The Scarlet Letter
Why do we watch so many sad foreign movies in Film class?
Why did Ali: Fear Eats the Soul have gratuitous big black dick shower scene? (not that I'm complaining).
How would I have made it last night if it weren't for Jeremy being at the Table with me so we could stress together?
Why can't I get anything right in GD this semester?
I thought that what Kim said to me before break was enough to haunt, but this morning we kicked it into the next level. She tore into me in class today in front of everyone. It was only five-ish minutes but it seemed longer because of all the awkward silence. I wanted to call her a hypocritical bitch, but I knew she was partially right in what she was saying. But was it necessary to lay into me like that?
Kelly said that she wanted to interject to come to my rescue, but Kim didn't allow any breaks.
Kahara, Kelly, and I have been in the walkway between the library wings. They even bought me a mocha and a cookie to make me feel better (awww <3).
I spent the past three hours thinking and writing Kim and e-mail.
Here's the letter I wrote to Kim. I said what I wanted, but kept it pretty friendly:
Hi,
I hope you don't mind reading an e-mail, but you were still busy with people after class. I've had a giant jumble of feelings all semester. It's hard to articulate them in person and all at once, so I'm making this letter (a format that my friends and I have frequently used to resolve issues and share our feelings in the past). I'm not trying to make an excuse, but an explanation.
Since having Joan last spring I'm pretty much terrified of talking to GD teachers about anything in front of class. It was jarring to be put on the spot in front of 13 of my classmates because it felt more like a crucifixion than a question and answer scenario. I know public speaking is an integral part of being a graphic designer; I have been working on it slowly but surely. The presentation I gave earlier in the semester was the most solid public speaking I've done so far (that may seem sad, but speech class in high school was definitely not an affair to remember). This morning was a total relapse though. Or a landslide. Whichever. I think the most important problems were:
1. I haven't clearly stated my full intent
2. I didn't understand exactly what you were asking and was too afraid to ask for clarification.
3. You are right. I need to do better and think harder.
After class Kahara told me that part of the problem was that I always talk about my project with ambiguity. She knows that I have a rationale because she's heard it, but she feels that I don't articulate it to my classmates well, or that I make too many assumptions about them already knowing it. Or something along those lines. I realized she was right. In class today was probably the first time I ever even said some of the points I was trying to emphasize (that people remember their own handwriting better than typed words, people absorb information while hand writing, that handwriting is just a more personal action in general because everyone's is so distinct and says something about their personality).
When it comes to official class time or talking directly to teachers I try to not speak in absolutes, or to seem too confident, but really it just comes off as uncertainty. And other things that trip me up. It's possible I even seem apathetic or like I haven't done the work, although that is far from the truth. I worry about this project all day every day. When you walked up to my stuff on the wall on the thursday before spring break and said "Uch. Just uch..." that stuck with me all break and made me pretty much afraid to do anything because I feel like I haven't done a single thing all semester that has been suitable. Even if all my stuff so far has been shit I hope you don't think it is for lack of trying.
In GD 1 I reached a big road block in my icon project and didn't know where to go. Joan didn't have anything to say to me because she didn't know what to suggest. I told her that it wasn't for lack of trying, and that I had spent a lot of time trying to come up with different ways to do it. Her response was (paraphrased) 'maybe you shouldn't be in this major then if it's so difficult.' She turned my words against me. And then yelled at me. And then told me that she was too upset to talk to me about it more (HER upset? What about me and the thrashing I had just received?). After that conversation I ditched my icon and redid it from the ground up. It was the same object, but it was totally new. She was finally ok with it. I keep thinking about that situation while going through this semester. Waiting for the point in time where I finally come up with an out-of-left-field idea that turns things around, but that seems ever elusive.
I wasn't sure what you meant when you were talking about meeting the specific needs of UWM students. I thought you were talking about organization, but students don't organize their lives differently based on what school they go to, they organize based on their individual personalities. Which is why the more I thought about different ways of organizing the more I realized that having things as freeform as possible was the best way for people to do what they do and organize to their liking. The bad part being that this leads to oversimplification. It's like the happy medium between implied usage, free space, and logical structure, which is no simple task.
