Update.
I've pretty much closed myself off from society for the time being, like I said I would earlier in my LJ (huzzah~ self-masturbatory-linking). I apologize only to my family and a few close friends (Andy, Nerissa, *thinks* ..Levon... Sarah.. Malisa, Christine... That's it, I think. Ohp, nope, C-Bass.). Everyone else can suck it (because I don't talk with you that much to begin with anyways, or because you live with me and get to see me by default *smile*)
I mean, as long as I've got some civility about it, I can be a quiet hermit and do my own thing. That thing happens to be thinking in solitude and appeasing the masses by letting them know I'm alive (eg this post.. I know, "soooooo hard" to just talk to people, right? Yeesh.). The only real bitchy, stupid really, thing I've done is not acknowledge people's birthdays and holidays, because I'm so self-absorbed right now. It's not like I wanted to spite people by doing that. I'm just focused on making myself work at the moment that I forget about "trivial" stuff like that. I know it's not trivial, and it isn't trivial, but currently in my grand scheme of things, it is.
You guys know how I am, and that I wouldn't be this way if things were going fantastic right now. So I cut myself off from you for your sake, but for some reason people seem to actually care about me. Fancy that, huh? Or maybe I've just become more serious. Not in a bad way. I just don't take to frivolous crap much anymore. Which is good, since that's actually what I've been going for this past year: bare essentials, stay focused, yadda yadda.
I really should be just more forthwright with people. It may not be nice, but the truth has always been my policy, and I believe, the best policy. People respect the truth, not nice. It's true. Think of me trying to be all side-ways wishy washy asking you a favor. I should just spit it out. I hate begging, which is why I never ask for anything unless I'm really desperate. I -am- proud, and you just can't kill that out of me. I -am-
AHH HA HA soooooo EMO! For fuck's sake!
Anyways, everyone knows I'm stubborn. But I'm stubborn on things when I know I'm right. :-P
I know, I KNOW. It irritates me too, even, but stubborness is in my blood. It's the fuel I run off of. It's how I work when nothing else does.
So I wonder how ..oh gosh, what was his name.. Ronaldo? The guy I hung out with at Coachella 2003. Lily, help me out. I wonder how he's doing now. It just randomly hit me just right now. Outta left field. Like a transvestite drag queen dominatrix.
Fuck yeah.
So Boba Loca is hiring, once again, just down the street from where I'm squatting. Bastards should've just hired me in the first place to begin with. I mean, I'm still looking elsewhere for a second job, but it'd be nice to keep the second night job in the Koreatown/Los Feliz/Echo Park/Downtown area. I don't want to come back to Downtown from school in Santa Monica, then head back to Santa Monica for work, then come back again to "rest." NO. -Torture.- Wasting two hours+ on the bus every day of my life... Well, not torture, but I only have so long to live!
I'd like to save up for a scooter. I'd like to save up for FOOD, but we'll see about that.
*writing in progresso from this point forthwith*
I re-established communication with la familia finally. I -am- a bitch for that. And I'm sorry I put them through that, although I'm also -not- sorry. Notice my egregious use of hyphens for emphasis. Wowie. I'm not sorry because in my bitchy way, they should learn to worry their fucking heads off a little less and trust that if I really am in a bind, I'd call them.
I know, I know, you're all saying, "FUCK, MARIA, you -are- in a bind." No I'm not. I'm just stubborn. I'll get my way eventually. I'm just a beeyatch.
It's kind of sickening though, to think that, yes, my father lost weight, my mother's been crying every night, my sister claims to have even called off her engagement (First it was her wedding earlier this year, but that was before the missing person incident; however, I wouldn't mind her calling off her engagement if only to give her more time to feel her S.O. out.. 9 months is too short a time to jump into marriage, methinks, but then again, I'm not planning to get married until I'm 35, if even that, so whatevs), and tells me in a recent e-mail that the house feels like a funeral home, all because of me not talking much to them. Claiming it feels like I'm punishing them for what, they don't know.
