Relinquish - Part 4 (FINAL)
Ohmiya. PG. ANGST. Betaed by: inaudible_d. Requested by: ica_90 Warning: Character Death.
(PS: Because it's been sooooooo long, it might be better to read the first part first here, the second part here, and the third part here)
Ohno was an egoist jerk but Nino's love towards him was unwavering. When one day Nino asked for a breakup, and when Ohno learned that Nino might leave him for real, he realized how he had taken Nino for granted.
Nino’s body didn’t accept the medication very well. He kept throwing up and it seemed like his body was about to be shattered apart anytime soon. Nothing could go into Nino’s system without getting thrown out again and it was so bad that Nino’s body was shaking in every shrill breath that he took. As tough as he was, Sho had finally come to his limit and the fact that Nino’s condition affected him so bad started to show. Sho broke down to tears openly for the first time that night and it’s like their tower of strength was finally crushed.
“Hey, don’t cry, okay?” was what Nino whispered to Sho that night, after he’s strong enough to lift his oxygen mask and talk. He was so weak, so fragile. He kept swallowing and his breathing was heavy. His eyes were half-opened and unfocused. Every syllable was easily diluted by the wind and his fingers were powerless when they landed on Sho’s cheek, “Don’t cry, please, Sho kun.”
But Nino himself had started to have tears rolling down his cheeks too. To be true, he was getting afraid and seeing Sho cry just made it worse. Seeing Aiba and Jun cry was one thing - it’s saddening and piercing a hole in his heart - but Sho? Sho crying was an entirely different thing. It was like he was smothered by the fact that it was real; his end was near. He started to feel the fear crippling in his blood. He began to worry about how it would feel like, what would happen next. He started to think about his mother and Ohno more, thinking that he would leave them soon. That he would leave Arashi soon too. Forever.
Will they be okay? Will they miss him? Will they cry? Will he be able to see them? Will they be okay?
Nino was not sobbing, because his body was not even capable to do that. He was just panting and letting his tears flow while struggling to breathe. It seemed to be too much for Sho - the look in Nino’s eyes, the faint beeps from the heart monitor, and the pumping sound of respiratory device that reminded him that he could yank the machine off and say goodbye to Nino, as easy as that. So he stood up, mumbled a short, “Gimme a minute,” and turned to take a short refuge outside. But he felt something tugging on the hem of his shirt and he turned to take a look.
It was Nino. With all the remaining strength that he had, he leaned forward and gripped whatever he could grip from Sho. His chest was heaving because his movement was too sudden that it gave his lungs a hard time to catch up and his body was trembling hard.
It was slicing Sho’s heart when, with something that sounded painfully like a weak sob, Nino pleaded, “Please, don’t leave me.”
It barely reached Ohno’s ears on the other side of the curtain but he could feel the desperation in it all the same. Nino sounded so small, so fragile, like he was a little kid who was afraid to be left alone. It felt like it had been forever since Nino was admitted to the hospital, but it was the first time that Nino really pleaded for something.
“Could you stay?” Nino’s voice was shaky and almost inaudible, “Please, Sho kun, I’m afraid. I’m afraid.”
And it felt like Sho’s and Ohno’s hearts were squeezed and pinched and slashed and stabbed to hear their Nino like that. Nino had maintained his strong appearance up until then and when Nino showed that he was falling apart too, it was certainly harrowing and almost unbearable.
Sho didn’t sit back to his chair. Instead, he climbed on the edge of Nino’s bed and brought the younger inside his embrace. He pressed his lips on Nino’s top of the head, whispering, “You’ll be okay,” repeatedly until it felt like it was real.
Nino apologized again and again that night. He apologized for being sick. He apologized for asking Sho to stay. He apologized for being a burden. Sho shook his head on all those, telling Nino that it’s okay, that Nino had nothing to apologize for.
It was all so emotionally tiring that they both fell asleep with damp eyes not so long after. Nino woke up somewhere between midnight and dawn, though, and he stared at Sho’s face up close; tracing every sign that showed how tired and sad Sho was. Sho’s eyes were red and puffy, his complexion was terrible, and his hand was holding Nino’s arm tight like he was afraid that Nino would disappear while he was asleep.
Nino’s fingertips ghosted on the side of Sho’s face. Tears were rolling down again from Nino’s eyes, blurring his vision. It was a mere whisper but it was as loud as it could be when Nino said, “How could I leave you guys?”
When Sho woke up the next morning, he was still on the bed with Nino. When he tried to wake Nino up so he could take his medicines, Nino was not waking up.
*******
Ohno, Sho, Aiba, and Jun could only stare as Nino was moved into an intensive care room with huge glass window on its side. It was so they could monitor his health at all times, the nurse said. The room didn’t have any bed curtain so Ohno couldn’t keep his place inside the room, but he kept his eyes on Nino through the window, not minding how numb his legs were from standing too long. Doctors and nurses went in and out the room more often than ever. The number of life support equipment kept increasing like they’re about to bury Nino under all those cables and monitors.
When Nino woke up, he threw up immediately. Ohno couldn’t fathom what could go out from Nino’s body since Nino barely consumed anything, but it really happened. Both Aiba and Jun hurried to the room to help Nino and Sho ran to fetch the doctor. Meanwhile, Ohno could only stare. He wanted to get inside but he knew he wasn’t allowed. He wanted to be next to Nino, but he knew Nino didn’t want that.
Nino didn’t get any better afterward, he kept slipping in and out of consciousness and at times, he’d have a terrible case of slurring while he’s unconscious. At times like that, he’d chant Ohno’s name and Ohno would beg to be allowed to get inside and hug Nino close. Nino was inching away from being alive, Ohno was inching away from being sane.
Everyone had turned to their worst state when Johnny san paid a visit. Both Aiba and Jun was spent, flinching at every sound because they thought it was Nino throwing up or failing to breathe again. Sho, who stayed with Nino inside the room, had long forgotten how to smile at all. Meanwhile, Ohno looked like he’s cemented to his place in front of the window.
Johnny san was surprisingly concerned about their being more than about the revenue; contrary to popular beliefs. He allowed Sho and Jun to stop their activities completely so they could just be there even though there’s not much that they could do there. He kept the media from bugging them. He kept anyone from bugging them. Not even Toma was given the permission to meet them because if anything, it would only make it more difficult for them to explain things and to see the pity in anyone’s eyes.
Nino was unconscious when Johnny san was there. His skin was so pale and his body was so thin that the old man cringed when he touched Nino so delicately. He brushed his hand on Nino’s hair, looking at Nino with sorrowful eyes that showed just how much he cared. He looked like a sad father looking at his son, and it was most probably what it was because he had seen Nino grew up before his eyes and guided him through it all after all.
Then, Johnny san moved to where Ohno was and he patted the man. Ohno stayed silent, stayed still, but his tears rolled down again as if Johnny san’s fatherly touch spoke more volume than any words. The pat whispered, I feel you. The pat said, be strong.
Johnny san pulled Ohno with him inside and guided him to the chair next to Nino afterward, gaining alerted looks from everyone. The old man just smiled, brought Ohno’s hand to Nino’s, and gestured the others to follow him outside.
The moment they passed the threshold, Ohno scrambled for more of Nino and let his restrained emotions flow out like a waterfall.
Sho tried to explain, “Nino would be mad if-”
“It’s okay. It’s okay for now, the doctor said he wouldn’t be awake within three hours,” Johnny san cut right away, “Look at your leader in the meantime. We can’t close our eyes on him. It’s not only Ninomiya kun who’s dying there.”
They looked through the glass window and they could see that Ohno was indeed worrisome. They knew Ohno had it the hardest, that’s why they even arranged a way so Ohno could stay close to Nino, but apparently as the days went and as Nino’s condition got worse, it started to be not enough for Ohno. Ohno needed to touch Nino, to hold the younger in his hands, to plant soft kisses on his skin, and to whisper his never ending apology to his ears.
All of them looked down and shuffled on their feet.