Back to the point, Mike told me after class that when asking about UWM students as a whole, and their needs, that you were likely asking about things like scheduled events, bus routes, class time tables, store hours, contact numbers, dates of exams, and so on. I have every intent of including those, but that goes without saying. I wasn't clear about the question, and was too deer-in-headlights to function. Maybe I still don't understand.
At work on sunday during a brief lull in activity in the warehouse I wrote myself a note on one of our salvage tags:
"In wanting to make something reliable I played it safe, was too literal to the project objective of meeting the students needs and not their wants, and picked something I thought would be reliable. I didn't want to risk making something more unique that people had no real use for or that was too over my head innovation-wise. Kim said to make something that people want and not something that I want them to want. I thought that a planner would be the most pragmatic choice because school supplies are timeless. In doing so I got caught in this box, and in turn became unable of thinking outside of it. I didn't realize that making something so simple seem new would be so difficult. When companies do timeless products that make changes to fit a particular niche. They change the style, materials, and overall presentation/air of the product to fit their target audience. I felt like I was doing that, but because I'm required to make some sort of alteration to the form to create a unique twist I feel lost. I hate this box."
Basically I flail about in my spare time. I feel like it's harder to come up with a unique twist. I think about Kyle and Ryan's and Becky's cookbooks and about what their unique twist is. They aren't really changing the form or usage of cookbooks. There are just as many if not more cookbooks in the world as there are planners to choose from. Kristen isn't changing the way people use posters. Brigette isn't creating a new format for board games. Mike and Claudio are just making collections of images and information for their books. I feel like finding a new way for people to organize time is more than what is being asked of the others. Or over my head. I don't want to make too many changes at the risk of losing universal understanding, utilitarianism, or practical/contiguous usage.
My original idea has backfired on me. Maybe I shouldn't have stuck to it so much? There are just all kinds of things swimming in my head about other people's projects. I have more ideas for them than I do for myself. I keep thinking 'why is Claudio making the book that includes photos of milwaukee and not me?' That's right up my alley. I AM that alley; my camera may as well be an appendage. Or 'why am I proofreading/re-writing Mike's survey and e-mails and website info? why am I not making a book that has risque, humourous content? that's everything i love and more.' In the beginning of the semester I never would have thought that those projects would fly because they weren't based off the needs of UWM students that we culled from assorted surveys. I thought that my planner fit into an essential need of students: school supplies. School supplies are more of necessities than sex books or branding irons. Theoretically.
I don't want to sound like I'm putting down my classmates either; clearly people like Mike M., Dan, Sierra, and others are doing good on their projects. I would expect them to because I definitely regard them as having (noticeably) more talent than I do. I think the hierarchy of our class has been pretty clear since last spring, and I generally find myself at the middle or bottom of the scale. I must be if Joan told me to just quit the program. I refuse to give up that easily though.
I like to work with my classmates together and see what they're doing. I enjoy critiquing projects in small groups where it's not so daunting to speak. In fact, I say quite a bit in groups of five or so. Even though I lost count of the number of times that Kristin rolled her eyes at me in GD 1, or that Kyle and Sierra were distracted by my phraseology. Ultimately I think I have as much right to my opinions as they do, just not in one big group where I feel like everything I say is under the microscope by EVERYONE. I communicate better when it's more personal.
Reigning this in; I didn't realize that doing something "simple" would be so difficult. In turn I take a grass-is-greener point of view about others' projects. I need to stop. And I need to start figuring this out. I didn't anticipate running into this much trouble with the logo. I didn't feel cliched while making them, but apparently that is the mode they are eternally caught in.
Long run, I just wanted to say my piece. Maybe it's weird to send a teacher an e-mail like this, but I feel it's important to talk to people like people, and not just student to teacher or employee to boss. I likely sound whiny or desperate or lame at points throughout this "letter," but I'm just being honest. I prefer being honest, even if I'm being foolish or superfluous. I prefer to keep my flaws at the top of my mind so I never forget about them, and so that I'm most likely to deal with them.
And so on,
Adrian
The three of us skipped Web Design 2.
I sent the teacher Lisa this e-mail:
Kim put me up on a cross and crucified me in front of the whole class today.
Life has been cancelled.
(Do you want me to email you my proposal or just bring it on Thursday?)
