We feel fine
I feel ok. Tonight, for the first time in countless nights, I have no reason to go to sleep feeling depressed. I can barely fathom how many times, for how many reasons, I've fashioned a blanket out of jealousy and regret, and drifted off to sub-consciousness under it.
I talked to Julia. I said many of the things I wanted to say, and I eluded saying many of the things I shouldn't have. She said things too.
Things have changed, but a lot of things haven't. I don't feel reinvigorated, or with a renewed sense of purpose. The catharsis was contained and localized, but at least it was there.
I told her to call me. I told her to call me, because it's something she needs to do. It needs to be her decision, since she's the one who had hesitations. I hope that if she doesn't, she'll tell me she won't.
I don't have hesitations; at least, I don't have the same as hers. I don't want another relationship with her. I don't want a relationship with anybody. I don't want to want anybody, insofar as that's possible... which it probably isn't.
I refrained from trying to explain this to her, but my goal in this life is a degree of purity. I want to fill my existence with a whole hell of a lot of things that I want to do, and be, and very little of what I don't. I'm an unreasonable man, but I'm not entirely convinced that a standard, garden-variety romantic relationship is included in that.
There is nothing that I can't survive.
I talked to Julia. I said many of the things I wanted to say, and I eluded saying many of the things I shouldn't have. She said things too.
Things have changed, but a lot of things haven't. I don't feel reinvigorated, or with a renewed sense of purpose. The catharsis was contained and localized, but at least it was there.
I told her to call me. I told her to call me, because it's something she needs to do. It needs to be her decision, since she's the one who had hesitations. I hope that if she doesn't, she'll tell me she won't.
I don't have hesitations; at least, I don't have the same as hers. I don't want another relationship with her. I don't want a relationship with anybody. I don't want to want anybody, insofar as that's possible... which it probably isn't.
I refrained from trying to explain this to her, but my goal in this life is a degree of purity. I want to fill my existence with a whole hell of a lot of things that I want to do, and be, and very little of what I don't. I'm an unreasonable man, but I'm not entirely convinced that a standard, garden-variety romantic relationship is included in that.
There is nothing that I can't survive.