Then, Johnny san said something that jerked them up again, “Let’s call his mom, alright?”
“We promised that too,” Aiba mumbled. But actually, he had been wanting to do just that since the first time he knew about Nino’s illness.
Johnny san looked at Nino and sighed. He sounded faraway when he said, “I would like to know if my son might be on his journey to the other side,” he said it so lightly but so meaningfully that it hurt. “Moreover, I think both of them - and all of you too - could use more support. She should know what to do. She’s his mother, after all.”
The three of them exchanged looks and stared through the window again. A silent agreement was achieved three minutes later, when Ohno was nearly screaming his apology and his love to Nino and Nino didn’t even open his eyes to scream back at Ohno.
*******
Nino’s mother was not surprised when she was told about Nino. She was just sad and worried, like she had expected this all along. Johnny san escorted her to the doctor room and they had a long discussion there. Then, she finally entered Nino’s room, completely ignoring Ohno. She bowed briefly to Sho and Sho left her to have some time with her son. Again, Nino was unconscious. In fact, it had been awhile since the last time he wasn’t.
Sho joined Ohno in front of the window. Aiba and Jun followed a second later, sticking their faces to the glass to witness the mother and son reunion. They saw Nino’s mother caressed her son softly. They watched the woman clasped her hands on Nino’s weak one and kissed it softly before mumbling something that was probably prayer, probably just a light talk about her everyday life just like she used to tell Nino on the phone. She kept her smile on her face, but her eyes were glassy and there’s this pain that was reflected on her every movement.
It’s such a heartbreaking scenery to see since all of them knew how close Nino was to his mother, despite all the conditions and circumstances that they had been through. Aiba and Jun gave up, they turned around and rested their backs on the glass. Heavy silence engulfed them and even the sound of the clock ticking was too loud for comfort.
“He asked for a picnic,” it was Ohno who broke the silence first, half an hour later. His eyes were still on Nino and his hand was on the glass, as if he wanted to reach for Nino. Everyone took a short glance at him, expecting, “A day before he moved out, he asked for a picnic. Just the two of us.”
They had never heard of it and it was not like Nino at all to ask for a picnic.
“He even said it’s okay to go to the beach so I could go fishing while we’re at it. He even prepared a bento,” Ohno’s hand form a fist, “But I said no. I said no because it’s troublesome. I said no because I prefer to fish without him. I said no even though- even though probably he just wanted to spend more time with me.”
Aiba got a hand on Ohno’s back. Now they got a hint of what Ohno was thinking about while he’s being mute behind the curtain. The guilt had spread like a toxic and it kept growing, consuming Ohno’s being.
“I haven’t apologized for that,” Ohno choked because he’s trying hard not to get carried away by feelings, “I haven’t apologized for not eating the food that he made, I haven’t apologized for promising to go to his sister’s with him and forgetting it, I haven’t apologized for missing our anniversary, I haven’t apologized for losing his mustard shirt, I haven’t apologized for not listening, I haven’t apologized for staining our floor with paint, I haven’t apologized for coming home drunk, I haven’t apologized for- I haven’t- I-,” Ohno was out of breath, all the wrong doings that he had done to Nino, however small, were suffocating him, “I haven’t apologized for taking and not giving anything back. All these years.”
“Riida,” Jun scooted closer to Ohno and he was torn between slapping the older and hugging him tight.
“He’ll get better, right? He has to,” Ohno bit his lower lip until it’s white and probably bleeding, “He hasn’t scolded me for all of my faults yet. He hasn’t screamed at me yet. He hasn’t punched me and slapped me in the face so he’ll definitely get better for it, right?”
They were at loss of what to say. Hope was really slipping away from their grip, they could feel that. Nino was too weak to keep struggling, it seemed that it was torturing him to even just try.
“We’ll find a way,” came Sho’s desperate voice. He’s always the most stubborn and he thought why not use it for a good cause for once, “We’ll bring him overseas. I’ll- I’ll find the best doctor. I’ll contact someone. I’ll ask my dad.”
But even that couldn’t help their hope from wilting, because the next moment, Nino stirred in his sleep and started to cough fervently. He clutched his chest and his eyes screamed for help, he didn’t even have it in him to notice that his mother was there, next to him.
Nino’s mother stepped back. Aiba and Jun ran inside and Sho fetched the doctor - no one told them to but apparently this arrangement came with them naturally. The doctor came running and he got nurses and Johnny san with him. The doctor tried to calm Nino down but it’s no use. Aiba gripped Nino tight and Jun shushed him, but it was no use too. Every cough was cringe-inducing because it sounded so painful. Nino was suffering and it was showed in the way he crooned in between the coughs. When the doctor brought the tranquilizer - reluctant because according to him, keeping Nino unconscious might be a bad idea - Nino shot a pleading gaze towards the doctor. Nino was begging with his eyes. Begging for his consciousness to be taken away because he couldn’t bear the pain that was attached with it.
It was Aiba who voiced out the plea through a half scream, “Give it to him, Sensei! Can’t you see him suffering?!”
And the doctor injected the tranquilizer to Nino. Nino went limp, once again leaving the rest of them to his own refuge. Aiba refused to release Nino from his arms and so did Jun, making them a bundle of mess on the bed. The doctor gave Nino’s mother and Johnny san an apologetic look and then he dismissed himself.
Nino’s mother sighed and she fell to the seat, holding her head in apparent despair. Silently crying behind the palm of her hand.
*******
Nino had three other scenes in the next two days and it’s getting harder to witness it every time. His sister came once and never again after that, probably because she couldn’t take it so well. Nino’s mother didn’t shed any more tear after her first and she did everything she could to make her son better - including leaving the place every time Nino was awake.
Apparently, Nino’s mother knew her son better than anyone. She knew that Nino refused to tell her the truth not only for her sake, but also for his own. She knew that her appearance would only make it harder for Nino. So even though it killed her to just see Nino from afar when he’s awake and even though all she wanted to do was hugging him and keeping him safe in her arms, she endured it with all that she had.
She also knew that Nino was not kidding or being dramatic when he told his friends that he wanted to end it all. He meant it, she knew. He had given up and it’s not because he didn’t want to fight anymore; he couldn’t.
So, that one particularly cloudy afternoon, after the doctor had said that they had to put Nino into a comatose on purpose because his wake was killing him faster, she had a word with Johnny san. A final one that took them really long to finish. Once they finally did, both of them walked out to where Ohno was standing.
“Should I? Or you?” Johnny san asked to Nino’s mother.
Nino’s mother gave the shortest glance to Ohno and sighed. From the look of it, Ohno understood that the woman was disappointed on him. Very. He understood the behavior, though. Who wouldn’t be mad to the man who repeatedly put her son into misery?
“If you could,” Nino’s mother finally said, gesturing Johnny san to Ohno, whatever that meant.
Johnny san nodded understandingly and moved towards Ohno. He took Ohno who was still trying to comprehend the situation and guided him inside the room. Ohno shot a questioning look to Johnny san, then to Nino’s mother, and then to his friends. Johnny san just tugged him forward and said, “Come on, he needs you.”
Once Johnny san and Ohno were inside, Ohno gave an unsure look to Johnny san which was replied with a nod and a push on the back. That time, Ohno couldn’t scream his apology. All he could do was holding Nino’s hand and cried to it.
Nino’s mother watched the scene intently. Sho, Aiba, and Jun approached her, feeling the obligation to accompany her. Then, Nino’s mother started, “I don’t know why Kazu loves him. But I know Kazu loves him so much. Too much that he chose him over me, his mother.”
Nino did choose Ohno over his own mother. Just like with Aiba, he closed himself off from his mother when she confronted him about his relationship. The damage was bigger than Aiba’s case, though. Nino had to meet Aiba almost every day so the tense air between them eventually lessened. While with his mother, Nino seemed to be more and more distant.
Actually, it’s not the gap between them that made Nino’s mother sad. It’s the loneliness in her son’s eyes that got more and more apparent every day. But still, Nino opted to be with Ohno. He fought for Ohno with all that he had and it was not even close to exaggeration.
