(no subject)

[gunsnrosez]

Another day, more tears. We broke up last night night, and im feeling more pain as i go throughout the day. I dont know if im going to be okay, but i know that getting everything out and not keeping it bottled up, helps me. When i talk about something, and get everything out, it makes me happy to know that your listening to me, and to what i have to say. Its important to me, and even though today i wanted to cry a million and one times, i want you to know that you still are important to me. Evveything thats happened, i know it happened for a reason. And maybe i will be okay without us together but sometimes i doubt it. Its hard to know you'll probably find someone else and be with them, but to me its like you move on so quickly when i dont. The feelings i have for you cant just go away overnight. Their with me, probably for a while, or maybe not, i dont know. But im trying my hardest not to cry and pout, its just hard. I see you happy, and smileling without me, and i think to myself that you never really wanted us to be together. Maybe this is for the best, but how can it be for the best if im hurting, and your hurting? I dont know the answers to these questions, but i know that i love you, and that for me to get over you, knowing your the only guy i have ever felt this for, is difficult, and takes a while. I cant just go on with my life, but im going to try. I dont know where everything went wrong, and i dont know why i was always apologizing, but for you to hurt me like this, i deserve an apology. Everything that ive been through. It was like i was the only one trying to save this relationship, and the only one who cared. I just want you to tell me how you really feel about me, and not to hold back. I dont know anything anymore. Its all gone downhill, just like i have right now, but im trying my hardest not to. Your right, it is only highschool, and though you've probably had more expeirences with broken hearts, i just cant let everything go. Because truly deep down inside, it was something more to me then just another high school relationship. Relationships i have had in the past havent even come close to this one. I dont know how, but the first time we broke up, i was moving on, and i was happy. But you took that away from me, you kissed me, and acted like i was your girlfriend. I remember people asking me if me and you were going out. I dont know how i got over it the first time, but i still had feelings for you, just like now. I mope around, because i cant truly be happy. Just knowing that you were my boyfriend, my friend, the one who i always had a good time with, is gone. And that is what upsets me. I know were friends, just sometimes, knowing everything thats happened, firends might be hard for me to handle, but im trying my best, and im trying not to cry. I wanted to feel special, i wanted to tell you things,that i never worked up the courage to tell you before, but thats not important now. Friends, im trying my hardest for you. If i start to cry, or start to mope, then just talk me through it. Im doing this for you, and you need to do something for me. As hard as i know the next few days will be, i think ill be alright. My feelings for you wont be gone, but just tucked away, in case for the future, i dont know. Im suprised that, as i write this, i find great strength in myself, for being able to do so. Im hurting, im a mess, im a broken hearted teenager who just lost her first love, something that might not come back. And i would like to say its okay, but its not, because as of right now im not okay, but i know that someday, in the future i will be. I would like to say im fine and happy, but im not fine and happy, im emotional, im stressed, im hurting from places deep down inside that i never have felt before. I would like to say looking at you as my friend doesnt hurt, but it does, because i know that i cant have you like i want right now, so just looking at you, knowing everything thats happened in the past, kills me. But im trying to not let it get to me. I want to be your friend, but i want to be something more. And i know that nothing will probably ever happen again, and its time to deal. Because im tired of feeling like this, i want you, or i want this pain to stop. Its time to deal with everything. I noticed ive matured a lot through everything, and i wanted to thank you for helping me mature.
Ive just lost my boyfriend, my first love, but someday i know its going to be okay. And im looking forward to that day, when im happy again. You know how to make me happy, always.