Ranting about the Stark kids, Tyrion, GRRM, and Why I Hate Catelyn
So as you know, I am going back through the series, and I am nearing the last portions of A Clash with Kings. Pesci has a better memory for things than I do, so he is always there to answer my questions regarding various happenings around Westeros, since I've been reading these four books off and on for TWELVE YEARS...
Sorry. Sorry about that.
Anyways, this next complaint isn't actually about Bran the character as much as it is about GRRM's construction of Bran. Mainly, I ask this: has GRRM ever met a child in his life?
The reason I ask is this: if I recall (and granted, my memory sucks), Bran is about 7 years old when the series begins, correct? And wouldn't that make him about 8 or 9 when ACOK is transpiring? Because I'm going through the portion of ACOK when Theon takes over Winterfell, and I'm having a bit of trouble imagining the conversation between Theon and Bran occurring, when Theon is about 20-21 years old. I mean, I've got a nephew who is six going on seven. I've talked to him. He tells me about Lego Indiana Jones. He occasionally thinks he is a robot. But I imagine that, even if he didn't know what robots were, and even if Legos hadn't been invented, he would still lack the capacity for rational and abstract thought necessary to cede a castle to me, should I elect to storm it with my stalwart band of hearty men-at-arms.
In short, Bran stinks. Well, actually, in this instance, I think GRRM stinks. This has been a problem for me from the beginning of the series; for as many things that I like about ASOIAF (and yes, there are things I like -- they're just much less fun to talk about), I've always felt that most of the Stark kids should have started out about five years older than they were at the beginning of the series. Robb, Arya, and Bran in particular always seemed to act far older than makes sense to me. And yeah, yeah, I know they're all dour and stern folk of the harsh north, but it still bugs me. Anyone else ever feel this way?
New topic: how much would you like to spear Catelyn in the face with a morning star? I mean, just in general, she's just a big bucket of suck. I don't think the woman has smiled more than twice in the entire series. Shit, if I were Eddard Stark, I would have had ten bastards being married to a malcontent like her. And have you ever just flipped through a Catelyn chapter and noticed how it has a significantly higher percentage of italics than other chapters? That's because every third sentence is her thinking Gods be good, Ned, or Please let my children be safe, or Dear god why did I have to order chicken instead of fish?
And on top of that, what also really pisses me off is how a woman who, according to all logic of the novels, should have spent her youth and adult years learning the womanly arts (a la Sansa) suddenly becomes a military strategist when Robb becomes King in the North and starts leading his host. Sorry, but I don't buy that Catelyn was privy to all of Ned's war councils, and the fact that she even has any opinion on Robb's bannermen, their abilities, or Robb's war plans all seems contrary to pretty much every other female ruler in the books. Shit, Catelyn isn't Asha Greyjoy, fer crissakes. Can you imagine the Greatjon's reaction when Ned Stark brings his wife along to a strategy meeting?
Ned: "I hope you guys don't mind, but Catelyn would like to sit in with us today."
Greatjon: "Oh, you brought Cat? Oh...cool. No really, that's awesome. Maybe she can cry for us later. Sweet, dude. Way to bro down."
And finally, I just passed that sweet scene recounting the attack on King's Landing and the wildfire and all that. But one last thing that bugs me: Tyrion, particularly in the first couple books. Now I like Tyrion's character in general, but doesn't it bother you that he seems to be the luckiest SOB in the books when it comes to battle? I mean, this "little person," or whatever you would like to call him, has had no military training at all from what I recall. Added to that, any knight on the field would recognize him and consider him to be a prime target/hostage opportunity, since these lords obviously place great value on hostages. In addition, Tyrion probably has the reach of a six year old, so I'm not entirely clear why someone just can't poke at him with a spear or something from a safe distance. And yet in battle, he's hacking dudes' limbs off, taking down knights with years of training in swords, spears, and general combat, and generally being a total monster. Seems just a bit too unlikely to me. Now I know there is some element of chance involved in his successes (avoiding death by Mandon Moore, goring the horse early on in AGOT), but really, I find it really hard to buy how this little dude manages to not get gored by half of the knights he encounters.
