. It's way more subtle than that. There aren't that many moments any more when Castiel is confident in his actions, when he is presented with a choice, and one path is clearly the right one, instead of one being the lesser of two evils.
So Castiel saves the boys, and Dean instantly jumps at the "proof" of Castiel's loyalty. Relief is written all over his face, and Castie can hardly look at any of them.
"Wonders never cease. They trusted me again, but it was just another lie."
But then comes the stupid lapse, where Castiel gives it all away with a pop culture reference he probably doesn't even understand. Remember when Bobby said that Castiel doesn't make mistakes like that unless he means too? I think the same holds here. He wants to get caught. Not consciously, but I believe that Castiel can't take lying to his friends any more, but he can't tell them the truth either. So he let's them find out, and isn't even aware of it. His smile to Dean is sad. One last smile, while they are still friends.
He also says his own name here, just like he said he was an angel last week, like he needs to remind himself of who he is. Like he might forget otherwise.
"Of course, I didn't realise it at the time, but it was all over. Right then. Just like that.
Seemingly back in the boys' good graces, the first thing Castiel does is stand up to Crowley, and tell him that the Winchesters are off limits. No compromises. I wish Dean could see that. I wish Dean could see the whole story like we do. Maybe he would understand then.
Crowley is right, as long as Dean (and Sam and Bobby) still see him as the good, righteous, infallible angel, he can tell himself that it's true. But that's not the main point. The main point is that Cas cares about Dean more than he cares about anyone or anything else. And he won't let anything happen to him or Sam. This is the one thing he would never be able to forgive himself. And if he has to doom himself, the world and everyone in it to keep them safe, then that's what he'll do. On the one hand, that puts him in a very dangerous, complicated situation. On the other hand, it keeps him far, far away from evil.
"I'm still an angel." There is is again, reminding Crowley and himself of who and what he is, so he doesn't forget, doesn't get lost entirely.
"I asked myself, what was I doing with this vermin. As if I didn't already know the answer. Raphael was stronger than me. I wouldn't survive a straight fight. So I went to an old friend for help. But watching him, I stopped. Everything he sacrificed, and I was about to ask him for more."
Cas was never good at asking for help. He should have here, but he couldn't. His love for Dean, and his urge to keep Dean safe, kept him from doing the right thing. And that is just... tragic doesn't even cover it. I don't see how Dean could have helped in that situation, I really don't. But Cas should have gone to him. That's really the only thing I can blame our angel for. And I can't really blame him for trying to keep Dean out of this.
"I was no fool. I knew who Crowley was and what he did, but I was smarter than him. Stronger. I see now that I was prideful. In all likelihood, I was a fool."
Of course, Crowley is there the moment he sees a possible gain for himself. Persuasive bastard that he is. Crowley does have good arguments too. If they divide the souls they get from Purgatory, and Cas goes to "rule" Heaven, while Crowley gets to rule Hell, they achieve a new balance. Win/win situation. All of Crowley's talk about the difference between Castiel and Lucifer, because Cas loves God and God loves him, and about the devil you know, that all has occurred to me before, when we learned that Castiel had a deal with Crowley. Apart from the torturing, and whatever exactly it is they do with the souls - I'm still worried about that - this is a plan I can absolutely get behind. Obviously, Crowley is a demon and you can't trust him, but we know that he likes the world the way it is, and having Crowley as the ruler of Hell is still - sorry for the pun - hell of a lot better than having any other demon. Crowley and Cas are pretty much in the same situation, in Heaven and Hell. It's a strange and very dangerous alliance, sure, but you have to admit that it does make sense for them to work together.
Did anyone else notice that Crowley talks a lot about God and God's plan for a demon? How does a demon understand so much about that kind of thing.
On another side note: How perfect is Crowley's hell? The apathy, the hopelessness, the pointlessness. Brilliant.
"I wish I could say that I was clean of pride at that moment. Or the next. And so went the long road of good intentions. The road that brought me here."
And then it's the Winchesters who betray Castiel. They lie to him, they betray him, and every single one of them has worked with Crowley at some point. And that's why this makes me so angry. Yes, Castiel did some shady things, but so did the boys. So how can they stand there all righteous and unforgiving? They are such hypocrites!
Dean looks and sounds so hurt, and I'm sorry he has to find out like this, but Cas still deserves a chance to explain, at the very least. Especially, when he's standing there, pleading and desperate, trying to make them understand. But the boys won't listen to him, they just keep shooting more and more accusations his way. Why did he keep it secret? Maybe because he knew how Dean would react. And they don't go around making another deal with the devil? Exactly another one. Making deals to protect the people you love? That has kinda been the Winchester way for years, hasn't it? So how can Dean stand there, and condemn Cas like that, like he has the moral high ground?
"It sounds so simple when you say it like that. Where were you when I needed to hear it?"
That's actual tears in Castiel's eyes. Oh, Cas!
And no, Dean, you were not right there. You bossed Castiel around, called him only when you needed him, and generally acted like your problems were so much more important than his. Okay, yes, that was later, when Cas already had made his deal with Crowley, but why should Dean have acted any different before?
"It's not too late. Damnit Cas, we can fix this!" - "Dean, it's not broken!"
So, on some level Cas still does believe he made the right choice. Or the only possible choice. As do I. Again, he probably should have told Dean, but there wasn't anything Dean could have done. This mess, there was never any real way out.
And still, Castiel's main concern is keeping the boys safe. He tells them to run. I literally screamed at Dean to not just leave Cas behind in that ring of holy fire he can't escape. And Dean does hesitates. Looks back at Cas, who looks at him. And this is what gives me hope. The reason why their relationship is so messed up right now is because they both care so deeply. And that has to be worth something in the end, doesn't it?
The new God and the new Devil working together. Interesting view on the situation, Crowley.
I also have a very bad feeling that Crowley will end up using Castiel's love for the boys against him.
Faulty angel proofing, you guys are so lost without Cas.
Dean is not concerned in the least when Castiel turns up. He does still trust him on a personal level, meaning he knows that Castiel would never harm him. The old connection is there in that scene, somewhere buried beyond the pain and feeling of betrayal, but it is there.
"Next to Sam, you and Bobby are the closest things I have to family. You are like a brother to me, so if I'm asking you not to do something, you got to trust me, man."
Why only now Dean, why did it take you so long to say these things to Cas? And if he's like a brother to you, why can't you trust him?
And then it really falls apart, and Dean basically threatens Cas that he will hunt him down. Don't, both of you, please. Don't shut down! Don't give up on each other.
"So, that's everything. I believe it's what you call... tragedy, from the human perspective. But maybe the human perspective is limited, I don't know. That's why I'm asking you, father, one last time, am I doing the right thing? Am I on the right path? You have to tell me, you have to give me a sign. Give me a sign! Because if you don't, I'm gonna... I'm gonna do whatever I must."
Whatever he must to what? Win the war? Or keep Dean safe?
Either way, free will, Castiel. Maybe there is no "right" path. Maybe there is just the path you choose, with all the consequences, good and bad. And whichever path it is you choose, I will follow you. *hugs tight*
SPOILER FOR THE TEASER AHEAD (highlight to read):
"Are you with me, or not?"
Oh god, please tell me they're not breaking Castiel/Balthazar too. Bal is standing next to Cas in the next scene, so he chose to be at Castiel's side to the very end, right? I need Balthazar to be there for Castiel now. Please!
And that last scene? Whose grace is that? Castiel's? Balthazar's? Raphael's? And is it someone dying? Or Falling? Or just using their powers? Or all of the above?
END OF SPOILER
Two weeks? Really? I'm so glad I'll have the con to distract me.