just some things on my mind...
Some things that have been on my mind lately. first off id love to start with the fact that i havent been on here in a while, and for those of you who actually read my page im sorry about that. i use myspace and facebook a lot more, but this is more relieving. as most of you know, i have a friend and his name is darnell, my best friend. what is hard is the fact that we both like each other, but he doesnt want a relationship right now. what sucks about that is he had told me before about how he wanted to be with me but after this chick jill screwed him over, he doesnt trust anyone like that. i have feelings for him and i do so much for him and he wants to be on his own. its this waiting game that i hate playing because im such an impatient person. i just dont understand it because he has such passion for me but he wants to be a bachelor too. everyone says i should just be myself and do my own thing and not worry about it and he'll come around; his mother even says that.
i also think about how frustrated i am at home. i know this is all a bunch of rambling and raving and i could be doing something better with my time, but my family doesnt want to do anything with me. what gets to me is that these are the people that ive grown up with all my life, yet their the most judgemental, the most selfish, the most upsetting people ive been around. i guess its because im around them the most but its just so frustrating. i always keep to myself and i always do my own thing, not getting into other people's business, yet they for some reason find it necessary to be in mine constantly. i guess they wanna know more about me, but theres ways of doing that without upsetting me. who really needs to make comments about how i like to watch the game show network and how im going to be a fat old lady with my salisbury steak dinner meals, yelling at my sons to do everything for me. really? is that needed? sometimes i wonder what i do to deserve the shit thats said to me. i feel i am so depressed with my family that the littlest things set me off and i get upset, which is no good. i need to be stronger but sometimes it just doesnt seem like i can be. what bothers me the most is that i dont do a thing to get shit like that said to me or to be treated like crap about what kind of juice im drinking or what kind of music i listen to. do i say those kinds of things to you? no. why do you find it funny to pick on me, to criticize every move i make, every thing i do? it just bothers me so so much and i know it could be worse, i could be out on the streets or being beaten every day but this emotional stress just isn't helping.
it seems the only places im happy are either at work (bath & body works/gillette stadium), with darnell or david (yes my ex david, we're talking again), or with my friends or playing a game. i guess playing a game with someone is something that helps me escape all the issues that are happening around me, all the shit just goes away when im playing a game or watching the game show network or whatever. i dont want to have to think about how this cell phone bill is going to ruin my credit, or how darnell doesnt want to be with me even though i am everything he wants in a woman. im smart, im family oriented, im not ghetto. well whatever thats like a losing battle. and another thing that keeps me from going crazy, and this might sound strange, but shalrie joseph. i had a dream about him last night and it was amazing. he was only in it for about 3 seconds but still. thinking about someone who i may never meet but is really sexy and a great athlete helps me smile. writing down in here helps me out too. i really need to have my own place or be somewhere that will make me happy more because i just feel too run down lately; i just cant take the shit i just cant take not being happy. hopefully something will hit soon....
i apologize for this being so negative too, i just needed to get my feelings down instead of crying or taking them out on someone else. at least i get to go to bath and body today, might not sell anything but ill be happppppppppyyyyyyy :)
i also think about how frustrated i am at home. i know this is all a bunch of rambling and raving and i could be doing something better with my time, but my family doesnt want to do anything with me. what gets to me is that these are the people that ive grown up with all my life, yet their the most judgemental, the most selfish, the most upsetting people ive been around. i guess its because im around them the most but its just so frustrating. i always keep to myself and i always do my own thing, not getting into other people's business, yet they for some reason find it necessary to be in mine constantly. i guess they wanna know more about me, but theres ways of doing that without upsetting me. who really needs to make comments about how i like to watch the game show network and how im going to be a fat old lady with my salisbury steak dinner meals, yelling at my sons to do everything for me. really? is that needed? sometimes i wonder what i do to deserve the shit thats said to me. i feel i am so depressed with my family that the littlest things set me off and i get upset, which is no good. i need to be stronger but sometimes it just doesnt seem like i can be. what bothers me the most is that i dont do a thing to get shit like that said to me or to be treated like crap about what kind of juice im drinking or what kind of music i listen to. do i say those kinds of things to you? no. why do you find it funny to pick on me, to criticize every move i make, every thing i do? it just bothers me so so much and i know it could be worse, i could be out on the streets or being beaten every day but this emotional stress just isn't helping.
it seems the only places im happy are either at work (bath & body works/gillette stadium), with darnell or david (yes my ex david, we're talking again), or with my friends or playing a game. i guess playing a game with someone is something that helps me escape all the issues that are happening around me, all the shit just goes away when im playing a game or watching the game show network or whatever. i dont want to have to think about how this cell phone bill is going to ruin my credit, or how darnell doesnt want to be with me even though i am everything he wants in a woman. im smart, im family oriented, im not ghetto. well whatever thats like a losing battle. and another thing that keeps me from going crazy, and this might sound strange, but shalrie joseph. i had a dream about him last night and it was amazing. he was only in it for about 3 seconds but still. thinking about someone who i may never meet but is really sexy and a great athlete helps me smile. writing down in here helps me out too. i really need to have my own place or be somewhere that will make me happy more because i just feel too run down lately; i just cant take the shit i just cant take not being happy. hopefully something will hit soon....
i apologize for this being so negative too, i just needed to get my feelings down instead of crying or taking them out on someone else. at least i get to go to bath and body today, might not sell anything but ill be happppppppppyyyyyyy :)