Misery, Hope, and a Valley of Great Ideas.
Note to self: when planning on working hard one should probably sleep a little in between working shifts. It would appear that a.) you really DO need your brain some days, b.) your body functions better when you get sleep, and c.)you're able to control your emotions a shit ton better when you sleep.
So, idiot, sleep tonight. You need it. You have to be AWESOME tomorrow at work.
The last month or so has been full of this strange breath of anticipation in the air. It's like every day I wake up and life is just telling me that something's coming. I don't know what. I can feel it in the thrill over my skin some days. The kiss of the air on my face. I can't explain it except in textures and feelings.
It haunts my dreams and shows me things. Not in detail, but in dream detail. Things that would make sense no other place make sense there. And that feeling of anticipation, of change, of "spring" in a sense is still there.
Before the marriage ended I was always feeling like I was bottled up, chained up inside myself. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't feel, I couldn't think. To think the words was to make everything real and the world would come crashing down again. It was a horrible feeling, one that still takes my breath away, even in memory.
This almost feels like I'm ready to fly. Like everything's changed in a way that's going to let me soar. I don't know what I'm waiting for in a complete sense. I DO know what I'm waiting for in a multitude of things. I DO know what I've been healing, growing, and aiming for. I just don't know why the anticipation. Why the feeling of happiness incoming.
I don't know if I was born with an insane reservoir of hope, or if it was something my family started teaching me young. I believe that everyone deserves a choice, and everyone has the chance to change things for the better. Including me. Including you. And sometimes, on the rougher days of life, the ability to make those choices keeps me rolling when everything else is screeching to a stop.
Anyway it rolls, even when I'm as exhausted as I am today. With the cluster that work was today, and me ending my day just wanting to come home and crawl into a ball and hide, I won't hide. That inner resilience and feeling of anticipation is telling me today is just another day. In the end this day is just a footstep on the way to what I am dreaming of all the time.
sometimes I wonder if I really do sound like the fruitcake I think I sound like in my head ;P
So, idiot, sleep tonight. You need it. You have to be AWESOME tomorrow at work.
The last month or so has been full of this strange breath of anticipation in the air. It's like every day I wake up and life is just telling me that something's coming. I don't know what. I can feel it in the thrill over my skin some days. The kiss of the air on my face. I can't explain it except in textures and feelings.
It haunts my dreams and shows me things. Not in detail, but in dream detail. Things that would make sense no other place make sense there. And that feeling of anticipation, of change, of "spring" in a sense is still there.
Before the marriage ended I was always feeling like I was bottled up, chained up inside myself. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't feel, I couldn't think. To think the words was to make everything real and the world would come crashing down again. It was a horrible feeling, one that still takes my breath away, even in memory.
This almost feels like I'm ready to fly. Like everything's changed in a way that's going to let me soar. I don't know what I'm waiting for in a complete sense. I DO know what I'm waiting for in a multitude of things. I DO know what I've been healing, growing, and aiming for. I just don't know why the anticipation. Why the feeling of happiness incoming.
I don't know if I was born with an insane reservoir of hope, or if it was something my family started teaching me young. I believe that everyone deserves a choice, and everyone has the chance to change things for the better. Including me. Including you. And sometimes, on the rougher days of life, the ability to make those choices keeps me rolling when everything else is screeching to a stop.
Anyway it rolls, even when I'm as exhausted as I am today. With the cluster that work was today, and me ending my day just wanting to come home and crawl into a ball and hide, I won't hide. That inner resilience and feeling of anticipation is telling me today is just another day. In the end this day is just a footstep on the way to what I am dreaming of all the time.
sometimes I wonder if I really do sound like the fruitcake I think I sound like in my head ;P