Moan.
I'm a little lost.
I really, really, really dont know what to do or say...
I miss him so much.
I despise that I do.
But I do.
There are huge ups and downs.
There are times when I feel on top of the world and like it was definitely for the best, and this and that, and YEAH HE'LL BE FUCKIN SORRY!
But then...
There are the downs...where all I want is to be able to say to him that I still love him, and for him to openly say it back.
I went out and kissed a few guys last week once I was back at uni, and at first it was like FUCK YEAH! POWER! WHO NEEDS MIKE!!
But...I know...I KNOW deep down that I hated it. I hated that it wasnt him, and that in order to make myself feel better I had to go and do that.
And we're so up and down...We have periods where we just barely carry conversation on msn and stuff, and then times when we're....well, we're like the best of friends, the friends we were long before we ever went out.
And its that that just...feels amazing.
When it's like that, I feel so happy, cause I have this hope that we can bring things back to normality...or something that we can actually be happy with...a closeness that doesnt involve....romance.
But like
I cant even explain it....there's something...Last week I was flying high, i kept saying, no no no, i will never take him back, it's not happening.
But after last night.
Christ.
It was possibly the most open he ever was with me....He told me the thought of me doing anything with other guys killed him....and that I was the One thing in his life that hadn't fallen apart, and he'd torn that down and hurt me in the process. He said he felt utterly ridiculous and like i'd moved on 50 times faster, flaunted that I was the more attractive one in the realtionship, made him more concerned about my drinking than ever, and made admitting that he made a mistake something almost impossible to do....
I was so floored, I just didn't know what to do or say. I said I was sorry, but thats not what had been intended, I had infact been trying to help myself in some bizzare way.
We carried on for some time.
And I was crying.
And I think he was crying too.
It was about 5am.
And he just said, I'm going to bed, I can hardly type like this....
And then quick as a flash.....
Goodnight, xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx I love you.
And he was gone.
And...Christ. I am just...I love him too, I have not once in the 3 weeks since we broke up believed that I didnt love him anymore. I honestly believed it was the other way around.
But now what?
Every couple of days we have deep and meaningfuls, cry ridiculously, declare love, and then try to forget about it?!
I just cant do that, its ridiculously tiring and hurtful. But I cant NOT speak to him either.....he was one of my best friends for a long time before we even got together....and it just wouldnt be right.
And to be fair, the twisted side of me enjoys hearing that he loves me. Because...well, its what I crave. Its what I miss most. Its how I feel too. I feel useless.
My course is shit this term. I have no energy ever, and the worst timetable ever.
I dont know what to do.
I just...I just want to....feel him again...Like physically hug him and just...breathe in his smell and just....I dont know.
Desolation is a terrible place.
I really, really, really dont know what to do or say...
I miss him so much.
I despise that I do.
But I do.
There are huge ups and downs.
There are times when I feel on top of the world and like it was definitely for the best, and this and that, and YEAH HE'LL BE FUCKIN SORRY!
But then...
There are the downs...where all I want is to be able to say to him that I still love him, and for him to openly say it back.
I went out and kissed a few guys last week once I was back at uni, and at first it was like FUCK YEAH! POWER! WHO NEEDS MIKE!!
But...I know...I KNOW deep down that I hated it. I hated that it wasnt him, and that in order to make myself feel better I had to go and do that.
And we're so up and down...We have periods where we just barely carry conversation on msn and stuff, and then times when we're....well, we're like the best of friends, the friends we were long before we ever went out.
And its that that just...feels amazing.
When it's like that, I feel so happy, cause I have this hope that we can bring things back to normality...or something that we can actually be happy with...a closeness that doesnt involve....romance.
But like
I cant even explain it....there's something...Last week I was flying high, i kept saying, no no no, i will never take him back, it's not happening.
But after last night.
Christ.
It was possibly the most open he ever was with me....He told me the thought of me doing anything with other guys killed him....and that I was the One thing in his life that hadn't fallen apart, and he'd torn that down and hurt me in the process. He said he felt utterly ridiculous and like i'd moved on 50 times faster, flaunted that I was the more attractive one in the realtionship, made him more concerned about my drinking than ever, and made admitting that he made a mistake something almost impossible to do....
I was so floored, I just didn't know what to do or say. I said I was sorry, but thats not what had been intended, I had infact been trying to help myself in some bizzare way.
We carried on for some time.
And I was crying.
And I think he was crying too.
It was about 5am.
And he just said, I'm going to bed, I can hardly type like this....
And then quick as a flash.....
Goodnight, xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx I love you.
And he was gone.
And...Christ. I am just...I love him too, I have not once in the 3 weeks since we broke up believed that I didnt love him anymore. I honestly believed it was the other way around.
But now what?
Every couple of days we have deep and meaningfuls, cry ridiculously, declare love, and then try to forget about it?!
I just cant do that, its ridiculously tiring and hurtful. But I cant NOT speak to him either.....he was one of my best friends for a long time before we even got together....and it just wouldnt be right.
And to be fair, the twisted side of me enjoys hearing that he loves me. Because...well, its what I crave. Its what I miss most. Its how I feel too. I feel useless.
My course is shit this term. I have no energy ever, and the worst timetable ever.
I dont know what to do.
I just...I just want to....feel him again...Like physically hug him and just...breathe in his smell and just....I dont know.
Desolation is a terrible place.