Somewhere to write
i usually come here to write down whats goin on in my life, and recently its been all about things i just cant bring myself to tell people. its like my own personal private journal since no one really reads these things. maybe ill look for some new friends on here idk. anyway so lately things have been really bad. i dont mean bad in the sence im out on the streets, i mean just about everything else bad. lets list.
so first and foremost, darnell and i dated for about 3 weeks. and then i started getting upset and scared that he would cheat on me and so we ended up splitting, the best for both of us. well for a bit after, about a week's time, which seemed like an eternity, he didnt talk to me at all. i dont think he really talked to many people. his mother told me he was spending a lot of time sleeping and all. i was devastated at first, but after i talked with my friends for a while, and started looking for new people and meeting someone new, someone great, things calmed down and he finally talked to me again. whats bothering me now is that theres this girl on there that found him through the mobster application who lives in illinois and shes been talking to him for a couple months like theyre together. and when darnell and i were dating she didnt talk to him, well not that i know of. now shes leaving him comments saying things like i cant wait to see you too, but her page is private. shes just another one of those peope i wish he wouldnt talk to, like when he had kara on there and that other italian girl that i cant remember her name right now. what i know is that she lives states away, and even though i am getting to know a great guy, i still feel jealous for some reason. he talks to me too and we have had a great friendship and i want to be his friend, i am still bothered by her. its like competition for me. i dont know why she bothers me so much especially since she lives states away. its just crazy. and i cant bring myself to say something to him because i dont want to upset him, and i def cant say something to stephen because i dont want him to think im obsessing over my ex and that im not ready to be with anyone when im just confused. i thought i fell in love with darnell and i think i still love him, i just dont know. i wanted to see him this weekend but its not going to happen. i wanted to talk to him about it on the phone today but he never ended up calling because he was running late for work. i enjoy the time i spend with stephen, and i barely know him but i want more time with him. but i spent so much time on darnell. i figure this: if he wants me, he's gotta work for me. And these other chicks come and go and ive been there for him through a lot, i mean hell the man has cried to me about some personal issues. and we have done things without a condom which we never ever do! he trusts me THAT much....i just have this feeling in my heart that is so confusing. i think i do have love for him even though i just want him to be my friend unless he is going to work hard for me. he works to talk to people who arent worth his time, who dont do nice things for him, who dont care about him like i do. who arent there for him still, who arent waking up and thinking about him and going to sleep thinking about him. so yeah i guess u could say i still love him. but u know what, right now i am gonna stick to that fact that he has to work for me if he wants me. show me respect, show me that you care about me, comment me on your own, call me and tell me how you feel, want to come and see me and not have to have sex with me. let me know that i am an amazing woman, that i do so much for you and i deserve so much more in return. all my friends know these things, know that im an amazing person with a big heart and that i want him to have it....*tear*....i really wish i had someone to comment on this it would mean a lot to me...
anyway i know i said i had a lot to talk about but this was the biggest thing on my mind. just had to get it off my double d chest (haha).
so first and foremost, darnell and i dated for about 3 weeks. and then i started getting upset and scared that he would cheat on me and so we ended up splitting, the best for both of us. well for a bit after, about a week's time, which seemed like an eternity, he didnt talk to me at all. i dont think he really talked to many people. his mother told me he was spending a lot of time sleeping and all. i was devastated at first, but after i talked with my friends for a while, and started looking for new people and meeting someone new, someone great, things calmed down and he finally talked to me again. whats bothering me now is that theres this girl on there that found him through the mobster application who lives in illinois and shes been talking to him for a couple months like theyre together. and when darnell and i were dating she didnt talk to him, well not that i know of. now shes leaving him comments saying things like i cant wait to see you too, but her page is private. shes just another one of those peope i wish he wouldnt talk to, like when he had kara on there and that other italian girl that i cant remember her name right now. what i know is that she lives states away, and even though i am getting to know a great guy, i still feel jealous for some reason. he talks to me too and we have had a great friendship and i want to be his friend, i am still bothered by her. its like competition for me. i dont know why she bothers me so much especially since she lives states away. its just crazy. and i cant bring myself to say something to him because i dont want to upset him, and i def cant say something to stephen because i dont want him to think im obsessing over my ex and that im not ready to be with anyone when im just confused. i thought i fell in love with darnell and i think i still love him, i just dont know. i wanted to see him this weekend but its not going to happen. i wanted to talk to him about it on the phone today but he never ended up calling because he was running late for work. i enjoy the time i spend with stephen, and i barely know him but i want more time with him. but i spent so much time on darnell. i figure this: if he wants me, he's gotta work for me. And these other chicks come and go and ive been there for him through a lot, i mean hell the man has cried to me about some personal issues. and we have done things without a condom which we never ever do! he trusts me THAT much....i just have this feeling in my heart that is so confusing. i think i do have love for him even though i just want him to be my friend unless he is going to work hard for me. he works to talk to people who arent worth his time, who dont do nice things for him, who dont care about him like i do. who arent there for him still, who arent waking up and thinking about him and going to sleep thinking about him. so yeah i guess u could say i still love him. but u know what, right now i am gonna stick to that fact that he has to work for me if he wants me. show me respect, show me that you care about me, comment me on your own, call me and tell me how you feel, want to come and see me and not have to have sex with me. let me know that i am an amazing woman, that i do so much for you and i deserve so much more in return. all my friends know these things, know that im an amazing person with a big heart and that i want him to have it....*tear*....i really wish i had someone to comment on this it would mean a lot to me...
anyway i know i said i had a lot to talk about but this was the biggest thing on my mind. just had to get it off my double d chest (haha).