Half a Conversation With Kintango
[mood| 
indescribable]
[music| "Suzaku no Sora" - Rurutia]
I IMed Botan because I was stressed and mad at my dad. We got to talking about my childhood and how he was a crappy dad. Then.. to this. TsumetaiXKokoro [11:08 PM]: They fought AAAAALLLLLLLL the time!
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:09 PM]: Even before I was born!
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:09 PM]: I have vivid memories of them fighting.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:10 PM]: Come fourth and fifth grade over me and whether or not I needed a psychiatrists. One time my dad saw me have a panic attack because of him... I was reading FAKE, a yaoi manga, and he HATED it and started screaming at me because of it so I freaked out and threw it across the room....
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:10 PM]: He got sooooo~~ angry.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:11 PM]: So I grabbed an ex-acto knife for suspense (I admit I wanted attention at times), ran to my room, locked and baracaded the door, and sat there crying and staring at the rainbow sheets on my bed.
BubblyFerryGirl [11:11 PM]: -___- He didn't think that, that was what was causing you to behave like that? I mean, he seems like a scary person always yelling at you.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:11 PM]: He is, kinda. He doesn't yell anymore.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:11 PM]: Because now I yell right back.
BubblyFerryGirl [11:12 PM]: Yeah you can defend yourself now.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:12 PM]: then I'd freak out and hide to my mommy.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:12 PM]: I miss that.
BubblyFerryGirl [11:12 PM]: yeah
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:12 PM]: That time with FAKE.... he got mad and left...
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:12 PM]: And my mom was very mad with him.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:12 PM]: She unlocked my door with a butter knife...
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:13 PM]: And made me unbaracade it. And she hugged me and stuff.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:14 PM]: I remember... once over the hurricanes... in seventh grade.... 2004... our power was out... and I was trying to do my math homework and geography homework..... and I got really stressed out because I didn't get math and Geography was too hard... and had a panic attack....
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:14 PM]: I just remember sitting there on the couch in the dark with the candles and flashlights and oil lamps.... and her hugging me and stuff..... even though she was so sick..
BubblyFerryGirl [11:15 PM]: That is sweet.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:15 PM]: I feel guilty still.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:15 PM]: I was so selfish. And bratty.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:15 PM]: When she was sick.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:16 PM]: She was sick in a hospital.... and I went to an Anime Convention instead of stayin with her.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:17 PM]: One night... she was low on oxygen.. and I was on the phone with my two best friends at the time, Madison and Danyelle. (I even went as far as to complain about her oxygen machine making too much noise.) She was hallucinating.... and saying there were models at the front door... and pushing an invisible shopping cart around the house...
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:17 PM]: I kind of made fun of her. On some level.
BubblyFerryGirl [11:19 PM]: Don't make yourself feel guilty. Yes, you did those things, but you were younger. Im guessing you didn't know any better or it didn't hit you that she was really sick. But still even if you did know. Don't make yourself feel bad, because I am sure there are things that you did to help greatly.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:19 PM]: I was twelve.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:19 PM]: And I didn't do squat.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:19 PM]: I was a selfish little twelve year old.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:20 PM]: I locked myself in my computer room for days, staying up till dawn, sleeping all day..
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:20 PM]: The house was a mess. And I reluctantly would make her cereal or coffee.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:20 PM]: Cleaned.... once a week.... probably less.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:20 PM]: Our dog wasn't house-trained, either
BubblyFerryGirl [11:20 PM]: =(
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:21 PM]: I... pretended to have a panic attack once.... because she wanted me to fold and put away laundry.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:22 PM]: I.. have a vivid memory of her in the hallway asking me if I hated her and I was like "Hn! ¬¬" and then she told me that I did... and cried... and all I did... is went back in my room and went back to the Internet.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:23 PM]: One day... I decided I would clean the computer room and was bringing out a bunch of dirty dishes.... and when I walked out.... she was lying on the floor by her bed... with this dazed look on her face.... all.... limpish.. with her head kind of under the bed....
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:23 PM]: It was.. horrific... and I thought she was dead...
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:24 PM]: Her oxygen had came out... and I called 911..... it was.... a bad day.