[Side note: Sadly, I have to admit, part of me knew that was happening this whole time, and I'm gonna admit, I'm glad. I know it's sick. And what's with the specter of my Grandfather's absence still haunting our family? Yeesh, Gramps, enough already. Or did you pass the duty of punishing with absence along to me? Humph.]
Hi, umm.. Wow. I remember in my youth how my sister hardly EVER called, maybe once a month or so.. Yes, she was older, but was she more mature? Maybe as stubborn as me. Maybe my parents, and her, don't want me making the same mistakes, even though I have no clue what those would be because no one talked to me about what Sister did in college. I just know she kept changing majors, and took on loans. How different is that from the rest of the United States student population? I guess being lower middle class (maybe we actually are working class, but it never felt like that to me), burying yourself in loans and not graduating college is the ticket to ultimate doom and totally ruining your life, in the oppostie direction of the fucking "American Dream." Yeah, and graduating college in four years taking a major you think (supposedly, or were socially pressured into thinking..) will land you a good paying job to pay off your loans only to end up working an 80 hour week and paying other people to take care of your kids is what life is all about. PA- SHAW.
I mean really, we're sending 18 year olds out into the world telling them to go figure it out in four years when the majority of them are ill prepared to even understand basic civilities like laws, taxes, and managing your checkbook.
Not for me. One, I came out to college to get out of my home. Two, the only reason I ever wanted to go to college was, because as a nine year old, I knew it was the best ticket into being able to make video games or comics for a living. Three, I came out to college to learn, not to just get a job afterwards. I should have never felt so overly pressured about money and scholarships to the point that I felt I had to stuff everything I ever wanted to learn into a short four years because I thought it would be the only chance I had in my life to ever truly be a student and enjoy learning. FUCK THAT.
How the hell did I end up being a business major? Sigh. I'll get on into what major(s) I -should- be in some later post, I promise. But back to being a bitch with my family.
It's weird. I'm actually rather cold and emotionless about what my sister described. I'll explain why. All I've ever wanted, my whole life, was to finally enjoy my life. I'm telling you the truth, the vast majority of my life kinda sucked except for my early childhood until age 10, and my freshman year of college. Highschool graduation was the happiest day of my fucking life. I was finally out of that shithole town. My family got sucked into that town because my Father seems to have this filial guilt bestowed on him from my grandmother (how my spite for her grows daily), who can't do a damn thing for herself and asks him and his wife to do every damn little thing for her. Maybe you're thinking, "but she's an old lady." NO. This has gone on since before my time. I can understand now, maybe, because grandpa's gone, but fuck. Grandpa's passing just made it all worse. I wish they never went back to Killeen. That town kills people. Maybe it's the Army, maybe it's my Grandma. I just wish they never left Colorado. Things would have turned out much happier. There was a real community that we were a part of in Colorado, but we didn't have that in Killeen. My parents never go out and enjoy themselves like they used to in Colorado with all the family friends. Instead they have to deal with Grandma on a daily basis. Hell on Earth, I think. Really, is there anything worse for my family right now? I guess that would currently be me not talking to them constantly.
So I leave for college, only for problems with my family to pull on me and never just let me be. Yes, I love my family, but why can't I just enjoy life as an independent person, like so many other people seem to get to do when they go to college? They just grow up and get to be adults, but still visit their family from time to time. That's what I was doing. Just let me be, is all I ask. Let me figure out where I wanna go, what I wanna do. You can't do that for me. If you need my help, fine. Tell me. I know you guys are past 60. I know our time left together is going away fast. But don't think like that. *sigh*
Whatevs. It'll resolve itself out. I guess what I tried to explain is, I'm so used to.. what's the word, just, regular earthly matters halting me from achieving what I want to do. But that's fine. That happens to everyone else. I think it just happens to me about 10 times more often. And I'm used to it. And I'm not letting go of my dreams like I almost did. I've already survived through this much crap, there really can't be much worse, save for my entire family dying in a car accident *knocks on wood*. And if that did happen? Well, I'd deal with it. I'd be a wreck, but I'd deal with it. Life is fragile and I know I don't have much of it to cherish, but of what I do, I'm damn well gonna make the most of it.
So fuck all y'all naysayers! YAARGH! I'm sure my family will come around and see my resolve.
