I can't say that I truly understand how you feel, but I lost my grandma only a few months back. It was unexpected and comming to her cremation was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I actually didn't want to go, because it only reminded me of the fact that she's really not comming back. Did you feel the same?
The entire experience was *very* surreal for months and months. Until then it hit me like a ton of bricks; "She's not coming back!" Then I got very guilty. I still am, kind of. I also got mad; like, look what you did to me because you wouldn't stop smoking. Look where I am, look how miserable I am. This is your fault.
But it's obviously not. Because of her passing, I daresay I have grown incredibly as a person; pain makes one stronger, right? I like myself if not too much now, while when I was 12 (to be 13) I had very low self-esteem. I went to her wake, but I spent the whole time paling around with Madison, Sabrina, and Carly. I feel a bit guilty for that, too.
She's in Michigan now, at her family plot, I guess; with her brother, mother, and father. For a while, when people asked, I'd just say my mother was in Michigan. ...I guess it's not really a lie.
Right now, I just feel empty when I think of my grandma. Her death didn't make me stronger, it just hurts. I hope it'll change, I hope it will make me stronger someday, just like you.
And you shouldn't feel guilty for the things you did. You were too young to react like an adult, so I bet it was just your way of dealing with it. If you keep tripping over the past, then you're not looking forward. Concentrate on the future and make your mom proud. I think she already is.
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But it's obviously not. Because of her passing, I daresay I have grown incredibly as a person; pain makes one stronger, right? I like myself if not too much now, while when I was 12 (to be 13) I had very low self-esteem. I went to her wake, but I spent the whole time paling around with Madison, Sabrina, and Carly. I feel a bit guilty for that, too.
She's in Michigan now, at her family plot, I guess; with her brother, mother, and father. For a while, when people asked, I'd just say my mother was in Michigan. ...I guess it's not really a lie.
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