My life ; the video game.
I was rummaging around in my purse, and I found an odd ...calico...bar of soap.
"Where the fuck did this come from?" I wondered.
Ah, yes...
...
Craft Fair : Covert Ops
It started out like any other languid August Sunday. I was bored, lonely, unhappy, and hungry. Aha!...This day was slightly different. I had acquired twenty dollars from helping my Aunt use her computer scanner. I kicked down my sister's door and asked her if she had any suggestions as to how we could spend this unexpected windfall.
"Uh....uhhhh...there's an...uhhhhh ...craft fair in Uniontown."
"A craft fair ? You mean where old redneck ladies sell wooden cutouts of teddy bears holding American flags ...AND LOLLIPOPS! Toni, you're a genius. We're going."
I informed my mom that I was taking her car, and I skipped merrily down the street ; my sister and Charro in tow. I think my sister called me a fag, but I was skipping merrily, not gaily. God.
We drove approximately forty minutes until we reached the "Fayette County Fairgrounds." The masses of little booths and pickup trucks were proof positive that there was indeed some sort of fair going on that day.
We trudged to the gates, and our hopes of free caramel-coated cashews were quickly dashed when we read the sign on the front of the ticket booth ; "Admission : 12 $ Adults. "
TWELVE FUCKING DOLLARS?! That's highway robbery ! Seriously, the place is right next to a highway. Even if I were willing to pay that much money, there were three of us and I only had $20 and my sister only had $5. Charro had not robbed any houses or dealt any drugs that day, so he was of course penniless. I was tempted to leave Charro to rot in the sweltering car, but my sister would have none of that.
"Let's go home." she said, quite simply. Yep, we had driven allll that way, and she wanted to just turn around. It was quite an opportune time for one of my grandiose speeches.
"Toni, if you would have had the sense to play video games, you would know that the heroes do not just 'go home' when they get turned away at the fortress gates ! "
"Huh? "
"They don't go home ! Then the game would suck ! You know what they do ?! They sneak in through the poorly-guarded back entrance."
"How are we going to do that?"
"This place is huge. They haven't the manpower to secure the perimeter! There has to be a weakness, and I'll find it. "
We left civilization and all of its trappings, and walked determinedly around the edge of the fence surrounding the fairgrounds. After traversing a fair amount of space and finding nothing but a 12-foot high fence , my suspicions of a poorly-guarded back entrance were confirmed. The fence at 'the back' was lower ; approximately 6 feet high. There were no people or craft booths on the other side of the fence ; just a bunch of motor homes (it was a traveling craft fair). I figured somehow we could scale that fence and then blend into the crowd.
BLAST!
There was a sentry. It was an old man driving some sort of...tractor locomotive full of children.
We had to study his pattern if we were to make it inside the craft fair undetected. Because the guards in a video game always have a pattern.
The three of us ducked behind some hay bales and watched tensely as the train chugged past.
He seemed to take the locomotive through these three...barns, and then through the parking lot near where we were standing. He also rang this little bell on his engine car , which would serve as a warning to us that his arrival was imminent. He seemed to take approximately two minutes to finish his route. That was not enough time for my pansy-ass to climb over a fence. Fuck.
Thankfully, someone else had the same idea as us, and there was section of the fence that was bent upwards. If I crawled on my belly, you know, like in boot camp, I could easily make it inside the fairgrounds.
The three of us decided that this was the best route, and as soon as the old man was out of sight we slithered under the fence. We then slowly integrated ourselves into the craft fair, hiding stealth-style behind various objects as we moved towards the crowd.
We were in. For Free. Ha ha, all those other suckers had to pay !
The worst part was that the craft fair generally sucked. I honestly would have been pissed off if I had to pay $3 for it, let alone $12. Of course my sister and I walked around griping about how much of a rip-off the place was.
My sister called my mom and told her how we got in, and my mom gave her a big speech about how she was a bad kid with no morals. Then, my sister said "Hey, it was all BETH! "
and my mom changed her tune to, "That's my Bethie. She is so clever. She always figures something out."
ha ha ha
With our objective having been successfully completed with no casualties, we triumphantly drove further on down the road to Pechins. Pechins is that awesome complex of stores that I told you about with the rickety wooden floors + 15 cent "hamburgers" made out of badly rendered raccoon carcasses. Ummm..I mean "100 % beef." Anyway, we have to go to Pechins when you guys visit. I got Sunkist Fruit gems there, and those are fucking awesome.
