It's a little bit funny
So, it's been awhile. Awhile since I've been in anything more than a short term relationship. I think about this and I both smile at myself and shake my head. Growing up, I was always afraid to be the one left behind. And as I grew, I learned that people always leave. Sometimes for no discernable reason. You'll love them with everything in you, and they'll just be gone.
Sometimes, I was the one that severed the relationship. I always did my best to let those people know why. Because, you see, I know how it is to be on the other end of that spectrum. Sometimes, to retain sanity and life you have to walk away. It doesn't mean you don't care, and it certainly doesn't mean that you think less of the person you're leaving. It's just time.
So I'm sitting here contemplating life, and all the little quirks that are currently in mine. Males, life, critters, work, family and friends. They're all there. And somedays my life is overwhelming. I protect what's mine, I always have. And then it all just explodes and I have to decide, to triage, what needs protecting first.
It's difficult.
It's taken me a long time in this life to learn that I can not help you if I am unable to help myself first. So I have learned that if there is something I need (not just want) but need in order to survive, I need to work on that first.
And I've learned that some people only hang around to see what they get from you. To see what tidbits that they can take back to someone that is no longer in your life, or wishes you harm. After all, I don't expect every single person out there to love me. I've made enemies, and I accept this. I've had people tell me they hate me to my face.
And you know what? It makes me laugh every damned time.
So I've learned to assess who deserves my time. If you've bent over backward, display loyalty and honor toward me or mine, I will count you top of my priority list. Cut and dried.
I will give you everything I have the power to do, as long as I can.
However, the moment you tread on the space over someone that is also important to me I will flip my switch as fast as can be. I will protect what's mine, from myself, and from others. At no point in time do you have any right to tell me that you're more important than someone else to me. I decide that.
Yes, there is a point to this. Someone who has been in my life a few months now made that choice last night. Called me in need of help, and I was willing to help them. Once I assessed that they were, in fact, safe, but just needed a shoulder I explained that I was out with friends about an hour and a half away from where they were. I explained that I had to drop my other friend off at home and that I could be there in about 2 hours.
His response? "Fuck your friend".
EXCUSE ME? I don't think so. You see, this friend has been there for me. Every time I've needed her she's stepped up to the plate and had my back. Whether I needed a boot to the ass or a shoulder to lean on. I've been there for her every time she's needed it as well. From being her birthing partner because baby daddy's an asshat, to getting her a vacation because she has been overwhelmed. She's like a sister to me.
So, no. You don't get to say that shit to me.
So I sit down and I contemplate. I've had my short term relationships. I've had a very long term relationship with someone I loved more than life itself. And I contemplate why I'm not currently finding anyone that fits the long term for me. And I've noticed a pattern. It's really quite simple. These guys that I invite into my life, there's something there that interests me and makes me notice them. They have qualities I like, but something happens. Something that triggers my lockdown response. I let them get so close and then I shut down. No closer, no sir.
You Shall Not Pass.
And I realize, my biggest fear? It's no longer being left alone, or left behind. It's a fear that I'm afraid that I will never let anyone as close as I could again. For fear of betrayal.
We're not saying I don't care about people, and that I don't love them. Because I do that freely. I even tell people and it scares them shitless because clearly if I have emotions they need to do something right now to rectify the situation. Which isn't true. I'm not afraid to care, and I'm certainly not afraid to love. I'm more than willing to give myself freely to people.
I'm just not willing to give them all of me.
Perhaps I just haven't met the right person. This cliche could be true. I do know that those that I have been dating off and on have certainly shown me many attributes I love and hate. I don't expect the perfect person. After all, I'm human too. So maybe someday I'll find the right one that won't make me kneejerk lockdown. Or who will decide to push despite the lockdown.
You never know. It could happen.
Till then, I'm actually quite happy. My knee is healing, I have a job that I enjoy and is steady good work. And my critters are well. I have many good friends, and a ton of acquaintences. When I want companionship I can find it. When I want to be alone I can do that too.
Life ain't half bad.
Sometimes, I was the one that severed the relationship. I always did my best to let those people know why. Because, you see, I know how it is to be on the other end of that spectrum. Sometimes, to retain sanity and life you have to walk away. It doesn't mean you don't care, and it certainly doesn't mean that you think less of the person you're leaving. It's just time.
So I'm sitting here contemplating life, and all the little quirks that are currently in mine. Males, life, critters, work, family and friends. They're all there. And somedays my life is overwhelming. I protect what's mine, I always have. And then it all just explodes and I have to decide, to triage, what needs protecting first.
It's difficult.
It's taken me a long time in this life to learn that I can not help you if I am unable to help myself first. So I have learned that if there is something I need (not just want) but need in order to survive, I need to work on that first.
And I've learned that some people only hang around to see what they get from you. To see what tidbits that they can take back to someone that is no longer in your life, or wishes you harm. After all, I don't expect every single person out there to love me. I've made enemies, and I accept this. I've had people tell me they hate me to my face.
And you know what? It makes me laugh every damned time.
So I've learned to assess who deserves my time. If you've bent over backward, display loyalty and honor toward me or mine, I will count you top of my priority list. Cut and dried.
I will give you everything I have the power to do, as long as I can.
However, the moment you tread on the space over someone that is also important to me I will flip my switch as fast as can be. I will protect what's mine, from myself, and from others. At no point in time do you have any right to tell me that you're more important than someone else to me. I decide that.
Yes, there is a point to this. Someone who has been in my life a few months now made that choice last night. Called me in need of help, and I was willing to help them. Once I assessed that they were, in fact, safe, but just needed a shoulder I explained that I was out with friends about an hour and a half away from where they were. I explained that I had to drop my other friend off at home and that I could be there in about 2 hours.
His response? "Fuck your friend".
EXCUSE ME? I don't think so. You see, this friend has been there for me. Every time I've needed her she's stepped up to the plate and had my back. Whether I needed a boot to the ass or a shoulder to lean on. I've been there for her every time she's needed it as well. From being her birthing partner because baby daddy's an asshat, to getting her a vacation because she has been overwhelmed. She's like a sister to me.
So, no. You don't get to say that shit to me.
So I sit down and I contemplate. I've had my short term relationships. I've had a very long term relationship with someone I loved more than life itself. And I contemplate why I'm not currently finding anyone that fits the long term for me. And I've noticed a pattern. It's really quite simple. These guys that I invite into my life, there's something there that interests me and makes me notice them. They have qualities I like, but something happens. Something that triggers my lockdown response. I let them get so close and then I shut down. No closer, no sir.
You Shall Not Pass.
And I realize, my biggest fear? It's no longer being left alone, or left behind. It's a fear that I'm afraid that I will never let anyone as close as I could again. For fear of betrayal.
We're not saying I don't care about people, and that I don't love them. Because I do that freely. I even tell people and it scares them shitless because clearly if I have emotions they need to do something right now to rectify the situation. Which isn't true. I'm not afraid to care, and I'm certainly not afraid to love. I'm more than willing to give myself freely to people.
I'm just not willing to give them all of me.
Perhaps I just haven't met the right person. This cliche could be true. I do know that those that I have been dating off and on have certainly shown me many attributes I love and hate. I don't expect the perfect person. After all, I'm human too. So maybe someday I'll find the right one that won't make me kneejerk lockdown. Or who will decide to push despite the lockdown.
You never know. It could happen.
Till then, I'm actually quite happy. My knee is healing, I have a job that I enjoy and is steady good work. And my critters are well. I have many good friends, and a ton of acquaintences. When I want companionship I can find it. When I want to be alone I can do that too.
Life ain't half bad.