DRAFT
Drinking cannot be normal to me. It continues to seem to be in the realm of the experienced. It is like wearing suits, or a variety of different clothes too tedious to try listing. Each time I hold it to my mouth, the smell of alcohol alone speeds my heartbeat, and I think, this is it, I'm taking a drink, I'm diving into it.
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My father didn't want to me drink coffee or lift weights because they would stunt my growth, he said. He told me once that we would go work out one day when I'm 18. It never came through, and I would not want to go now anyway. He also told me that the bump of bone sticking out near my wrist meant I would be strong when I grow up. That was never fulfilled. At one point I told my friends that and they said it was stupid. My dad tells me he doesn't remember telling me that.
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I had seen him using the webcam once but he never told me who. It was unfair to me, because he would always ask me who I was talking to or what I was doing. A lot of things seemed more and more unfair as I grew older. My parents tried to tell me that I had everything, and it made me feel guilty at first but I've grown out of it. I don't think it's thankless to talk about relative deprivation.
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A while ago I had an idea, that there was no such thing as a "bad crowd" to mingle with and become part of. My idea was that as people grow up they seek the environment that suits the person they've come to be, even if it means that they become involved with these things. I don't have such an extreme stance anymore. Children are easily influenced. My father kept telling me to beware of people on the internet who would brainwash you. I'm not sure what to think about it anymore.
There are times I felt that he thought he was the one who knew and has experienced. Sometimes it even felt as if I was the naive performer, bound to foolish exposure of his own lack of agency, and he was the audience with a knowledge of how things should unfold, taking pleasure of the dramatic irony and futility and fatalism of being.
One time I was sitting to him next to church, and he had that knowing smile after a girl in my class passed by during communion. He thought I had been aroused and was thinking about her in church. He tried to laugh discreetly and when I asked him what it was, he told me it was nothing. I think he was looking at my pants though, and he must have thought I had an erection. In reality it was the folds of my pants. I think this set off my aversion to the corduroy pants my parents gave me. I started to wear them less and eventually stopped.
Another me was when I was when my dad walked in on me in my room, where I took my hand out of my pants and closed a window on the computer. He didn't believe me when I went back into the history and went to the man spinning in a chair, from the editorials (?) or Ebaum's World. And the hand in my pants? It definitely wasn't because of anything on the computer. At that age, I had never even searched for anything vaguely naughty. (Hey, I used to enjoy reading my unabridged dictionary....) To be honest, I did have an anticipation of something worth looking at... of course the man in the chair or any of the other videos did nothing for that. Later on he moved the computer outside where it was visible to everyone.
Another time is when he told me teenagers felt as if they were invincible. I don't know if he was trying to prevent something he thought was likely to happen, or maybe if it was a warning to me. I can't recall a time in which I felt invincible.
-
My father didn't want to me drink coffee or lift weights because they would stunt my growth, he said. He told me once that we would go work out one day when I'm 18. It never came through, and I would not want to go now anyway. He also told me that the bump of bone sticking out near my wrist meant I would be strong when I grow up. That was never fulfilled. At one point I told my friends that and they said it was stupid. My dad tells me he doesn't remember telling me that.
-
I had seen him using the webcam once but he never told me who. It was unfair to me, because he would always ask me who I was talking to or what I was doing. A lot of things seemed more and more unfair as I grew older. My parents tried to tell me that I had everything, and it made me feel guilty at first but I've grown out of it. I don't think it's thankless to talk about relative deprivation.
-
A while ago I had an idea, that there was no such thing as a "bad crowd" to mingle with and become part of. My idea was that as people grow up they seek the environment that suits the person they've come to be, even if it means that they become involved with these things. I don't have such an extreme stance anymore. Children are easily influenced. My father kept telling me to beware of people on the internet who would brainwash you. I'm not sure what to think about it anymore.
There are times I felt that he thought he was the one who knew and has experienced. Sometimes it even felt as if I was the naive performer, bound to foolish exposure of his own lack of agency, and he was the audience with a knowledge of how things should unfold, taking pleasure of the dramatic irony and futility and fatalism of being.
One time I was sitting to him next to church, and he had that knowing smile after a girl in my class passed by during communion. He thought I had been aroused and was thinking about her in church. He tried to laugh discreetly and when I asked him what it was, he told me it was nothing. I think he was looking at my pants though, and he must have thought I had an erection. In reality it was the folds of my pants. I think this set off my aversion to the corduroy pants my parents gave me. I started to wear them less and eventually stopped.
Another me was when I was when my dad walked in on me in my room, where I took my hand out of my pants and closed a window on the computer. He didn't believe me when I went back into the history and went to the man spinning in a chair, from the editorials (?) or Ebaum's World. And the hand in my pants? It definitely wasn't because of anything on the computer. At that age, I had never even searched for anything vaguely naughty. (Hey, I used to enjoy reading my unabridged dictionary....) To be honest, I did have an anticipation of something worth looking at... of course the man in the chair or any of the other videos did nothing for that. Later on he moved the computer outside where it was visible to everyone.
Another time is when he told me teenagers felt as if they were invincible. I don't know if he was trying to prevent something he thought was likely to happen, or maybe if it was a warning to me. I can't recall a time in which I felt invincible.