It's called FAITH, biyatch! WHITE POWER!!!
More crap: (I know, that was quite a bit already)
Eh, fuck it. I forgot. It'll come to me when I think it's important.
I mean, as long as I've got some civility about it, I can be a quiet hermit and do my own thing. That thing happens to be thinking in solitude and appeasing the masses by letting them know I'm alive (eg this post.. I know, "soooooo hard" to just talk to people, right? Yeesh.). The only real bitchy, stupid really, thing I've done is not acknowledge people's birthdays and holidays, because I'm so self-absorbed right now. It's not like I wanted to spite people by doing that. I'm just focused on making myself work at the moment that I forget about "trivial" stuff like that. I know it's not trivial, and it isn't trivial, but currently in my grand scheme of things, it is.
You guys know how I am, and that I wouldn't be this way if things were going fantastic right now. So I cut myself off from you for your sake, but for some reason people seem to actually care about me. Fancy that, huh? Or maybe I've just become more serious. Not in a bad way. I just don't take to frivolous crap much anymore. Which is good, since that's actually what I've been going for this past year: bare essentials, stay focused, yadda yadda.
I really should be just more forthwright with people. It may not be nice, but the truth has always been my policy, and I believe, the best policy. People respect the truth, not nice. It's true. Think of me trying to be all side-ways wishy washy asking you a favor. I should just spit it out. I hate begging, which is why I never ask for anything unless I'm really desperate. I -am- proud, and you just can't kill that out of me. I -am-
AHH HA HA soooooo EMO! For fuck's sake!
Anyways, everyone knows I'm stubborn. But I'm stubborn on things when I know I'm right. :-P
I know, I KNOW. It irritates me too, even, but stubborness is in my blood. It's the fuel I run off of. It's how I work when nothing else does.
So I wonder how ..oh gosh, what was his name.. Ronaldo? The guy I hung out with at Coachella 2003. Lily, help me out. I wonder how he's doing now. It just randomly hit me just right now. Outta left field. Like a transvestite drag queen dominatrix.
Fuck yeah.
So Boba Loca is hiring, once again, just down the street from where I'm squatting. Bastards should've just hired me in the first place to begin with. I mean, I'm still looking elsewhere for a second job, but it'd be nice to keep the second night job in the Koreatown/Los Feliz/Echo Park/Downtown area. I don't want to come back to Downtown from school in Santa Monica, then head back to Santa Monica for work, then come back again to "rest." NO. -Torture.- Wasting two hours+ on the bus every day of my life... Well, not torture, but I only have so long to live!
I'd like to save up for a scooter. I'd like to save up for FOOD, but we'll see about that.
*writing in progresso from this point forthwith*
I re-established communication with la familia finally. I -am- a bitch for that. And I'm sorry I put them through that, although I'm also -not- sorry. Notice my egregious use of hyphens for emphasis. Wowie. I'm not sorry because in my bitchy way, they should learn to worry their fucking heads off a little less and trust that if I really am in a bind, I'd call them.
I know, I know, you're all saying, "FUCK, MARIA, you -are- in a bind." No I'm not. I'm just stubborn. I'll get my way eventually. I'm just a beeyatch.
It's kind of sickening though, to think that, yes, my father lost weight, my mother's been crying every night, my sister claims to have even called off her engagement (First it was her wedding earlier this year, but that was before the missing person incident; however, I wouldn't mind her calling off her engagement if only to give her more time to feel her S.O. out.. 9 months is too short a time to jump into marriage, methinks, but then again, I'm not planning to get married until I'm 35, if even that, so whatevs), and tells me in a recent e-mail that the house feels like a funeral home, all because of me not talking much to them. Claiming it feels like I'm punishing them for what, they don't know.
[Side note: Sadly, I have to admit, part of me knew that was happening this whole time, and I'm gonna admit, I'm glad. I know it's sick. And what's with the specter of my Grandfather's absence still haunting our family? Yeesh, Gramps, enough already. Or did you pass the duty of punishing with absence along to me? Humph.]