“Only now that I could see that Ohno kun does love him back that much,” Nino’s mother’s eyes started to get glassy, “How I wish that he could see it too. He would be happy. He would be really happy.” She looked down and pressed her handkerchief to her damp eyes, “Too bad it’s too late now.”
“Okaa san!” Aiba protested.
Nino’s mother turned to face Aiba. She looked at each and every one of them in turn, trembling slightly while doing so. She looked like she was so close to bursting out but she took a deep breath to calm herself down. After several minutes, she started again, “Look at him, would you?”
Aiba, Jun, and Sho shifted their eyes to take a look at Nino’s figure; thin and helpless. Nino’s chest was raising and falling and that - aside from all the annoying monitors - was the only indication that he was alive.
“Look at him closely. He’s so fragile, so weak,” the mother placed her palm on the glass window, “Come to think of it, that’s how he always is, isn’t it? He’s always been so fragile inside, despite all the tough act that he put on. He’s always been so lonely, so insecure. There are a lot of times where his heart was somehow suffering like his body currently is.”
Everyone’s eyes widened by the thought. They gazed at Nino and for the first time in a while, they saw him in different light.
It was Nino, the one who didn’t really fall into his mother’s 5000 yen temptation, but said so because it would be hard to say that he just wanted his mother to be proud of him. It was Nino, the one who had risen from being bullied to being idolized by the whole nation, but still had little to none friends. It was Nino, the one who had never trusted anyone, until he could say that he trusted everyone all the same. It was Nino, the one who said that he preferred to be at home at all time when the fact was, he was afraid that if he said otherwise, it would be apparent that no one had asked him to go out. It was Nino, who kept himself from saying anything upon Ohno’s and Sho’s confessions about wanting to leave the band, but actually felt so sad about it that he kept avoiding them for a few days, thinking that it was probably because of him.
“But, don’t you think he’s the strongest of all of us?” Nino’s mother asked. She felt gazes fell to her skin but she kept looking at his son, “I’m his mother but I think he has helped me more than I have helped him. He’s the one who’s always there, the one which sacrificing is his second nature. I mean, for whose sake do you think it is that his subconscious keeps holding on to his dear life? Even though he did ask to end it all?”
Sho, Aiba, and Jun looked at Nino again. They got what Nino’s mother meant and it slapped them hard. Nino was always the most fragile inside, but he was always the one who gives the most strength.
It was Nino, the one who was there when things between Sho and his parents were nothing but messy. It was Nino, the one who gave Aiba the courage to keep on moving with Arashi after Aiba’s time in hospital. It was Nino, the one who told Jun that it’s okay - it’s okay to change and it’s okay to shine the brightest for once. It was Nino, the one who had taught them that love could indeed be unconditional, because that’s how Nino’s love towards Ohno was. It was Nino, the one who was always the biggest fan of Arashi. It was Nino, the one who had kept Arashi intact because he had nowhere to go besides Arashi.
Nino had been there for all of them, as sturdy as a fort. Always. All the time. So selfless even though he liked to display himself as otherwise.
Aiba had tears in his eyes again because if anyone, it had to be Aiba who had experienced it the most. Nino was practically his brother, after all. Aiba went wherever Nino went and Nino went wherever Aiba went. He had a rough idea of where the conversation was heading to, and he wasn’t sure that he was ready for it yet. He hoped that he was wrong. He hoped that Nino’s mother would just ask them to take care of Nino more.
Turned out, Aiba was right. The next moment, Nino’s mother whispered, “Don’t you think it’s our turn to be strong for him now?”
Sho shook his head and stepped back, “No. No, we can’t do that.”
“Sho kun..,” Nino’s mother reached for Sho but Sho batted her hand away.
Jun gasped at that and held Sho to urge him to calm down. He whispered incoherent words that was supposed to be soothing, but Jun himself was still pretty much agitated and confused.
“The doctor said his life expectancy has decreased rapidly. Medication could help him survive for two months, but it would only be filled with either him in comatose like this or him suffering in his wake. What’s the point of it anymore, really? Just for this once, Sho kun, let him be egoist,” Nino’s mother pleaded, “Let’s put his suffering to an end. Let’s set him free.”
Sho kept shaking his head and looked at his friends to ask for support, but both Aiba and Jun had given in. Sho knew it; he could see it from their faces.
Sho emitted a strangled sound from the back of his throat. He refused to believe that they’re about to let Nino walk away from them forever. But even he knew that it was probably the best thing to do.
“I’ll give my consent to the doctor to remove all those equipment,” Nino’s mother informed them, taking their silence as an agreement.
All of them just breathed. They couldn’t bring themselves to give more hint of agreement other than their silence.
“He wants to be home,” Aiba whispered.
Nino’s mother smiled. Her eyes shifted to Ohno who was pressing Nino’s back of the hand to his lips,
“With him, he’s already home.”
*******
Ohno didn’t know what happened with the others - he didn’t really care. He just knew that somehow, he was given a chair on the corner of the room so he got his place close to Nino again and he’s content with that. Nurses came in that night and some of the equipment was taken away, but Nino looked more peaceful like that so Ohno didn’t ask.
On the next day, one by one, people came to Nino and whispered things that Ohno couldn’t hear at all. There was an endless stream of people coming and going. There were friends from Jimusho, close relatives, and managers. One by one, they all cried. One by one, they brushed Nino’s hair and kissed his temple or grabbed his hand. One by one, they prayed. One by one, they said things like sorry and thank you.
One by one, they left.
When the night was already seeping to the edges of the sky, Nino’s mother was the last one to enter the room. She only stared at her son for a moment that felt like an eternity before she kissed Nino’s temple and said, “I’ll be okay, son.”
Then, she left and there’s only peacefulness inside the room. No sobbing companion, no rushing nurses, no doctors; just Nino and Ohno. Just the two of them.
Close to midnight, Nino made little movements that let Ohno knew that the tranquilizer effect had worn off. He hurriedly stepped outside, searching for anyone to watch for Nino.
But no one was outside. There’s no Sho. No Aiba. No Jun.
Ohno went back inside, panicked and confused. He looked at Nino and Nino was still sleeping; pretty much peaceful safe for a few little jerks of his body. Then, Nino started to wince. Nino writhed and the mask was fogged in a worrisome pace. It wasn’t as bad as the usual, though, but Ohno knew Nino was having difficulties in breathing. Again.
Ohno was at loss of what to do. He looked outside again but still, there’s no one at all. A part of his brain urged him to hide before Nino could see him, but he was aware that he couldn’t leave Nino either. He was pacing around out of panic when he heard a soft call that stopped his heart from beating.
“Oh chan..”
It’s that kind of scene again. Where Nino called out for Ohno in his sleep. Where Nino usually cried, reaching for Ohno with his weak hands.
Ohno felt weak. He had always wanted to run to Nino when this happened, but his friends were always there to hold him back. Meanwhile right then, there’s nothing between them. He could just go there to Nino and hug the younger tight. He could answer Nino’s call. He could whisper all soothing things that he always chanted inside his head because he couldn’t say it directly to Nino.
The question was, should he?
“Oh chan..”
The second call was more heart wrenching than anything. Nino sounded so helpless, so in need of Ohno.
Ohno reached for Nino and grabbed Nino’s hand - more out of reflex than logical decision.
Unexpectedly, Nino responded to Ohno’s touch. He squeezed Ohno’s hand even though it felt more like a powerless press to the skin. He opened his eyes, so slightly it was only a pair of slits in his face.
“Oh chan?” Nino croaked. From his expression, it was unclear if he was fully conscious or not. He had been on heavy tranquilizer for the past few days, after all, even himself was unsure if it’s reality or not.
“I- I’ll get the doctor,” Ohno frantically dashed outside but the hand on his wrist held him.
“Oh chan..,” Nino looked like he didn’t believe it was Ohno who was in front of him. His eyes were glistening, “Oh chan..,” he removed his mask because it made his weak voice incoherent. Both of his hands were reaching for Ohno and his voice became chants of sobs in form of Ohno’s name, “Oh chan, Oh chan, Oh chan..”
