My Final Decision...
Several hours ago, I reached a boiling point of sorts. I wanted to break down, so I went outside and went somewhere secret to shed my tears. I consider it a nervous breakdown, because everything that I've gone through---whether physically or mentally or psychologically---just brought me to my knees. So I sat in a secret location to weep...and weep...and weep...until I saw a familiar face from not that far. She was a classmate of mine in my Microbiology class last year. I got along with her well, but she didn't give me her number because she didn't give her number out to anyone, according to what she said to me. Well, right now, she was holding hands with some guy, and the sight of this lit a fire in me that still burns as I'm writing. Sure, I've seen these two holding hands before, but this time it was different. This fire was of...pure anger and hatred. I decided upon that point to convert my tears into anger and hatred, because it's a pain in the ass to be crying about something like this. They didn't see me, but I flipped them the bird from far away. It was of pure hatred and anger. I left and went back to my normal campus activities that I do every Friday night. This time I had a purpose---everyone will know how I feel inside, and the people that will know depends on who they are...and they will know very well. I will show just how jealous and vicious I can be. Now I'm not going to go Columbine or anything like that on anyone, because number one, there are laws against that stuff, and number two, I'm not the type of person that wants to go on a rampage. (I must admit, however, that if this world were like Grand Theft Auto, then they would easily die by my hands and would not get justice at all.) I'm sick of being a family boy, because everytime something bad happens to me that's related to what I'm going through, I get reminded that most of my life has belonged to family stuff...and this is what I blame for my laziness...which is to blame for my being behind in almost everything. Then again, my parents and grandfather and uncle have pushed me to go for girls, girls, girls, and to be independent of them, both things which I want. I'm confused as fuck. The only thing that would get my mind back to normal---the way it was meant to be---is to get a girlfriend, which has eluded me for life. I don't see myself getting one...consequently, I also see that I'm still going to be confused...and also, to show my jealousy and anger and hatred.