Hi, umm.. Wow. I remember in my youth how my sister hardly EVER called, maybe once a month or so.. Yes, she was older, but was she more mature? Maybe as stubborn as me. Maybe my parents, and her, don't want me making the same mistakes, even though I have no clue what those would be because no one talked to me about what Sister did in college. I just know she kept changing majors, and took on loans. How different is that from the rest of the United States student population? I guess being lower middle class (maybe we actually are working class, but it never felt like that to me), burying yourself in loans and not graduating college is the ticket to ultimate doom and totally ruining your life, in the oppostie direction of the fucking "American Dream." Yeah, and graduating college in four years taking a major you think (supposedly, or were socially pressured into thinking..) will land you a good paying job to pay off your loans only to end up working an 80 hour week and paying other people to take care of your kids is what life is all about. PA- SHAW.
I mean really, we're sending 18 year olds out into the world telling them to go figure it out in four years when the majority of them are ill prepared to even understand basic civilities like laws, taxes, and managing your checkbook.
Not for me. One, I came out to college to get out of my home. Two, the only reason I ever wanted to go to college was, because as a nine year old, I knew it was the best ticket into being able to make video games or comics for a living. Three, I came out to college to learn, not to just get a job afterwards. I should have never felt so overly pressured about money and scholarships to the point that I felt I had to stuff everything I ever wanted to learn into a short four years because I thought it would be the only chance I had in my life to ever truly be a student and enjoy learning. FUCK THAT.
How the hell did I end up being a business major? Sigh. I'll get on into what major(s) I -should- be in some later post, I promise. But back to being a bitch with my family.
It's weird. I'm actually rather cold and emotionless about what my sister described. I'll explain why. All I've ever wanted, my whole life, was to finally enjoy my life. I'm telling you the truth, the vast majority of my life kinda sucked except for my early childhood until age 10, and my freshman year of college. Highschool graduation was the happiest day of my fucking life. I was finally out of that shithole town. My family got sucked into that town because my Father seems to have this filial guilt bestowed on him from my grandmother (how my spite for her grows daily), who can't do a damn thing for herself and asks him and his wife to do every damn little thing for her. Maybe you're thinking, "but she's an old lady." NO. This has gone on since before my time. I can understand now, maybe, because grandpa's gone, but fuck. Grandpa's passing just made it all worse. I wish they never went back to Killeen. That town kills people. Maybe it's the Army, maybe it's my Grandma. I just wish they never left Colorado. Things would have turned out much happier. There was a real community that we were a part of in Colorado, but we didn't have that in Killeen. My parents never go out and enjoy themselves like they used to in Colorado with all the family friends. Instead they have to deal with Grandma on a daily basis. Hell on Earth, I think. Really, is there anything worse for my family right now? I guess that would currently be me not talking to them constantly.
So I leave for college, only for problems with my family to pull on me and never just let me be. Yes, I love my family, but why can't I just enjoy life as an independent person, like so many other people seem to get to do when they go to college? They just grow up and get to be adults, but still visit their family from time to time. That's what I was doing. Just let me be, is all I ask. Let me figure out where I wanna go, what I wanna do. You can't do that for me. If you need my help, fine. Tell me. I know you guys are past 60. I know our time left together is going away fast. But don't think like that. *sigh*
Whatevs. It'll resolve itself out. I guess what I tried to explain is, I'm so used to.. what's the word, just, regular earthly matters halting me from achieving what I want to do. But that's fine. That happens to everyone else. I think it just happens to me about 10 times more often. And I'm used to it. And I'm not letting go of my dreams like I almost did. I've already survived through this much crap, there really can't be much worse, save for my entire family dying in a car accident *knocks on wood*. And if that did happen? Well, I'd deal with it. I'd be a wreck, but I'd deal with it. Life is fragile and I know I don't have much of it to cherish, but of what I do, I'm damn well gonna make the most of it.
So fuck all y'all naysayers! YAARGH! I'm sure my family will come around and see my resolve.
It's called FAITH, biyatch! WHITE POWER!!!
More crap: (I know, that was quite a bit already)
Eh, fuck it. I forgot. It'll come to me when I think it's important.