Nino was in no condition to think clearly and he got the one he had been longing for for the longest time right in front of him so it was just natural when he kept reaching for Ohno. All that he had in mind was that Ohno was there and he didn’t want Ohno to go. He needed Ohno. He’s afraid that Ohno would leave him.
Ohno knew he should call the doctor but Nino’s eyes got him so bad. Those eyes that he loved so much were filled with tears and a plea - a plea for him to stay.
So he stayed. He climbed the bed and gathered Nino in his embrace because Nino was too weak to move by himself. Nino held onto Ohno’s shirt, burying his head on Ohno’s chest.
“Oh chan, don’t leave me..,” Nino said.
“No, I won’t,” Ohno answered. His throat was caught because he was aware that if anyone was leaving, then it would be Nino, “You don’t leave me too, okay?”
Nino kept pulling Ohno closer, as if he wanted to melt himself into Ohno. Ohno kissed the top of Nino’s head and circled his arm around Nino’s shoulders, feeling how fragile Nino’s body was compared to the last time he had the chance to hug Nino.
It had been almost a year, Ohno realized. Or two, because he pushed Nino away for that long already.
The guilt overpowered Ohno again and he felt his eyes burning. With all the sincerity that he had, he said to Nino the things that he hadn’t been saying directly since too long, “I love you, Kazu. I really love you.”
Nino looked up in surprise and disbelief. Tears were flowing when he asked, “You.. do?”
“I do. I really, really love you. Really,” Ohno repeated, “I’m sorry that I- I didn’t show it enough and that I-”
“Oh chan,” Nino’s faint voice cut Ohno. His eyes were on Ohno’s, “Can I hear it again?”
Ohno was stunned. It made Ohno realize that Nino was really craving for his hints of love. He felt guilty. Really, really, really guilty. Ohno pressed the words to Nino’s skin as he repeated it over and over again, “I love you, Kazu. I really, really love you. I always love you. Always. I love you, I love you, I love you.”
“Again, Oh chan.”
“I love you, Ninomiya Kazunari. From the very first time we met. I love you even if I’m a jerk that did you wrong. I love you even if I didn’t show it. I love you so much,” Ohno kissed Nino’s forehead and he could feel how Nino’s strength was decreasing.
Nino felt overwhelmed but strangely light. All of his surroundings were turning into blur and he could only hear Ohno’s voice, but Nino kept saying, “Again, please?”
And Ohno kept repeating, “I love your eyes. I love your smile. I love how you always take care of everyone in your own way and I love how you always forgive. I love your cooking. I love our dates. I love when you cuddle to me and I love when you say you love me. I love that you made a move on us. I love that you kept us together. I love how you give me time for myself and I love how you’re always there. I love the way you love me. I love you. I love you, Kazu.”
Nino let the tears roll from his eyes to Ohno’s shirt.
“I love the way you think. I love your fresh ideas,” Ohno continued. Then, he remembered something, “Like the picnic. You asked me to go to a picnic, right?”
Nino nodded a bit.
“The beach. You said picnic on the beach. Should we go? Yeah- yeah, we should,” Ohno’s voice was filled with a new light. If anything, he was eager to make things right.
Nino smiled. He could picture it in his head and he was giving in to that beautiful images.
“You don’t like to get your skin burnt, so why don’t we go to the park instead? Watching sakura, yeah? I remember that one time we went to see sakura with the others. I love the shine in your eyes,” Ohno continued, trying to ignore Nino’s loosening grip by placing his hand on top of Nino’s, holding it firm.
Nino managed to nod but his eyes were closing.
“I’ll- I’ll cook you hamburger. It’s been a while but I’ll do my best to cook it for you. You have to eat it all, okay? I love it when you eat a lot,” Ohno kept making promise.
Nino let out some more tears and hid his face completely on Ohno’s chest. The soft line of his lips was forming a smile. He felt like he was drowning and floating at the same time.
“You can bring your games! I’ll accompany you all day. I’ll learn how to play your games too so we can- we can play together, okay?”
Nino didn’t respond and Ohno refused to take it in. Slowly, even Ohno’s voice sounded so far away.
“Therefore, you have to- to get better, okay? Once you’re out from this hospital, I’ll take you to the picnic. I’ll take you to one picnic and another. I’ll fill your days with fun picnics. I’ll show you how much I love you. I’ll say that I love you until you’re tired of it. I’ll repeat it until you don’t have the chance to doubt it anymore. I’ll prove it to you, okay?”
Nino lost his grip. His hand fell limply to the bed.
Ohno held Nino tighter. His tears started to wet the pillow, “I’ll show you that I can make this right. I’ll make us right. I will make you the happiest man on earth, Kazu, so get better, yeah?”
Nino’s body had never been that cold and Ohno did his best to make it warm.
“I love you, Kazu, so you have to get better. You have to. You have to!”
Ohno kept talking and pleading. He kept making promises. He kept saying how much he loved Nino.
When the nurses and the doctor came, he ignored them.
When Sho, Aiba, and Jun came, he said to Nino that their friends would be the witness of him fulfilling his promises.
Ohno kissed Nino again and again. He kept talking and talking and talking. His promises kept flowing from his mouth even when people started to coax him to leave the bed. Even when hands started to rub his back.
Even when the beeping sounds from the heart monitor had long turned into one long final tone of an end.
*******
*******
The day when the funeral was held, light shower was pouring down from the sky. Johnny san had made it so they could have a private funeral, away from the media and such. Nino’s closest friends and family came, but everyone was silent.
Nino was gone.
He was gone and no one wanted to believe it.
Pats and words were given to the rest of Arashi members, but they were numb. They couldn’t process any of it. They refused to.
After the funeral, they went home by themselves.
All of them were lost. They lived, but their minds didn’t want to move on.
Jun had a massive breakdown on the ridiculous jacket that Nino gave to him long time ago.
Sho spent no day without visiting the grave and apologizing for not trying had enough.
Aiba found himself riding the Sobu sen all by himself from one end to another again and again.
They were lost in their own grieves and refused to meet each other for it would bring the memories of Nino in the most painful way ever.
Until one day, their manager called them. For the first time since the funeral, Ohno went out from his apartment.
All of them rushed to Ohno’s apartment at once. Ohno had locked himself inside his apartment since the funeral, spending his days mostly by crying and sleeping. He barely talked at all. Ohno suddenly stepping out from the apartment could mean bad things.
When they arrived, Ohno was back to the apartment already. The curtains were opened, everything was cleaned.
And Ohno was cooking.
“Riida,” Aiba was the first to break the silence, “What are you doing?”
When they stepped inside, they noticed that Ohno was cooking hamburger. Their leader was thin and pale, but he was smiling. The smile was weak but genuine, it sent shiver to their spines.
Ohno wasn’t supposed to be smiling. Something must be wrong.
“Cooking, can’t you see?” Ohno grinned.
“Hamburger?” Sho cautiously asked.
“Yeah. Nino asked for a picnic and I thought it would be nice to cook him hamburger,” Ohno smiled happily. Then he looked down a bit, “I’ve been a jerk, you know. I want to make it right, to show him that I love him.”
Ohno couldn’t be kidding - it would be too rude to do that. And, from all the things that had been prepared around them, they knew that Ohno wasn’t messing around.
“I’ve been a jerk and neglected him. I want to change. I want to treat him right, now. I want to return all of his kindness,” Ohno looked up, straight to his friends’ eyes.
“Satoshi..,” Sho croaked when slowly, sadness seeped through Ohno’s eyes.
Then, tears started to roll down Ohno’s eyes despite the hopeful smile. It was as if Ohno’s mind was refusing to believe that Nino was gone but deep inside, his subconscious knew better.
Then, Ohno asked,
“It’s not too late, is it?”
Finally I finished this one! This one was seriously hard for me. I literally cried while writing it and I'm not even kidding (sighs)
Well, I hope you all enjoyed this one even though it took forever for me to finish it.