BubblyFerryGirl [11:24 PM]: =( Scary
BubblyFerryGirl [11:24 PM]: I couldnt imagine
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:25 PM]: There were a lot of days like that.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:25 PM]: She was in the hospital on and off..
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:25 PM]: Until.... January 28th.
BubblyFerryGirl [11:26 PM]: =( I am sorry.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:26 PM]: She didn't die, then though! Sorry. ^^'''
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:26 PM]: She died on the 06th of February.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:27 PM]: On the 28th, in the morning she said she couldn't take me to school, that she was too sick.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:27 PM]: Our neighbour took me.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:27 PM]: Apparently, afterwards, she went to the convinience store to get cigarettes...
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:28 PM]: And coated in the car.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:28 PM]: In the parking lot.
BubblyFerryGirl [11:28 PM]: -__-
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:28 PM]: The people in the store thought something was up after a while, and called the ambulences.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:29 PM]: They got her breathing again.... then she coated again.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:29 PM]: Then they got her breathing again and sent her to the hospital.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:30 PM]: This is the news I came home to from the busstop. I was scared lifeless when Karen was there in her truck and my mom wasn't there in her own, or that no one was there and I had to walk. Karen wasmy omen.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:30 PM]: She was on an incubator..
BubblyFerryGirl [11:30 PM]: omg
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:30 PM]: And, from what I've heard, she hated it and kept trying to rip it out of her throat.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:31 PM]: Finally they took it out and the first thing she said was "Where's allison ((<--me)) and give me a cup of coffee."
BubblyFerryGirl [11:31 PM]: When did you get there? Near when they took it out?
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:31 PM]: Afterwards, a few hours.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:32 PM]: I was there around midnight.
BubblyFerryGirl [11:32 PM]: She was in the hospital the rest of the time?
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:32 PM]: Yes. Well, she switched to Hospice, a nursing home of sorts.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:32 PM]: For the last few weeks...
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:33 PM]: I went and saw her every morning before school.... But I always wanted to hurry up with it so I could go see my boyfriend.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:34 PM]: The fourth was the last time I saw her. I had taken a few more pills than I should have that day... so I was hyper happy bouncing off the walls and barely even talked to her. That morning I had a fight with her, too. I can't even remember what about.
BubblyFerryGirl [11:35 PM]: -__-
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:36 PM]: Yeah..
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:36 PM]: I wish I could've said more though. >>
BubblyFerryGirl [11:37 PM]: Yeah. I never have been in this kind of situation, but there are always things that you wish you could've said more, when things like this happen. I just hate this though. Its really sad.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:37 PM]: Yeah. Really.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:38 PM]: I stil feel guilty for that entire summer of sixth grade.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:38 PM]: It.. had its own vibe to it...
BubblyFerryGirl [11:39 PM]: Really?
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:39 PM]: yes.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:40 PM]: I most remember it with a kind of golden eerie sunlight to it.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:40 PM]: A seven-thirty a.m. sunlight.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:40 PM]: Or nine or eight.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:40 PM]: When I'd leave my nest to check on my mother.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:40 PM]: I always hated doing that.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:40 PM]: Because she smelled.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:41 PM]: Since she couldn't get to the bathroom.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:41 PM]: She wore Depends.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:41 PM]: I feel guilty about making so many Depends jokes, too.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:41 PM]: And she didn't shower often because it was hard.
BubblyFerryGirl [11:41 PM]: yes
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:42 PM]: I feel guilty that I wouldn't help her more.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:42 PM]: I was so selfish.
BubblyFerryGirl [11:44 PM]: -nods- Well, these types of things is what make is wiser. It is a horrible situation for your mother and you, but it does make you wiser and it changes you. I know right now, I am selfish and bad attitdude A LOT, and wish to change, but I just can't. I mean what if something happens to my parents, and Im being this way. But I am sure your mother knew you loved her. You were a child. 12 years old. My brother is 12 and he is selfish. I think its just part of being that age.