THE END
"Where the fuck did this come from?" I wondered.
Ah, yes...
...
Craft Fair : Covert Ops
It started out like any other languid August Sunday. I was bored, lonely, unhappy, and hungry. Aha!...This day was slightly different. I had acquired twenty dollars from helping my Aunt use her computer scanner. I kicked down my sister's door and asked her if she had any suggestions as to how we could spend this unexpected windfall.
"Uh....uhhhh...there's an...uhhhhh ...craft fair in Uniontown."
"A craft fair ? You mean where old redneck ladies sell wooden cutouts of teddy bears holding American flags ...AND LOLLIPOPS! Toni, you're a genius. We're going."
I informed my mom that I was taking her car, and I skipped merrily down the street ; my sister and Charro in tow. I think my sister called me a fag, but I was skipping merrily, not gaily. God.
We drove approximately forty minutes until we reached the "Fayette County Fairgrounds." The masses of little booths and pickup trucks were proof positive that there was indeed some sort of fair going on that day.
We trudged to the gates, and our hopes of free caramel-coated cashews were quickly dashed when we read the sign on the front of the ticket booth ; "Admission : 12 $ Adults. "
TWELVE FUCKING DOLLARS?! That's highway robbery ! Seriously, the place is right next to a highway. Even if I were willing to pay that much money, there were three of us and I only had $20 and my sister only had $5. Charro had not robbed any houses or dealt any drugs that day, so he was of course penniless. I was tempted to leave Charro to rot in the sweltering car, but my sister would have none of that.
"Let's go home." she said, quite simply. Yep, we had driven allll that way, and she wanted to just turn around. It was quite an opportune time for one of my grandiose speeches.
"Toni, if you would have had the sense to play video games, you would know that the heroes do not just 'go home' when they get turned away at the fortress gates ! "
"Huh? "
"They don't go home ! Then the game would suck ! You know what they do ?! They sneak in through the poorly-guarded back entrance."
"How are we going to do that?"
"This place is huge. They haven't the manpower to secure the perimeter! There has to be a weakness, and I'll find it. "
We left civilization and all of its trappings, and walked determinedly around the edge of the fence surrounding the fairgrounds. After traversing a fair amount of space and finding nothing but a 12-foot high fence , my suspicions of a poorly-guarded back entrance were confirmed. The fence at 'the back' was lower ; approximately 6 feet high. There were no people or craft booths on the other side of the fence ; just a bunch of motor homes (it was a traveling craft fair). I figured somehow we could scale that fence and then blend into the crowd.
BLAST!
There was a sentry. It was an old man driving some sort of...tractor locomotive full of children.
We had to study his pattern if we were to make it inside the craft fair undetected. Because the guards in a video game always have a pattern.
The three of us ducked behind some hay bales and watched tensely as the train chugged past.
He seemed to take the locomotive through these three...barns, and then through the parking lot near where we were standing. He also rang this little bell on his engine car , which would serve as a warning to us that his arrival was imminent. He seemed to take approximately two minutes to finish his route. That was not enough time for my pansy-ass to climb over a fence. Fuck.
Thankfully, someone else had the same idea as us, and there was section of the fence that was bent upwards. If I crawled on my belly, you know, like in boot camp, I could easily make it inside the fairgrounds.
The three of us decided that this was the best route, and as soon as the old man was out of sight we slithered under the fence. We then slowly integrated ourselves into the craft fair, hiding stealth-style behind various objects as we moved towards the crowd.
We were in. For Free. Ha ha, all those other suckers had to pay !
The worst part was that the craft fair generally sucked. I honestly would have been pissed off if I had to pay $3 for it, let alone $12. Of course my sister and I walked around griping about how much of a rip-off the place was.
My sister called my mom and told her how we got in, and my mom gave her a big speech about how she was a bad kid with no morals. Then, my sister said "Hey, it was all BETH! "
and my mom changed her tune to, "That's my Bethie. She is so clever. She always figures something out."
ha ha ha
With our objective having been successfully completed with no casualties, we triumphantly drove further on down the road to Pechins. Pechins is that awesome complex of stores that I told you about with the rickety wooden floors + 15 cent "hamburgers" made out of badly rendered raccoon carcasses. Ummm..I mean "100 % beef." Anyway, we have to go to Pechins when you guys visit. I got Sunkist Fruit gems there, and those are fucking awesome.
THE END