Comments are loved!
(PS: Because it's been sooooooo long, it might be better to read the first part first here, the second part here, and the third part here)
Ohno was an egoist jerk but Nino's love towards him was unwavering. When one day Nino asked for a breakup, and when Ohno learned that Nino might leave him for real, he realized how he had taken Nino for granted.
Nino’s body didn’t accept the medication very well. He kept throwing up and it seemed like his body was about to be shattered apart anytime soon. Nothing could go into Nino’s system without getting thrown out again and it was so bad that Nino’s body was shaking in every shrill breath that he took. As tough as he was, Sho had finally come to his limit and the fact that Nino’s condition affected him so bad started to show. Sho broke down to tears openly for the first time that night and it’s like their tower of strength was finally crushed.
“Hey, don’t cry, okay?” was what Nino whispered to Sho that night, after he’s strong enough to lift his oxygen mask and talk. He was so weak, so fragile. He kept swallowing and his breathing was heavy. His eyes were half-opened and unfocused. Every syllable was easily diluted by the wind and his fingers were powerless when they landed on Sho’s cheek, “Don’t cry, please, Sho kun.”
But Nino himself had started to have tears rolling down his cheeks too. To be true, he was getting afraid and seeing Sho cry just made it worse. Seeing Aiba and Jun cry was one thing - it’s saddening and piercing a hole in his heart - but Sho? Sho crying was an entirely different thing. It was like he was smothered by the fact that it was real; his end was near. He started to feel the fear crippling in his blood. He began to worry about how it would feel like, what would happen next. He started to think about his mother and Ohno more, thinking that he would leave them soon. That he would leave Arashi soon too. Forever.
Will they be okay? Will they miss him? Will they cry? Will he be able to see them? Will they be okay?
Nino was not sobbing, because his body was not even capable to do that. He was just panting and letting his tears flow while struggling to breathe. It seemed to be too much for Sho - the look in Nino’s eyes, the faint beeps from the heart monitor, and the pumping sound of respiratory device that reminded him that he could yank the machine off and say goodbye to Nino, as easy as that. So he stood up, mumbled a short, “Gimme a minute,” and turned to take a short refuge outside. But he felt something tugging on the hem of his shirt and he turned to take a look.
It was Nino. With all the remaining strength that he had, he leaned forward and gripped whatever he could grip from Sho. His chest was heaving because his movement was too sudden that it gave his lungs a hard time to catch up and his body was trembling hard.
It was slicing Sho’s heart when, with something that sounded painfully like a weak sob, Nino pleaded, “Please, don’t leave me.”
It barely reached Ohno’s ears on the other side of the curtain but he could feel the desperation in it all the same. Nino sounded so small, so fragile, like he was a little kid who was afraid to be left alone. It felt like it had been forever since Nino was admitted to the hospital, but it was the first time that Nino really pleaded for something.
“Could you stay?” Nino’s voice was shaky and almost inaudible, “Please, Sho kun, I’m afraid. I’m afraid.”
And it felt like Sho’s and Ohno’s hearts were squeezed and pinched and slashed and stabbed to hear their Nino like that. Nino had maintained his strong appearance up until then and when Nino showed that he was falling apart too, it was certainly harrowing and almost unbearable.
Sho didn’t sit back to his chair. Instead, he climbed on the edge of Nino’s bed and brought the younger inside his embrace. He pressed his lips on Nino’s top of the head, whispering, “You’ll be okay,” repeatedly until it felt like it was real.
Nino apologized again and again that night. He apologized for being sick. He apologized for asking Sho to stay. He apologized for being a burden. Sho shook his head on all those, telling Nino that it’s okay, that Nino had nothing to apologize for.
It was all so emotionally tiring that they both fell asleep with damp eyes not so long after. Nino woke up somewhere between midnight and dawn, though, and he stared at Sho’s face up close; tracing every sign that showed how tired and sad Sho was. Sho’s eyes were red and puffy, his complexion was terrible, and his hand was holding Nino’s arm tight like he was afraid that Nino would disappear while he was asleep.
Nino’s fingertips ghosted on the side of Sho’s face. Tears were rolling down again from Nino’s eyes, blurring his vision. It was a mere whisper but it was as loud as it could be when Nino said, “How could I leave you guys?”
When Sho woke up the next morning, he was still on the bed with Nino. When he tried to wake Nino up so he could take his medicines, Nino was not waking up.
*******
Ohno, Sho, Aiba, and Jun could only stare as Nino was moved into an intensive care room with huge glass window on its side. It was so they could monitor his health at all times, the nurse said. The room didn’t have any bed curtain so Ohno couldn’t keep his place inside the room, but he kept his eyes on Nino through the window, not minding how numb his legs were from standing too long. Doctors and nurses went in and out the room more often than ever. The number of life support equipment kept increasing like they’re about to bury Nino under all those cables and monitors.
When Nino woke up, he threw up immediately. Ohno couldn’t fathom what could go out from Nino’s body since Nino barely consumed anything, but it really happened. Both Aiba and Jun hurried to the room to help Nino and Sho ran to fetch the doctor. Meanwhile, Ohno could only stare. He wanted to get inside but he knew he wasn’t allowed. He wanted to be next to Nino, but he knew Nino didn’t want that.
Nino didn’t get any better afterward, he kept slipping in and out of consciousness and at times, he’d have a terrible case of slurring while he’s unconscious. At times like that, he’d chant Ohno’s name and Ohno would beg to be allowed to get inside and hug Nino close. Nino was inching away from being alive, Ohno was inching away from being sane.
Everyone had turned to their worst state when Johnny san paid a visit. Both Aiba and Jun was spent, flinching at every sound because they thought it was Nino throwing up or failing to breathe again. Sho, who stayed with Nino inside the room, had long forgotten how to smile at all. Meanwhile, Ohno looked like he’s cemented to his place in front of the window.
Johnny san was surprisingly concerned about their being more than about the revenue; contrary to popular beliefs. He allowed Sho and Jun to stop their activities completely so they could just be there even though there’s not much that they could do there. He kept the media from bugging them. He kept anyone from bugging them. Not even Toma was given the permission to meet them because if anything, it would only make it more difficult for them to explain things and to see the pity in anyone’s eyes.
Nino was unconscious when Johnny san was there. His skin was so pale and his body was so thin that the old man cringed when he touched Nino so delicately. He brushed his hand on Nino’s hair, looking at Nino with sorrowful eyes that showed just how much he cared. He looked like a sad father looking at his son, and it was most probably what it was because he had seen Nino grew up before his eyes and guided him through it all after all.
Then, Johnny san moved to where Ohno was and he patted the man. Ohno stayed silent, stayed still, but his tears rolled down again as if Johnny san’s fatherly touch spoke more volume than any words. The pat whispered, I feel you. The pat said, be strong.
Johnny san pulled Ohno with him inside and guided him to the chair next to Nino afterward, gaining alerted looks from everyone. The old man just smiled, brought Ohno’s hand to Nino’s, and gestured the others to follow him outside.
The moment they passed the threshold, Ohno scrambled for more of Nino and let his restrained emotions flow out like a waterfall.
Sho tried to explain, “Nino would be mad if-”
“It’s okay. It’s okay for now, the doctor said he wouldn’t be awake within three hours,” Johnny san cut right away, “Look at your leader in the meantime. We can’t close our eyes on him. It’s not only Ninomiya kun who’s dying there.”
They looked through the glass window and they could see that Ohno was indeed worrisome. They knew Ohno had it the hardest, that’s why they even arranged a way so Ohno could stay close to Nino, but apparently as the days went and as Nino’s condition got worse, it started to be not enough for Ohno. Ohno needed to touch Nino, to hold the younger in his hands, to plant soft kisses on his skin, and to whisper his never ending apology to his ears.
All of them looked down and shuffled on their feet.
Then, Johnny san said something that jerked them up again, “Let’s call his mom, alright?”