- Adrian
Why did Ali: Fear Eats the Soul have gratuitous big black dick shower scene? (not that I'm complaining).
How would I have made it last night if it weren't for Jeremy being at the Table with me so we could stress together?
Why can't I get anything right in GD this semester?
I thought that what Kim said to me before break was enough to haunt, but this morning we kicked it into the next level. She tore into me in class today in front of everyone. It was only five-ish minutes but it seemed longer because of all the awkward silence. I wanted to call her a hypocritical bitch, but I knew she was partially right in what she was saying. But was it necessary to lay into me like that?
Kelly said that she wanted to interject to come to my rescue, but Kim didn't allow any breaks.
Kahara, Kelly, and I have been in the walkway between the library wings. They even bought me a mocha and a cookie to make me feel better (awww <3).
I spent the past three hours thinking and writing Kim and e-mail.
Here's the letter I wrote to Kim. I said what I wanted, but kept it pretty friendly:
Hi,
I hope you don't mind reading an e-mail, but you were still busy with people after class. I've had a giant jumble of feelings all semester. It's hard to articulate them in person and all at once, so I'm making this letter (a format that my friends and I have frequently used to resolve issues and share our feelings in the past). I'm not trying to make an excuse, but an explanation.
Since having Joan last spring I'm pretty much terrified of talking to GD teachers about anything in front of class. It was jarring to be put on the spot in front of 13 of my classmates because it felt more like a crucifixion than a question and answer scenario. I know public speaking is an integral part of being a graphic designer; I have been working on it slowly but surely. The presentation I gave earlier in the semester was the most solid public speaking I've done so far (that may seem sad, but speech class in high school was definitely not an affair to remember). This morning was a total relapse though. Or a landslide. Whichever. I think the most important problems were:
1. I haven't clearly stated my full intent
2. I didn't understand exactly what you were asking and was too afraid to ask for clarification.
3. You are right. I need to do better and think harder.
After class Kahara told me that part of the problem was that I always talk about my project with ambiguity. She knows that I have a rationale because she's heard it, but she feels that I don't articulate it to my classmates well, or that I make too many assumptions about them already knowing it. Or something along those lines. I realized she was right. In class today was probably the first time I ever even said some of the points I was trying to emphasize (that people remember their own handwriting better than typed words, people absorb information while hand writing, that handwriting is just a more personal action in general because everyone's is so distinct and says something about their personality).
When it comes to official class time or talking directly to teachers I try to not speak in absolutes, or to seem too confident, but really it just comes off as uncertainty. And other things that trip me up. It's possible I even seem apathetic or like I haven't done the work, although that is far from the truth. I worry about this project all day every day. When you walked up to my stuff on the wall on the thursday before spring break and said "Uch. Just uch..." that stuck with me all break and made me pretty much afraid to do anything because I feel like I haven't done a single thing all semester that has been suitable. Even if all my stuff so far has been shit I hope you don't think it is for lack of trying.
In GD 1 I reached a big road block in my icon project and didn't know where to go. Joan didn't have anything to say to me because she didn't know what to suggest. I told her that it wasn't for lack of trying, and that I had spent a lot of time trying to come up with different ways to do it. Her response was (paraphrased) 'maybe you shouldn't be in this major then if it's so difficult.' She turned my words against me. And then yelled at me. And then told me that she was too upset to talk to me about it more (HER upset? What about me and the thrashing I had just received?). After that conversation I ditched my icon and redid it from the ground up. It was the same object, but it was totally new. She was finally ok with it. I keep thinking about that situation while going through this semester. Waiting for the point in time where I finally come up with an out-of-left-field idea that turns things around, but that seems ever elusive.
I wasn't sure what you meant when you were talking about meeting the specific needs of UWM students. I thought you were talking about organization, but students don't organize their lives differently based on what school they go to, they organize based on their individual personalities. Which is why the more I thought about different ways of organizing the more I realized that having things as freeform as possible was the best way for people to do what they do and organize to their liking. The bad part being that this leads to oversimplification. It's like the happy medium between implied usage, free space, and logical structure, which is no simple task.
