Things I never said out load.
Well even after that day of oh fuck I’m still having hard time dealing. There are things I have not even told my best or wrote them down before. Not even on paper. I get very sad when I see pictures, hear things, or see people who are about to get married or are married that are my age especially who graduated with me. I feel as though I am stuck, no one wants me, and I will be alone forever. I get so sad in fact that I can feel my heart breaking inside. It hurts. I bet most people don’t think I’m ready to get married or I think about it but I do. Every day I think about. I wake up wanting someone to hold me or to be able to roll over at night and know if I had another nightmare that I wouldn't be alone. Somehow with everyone else moving forward to something happy I feel as though I failed in life.
In life, your support go to school, get a job, make money to live on, find someone to love, get married, and start a life, have kids, and then die. I feel as though I went to school but what a load of crap that got me, and everything else I feel as though I failed. I failed in the eyes of everyone around me and even in god’s eyes. Therefore, every time I hear someone is getting married or worse I went to school with my heartbreaks and I feel as though I failed a little more. I feel almost ashamed. I’m even a little jealous and what I’m most jealous of and think I always will be of just one person. Getting married to a man who loved you and wants to start a family with you has to be one of the best and most complete feelings in life. Nothing I bet can be more rewording. Lately with more of my classmates getting married or engaged, I have been thinking about this more lately.
It’s not that I am sick of always being alone but there are times that I am. I guess you can say that my clock is going off inside. Saying hurry up you should be married by now, why not you worthless piece of shit. You cannot even keep a man around. You’re just going to be some old made. That no one wants to touch. I haven’t had physical contact with a man in a month and that makes me physical sick to think about it. I know for some of you this might be hard to understand but for me it’s so simple but yet I cannot keep a man around or even one to fuck. I don’t want one to just fuck no I want something real, something meaning full, something worth being put on this earth for. I want one who wants me for me. My ups and downs, my crappy days, and shity fucked up nightmares.
In all this time, I feel as though I have failed not only in love but also in everything life. I have those voice in my head telling me I failed, I’m no good, no one wants me for me, and if I can’t make life the way god see life to be then I must of fail him too. I know I will never fail my parents but I think failing yourself and god is the worst. I have my Apartment, a great view, parents who love me, my cat I love so much, and a job to keep me afoot. However, I still wake up every morning and go to bed every night knowing that something is missing and the fear that have failed and I might never have it.
In life, your support go to school, get a job, make money to live on, find someone to love, get married, and start a life, have kids, and then die. I feel as though I went to school but what a load of crap that got me, and everything else I feel as though I failed. I failed in the eyes of everyone around me and even in god’s eyes. Therefore, every time I hear someone is getting married or worse I went to school with my heartbreaks and I feel as though I failed a little more. I feel almost ashamed. I’m even a little jealous and what I’m most jealous of and think I always will be of just one person. Getting married to a man who loved you and wants to start a family with you has to be one of the best and most complete feelings in life. Nothing I bet can be more rewording. Lately with more of my classmates getting married or engaged, I have been thinking about this more lately.
It’s not that I am sick of always being alone but there are times that I am. I guess you can say that my clock is going off inside. Saying hurry up you should be married by now, why not you worthless piece of shit. You cannot even keep a man around. You’re just going to be some old made. That no one wants to touch. I haven’t had physical contact with a man in a month and that makes me physical sick to think about it. I know for some of you this might be hard to understand but for me it’s so simple but yet I cannot keep a man around or even one to fuck. I don’t want one to just fuck no I want something real, something meaning full, something worth being put on this earth for. I want one who wants me for me. My ups and downs, my crappy days, and shity fucked up nightmares.
In all this time, I feel as though I have failed not only in love but also in everything life. I have those voice in my head telling me I failed, I’m no good, no one wants me for me, and if I can’t make life the way god see life to be then I must of fail him too. I know I will never fail my parents but I think failing yourself and god is the worst. I have my Apartment, a great view, parents who love me, my cat I love so much, and a job to keep me afoot. However, I still wake up every morning and go to bed every night knowing that something is missing and the fear that have failed and I might never have it.