“We promised that too,” Aiba mumbled. But actually, he had been wanting to do just that since the first time he knew about Nino’s illness.
Johnny san looked at Nino and sighed. He sounded faraway when he said, “I would like to know if my son might be on his journey to the other side,” he said it so lightly but so meaningfully that it hurt. “Moreover, I think both of them - and all of you too - could use more support. She should know what to do. She’s his mother, after all.”
The three of them exchanged looks and stared through the window again. A silent agreement was achieved three minutes later, when Ohno was nearly screaming his apology and his love to Nino and Nino didn’t even open his eyes to scream back at Ohno.
*******
Nino’s mother was not surprised when she was told about Nino. She was just sad and worried, like she had expected this all along. Johnny san escorted her to the doctor room and they had a long discussion there. Then, she finally entered Nino’s room, completely ignoring Ohno. She bowed briefly to Sho and Sho left her to have some time with her son. Again, Nino was unconscious. In fact, it had been awhile since the last time he wasn’t.
Sho joined Ohno in front of the window. Aiba and Jun followed a second later, sticking their faces to the glass to witness the mother and son reunion. They saw Nino’s mother caressed her son softly. They watched the woman clasped her hands on Nino’s weak one and kissed it softly before mumbling something that was probably prayer, probably just a light talk about her everyday life just like she used to tell Nino on the phone. She kept her smile on her face, but her eyes were glassy and there’s this pain that was reflected on her every movement.
It’s such a heartbreaking scenery to see since all of them knew how close Nino was to his mother, despite all the conditions and circumstances that they had been through. Aiba and Jun gave up, they turned around and rested their backs on the glass. Heavy silence engulfed them and even the sound of the clock ticking was too loud for comfort.
“He asked for a picnic,” it was Ohno who broke the silence first, half an hour later. His eyes were still on Nino and his hand was on the glass, as if he wanted to reach for Nino. Everyone took a short glance at him, expecting, “A day before he moved out, he asked for a picnic. Just the two of us.”
They had never heard of it and it was not like Nino at all to ask for a picnic.
“He even said it’s okay to go to the beach so I could go fishing while we’re at it. He even prepared a bento,” Ohno’s hand form a fist, “But I said no. I said no because it’s troublesome. I said no because I prefer to fish without him. I said no even though- even though probably he just wanted to spend more time with me.”
Aiba got a hand on Ohno’s back. Now they got a hint of what Ohno was thinking about while he’s being mute behind the curtain. The guilt had spread like a toxic and it kept growing, consuming Ohno’s being.
“I haven’t apologized for that,” Ohno choked because he’s trying hard not to get carried away by feelings, “I haven’t apologized for not eating the food that he made, I haven’t apologized for promising to go to his sister’s with him and forgetting it, I haven’t apologized for missing our anniversary, I haven’t apologized for losing his mustard shirt, I haven’t apologized for not listening, I haven’t apologized for staining our floor with paint, I haven’t apologized for coming home drunk, I haven’t apologized for- I haven’t- I-,” Ohno was out of breath, all the wrong doings that he had done to Nino, however small, were suffocating him, “I haven’t apologized for taking and not giving anything back. All these years.”
“Riida,” Jun scooted closer to Ohno and he was torn between slapping the older and hugging him tight.
“He’ll get better, right? He has to,” Ohno bit his lower lip until it’s white and probably bleeding, “He hasn’t scolded me for all of my faults yet. He hasn’t screamed at me yet. He hasn’t punched me and slapped me in the face so he’ll definitely get better for it, right?”
They were at loss of what to say. Hope was really slipping away from their grip, they could feel that. Nino was too weak to keep struggling, it seemed that it was torturing him to even just try.
“We’ll find a way,” came Sho’s desperate voice. He’s always the most stubborn and he thought why not use it for a good cause for once, “We’ll bring him overseas. I’ll- I’ll find the best doctor. I’ll contact someone. I’ll ask my dad.”
But even that couldn’t help their hope from wilting, because the next moment, Nino stirred in his sleep and started to cough fervently. He clutched his chest and his eyes screamed for help, he didn’t even have it in him to notice that his mother was there, next to him.
Nino’s mother stepped back. Aiba and Jun ran inside and Sho fetched the doctor - no one told them to but apparently this arrangement came with them naturally. The doctor came running and he got nurses and Johnny san with him. The doctor tried to calm Nino down but it’s no use. Aiba gripped Nino tight and Jun shushed him, but it was no use too. Every cough was cringe-inducing because it sounded so painful. Nino was suffering and it was showed in the way he crooned in between the coughs. When the doctor brought the tranquilizer - reluctant because according to him, keeping Nino unconscious might be a bad idea - Nino shot a pleading gaze towards the doctor. Nino was begging with his eyes. Begging for his consciousness to be taken away because he couldn’t bear the pain that was attached with it.
It was Aiba who voiced out the plea through a half scream, “Give it to him, Sensei! Can’t you see him suffering?!”
And the doctor injected the tranquilizer to Nino. Nino went limp, once again leaving the rest of them to his own refuge. Aiba refused to release Nino from his arms and so did Jun, making them a bundle of mess on the bed. The doctor gave Nino’s mother and Johnny san an apologetic look and then he dismissed himself.
Nino’s mother sighed and she fell to the seat, holding her head in apparent despair. Silently crying behind the palm of her hand.
*******
Nino had three other scenes in the next two days and it’s getting harder to witness it every time. His sister came once and never again after that, probably because she couldn’t take it so well. Nino’s mother didn’t shed any more tear after her first and she did everything she could to make her son better - including leaving the place every time Nino was awake.
Apparently, Nino’s mother knew her son better than anyone. She knew that Nino refused to tell her the truth not only for her sake, but also for his own. She knew that her appearance would only make it harder for Nino. So even though it killed her to just see Nino from afar when he’s awake and even though all she wanted to do was hugging him and keeping him safe in her arms, she endured it with all that she had.
She also knew that Nino was not kidding or being dramatic when he told his friends that he wanted to end it all. He meant it, she knew. He had given up and it’s not because he didn’t want to fight anymore; he couldn’t.
So, that one particularly cloudy afternoon, after the doctor had said that they had to put Nino into a comatose on purpose because his wake was killing him faster, she had a word with Johnny san. A final one that took them really long to finish. Once they finally did, both of them walked out to where Ohno was standing.
“Should I? Or you?” Johnny san asked to Nino’s mother.
Nino’s mother gave the shortest glance to Ohno and sighed. From the look of it, Ohno understood that the woman was disappointed on him. Very. He understood the behavior, though. Who wouldn’t be mad to the man who repeatedly put her son into misery?
“If you could,” Nino’s mother finally said, gesturing Johnny san to Ohno, whatever that meant.
Johnny san nodded understandingly and moved towards Ohno. He took Ohno who was still trying to comprehend the situation and guided him inside the room. Ohno shot a questioning look to Johnny san, then to Nino’s mother, and then to his friends. Johnny san just tugged him forward and said, “Come on, he needs you.”
Once Johnny san and Ohno were inside, Ohno gave an unsure look to Johnny san which was replied with a nod and a push on the back. That time, Ohno couldn’t scream his apology. All he could do was holding Nino’s hand and cried to it.
Nino’s mother watched the scene intently. Sho, Aiba, and Jun approached her, feeling the obligation to accompany her. Then, Nino’s mother started, “I don’t know why Kazu loves him. But I know Kazu loves him so much. Too much that he chose him over me, his mother.”
Nino did choose Ohno over his own mother. Just like with Aiba, he closed himself off from his mother when she confronted him about his relationship. The damage was bigger than Aiba’s case, though. Nino had to meet Aiba almost every day so the tense air between them eventually lessened. While with his mother, Nino seemed to be more and more distant.
Actually, it’s not the gap between them that made Nino’s mother sad. It’s the loneliness in her son’s eyes that got more and more apparent every day. But still, Nino opted to be with Ohno. He fought for Ohno with all that he had and it was not even close to exaggeration.
