not really doing anything.....just thinking is all.
well it's Sunday and im not really doing anything special. umm, this weekend was alright. on Friday me and Adrian went to the football game with two of our homies and that was alright, she spent the night that night but we didnt go out or anything. On Saturday i spent the night at her house, we went to the mall and met my ex over there and we just spent time together God i miss him so much. We were supposed to go to this kick back that night with the homies but instead we went out with Gerard and we just kicked it. we drove around and chilled at his homies house. Like i said i miss him so much. me and him slept together that night and the whole time he's telling me that he loves me and everything. i know that i still love him shit, there aint no lie there but i just dont know what to do anymore though. at first when we broke up i thought that i was gonna be alright with out him and everything but shit it's really starting to kick in now though. i just dont feel the same anymore, i love the feeling that i feel when im around him. when we were together it was just like old times, we held hands and hugged and kissed and all of that shit. i miss him i really do. but like i've said i just dont want the drama, my homie Adrian said that you have to really fight for something that you want and if it's true then everything will turn out alright and we will end up being together again. and she's right me and him are so great together...i mean shit when you think of Brittany,Gerard comes right along with it. and i just dont feel the same without him. i truly know now that i will not find another just like him, and i know that in the end he's the one that i want. i would give anything for him to just realize what he had, he said that he does but i dont know. i told him that if he did then he wouldnt have done the shit that he did. and he said that i was right, shit i know that im right! but i dont know i just dont know if i could do it without him. at times i think that i can but lately i dont know so much anymore. being with him this weekend and spending time with him really made me miss him, i mean i did before but i wasnt around him like i was this weekend. he's just my baby and when i look into his eyes i can tell that i broke his heart and that hurts me. now i know what it felt like when he would look into my eyes after everytime he let me down and damn, it tore me up inside. i know that he cares about me and i know that he truly does love me, i knew that before but he said that him not being with me has made everything clear for him now. he knows what he needs to do but yet he's still not doing it, a matter of fact he's gotten deeper into the game. i told him that he has a year to get all of his shit out of the way and then we'll talk about being together again, imean alot can change in a year and im scared. but i know that i love him and that i ALWAYS will but sometimes i dont know what to do. he asked me why i let him go because he was confused about the whole thing and i told him that to me it felt like he had let me go along time ago so in my eyes i was doing him a favor. and until saturday i still thought that and then he told me that me leaving him was devestating for him and he didnt know how to deal with it and he said that he still doestn know how to deal with it. in my heart i still want him to be my "perfect man" the one that i know he can be and at times he is. i know i want to go through life and expirence different things and i come to realize i dont want anybody else but him by my side to share it with. i want to be able to talk to him like i used to and that's one thing that brings me to tears as i write this he said that he cant tell me anything anymore because i am no longer his. and that hurts because i know that he has no one else to talk to and i know that he needs me and im not there for him like i've always wanted to be. the one time that he comes out and tells me that he needs me im not there, shit that just tears me apart. but i know that i love him and he knows that...