Hmmmmm...
So, I've been examining my thought processes rather clearly this afternoon and, I'm trying hard not to lie to myself here, I'm really quite an asshole. I endear myself to people by hiding who I am, not by being who I am and improving who I am. You know why I am attracted to some girls, mainly the ones I have actually dated? It's because I see that they are screwed up in some way and I want to help them. Who the fuck am I to decide that I can help them, or even to judge that they need help. I really am an asshole, and not in the Dennis Leary sense.
I can't believe I've been doing this and not letting myself see it. I've learned, the way most people with problems do, to hide my shit. I've also learned how much easier it is to focus on other people's problems instead of your own. What the hell. I have done exactly what I judge other people so harshly for. All those problems I "diagnose" people with are just reflections of issues that I am struggling with and attempting to ignore.
My most recent vague interests include: a former cocaine addict who I think may have relapsed in the past couple weeks and another two girls who are deemed to be very "loose"/"skanky" (similar to the few girlfriends I've had in the past). These girls all have some trait that my subconscious has deemed psychotic and in need of fixing. There is only one female I've had any kind of interest in recently who seems to be labeled as "sane" by my pain of a brain.
What kind of shit judgement is that? I can't believe this. All I've been doing is lying to myself and I don't know what to do about it now. I'm lost and confused.
Other than that shittiness, life is pretty okay. Russian is going to be good this block so that'll be nice, but I don't know what else the block will hold...
So, I'm gonna sit and ponder why I am the way I am and what I can do about it.
I can't believe I've been doing this and not letting myself see it. I've learned, the way most people with problems do, to hide my shit. I've also learned how much easier it is to focus on other people's problems instead of your own. What the hell. I have done exactly what I judge other people so harshly for. All those problems I "diagnose" people with are just reflections of issues that I am struggling with and attempting to ignore.
My most recent vague interests include: a former cocaine addict who I think may have relapsed in the past couple weeks and another two girls who are deemed to be very "loose"/"skanky" (similar to the few girlfriends I've had in the past). These girls all have some trait that my subconscious has deemed psychotic and in need of fixing. There is only one female I've had any kind of interest in recently who seems to be labeled as "sane" by my pain of a brain.
What kind of shit judgement is that? I can't believe this. All I've been doing is lying to myself and I don't know what to do about it now. I'm lost and confused.
Other than that shittiness, life is pretty okay. Russian is going to be good this block so that'll be nice, but I don't know what else the block will hold...
So, I'm gonna sit and ponder why I am the way I am and what I can do about it.