(no subject)
Its over.
I feel so numb.
My body physically hurts from crying.
And I just don't know what to do with myself or my time.
How the hell did I become this in the space of 7 months?...
We'd arranged to meet at a cafe to just talk...
I arrived knowing that I didnt want things to end, but also had to draw some lines....So when we sat down i said what i had to say
Said it was hurtful that his letter had a- been so impersonal, b- said i didnt know or understand him at all (made a point about the little things like knowing how he takes his tea, or how he flares up in religious debates could mean just as much) and how could he expect me to understand him fully if he never told me what was going through his mind....
Which lead me onto say it was unfair of him to say that i felt shit just cause of my own need for affection without acknowledging the clash of that AND his own personality and supposed natural moodiness...
Said how hurt i was by the love thing and him not telling me sooner. But thankyou for telling me at all, cause it was a huge reality check. Said I was angry that he hadnt mentioned the physical thing to me sooner, considering he said he's been thinking about it since before Uni...If he'd said something, i'd have made an effort to sort it...
Said how him not telling me sooner about him not loving me as much as I do him has potentially shaken the entire foundation of our relationship...Considering that the whole reason I waited to have sex with anyone for the first time was because I wanted them to care about me just as much as I did them...And I though in him i'd found that...But now I realise too late that I hadn't at all....And said that ironically, had he told me about the Love thing sooner, the issue of us being more physical than emotional wouldnt even exist because I wouldnt have had sex with him.
Said I still loved him, and that he'd hurt me, immensely...But that i would be willing to carry on, but not if he didnt think there was ever any chance that he'd work towards or be open to the idea of him loving me equally, cause i just couldnt bare that forever.
And he said he was sorry for hurting me, for not telling me sooner, he wasnt trying to lay all the blame on me, and he did still love me and care about me
but he didnt think that his affection or love could get much more than it is
and i just looked away
and my eyes starting filling with tears cause i knew what that meant...
so i like choked out the words "so then..."
and he said "yeah i dont know if we should be doing this...I dont want to be with someone who i dont feel the same thing for"
and i just...yeah, we sat and talked for like an hour...just bullshit...waffle y'know, filling in the gaps, saying extra add ons here and there...I asked if this wouldnt have happened if i'd not sent that first email...he said no, i dont think it would have...but it wouldnt have been happy. I said, yes it would. becasue its happened before and i just hacked it till it was over and then it was bliss again. If i'd just hacked it a little bit more, none of this would have happened. The realisation of that churned up this horrible hot bubble of self hatred. Its still here.
he said bout how the last 7 months have been by far the best and this relationship the strongest etc
and i said, yeah
he said he was sorry
i said i was sorry too...
the whole time, we're sat in this fucking cafe, holding hands....
and im fucking tearing it but not like proper heaving
and then i say after this hour, can we just go somewhere please
(we'd also given each other our xmas presents)
so we walk out onto the high street
and like...him being next to me and not holding my hand, was like...just a completely unbearable experience of this new reality for me....
and i kind of went a bit emotionally mental and started walking really fast, dont remember it well, cause the tears were like...coming strong...just trundled down the high street not really knowing where i was going or what i was looking for, with tears streaming down my face...
saw these benches like kind of away from the high street and made a beeline for them
just threw myself down and started sobbing
he sat down next to me and just hugged me and rubbed my back and stuff to keep me warm and comfort me
while im sat there like crying harder than ive ever cried in my fucking life
he kept saying "im sorry"
i kept saying "i cant believe this is it"
i said i was gonna miss him so much, he said the same
said some stuff bout how we still wanted to be friends
i cried harder than eveerrrr...
it lasted from like 4 till 5
and then i was like, just completely fucked....
couldnt see my eyes were so swollen and i couldnt breathe properly...
and i stopped like heaving and sobbing
and just looked at him, and i thought if i dont get up and walk away now i never will...
so i just leaned in and kissed him on the last chime of 5, and stood up, said exactly that...and walked away.
And that was it. That's how my relationship with Him ended.
I still love him. I'm gonna miss him. I wasn't ready for this. But...I have to get over it. And him...I have to get over you, Mike.