BubblyFerryGirl [11:44 PM]: us*
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:47 PM]: Hm. I guess.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:48 PM]: My mom, since June of 04, survived ten months, till February of 05.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:48 PM]: When the doctors said left and right she only had ten days or less or a little more.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:48 PM]: She kept disproving them.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:49 PM]: And... now..... suddenly... it really doesn't seem real....
BubblyFerryGirl [11:52 PM]: Yes, well she seemed strong. It may not feel weird because you are discussing it. I wish you were so distressed. =(
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:52 PM]: *weren't?
BubblyFerryGirl [11:53 PM]: yes
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:53 PM]: Haha...
BubblyFerryGirl [11:53 PM]: weren't*
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:54 PM]: Well, I think it feels... surreal now.. because I'm discussing it and realizing new things and remembering and thinking..... and knowing now that... I didn't say goodbye.
BubblyFerryGirl [11:55 PM]: Yes
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:58 PM]: I only skipped one day of school to mourn, you know.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:59 PM]: Because I had the idealistic scene in my head that when I went to school I'd cry on my boyfriend's shoulder right in front of everyone and he'd comfort me.
BubblyFerryGirl [11:59 PM]: And that didn't happen?
TsumetaiXKokoro [12:00 AM]: No.
TsumetaiXKokoro [12:00 AM]: I told him my mom died, he said that's horrible, and then ran off with this girl who totally had a crush on him who he totally ignored me for, like, all the time.
TsumetaiXKokoro [12:00 AM]: I hated her. Her name was Vivian.
TsumetaiXKokoro [12:00 AM]: I still dislike her.
BubblyFerryGirl [12:01 AM]: Yeah what a jerk.
BubblyFerryGirl [12:01 AM]: Especially during a time that you needed him.
TsumetaiXKokoro [12:01 AM]: Yeah.
TsumetaiXKokoro [12:01 AM]: And he didn't come to her wake either.
TsumetaiXKokoro [12:02 AM]: It only hit me months and months afterwards that she's.. not coming back. Y'know?
TsumetaiXKokoro [12:02 AM]: Like, it felt like a really long babysitting trip. And I kept thinking she was gonna drive up in her scrubs and take me home...
TsumetaiXKokoro [12:03 AM]: But now my home with her is gone, you know. My uncle who'll be living in the house now has completely remodeled it.
BubblyFerryGirl [12:03 AM]: Yeah, I was going to ask you if you miss her now or if it didnt hit you yet?
BubblyFerryGirl [12:03 AM]: yeah?
TsumetaiXKokoro [12:03 AM]: Yeah. It made me really sad. When I went over there.
TsumetaiXKokoro [12:04 AM]: Our house was never very pretty, and they've made it beautiful, really.
TsumetaiXKokoro [12:04 AM]: We didn't have the money...
TsumetaiXKokoro [12:04 AM]: But I lived in it since before I can remember.
TsumetaiXKokoro [12:04 AM]: It was still my house.
BubblyFerryGirl [12:05 AM]: Yes, that can be depressing. Its like everything is gone huh?
TsumetaiXKokoro [12:05 AM]: Yeah.
TsumetaiXKokoro [12:05 AM]: Like... my childhood is collapsing around my ears
TsumetaiXKokoro [12:05 AM]: It... really feels like.. I'll be living an entirely new life, soon.
TsumetaiXKokoro [12:05 AM]: I lost all my pets.
TsumetaiXKokoro [12:05 AM]: Most htings are in storage of mine...
TsumetaiXKokoro [12:06 AM]: My mom, my house, my school, my friends, even my boyfriend now, are all gone.
TsumetaiXKokoro [12:06 AM]: And my dad has mouth cancer.
TsumetaiXKokoro [12:06 AM]: In a couple of years... it will be like I never had a life there.
BubblyFerryGirl [12:08 AM]: Yes, sometimes leaving things behind are tough, especially when you don't want to leave them. But starting a new life is always good. I mean you'll start fresh, no flaws. And most of those things that you are leaving behind were things you wish you didn't do.
TsumetaiXKokoro [12:08 AM]: No, not really.
TsumetaiXKokoro [12:09 AM]: The things I'm leaving behind is my entire life with my mother.
TsumetaiXKokoro [12:09 AM]: When I had thirty friends at school. Not three.
