(no subject)
oh morning star, You truly are everything.
I don't even know where to begin with all that's happened since I've last updated. Pride is a destructive nature to maintain in your life and I hope with everything in me, people begin to see it as such - just like I've been discovering. Being a "youth leader" with my youth group is a high honor for me; I've never deserved to have this title. In the back of my mind, I've always lived with self-condemnation and thoughts of me being the worst sinner out there. How could I possibly help my church's youth group to grow? Well, I couldn't. I can't do anything. But God can. And God will use me... once I've been cleansed, you see. Pride's been keeping me from being truly cleansed from everything that's happened in my life between churches. I spent about probably a year in Nomad's Land, my spirit just wandering around for anything that would give me life. And no, I didn't go out and party and everything that comes along with that. But I'd fallen into a depression and didn't want to leave. I wanted to stay on the computer all day and talk with people I'd never meet - a lot of whom, I discovered, went through similar situations like mine with their old churches. We were a pack of hurt, beaten souls with no place to call home. At the time, I pulled them close to me and embraced them, finding my "salvation" within them. But no man can bring inner healing and they certainly don't bring salvation. Once God began to tug on my heart to get back into church, I realized this. This past Friday night at youth was incredible. Our Pastor didn't even preach a message - the presence of God was so thick in this service, it went straight from incredible worship to the altar call to a time of deliverance. You see, church is so religious these days. They think everything has to follow a format. "How can God show up if you don't stand up there and preach a message of candy-coated followers?!" Sometimes you don't need words with God. Sometimes God comes in and moves in ways only He can. God isn't limited to a sermon. God can move whenever He so desires. And He most definitely did. Almost everyone, save for three people, went down to the altar call that evening. I knew I needed to - heart raced, palms sweating - but I couldn't. I was a "youth leader". What would the people I'm attempting to lead - as well as my Pastor - think about me? But I ended up down there at the altar call. I'd never repented for everything I went through in that year of wandering. I'd just assumed God knew I was sorry for it. I was broken that evening. It was incredible, something I wouldn't change for anything. I went home feeling new and refreshed and I've put aside things I knew God was wanting me to. It hurts to leave behind things that you love. But if it didn't hurt - it wouldn't be a sacrifice.
I've had a knee problem since.. I don't even know. The doctor's say it was probably from birth. But it didn't flair up until I was in 9th grade and even then, I attempt to ignore it for three years because dancing was who I was. My plan was to go to New York - I'd been there already, selected out of a national entrance procedure, to participate in a summer intensive tap dancing training. Tap was my passion - and of course, the worst thing I could do to my knee. The bones in my knee were slightly twisted sideways and this offset my knee cap, allowing it to fluctuate and slide in and out of place. Two years off and on in physical therapy did nothing but make me want to become a physical therapist. But I was hard-headed and determined to become the dancer people told me with tears in their eyes that I was supposed to be. Until I hit 12th grade, when I dedicated my life to God. I had to give it up; sacrifice what I love for a chance to see God move in my life. Since 2001, I've been asking God to give me a new knee - just take the old one out completely and do it all over again, perfected and solid and strong. Being that it's 2007, that's almost 7 years waiting on a healing. People prayed with fire in their bones and nothing happened. But this past Sunday, June 17th, it happened. And it was... speechless. My knee clicked back together, I could feel it - it hurt like fire. But it happened. That evening my knee was very tender and achy and I asked God why it was hurting if I was healed. And I believe with everything in me that I heard Him say, "you have to get used to your new knee"... which is exactly what I asked God for years ago. Once you have knee surgery, you can't just jump back into using it. It's a gradual procedure that thankfully for me, disappeared when I slept Sunday evening. I tell you what though, both of my thighs were sore Monday morning. I guess God was strengthening the muscles in both of my thighs to be able to handle my new knee and a healing from arthritis in my right knee. God is so amazing, He truly is. I pray you get to see Him work miracles in your life, as well.