“Only now that I could see that Ohno kun does love him back that much,” Nino’s mother’s eyes started to get glassy, “How I wish that he could see it too. He would be happy. He would be really happy.” She looked down and pressed her handkerchief to her damp eyes, “Too bad it’s too late now.”
“Okaa san!” Aiba protested.
Nino’s mother turned to face Aiba. She looked at each and every one of them in turn, trembling slightly while doing so. She looked like she was so close to bursting out but she took a deep breath to calm herself down. After several minutes, she started again, “Look at him, would you?”
Aiba, Jun, and Sho shifted their eyes to take a look at Nino’s figure; thin and helpless. Nino’s chest was raising and falling and that - aside from all the annoying monitors - was the only indication that he was alive.
“Look at him closely. He’s so fragile, so weak,” the mother placed her palm on the glass window, “Come to think of it, that’s how he always is, isn’t it? He’s always been so fragile inside, despite all the tough act that he put on. He’s always been so lonely, so insecure. There are a lot of times where his heart was somehow suffering like his body currently is.”
Everyone’s eyes widened by the thought. They gazed at Nino and for the first time in a while, they saw him in different light.
It was Nino, the one who didn’t really fall into his mother’s 5000 yen temptation, but said so because it would be hard to say that he just wanted his mother to be proud of him. It was Nino, the one who had risen from being bullied to being idolized by the whole nation, but still had little to none friends. It was Nino, the one who had never trusted anyone, until he could say that he trusted everyone all the same. It was Nino, the one who said that he preferred to be at home at all time when the fact was, he was afraid that if he said otherwise, it would be apparent that no one had asked him to go out. It was Nino, who kept himself from saying anything upon Ohno’s and Sho’s confessions about wanting to leave the band, but actually felt so sad about it that he kept avoiding them for a few days, thinking that it was probably because of him.
“But, don’t you think he’s the strongest of all of us?” Nino’s mother asked. She felt gazes fell to her skin but she kept looking at his son, “I’m his mother but I think he has helped me more than I have helped him. He’s the one who’s always there, the one which sacrificing is his second nature. I mean, for whose sake do you think it is that his subconscious keeps holding on to his dear life? Even though he did ask to end it all?”
Sho, Aiba, and Jun looked at Nino again. They got what Nino’s mother meant and it slapped them hard. Nino was always the most fragile inside, but he was always the one who gives the most strength.
It was Nino, the one who was there when things between Sho and his parents were nothing but messy. It was Nino, the one who gave Aiba the courage to keep on moving with Arashi after Aiba’s time in hospital. It was Nino, the one who told Jun that it’s okay - it’s okay to change and it’s okay to shine the brightest for once. It was Nino, the one who had taught them that love could indeed be unconditional, because that’s how Nino’s love towards Ohno was. It was Nino, the one who was always the biggest fan of Arashi. It was Nino, the one who had kept Arashi intact because he had nowhere to go besides Arashi.
Nino had been there for all of them, as sturdy as a fort. Always. All the time. So selfless even though he liked to display himself as otherwise.
Aiba had tears in his eyes again because if anyone, it had to be Aiba who had experienced it the most. Nino was practically his brother, after all. Aiba went wherever Nino went and Nino went wherever Aiba went. He had a rough idea of where the conversation was heading to, and he wasn’t sure that he was ready for it yet. He hoped that he was wrong. He hoped that Nino’s mother would just ask them to take care of Nino more.
Turned out, Aiba was right. The next moment, Nino’s mother whispered, “Don’t you think it’s our turn to be strong for him now?”
Sho shook his head and stepped back, “No. No, we can’t do that.”
“Sho kun..,” Nino’s mother reached for Sho but Sho batted her hand away.
Jun gasped at that and held Sho to urge him to calm down. He whispered incoherent words that was supposed to be soothing, but Jun himself was still pretty much agitated and confused.
“The doctor said his life expectancy has decreased rapidly. Medication could help him survive for two months, but it would only be filled with either him in comatose like this or him suffering in his wake. What’s the point of it anymore, really? Just for this once, Sho kun, let him be egoist,” Nino’s mother pleaded, “Let’s put his suffering to an end. Let’s set him free.”
Sho kept shaking his head and looked at his friends to ask for support, but both Aiba and Jun had given in. Sho knew it; he could see it from their faces.
Sho emitted a strangled sound from the back of his throat. He refused to believe that they’re about to let Nino walk away from them forever. But even he knew that it was probably the best thing to do.
“I’ll give my consent to the doctor to remove all those equipment,” Nino’s mother informed them, taking their silence as an agreement.
All of them just breathed. They couldn’t bring themselves to give more hint of agreement other than their silence.
“He wants to be home,” Aiba whispered.
Nino’s mother smiled. Her eyes shifted to Ohno who was pressing Nino’s back of the hand to his lips,
“With him, he’s already home.”
*******
Ohno didn’t know what happened with the others - he didn’t really care. He just knew that somehow, he was given a chair on the corner of the room so he got his place close to Nino again and he’s content with that. Nurses came in that night and some of the equipment was taken away, but Nino looked more peaceful like that so Ohno didn’t ask.
On the next day, one by one, people came to Nino and whispered things that Ohno couldn’t hear at all. There was an endless stream of people coming and going. There were friends from Jimusho, close relatives, and managers. One by one, they all cried. One by one, they brushed Nino’s hair and kissed his temple or grabbed his hand. One by one, they prayed. One by one, they said things like sorry and thank you.
One by one, they left.
When the night was already seeping to the edges of the sky, Nino’s mother was the last one to enter the room. She only stared at her son for a moment that felt like an eternity before she kissed Nino’s temple and said, “I’ll be okay, son.”
Then, she left and there’s only peacefulness inside the room. No sobbing companion, no rushing nurses, no doctors; just Nino and Ohno. Just the two of them.
Close to midnight, Nino made little movements that let Ohno knew that the tranquilizer effect had worn off. He hurriedly stepped outside, searching for anyone to watch for Nino.
But no one was outside. There’s no Sho. No Aiba. No Jun.
Ohno went back inside, panicked and confused. He looked at Nino and Nino was still sleeping; pretty much peaceful safe for a few little jerks of his body. Then, Nino started to wince. Nino writhed and the mask was fogged in a worrisome pace. It wasn’t as bad as the usual, though, but Ohno knew Nino was having difficulties in breathing. Again.
Ohno was at loss of what to do. He looked outside again but still, there’s no one at all. A part of his brain urged him to hide before Nino could see him, but he was aware that he couldn’t leave Nino either. He was pacing around out of panic when he heard a soft call that stopped his heart from beating.
“Oh chan..”
It’s that kind of scene again. Where Nino called out for Ohno in his sleep. Where Nino usually cried, reaching for Ohno with his weak hands.
Ohno felt weak. He had always wanted to run to Nino when this happened, but his friends were always there to hold him back. Meanwhile right then, there’s nothing between them. He could just go there to Nino and hug the younger tight. He could answer Nino’s call. He could whisper all soothing things that he always chanted inside his head because he couldn’t say it directly to Nino.
The question was, should he?
“Oh chan..”
The second call was more heart wrenching than anything. Nino sounded so helpless, so in need of Ohno.
Ohno reached for Nino and grabbed Nino’s hand - more out of reflex than logical decision.
Unexpectedly, Nino responded to Ohno’s touch. He squeezed Ohno’s hand even though it felt more like a powerless press to the skin. He opened his eyes, so slightly it was only a pair of slits in his face.
“Oh chan?” Nino croaked. From his expression, it was unclear if he was fully conscious or not. He had been on heavy tranquilizer for the past few days, after all, even himself was unsure if it’s reality or not.
“I- I’ll get the doctor,” Ohno frantically dashed outside but the hand on his wrist held him.
“Oh chan..,” Nino looked like he didn’t believe it was Ohno who was in front of him. His eyes were glistening, “Oh chan..,” he removed his mask because it made his weak voice incoherent. Both of his hands were reaching for Ohno and his voice became chants of sobs in form of Ohno’s name, “Oh chan, Oh chan, Oh chan..”