Those are my rants for today. Feel free to let me know how off-base I am, or remind me of obvious details I have forgotten. Like I said, my memory stinks.
By the way, why don't people slap Daenerys around more in the first couple books? More on that later.
Sorry. Sorry about that.
Anyways, this next complaint isn't actually about Bran the character as much as it is about GRRM's construction of Bran. Mainly, I ask this: has GRRM ever met a child in his life?
The reason I ask is this: if I recall (and granted, my memory sucks), Bran is about 7 years old when the series begins, correct? And wouldn't that make him about 8 or 9 when ACOK is transpiring? Because I'm going through the portion of ACOK when Theon takes over Winterfell, and I'm having a bit of trouble imagining the conversation between Theon and Bran occurring, when Theon is about 20-21 years old. I mean, I've got a nephew who is six going on seven. I've talked to him. He tells me about Lego Indiana Jones. He occasionally thinks he is a robot. But I imagine that, even if he didn't know what robots were, and even if Legos hadn't been invented, he would still lack the capacity for rational and abstract thought necessary to cede a castle to me, should I elect to storm it with my stalwart band of hearty men-at-arms.
In short, Bran stinks. Well, actually, in this instance, I think GRRM stinks. This has been a problem for me from the beginning of the series; for as many things that I like about ASOIAF (and yes, there are things I like -- they're just much less fun to talk about), I've always felt that most of the Stark kids should have started out about five years older than they were at the beginning of the series. Robb, Arya, and Bran in particular always seemed to act far older than makes sense to me. And yeah, yeah, I know they're all dour and stern folk of the harsh north, but it still bugs me. Anyone else ever feel this way?
New topic: how much would you like to spear Catelyn in the face with a morning star? I mean, just in general, she's just a big bucket of suck. I don't think the woman has smiled more than twice in the entire series. Shit, if I were Eddard Stark, I would have had ten bastards being married to a malcontent like her. And have you ever just flipped through a Catelyn chapter and noticed how it has a significantly higher percentage of italics than other chapters? That's because every third sentence is her thinking Gods be good, Ned, or Please let my children be safe, or Dear god why did I have to order chicken instead of fish?
And on top of that, what also really pisses me off is how a woman who, according to all logic of the novels, should have spent her youth and adult years learning the womanly arts (a la Sansa) suddenly becomes a military strategist when Robb becomes King in the North and starts leading his host. Sorry, but I don't buy that Catelyn was privy to all of Ned's war councils, and the fact that she even has any opinion on Robb's bannermen, their abilities, or Robb's war plans all seems contrary to pretty much every other female ruler in the books. Shit, Catelyn isn't Asha Greyjoy, fer crissakes. Can you imagine the Greatjon's reaction when Ned Stark brings his wife along to a strategy meeting?
Ned: "I hope you guys don't mind, but Catelyn would like to sit in with us today."
Greatjon: "Oh, you brought Cat? Oh...cool. No really, that's awesome. Maybe she can cry for us later. Sweet, dude. Way to bro down."
And finally, I just passed that sweet scene recounting the attack on King's Landing and the wildfire and all that. But one last thing that bugs me: Tyrion, particularly in the first couple books. Now I like Tyrion's character in general, but doesn't it bother you that he seems to be the luckiest SOB in the books when it comes to battle? I mean, this "little person," or whatever you would like to call him, has had no military training at all from what I recall. Added to that, any knight on the field would recognize him and consider him to be a prime target/hostage opportunity, since these lords obviously place great value on hostages. In addition, Tyrion probably has the reach of a six year old, so I'm not entirely clear why someone just can't poke at him with a spear or something from a safe distance. And yet in battle, he's hacking dudes' limbs off, taking down knights with years of training in swords, spears, and general combat, and generally being a total monster. Seems just a bit too unlikely to me. Now I know there is some element of chance involved in his successes (avoiding death by Mandon Moore, goring the horse early on in AGOT), but really, I find it really hard to buy how this little dude manages to not get gored by half of the knights he encounters.
Those are my rants for today. Feel free to let me know how off-base I am, or remind me of obvious details I have forgotten. Like I said, my memory stinks.
By the way, why don't people slap Daenerys around more in the first couple books? More on that later.