Being Guardian Kysra
Yeah, I know. It seems like I'm always frustrated nowadays ;-; I can't help it. I get tense around testing time!
I've been reading The Age of Napoleon, and it's a chapter outlining all sorts of battles >-< I needed to get away from the narrative for a bit to assimilate the information into my brain.
Anyway, today I admited something that's been building up for sometime: the fact is, though I love my brother more than anything in this world, though I would die or kill for him, I don't like him.
It's a painful truth. I just really dislike most of the things he does, how he acts, and how he treats people, including himself.
I don't know what to do about it. I hate feeling like this because when we were younger we were so close, best friends. And then, somewhere along the way, he became this jerk that - sometimes - I can't stand to be around. He used to tell me everything. We used to have such deep heart-to-heart talks, and now, he lies so much (and at first, I was stupid enough to fall for them) - I've caught him in the lies enough to know that he does lie quite often - that I can't trust anything he says anymore.
I'm at a loss even though I realize it's not something for me to fix. He needs to fix it. I'm just . . . feeling bereft I guess. I want my little brother back, the one I felt a connection to, the one that was my friend.
Now, all I have is . . . a stranger I can't relate to who obviously doesn't trust me and who I can't trust.
*shakes head*
My grandmother is . . . getting worse, so that's probably getting me down more than usual too -- in addition to all the stuff mentioned above. She seems to have developed a wheeze, she's still not eating, and they can't feed her for fear of her vomiting again and once more congesting her lungs. I can't even imagine how my dad feels right now, and I don't know how to make it better.
As you can probably tell, I'm feeling really useless and helpless right now. I HATE this.
- Kysra
I've been reading The Age of Napoleon, and it's a chapter outlining all sorts of battles >-< I needed to get away from the narrative for a bit to assimilate the information into my brain.
Anyway, today I admited something that's been building up for sometime: the fact is, though I love my brother more than anything in this world, though I would die or kill for him, I don't like him.
It's a painful truth. I just really dislike most of the things he does, how he acts, and how he treats people, including himself.
I don't know what to do about it. I hate feeling like this because when we were younger we were so close, best friends. And then, somewhere along the way, he became this jerk that - sometimes - I can't stand to be around. He used to tell me everything. We used to have such deep heart-to-heart talks, and now, he lies so much (and at first, I was stupid enough to fall for them) - I've caught him in the lies enough to know that he does lie quite often - that I can't trust anything he says anymore.
I'm at a loss even though I realize it's not something for me to fix. He needs to fix it. I'm just . . . feeling bereft I guess. I want my little brother back, the one I felt a connection to, the one that was my friend.
Now, all I have is . . . a stranger I can't relate to who obviously doesn't trust me and who I can't trust.
*shakes head*
My grandmother is . . . getting worse, so that's probably getting me down more than usual too -- in addition to all the stuff mentioned above. She seems to have developed a wheeze, she's still not eating, and they can't feed her for fear of her vomiting again and once more congesting her lungs. I can't even imagine how my dad feels right now, and I don't know how to make it better.
As you can probably tell, I'm feeling really useless and helpless right now. I HATE this.
- Kysra