TsumetaiXKokoro [12:09 AM]: And I was friendly and social and liked and accepting and not so irritable
TsumetaiXKokoro [12:09 AM]: And everyone was healthy.
TsumetaiXKokoro [12:10 AM]: Where it was two people in the house plus two cats and a lapdog. Not six with three huge dogs.
TsumetaiXKokoro [12:11 AM]: It was just me and my mom. If... I were like I am now.. and she just... suddenly pulled up in our truck (which was sold to my uncle in Tennessee for the laptop I'm on now)... in her scrubs one morning.... and took me back to our house, even if it's beautiful like it s now....
TsumetaiXKokoro [12:11 AM]: That would make my life the best in the world.
BubblyFerryGirl [12:12 AM]: I see.
TsumetaiXKokoro [12:12 AM]: And I wouldn't ever complain like this again. Or about friends at school. Or my dad.
TsumetaiXKokoro [12:12 AM]: I'd just be happy and appreciative and grateful and loving for the rest of my days....
TsumetaiXKokoro [12:13 AM]: If she'd come in the morning in her scrubs from work and take me home and I'd leave when I was 21 like everyone else does... (though I probably wouldn't.)
TsumetaiXKokoro [12:14 AM]: I'd give anything for that.
BubblyFerryGirl [12:14 AM]: Yes
BubblyFerryGirl [12:16 AM]: Well I am going to bed. I hope you get feeling better. I don't think its healthy being stressed out. Though, this type of thing is unforgetable, and you think about it all the time. We can talk about this tomorrow if you'd like. If it makes you feel better.
TsumetaiXKokoro [12:17 AM]: Depends on how I'm feeling. I'm going to have a try at my homework now. ^^'''
TsumetaiXKokoro [12:17 AM]: Have a nice sleep!
TsumetaiXKokoro [12:17 AM]: (And thank you.)
BubblyFerryGirl [12:17 AM]: You do the same. And your welcome.
TsumetaiXKokoro [12:18 AM]: Toodles. <3
BubblyFerryGirl [12:18 AM]: Night
♥
indescribable]
[music| "Suzaku no Sora" - Rurutia]
I IMed Botan because I was stressed and mad at my dad. We got to talking about my childhood and how he was a crappy dad. Then.. to this. TsumetaiXKokoro [11:08 PM]: They fought AAAAALLLLLLLL the time!
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:09 PM]: Even before I was born!
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:09 PM]: I have vivid memories of them fighting.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:10 PM]: Come fourth and fifth grade over me and whether or not I needed a psychiatrists. One time my dad saw me have a panic attack because of him... I was reading FAKE, a yaoi manga, and he HATED it and started screaming at me because of it so I freaked out and threw it across the room....
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:10 PM]: He got sooooo~~ angry.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:11 PM]: So I grabbed an ex-acto knife for suspense (I admit I wanted attention at times), ran to my room, locked and baracaded the door, and sat there crying and staring at the rainbow sheets on my bed.
BubblyFerryGirl [11:11 PM]: -___- He didn't think that, that was what was causing you to behave like that? I mean, he seems like a scary person always yelling at you.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:11 PM]: He is, kinda. He doesn't yell anymore.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:11 PM]: Because now I yell right back.
BubblyFerryGirl [11:12 PM]: Yeah you can defend yourself now.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:12 PM]: then I'd freak out and hide to my mommy.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:12 PM]: I miss that.
BubblyFerryGirl [11:12 PM]: yeah
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:12 PM]: That time with FAKE.... he got mad and left...
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:12 PM]: And my mom was very mad with him.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:12 PM]: She unlocked my door with a butter knife...
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:13 PM]: And made me unbaracade it. And she hugged me and stuff.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:14 PM]: I remember... once over the hurricanes... in seventh grade.... 2004... our power was out... and I was trying to do my math homework and geography homework..... and I got really stressed out because I didn't get math and Geography was too hard... and had a panic attack....
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:14 PM]: I just remember sitting there on the couch in the dark with the candles and flashlights and oil lamps.... and her hugging me and stuff..... even though she was so sick..
