(no subject)
i feel like i've just woken up. and slowly, the lights creeping in as i open my eyes, and it hurts more and more with each moment that i'm awake. it hurts so much, and more then anything i want to go back to sleep. back to that numb bliss that i felt when i couldnt see the bad. like a drug that masks the pain. i want to mask it again. dave was a cunt. but i loved him. love him. i've never loved anyone more. but i've never hated anyone more. never hated with such passion and bitterness before i met him. so, i know deep down that i will never be able to get back with him. never be able to hold him, kiss him, LOVE him like i used, but it still hurts. this is the first time i've had my heart broken, but the scary thing is, i felt it break months ago. and i told him. i told him he was breaking my heart. but i stayed. i wonder what would have happened if i'd have just left then? i'd have missed out on all the pain, i know that, but... i guess im glad that im finnally started to see him for what he is. and if i'd have walked out the door that day, like i was going to, instead of allowing myself to be won over again, maybe i wouldnt have felt that. maybei would have still thought he was a good guy that i missed out on. im typing so fast that my brain doesnt have time to think of the words. maybe thats a good thing. maybe too much thinking hurts too much. i know i dont update enough anymore. livejournal used to be my sanctuary. but then my sanctuary became tom. i told him everything. but i've made a decision. he's not going to be my rock anymore. he keeps telling me t hat im not weak, that everybody needs someone to lean on sometimes. but i cant help thinking, maybe im better on my own. all alone.