late night rambling
Today I went through and read all of my journal entries from the time I was diagnosed with cancer until six months post remission. I forgot how truly difficult that time was for me, and how positively great my friends were throughout that time. It is just about five years since I've been in remission, and that seems hard to believe. Since then I have finished college, started dating Gregg, got a "real" job, and moved in with Gregg. This has been my life for more than 3 years now. It's weird to think that Gregg and I didn't even know each other when I was sick. I'm obviously extremely happy that I have been generally healthy for the past five years. I still have some constant reminders of what I've been through, though. In tank top season I always notice my radiation tattoos and scars more. They usually don't bother me, but at times I just wish they weren't there. What really still bothers me is my neuropathy. When I read back over my old entries, I saw that I wrote about side effects from cancer treatment potentially lasting years or my entire life (despite doctors telling me otherwise). It looks like in the case of my neuropathy this might happen. I stopped taking medication because I didn't like the way it made me feel, but my feet almost constantly hurt. I don't usually talk to people about this, and I'm not sure why. Neuropathy is numbness/tingling pain due to nerve damage. Mine comes as a direct result of one of the chemotherapy drugs I was given. I have had it for more than five years now, and although it is better than it once was, I don't think it will ever completely go away. I have learned to live with it for the most part, and continue to walk, ride my bike, etc. But at times I'm bitter that I have to carry around this permanent reminder of what cancer did to me.