let go
Yeah, so, I am just going to have to let go of Ben. I don't know how I even feel about him anymore. It's like I've just gotten so used to having to fight for people, it's almost like that's what I thrive on. But, I can't fight anymore for him. I don't let it affect my daily life, thank goodness, like I did with Brandon. It helps that I'm not geographically close to him at all. I really wish I knew how men did it, the whole switching gears thing. Like that Cake song, Satan is My Motor...the song speaks of a man who's capable of being such a sweet, thoughtful, giving person...His intentions are good, but, so are his brakes. The song says "I can stop this car at any time...change directions and turn completely around."...and, I sometimes wish I could do that.
I know Ben is sad, and, that he even still wants me. But, all of a sudden, now, he doesn't want me to even text him because it might wake him up. You know, I tell all of my friends, not to call the house after ten pm. But, you know what? Even my parents would understand if someone called late because they needed a friend to talk to. I'd wake up at three am to be there for my friends, including Ben. Even though he doesn't feel that way at all about me. There's no time limit on friendships, and, there shouldn't be an hour of the day that you don't allow your friends into your life, if they need you. But, I have to look at this slightly cock-eyed because of the calibre of relationship we have had. It's not just been a friendship, it's been more than that, and, now, it's either over or in a transistional phase. I don't pretend to know. All I know is that he hurt my feelings today, and, I actually feel guilty for loving him and missing him. Ha. If he called me at four am, I'd be there for him. I'd never berate him or any of my friends for calling me late, if they needed to talk to me. I'd be more than flattered that they turned to me to confide in me. I don't want to be woken up for the weather report, but, damn. I don't know. I guess I just turn to the wrong people a lot of the times for support. It will just take time to see if Ben is a true friend or not. At this point, I'm putting my money on not.
I know Ben is sad, and, that he even still wants me. But, all of a sudden, now, he doesn't want me to even text him because it might wake him up. You know, I tell all of my friends, not to call the house after ten pm. But, you know what? Even my parents would understand if someone called late because they needed a friend to talk to. I'd wake up at three am to be there for my friends, including Ben. Even though he doesn't feel that way at all about me. There's no time limit on friendships, and, there shouldn't be an hour of the day that you don't allow your friends into your life, if they need you. But, I have to look at this slightly cock-eyed because of the calibre of relationship we have had. It's not just been a friendship, it's been more than that, and, now, it's either over or in a transistional phase. I don't pretend to know. All I know is that he hurt my feelings today, and, I actually feel guilty for loving him and missing him. Ha. If he called me at four am, I'd be there for him. I'd never berate him or any of my friends for calling me late, if they needed to talk to me. I'd be more than flattered that they turned to me to confide in me. I don't want to be woken up for the weather report, but, damn. I don't know. I guess I just turn to the wrong people a lot of the times for support. It will just take time to see if Ben is a true friend or not. At this point, I'm putting my money on not.