BubblyFerryGirl [11:15 PM]: That is sweet.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:15 PM]: I feel guilty still.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:15 PM]: I was so selfish. And bratty.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:15 PM]: When she was sick.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:16 PM]: She was sick in a hospital.... and I went to an Anime Convention instead of stayin with her.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:17 PM]: One night... she was low on oxygen.. and I was on the phone with my two best friends at the time, Madison and Danyelle. (I even went as far as to complain about her oxygen machine making too much noise.) She was hallucinating.... and saying there were models at the front door... and pushing an invisible shopping cart around the house...
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:17 PM]: I kind of made fun of her. On some level.
BubblyFerryGirl [11:19 PM]: Don't make yourself feel guilty. Yes, you did those things, but you were younger. Im guessing you didn't know any better or it didn't hit you that she was really sick. But still even if you did know. Don't make yourself feel bad, because I am sure there are things that you did to help greatly.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:19 PM]: I was twelve.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:19 PM]: And I didn't do squat.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:19 PM]: I was a selfish little twelve year old.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:20 PM]: I locked myself in my computer room for days, staying up till dawn, sleeping all day..
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:20 PM]: The house was a mess. And I reluctantly would make her cereal or coffee.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:20 PM]: Cleaned.... once a week.... probably less.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:20 PM]: Our dog wasn't house-trained, either
BubblyFerryGirl [11:20 PM]: =(
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:21 PM]: I... pretended to have a panic attack once.... because she wanted me to fold and put away laundry.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:22 PM]: I.. have a vivid memory of her in the hallway asking me if I hated her and I was like "Hn! ¬¬" and then she told me that I did... and cried... and all I did... is went back in my room and went back to the Internet.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:23 PM]: One day... I decided I would clean the computer room and was bringing out a bunch of dirty dishes.... and when I walked out.... she was lying on the floor by her bed... with this dazed look on her face.... all.... limpish.. with her head kind of under the bed....
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:23 PM]: It was.. horrific... and I thought she was dead...
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:24 PM]: Her oxygen had came out... and I called 911..... it was.... a bad day.
BubblyFerryGirl [11:24 PM]: =( Scary
BubblyFerryGirl [11:24 PM]: I couldnt imagine
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:25 PM]: There were a lot of days like that.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:25 PM]: She was in the hospital on and off..
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:25 PM]: Until.... January 28th.
BubblyFerryGirl [11:26 PM]: =( I am sorry.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:26 PM]: She didn't die, then though! Sorry. ^^'''
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:26 PM]: She died on the 06th of February.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:27 PM]: On the 28th, in the morning she said she couldn't take me to school, that she was too sick.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:27 PM]: Our neighbour took me.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:27 PM]: Apparently, afterwards, she went to the convinience store to get cigarettes...
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:28 PM]: And coated in the car.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:28 PM]: In the parking lot.
BubblyFerryGirl [11:28 PM]: -__-
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:28 PM]: The people in the store thought something was up after a while, and called the ambulences.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:29 PM]: They got her breathing again.... then she coated again.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:29 PM]: Then they got her breathing again and sent her to the hospital.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:30 PM]: This is the news I came home to from the busstop. I was scared lifeless when Karen was there in her truck and my mom wasn't there in her own, or that no one was there and I had to walk. Karen wasmy omen.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:30 PM]: She was on an incubator..
BubblyFerryGirl [11:30 PM]: omg
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:30 PM]: And, from what I've heard, she hated it and kept trying to rip it out of her throat.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:31 PM]: Finally they took it out and the first thing she said was "Where's allison ((<--me)) and give me a cup of coffee."
BubblyFerryGirl [11:31 PM]: When did you get there? Near when they took it out?
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:31 PM]: Afterwards, a few hours.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:32 PM]: I was there around midnight.
BubblyFerryGirl [11:32 PM]: She was in the hospital the rest of the time?
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:32 PM]: Yes. Well, she switched to Hospice, a nursing home of sorts.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:32 PM]: For the last few weeks...
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:33 PM]: I went and saw her every morning before school.... But I always wanted to hurry up with it so I could go see my boyfriend.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:34 PM]: The fourth was the last time I saw her. I had taken a few more pills than I should have that day... so I was hyper happy bouncing off the walls and barely even talked to her. That morning I had a fight with her, too. I can't even remember what about.