Nino was in no condition to think clearly and he got the one he had been longing for for the longest time right in front of him so it was just natural when he kept reaching for Ohno. All that he had in mind was that Ohno was there and he didn’t want Ohno to go. He needed Ohno. He’s afraid that Ohno would leave him.
Ohno knew he should call the doctor but Nino’s eyes got him so bad. Those eyes that he loved so much were filled with tears and a plea - a plea for him to stay.
So he stayed. He climbed the bed and gathered Nino in his embrace because Nino was too weak to move by himself. Nino held onto Ohno’s shirt, burying his head on Ohno’s chest.
“Oh chan, don’t leave me..,” Nino said.
“No, I won’t,” Ohno answered. His throat was caught because he was aware that if anyone was leaving, then it would be Nino, “You don’t leave me too, okay?”
Nino kept pulling Ohno closer, as if he wanted to melt himself into Ohno. Ohno kissed the top of Nino’s head and circled his arm around Nino’s shoulders, feeling how fragile Nino’s body was compared to the last time he had the chance to hug Nino.
It had been almost a year, Ohno realized. Or two, because he pushed Nino away for that long already.
The guilt overpowered Ohno again and he felt his eyes burning. With all the sincerity that he had, he said to Nino the things that he hadn’t been saying directly since too long, “I love you, Kazu. I really love you.”
Nino looked up in surprise and disbelief. Tears were flowing when he asked, “You.. do?”
“I do. I really, really love you. Really,” Ohno repeated, “I’m sorry that I- I didn’t show it enough and that I-”
“Oh chan,” Nino’s faint voice cut Ohno. His eyes were on Ohno’s, “Can I hear it again?”
Ohno was stunned. It made Ohno realize that Nino was really craving for his hints of love. He felt guilty. Really, really, really guilty. Ohno pressed the words to Nino’s skin as he repeated it over and over again, “I love you, Kazu. I really, really love you. I always love you. Always. I love you, I love you, I love you.”
“Again, Oh chan.”
“I love you, Ninomiya Kazunari. From the very first time we met. I love you even if I’m a jerk that did you wrong. I love you even if I didn’t show it. I love you so much,” Ohno kissed Nino’s forehead and he could feel how Nino’s strength was decreasing.
Nino felt overwhelmed but strangely light. All of his surroundings were turning into blur and he could only hear Ohno’s voice, but Nino kept saying, “Again, please?”
And Ohno kept repeating, “I love your eyes. I love your smile. I love how you always take care of everyone in your own way and I love how you always forgive. I love your cooking. I love our dates. I love when you cuddle to me and I love when you say you love me. I love that you made a move on us. I love that you kept us together. I love how you give me time for myself and I love how you’re always there. I love the way you love me. I love you. I love you, Kazu.”
Nino let the tears roll from his eyes to Ohno’s shirt.
“I love the way you think. I love your fresh ideas,” Ohno continued. Then, he remembered something, “Like the picnic. You asked me to go to a picnic, right?”
Nino nodded a bit.
“The beach. You said picnic on the beach. Should we go? Yeah- yeah, we should,” Ohno’s voice was filled with a new light. If anything, he was eager to make things right.
Nino smiled. He could picture it in his head and he was giving in to that beautiful images.
“You don’t like to get your skin burnt, so why don’t we go to the park instead? Watching sakura, yeah? I remember that one time we went to see sakura with the others. I love the shine in your eyes,” Ohno continued, trying to ignore Nino’s loosening grip by placing his hand on top of Nino’s, holding it firm.
Nino managed to nod but his eyes were closing.
“I’ll- I’ll cook you hamburger. It’s been a while but I’ll do my best to cook it for you. You have to eat it all, okay? I love it when you eat a lot,” Ohno kept making promise.
Nino let out some more tears and hid his face completely on Ohno’s chest. The soft line of his lips was forming a smile. He felt like he was drowning and floating at the same time.
“You can bring your games! I’ll accompany you all day. I’ll learn how to play your games too so we can- we can play together, okay?”
Nino didn’t respond and Ohno refused to take it in. Slowly, even Ohno’s voice sounded so far away.
“Therefore, you have to- to get better, okay? Once you’re out from this hospital, I’ll take you to the picnic. I’ll take you to one picnic and another. I’ll fill your days with fun picnics. I’ll show you how much I love you. I’ll say that I love you until you’re tired of it. I’ll repeat it until you don’t have the chance to doubt it anymore. I’ll prove it to you, okay?”
Nino lost his grip. His hand fell limply to the bed.
Ohno held Nino tighter. His tears started to wet the pillow, “I’ll show you that I can make this right. I’ll make us right. I will make you the happiest man on earth, Kazu, so get better, yeah?”
Nino’s body had never been that cold and Ohno did his best to make it warm.
“I love you, Kazu, so you have to get better. You have to. You have to!”
Ohno kept talking and pleading. He kept making promises. He kept saying how much he loved Nino.
When the nurses and the doctor came, he ignored them.
When Sho, Aiba, and Jun came, he said to Nino that their friends would be the witness of him fulfilling his promises.
Ohno kissed Nino again and again. He kept talking and talking and talking. His promises kept flowing from his mouth even when people started to coax him to leave the bed. Even when hands started to rub his back.
Even when the beeping sounds from the heart monitor had long turned into one long final tone of an end.
*******
*******
The day when the funeral was held, light shower was pouring down from the sky. Johnny san had made it so they could have a private funeral, away from the media and such. Nino’s closest friends and family came, but everyone was silent.
Nino was gone.
He was gone and no one wanted to believe it.
Pats and words were given to the rest of Arashi members, but they were numb. They couldn’t process any of it. They refused to.
After the funeral, they went home by themselves.
All of them were lost. They lived, but their minds didn’t want to move on.
Jun had a massive breakdown on the ridiculous jacket that Nino gave to him long time ago.
Sho spent no day without visiting the grave and apologizing for not trying had enough.
Aiba found himself riding the Sobu sen all by himself from one end to another again and again.
They were lost in their own grieves and refused to meet each other for it would bring the memories of Nino in the most painful way ever.
Until one day, their manager called them. For the first time since the funeral, Ohno went out from his apartment.
All of them rushed to Ohno’s apartment at once. Ohno had locked himself inside his apartment since the funeral, spending his days mostly by crying and sleeping. He barely talked at all. Ohno suddenly stepping out from the apartment could mean bad things.
When they arrived, Ohno was back to the apartment already. The curtains were opened, everything was cleaned.
And Ohno was cooking.
“Riida,” Aiba was the first to break the silence, “What are you doing?”
When they stepped inside, they noticed that Ohno was cooking hamburger. Their leader was thin and pale, but he was smiling. The smile was weak but genuine, it sent shiver to their spines.
Ohno wasn’t supposed to be smiling. Something must be wrong.
“Cooking, can’t you see?” Ohno grinned.
“Hamburger?” Sho cautiously asked.
“Yeah. Nino asked for a picnic and I thought it would be nice to cook him hamburger,” Ohno smiled happily. Then he looked down a bit, “I’ve been a jerk, you know. I want to make it right, to show him that I love him.”
Ohno couldn’t be kidding - it would be too rude to do that. And, from all the things that had been prepared around them, they knew that Ohno wasn’t messing around.
“I’ve been a jerk and neglected him. I want to change. I want to treat him right, now. I want to return all of his kindness,” Ohno looked up, straight to his friends’ eyes.
“Satoshi..,” Sho croaked when slowly, sadness seeped through Ohno’s eyes.
Then, tears started to roll down Ohno’s eyes despite the hopeful smile. It was as if Ohno’s mind was refusing to believe that Nino was gone but deep inside, his subconscious knew better.
Then, Ohno asked,
“It’s not too late, is it?”
Finally I finished this one! This one was seriously hard for me. I literally cried while writing it and I'm not even kidding (sighs)
Well, I hope you all enjoyed this one even though it took forever for me to finish it.
Comments are loved!