i'm in no rush
life gets better on the weekends. a little bit better with each hour more we can spend outdoors. i'm trying to, how did i word it before, enjoy the finer, greater things in life? like laughing, my piano and fresh air. not what you think the coolest new band is, the best way for me to diet, not the cutest tops and not shaggy haired boys. because their happiness is temporary, like the energy of caffeine and sugary foods. they were all just the hershey bar to get through the colds months. while shoe shopping did take my numb mind off of him, i'm now relying on myself. i realized i'm not lonely, only my heart is. because i'm constantly surrounded by comforting people. and because there are 5 girls in my life that i love more than i've ever loved any boy. and my heart can wait, because it's going to be with me forever. the only boys i really opened up to were 2 years or so ago, and that was nothing more than telling them my every weightless thought. i'm going backwards.
i think my lack of interest to go to a party with those people and alcohol amazes her. it amazes me as well, because parties like that were the painting in my mind of what high school would be like. with splashs of bright and dark colors extending onto a canvas, of college filled with a lot of free, new adults. now, i don't know what to expect. i don't want to know. i want the surprise and thrill. i want the disappointment and slight regret, in everything. the "i-hope-the-older-boys-and-their-pretty-girlfriends-like-me" attitude isn't going to matter in 10 years, or even 5. so fit in where you fall. i hope the blurry, clouded thoughts every weekend in your 15 year-old mind are worth it.
i'm thriving for change. it can bring such posotivity, for the best and the better. or it can be horrible, like a homicide scene. the type of horrible change done by other people. and i just can't seem to find the end of the rope to undo it, as desperately as i'm tugging. i will soon find the ends of the heavy rope and free us both. for now, i'm on my own and content. the prettiest faces, the in clothes, and coolest bands wont stop me.
"do you realize, that everyone you know someday will die? and instead of saying all of your good-byes, let them know you realize that life goes fast, it's hard to make the good things last. you realize the sun doesn't go down, it's just an illusion caused by the world spinning round."
(i wrote before posting pictures for a reason.)
here's to acting my age.