BubblyFerryGirl [11:35 PM]: -__-
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:36 PM]: Yeah..
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:36 PM]: I wish I could've said more though. >>
BubblyFerryGirl [11:37 PM]: Yeah. I never have been in this kind of situation, but there are always things that you wish you could've said more, when things like this happen. I just hate this though. Its really sad.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:37 PM]: Yeah. Really.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:38 PM]: I stil feel guilty for that entire summer of sixth grade.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:38 PM]: It.. had its own vibe to it...
BubblyFerryGirl [11:39 PM]: Really?
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:39 PM]: yes.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:40 PM]: I most remember it with a kind of golden eerie sunlight to it.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:40 PM]: A seven-thirty a.m. sunlight.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:40 PM]: Or nine or eight.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:40 PM]: When I'd leave my nest to check on my mother.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:40 PM]: I always hated doing that.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:40 PM]: Because she smelled.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:41 PM]: Since she couldn't get to the bathroom.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:41 PM]: She wore Depends.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:41 PM]: I feel guilty about making so many Depends jokes, too.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:41 PM]: And she didn't shower often because it was hard.
BubblyFerryGirl [11:41 PM]: yes
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:42 PM]: I feel guilty that I wouldn't help her more.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:42 PM]: I was so selfish.
BubblyFerryGirl [11:44 PM]: -nods- Well, these types of things is what make is wiser. It is a horrible situation for your mother and you, but it does make you wiser and it changes you. I know right now, I am selfish and bad attitdude A LOT, and wish to change, but I just can't. I mean what if something happens to my parents, and Im being this way. But I am sure your mother knew you loved her. You were a child. 12 years old. My brother is 12 and he is selfish. I think its just part of being that age.
BubblyFerryGirl [11:44 PM]: us*
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:47 PM]: Hm. I guess.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:48 PM]: My mom, since June of 04, survived ten months, till February of 05.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:48 PM]: When the doctors said left and right she only had ten days or less or a little more.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:48 PM]: She kept disproving them.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:49 PM]: And... now..... suddenly... it really doesn't seem real....
BubblyFerryGirl [11:52 PM]: Yes, well she seemed strong. It may not feel weird because you are discussing it. I wish you were so distressed. =(
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:52 PM]: *weren't?
BubblyFerryGirl [11:53 PM]: yes
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:53 PM]: Haha...
BubblyFerryGirl [11:53 PM]: weren't*
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:54 PM]: Well, I think it feels... surreal now.. because I'm discussing it and realizing new things and remembering and thinking..... and knowing now that... I didn't say goodbye.
BubblyFerryGirl [11:55 PM]: Yes
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:58 PM]: I only skipped one day of school to mourn, you know.
TsumetaiXKokoro [11:59 PM]: Because I had the idealistic scene in my head that when I went to school I'd cry on my boyfriend's shoulder right in front of everyone and he'd comfort me.
BubblyFerryGirl [11:59 PM]: And that didn't happen?
TsumetaiXKokoro [12:00 AM]: No.
TsumetaiXKokoro [12:00 AM]: I told him my mom died, he said that's horrible, and then ran off with this girl who totally had a crush on him who he totally ignored me for, like, all the time.
TsumetaiXKokoro [12:00 AM]: I hated her. Her name was Vivian.
TsumetaiXKokoro [12:00 AM]: I still dislike her.
BubblyFerryGirl [12:01 AM]: Yeah what a jerk.
BubblyFerryGirl [12:01 AM]: Especially during a time that you needed him.
TsumetaiXKokoro [12:01 AM]: Yeah.
TsumetaiXKokoro [12:01 AM]: And he didn't come to her wake either.
TsumetaiXKokoro [12:02 AM]: It only hit me months and months afterwards that she's.. not coming back. Y'know?
TsumetaiXKokoro [12:02 AM]: Like, it felt like a really long babysitting trip. And I kept thinking she was gonna drive up in her scrubs and take me home...