Back to the point, Mike told me after class that when asking about UWM students as a whole, and their needs, that you were likely asking about things like scheduled events, bus routes, class time tables, store hours, contact numbers, dates of exams, and so on. I have every intent of including those, but that goes without saying. I wasn't clear about the question, and was too deer-in-headlights to function. Maybe I still don't understand.
At work on sunday during a brief lull in activity in the warehouse I wrote myself a note on one of our salvage tags:
"In wanting to make something reliable I played it safe, was too literal to the project objective of meeting the students needs and not their wants, and picked something I thought would be reliable. I didn't want to risk making something more unique that people had no real use for or that was too over my head innovation-wise. Kim said to make something that people want and not something that I want them to want. I thought that a planner would be the most pragmatic choice because school supplies are timeless. In doing so I got caught in this box, and in turn became unable of thinking outside of it. I didn't realize that making something so simple seem new would be so difficult. When companies do timeless products that make changes to fit a particular niche. They change the style, materials, and overall presentation/air of the product to fit their target audience. I felt like I was doing that, but because I'm required to make some sort of alteration to the form to create a unique twist I feel lost. I hate this box."
Basically I flail about in my spare time. I feel like it's harder to come up with a unique twist. I think about Kyle and Ryan's and Becky's cookbooks and about what their unique twist is. They aren't really changing the form or usage of cookbooks. There are just as many if not more cookbooks in the world as there are planners to choose from. Kristen isn't changing the way people use posters. Brigette isn't creating a new format for board games. Mike and Claudio are just making collections of images and information for their books. I feel like finding a new way for people to organize time is more than what is being asked of the others. Or over my head. I don't want to make too many changes at the risk of losing universal understanding, utilitarianism, or practical/contiguous usage.
My original idea has backfired on me. Maybe I shouldn't have stuck to it so much? There are just all kinds of things swimming in my head about other people's projects. I have more ideas for them than I do for myself. I keep thinking 'why is Claudio making the book that includes photos of milwaukee and not me?' That's right up my alley. I AM that alley; my camera may as well be an appendage. Or 'why am I proofreading/re-writing Mike's survey and e-mails and website info? why am I not making a book that has risque, humourous content? that's everything i love and more.' In the beginning of the semester I never would have thought that those projects would fly because they weren't based off the needs of UWM students that we culled from assorted surveys. I thought that my planner fit into an essential need of students: school supplies. School supplies are more of necessities than sex books or branding irons. Theoretically.
I don't want to sound like I'm putting down my classmates either; clearly people like Mike M., Dan, Sierra, and others are doing good on their projects. I would expect them to because I definitely regard them as having (noticeably) more talent than I do. I think the hierarchy of our class has been pretty clear since last spring, and I generally find myself at the middle or bottom of the scale. I must be if Joan told me to just quit the program. I refuse to give up that easily though.
I like to work with my classmates together and see what they're doing. I enjoy critiquing projects in small groups where it's not so daunting to speak. In fact, I say quite a bit in groups of five or so. Even though I lost count of the number of times that Kristin rolled her eyes at me in GD 1, or that Kyle and Sierra were distracted by my phraseology. Ultimately I think I have as much right to my opinions as they do, just not in one big group where I feel like everything I say is under the microscope by EVERYONE. I communicate better when it's more personal.
Reigning this in; I didn't realize that doing something "simple" would be so difficult. In turn I take a grass-is-greener point of view about others' projects. I need to stop. And I need to start figuring this out. I didn't anticipate running into this much trouble with the logo. I didn't feel cliched while making them, but apparently that is the mode they are eternally caught in.
Long run, I just wanted to say my piece. Maybe it's weird to send a teacher an e-mail like this, but I feel it's important to talk to people like people, and not just student to teacher or employee to boss. I likely sound whiny or desperate or lame at points throughout this "letter," but I'm just being honest. I prefer being honest, even if I'm being foolish or superfluous. I prefer to keep my flaws at the top of my mind so I never forget about them, and so that I'm most likely to deal with them.
And so on,
Adrian
The three of us skipped Web Design 2.
I sent the teacher Lisa this e-mail:
Kim put me up on a cross and crucified me in front of the whole class today.
Life has been cancelled.
(Do you want me to email you my proposal or just bring it on Thursday?)
- Adrian