dear son
Dear Jasper,
The other day when you called I know I ended up hanging up on you and for that I am sorry. I just really can't get beat up every time I talk to you. You did say a few things that have me thinking though and I am going to address them here. I know you don't read my journal, but since this is more for me anyway, it matters not.
You said that I have my NEW LIFE (that's when I hung up on you). I don't have a new life. I have my life. It has taken many many turns and twists and some days I feel like I have lived hundreds of "lives" just within mine. But the truth is that your life just glides down a path. There's no going back. And yes, things change. Constantly. I don't stop being your mom just because I make more people and I don't become a 'new' person because I like to bake bread and sew. I did those things before too, just not as often. My life is what it is. I like it. I am happy being domesticated. There is always room at the table for you.
Secondly you said that you have this new family now and are so happy that you do because they understand you and love you no matter what. You think I don't understand that either, but I do. I started thinking back to when I was your age. That's not always comfortable for me because of a lot of choices I made back then, but since you put it in my head I have been doing it. I know exactly what you mean. My friends were my world for years and years. Only recently have I started enjoying the family I was given by blood.
I also remember being young. I remember days and things that we did that would make your head spin. Thinking of the risks I took then make this old mother cringe now, but I do remember. I remember taking acid with Willow, Jim, and Matt and wandering around downtown San Jose drinking chocolate milk out of baby bottles. We were such weirdos. LOL
Omg among so so many other things.
I do remember. I know that you feel like the world can't touch you. And for the most part, it can't. I know those friends feel like they are attached to you with thick gold cords that will never break. I know that this time of your life is this. And that's cool.
I try not to pressure you to come over and hang out. I don't expect much from you right now. And I don't mean that in an insulting way. I just mean that your life at this time revolves in a tiny circle around your head. Time is compressed. So do your thing. Know we love you and will still be here when you look up. Please be as safe as you can be.
~mama
The other day when you called I know I ended up hanging up on you and for that I am sorry. I just really can't get beat up every time I talk to you. You did say a few things that have me thinking though and I am going to address them here. I know you don't read my journal, but since this is more for me anyway, it matters not.
You said that I have my NEW LIFE (that's when I hung up on you). I don't have a new life. I have my life. It has taken many many turns and twists and some days I feel like I have lived hundreds of "lives" just within mine. But the truth is that your life just glides down a path. There's no going back. And yes, things change. Constantly. I don't stop being your mom just because I make more people and I don't become a 'new' person because I like to bake bread and sew. I did those things before too, just not as often. My life is what it is. I like it. I am happy being domesticated. There is always room at the table for you.
Secondly you said that you have this new family now and are so happy that you do because they understand you and love you no matter what. You think I don't understand that either, but I do. I started thinking back to when I was your age. That's not always comfortable for me because of a lot of choices I made back then, but since you put it in my head I have been doing it. I know exactly what you mean. My friends were my world for years and years. Only recently have I started enjoying the family I was given by blood.
I also remember being young. I remember days and things that we did that would make your head spin. Thinking of the risks I took then make this old mother cringe now, but I do remember. I remember taking acid with Willow, Jim, and Matt and wandering around downtown San Jose drinking chocolate milk out of baby bottles. We were such weirdos. LOL
Omg among so so many other things.
I do remember. I know that you feel like the world can't touch you. And for the most part, it can't. I know those friends feel like they are attached to you with thick gold cords that will never break. I know that this time of your life is this. And that's cool.
I try not to pressure you to come over and hang out. I don't expect much from you right now. And I don't mean that in an insulting way. I just mean that your life at this time revolves in a tiny circle around your head. Time is compressed. So do your thing. Know we love you and will still be here when you look up. Please be as safe as you can be.
~mama