TsumetaiXKokoro [12:03 AM]: But now my home with her is gone, you know. My uncle who'll be living in the house now has completely remodeled it.
BubblyFerryGirl [12:03 AM]: Yeah, I was going to ask you if you miss her now or if it didnt hit you yet?
BubblyFerryGirl [12:03 AM]: yeah?
TsumetaiXKokoro [12:03 AM]: Yeah. It made me really sad. When I went over there.
TsumetaiXKokoro [12:04 AM]: Our house was never very pretty, and they've made it beautiful, really.
TsumetaiXKokoro [12:04 AM]: We didn't have the money...
TsumetaiXKokoro [12:04 AM]: But I lived in it since before I can remember.
TsumetaiXKokoro [12:04 AM]: It was still my house.
BubblyFerryGirl [12:05 AM]: Yes, that can be depressing. Its like everything is gone huh?
TsumetaiXKokoro [12:05 AM]: Yeah.
TsumetaiXKokoro [12:05 AM]: Like... my childhood is collapsing around my ears
TsumetaiXKokoro [12:05 AM]: It... really feels like.. I'll be living an entirely new life, soon.
TsumetaiXKokoro [12:05 AM]: I lost all my pets.
TsumetaiXKokoro [12:05 AM]: Most htings are in storage of mine...
TsumetaiXKokoro [12:06 AM]: My mom, my house, my school, my friends, even my boyfriend now, are all gone.
TsumetaiXKokoro [12:06 AM]: And my dad has mouth cancer.
TsumetaiXKokoro [12:06 AM]: In a couple of years... it will be like I never had a life there.
BubblyFerryGirl [12:08 AM]: Yes, sometimes leaving things behind are tough, especially when you don't want to leave them. But starting a new life is always good. I mean you'll start fresh, no flaws. And most of those things that you are leaving behind were things you wish you didn't do.
TsumetaiXKokoro [12:08 AM]: No, not really.
TsumetaiXKokoro [12:09 AM]: The things I'm leaving behind is my entire life with my mother.
TsumetaiXKokoro [12:09 AM]: When I had thirty friends at school. Not three.
TsumetaiXKokoro [12:09 AM]: And I was friendly and social and liked and accepting and not so irritable
TsumetaiXKokoro [12:09 AM]: And everyone was healthy.
TsumetaiXKokoro [12:10 AM]: Where it was two people in the house plus two cats and a lapdog. Not six with three huge dogs.
TsumetaiXKokoro [12:11 AM]: It was just me and my mom. If... I were like I am now.. and she just... suddenly pulled up in our truck (which was sold to my uncle in Tennessee for the laptop I'm on now)... in her scrubs one morning.... and took me back to our house, even if it's beautiful like it s now....
TsumetaiXKokoro [12:11 AM]: That would make my life the best in the world.
BubblyFerryGirl [12:12 AM]: I see.
TsumetaiXKokoro [12:12 AM]: And I wouldn't ever complain like this again. Or about friends at school. Or my dad.
TsumetaiXKokoro [12:12 AM]: I'd just be happy and appreciative and grateful and loving for the rest of my days....
TsumetaiXKokoro [12:13 AM]: If she'd come in the morning in her scrubs from work and take me home and I'd leave when I was 21 like everyone else does... (though I probably wouldn't.)
TsumetaiXKokoro [12:14 AM]: I'd give anything for that.
BubblyFerryGirl [12:14 AM]: Yes
BubblyFerryGirl [12:16 AM]: Well I am going to bed. I hope you get feeling better. I don't think its healthy being stressed out. Though, this type of thing is unforgetable, and you think about it all the time. We can talk about this tomorrow if you'd like. If it makes you feel better.
TsumetaiXKokoro [12:17 AM]: Depends on how I'm feeling. I'm going to have a try at my homework now. ^^'''
TsumetaiXKokoro [12:17 AM]: Have a nice sleep!
TsumetaiXKokoro [12:17 AM]: (And thank you.)
BubblyFerryGirl [12:17 AM]: You do the same. And your welcome.
TsumetaiXKokoro [12:18 AM]: Toodles. <3
BubblyFerryGirl [12:18 AM]: Night
♥