The Year 2000
January 2000
There aren't a lot of New Years celebrations that I remember, but I definitely recall 2000. I spent it at Kristy's with her family and friends, and my first "real" boyfriend Jason. At midnight, Jason and I excused ourselves and found a private, cozy couch in their upstairs den. At midnight we kissed and I told him I loved him for the very first time. I did not mean it, but I wanted to say it anyway. One week later, we had sex for the first time. Love and virginity, all in the first week of the decade. Eventful, no?
"It's crazy I'm thinking
Just knowing that the world is round
And here I'm dancing on the ground
Am I right side up or upside down
And is this real or am I dreaming?"
"Crush" - Dave Matthews Band
April 2000
My relationship with Jason was purely of convenience and the cracks were starting to show. Home life was miserable, the parents were fighting constantly, we had just lost the house we grew up in, and even paying the power bill was tough. Having someone to whisk me away on weekends was more important to me than the he was. I was more attracted to him before we were dating. Little things drove me crazy; the way he'd eat, the way he smelled, sandals with motherfucking socks! I over analyzed every little thing, like you do when relationship are new and confusing. I turned 18 and would graduate in two months. For my birthday, the Logans subsidized tickets to see Dave Matthews Band, which over the past year became the only light in my life. The show was in June, and the anticipation was blinding.
"Everyone here is wondering what it's like to be with somebody else..."
"Back to Good" - Matchbox Twenty
May 2000
My boyfriend took another girl to his prom. This put a bit of a damper on my prom. I almost did not go, I could not afford the tickets. Kristy told her mother that she would not have a good time if I was not there, so they bought my tickets for me. My dress was a hideous last minute affair, my hair was an afterthought. I underestimated the nature of my friends and the wild and crazy party bus I campaigned for was a bust. The best part was heavy petting under the dinner table and on the couch behind Kristy in her den. Being taken home in a cop car while carrying a microwave was pretty cool too. But the best part? Never seeing Jason again. Well...almost (see January 2003).
"Dark clouds might hang on me sometimes
But I'll work it out..."
"Dancing Nancies" - Dave Matthews Band
June 2000
Jason and I dissolve. Mom and Dad try separation. Rob Thomas sings to both our relationships.
"She's been here too few years to feel this old."
"If anybody ever had a heart he wouldn't be alone."
"Trouble understand is she got reasons he don't
Funny how he couldn't see at all until she grabbed up her coat
She's been here too few years to take it all in stride
Still it's much too long to let her go..."
"I always say, it'd be good to go away
But if things don't work out like we think
And there's nothing there to ease this ache
And there's nothing there to make things change
If it's the same for you I'll just hang..."
"Hang" - Matchbox Twenty
"I don't wanna be cold
I don't wanna be cruel
But I gotta find more than what's happening with you
While you were sleeping
I was listening to the radio and wondering what you're dreaming
When it came to mind that I didn't care
And I thought hell if it's over
I better end it quick or I could lose my nerve..."
"Rest Stop" - Matchbox Twenty
"It's amazing how you make your face just like a wall
How you take your heart and turn it off
How I turn my head and lose it all
It's unnerving how just one move puts me by myself
There you go just trusting someone else
Now I know I put us both through hell
I'm not saying there was nothing wrong
I just didn't think you'd ever get tired of me
I'm not saying we ever had the right to hold on
I just didn't wanna let it get away from me
But if that's how it's gonna leave
Straight out from underneath
Then we'll see who's sorry now
If that's how it's gonna stand
When you know you've been depending on
The one you're leaving now
The one you're leaving out.."
"Leave" - Matchbox Twenty
July 2000
I have only experienced two periods of absolute and total depression in my adult life. The first one occurred in July 2000. Remember that blinding anticipating I mentioned above? Well, I wasn't kidding. My utter devotion to seeing DMB live consumed me to the point where I did not notice that I had graduated and had no plans for anything. No college, no career, nothing. Suddenly, with the concert behind me, I was lost. I had nothing to look forward to. The only thing that would comfort me would be to talk about my experience with someone - but there was no one. Randi was at Blane's. Rory was at Cameron's. Thea left for camp. The telephone was shut off because we couldn't pay it. There was no internet - no window to the outside world. I was trapped in the home that I despised and I could see no way out, not that day, not that year.
At the show, the band performed a few new songs. Having never heard them before, only one stuck out enough to remember it by name: Grey Street.
"Oh look at how she listens
She says nothing of what she thinks
She just goes stumbling through her memories
Staring out onto Grey Street
She says 'Hey, how did I come to this?
I dreamed myself a million times around the world,
But I can't get out of this place.'
The hope in her heart falls
And she feels the weight of life
But all the colors mix together to grey
And it breaks her heart
How she wishes it was different
She prays to God most every night
And thought she swears he doesn't listen
There's hope in her that he just might
She says, 'I pray! But they fall on deaf ears,
Am I supposed to take this all myself to get out of this place?'
Oh there's a loneliness inside her
And she'd do anything to fill it in
And though it's red blood bleeding from her now
It feels like cold blue ice in her heart
When all the colors mix together to grey
It breaks her heart..."
"Grey Street" - Dave Matthews Band
September 2000
"I have little desire to be part of this failing family anymore."
October 2000
My room looks like this and I spend every spare moment locked in it.
November 2000
Sex. Lots of random sex.
December 2000
More sex.
There aren't a lot of New Years celebrations that I remember, but I definitely recall 2000. I spent it at Kristy's with her family and friends, and my first "real" boyfriend Jason. At midnight, Jason and I excused ourselves and found a private, cozy couch in their upstairs den. At midnight we kissed and I told him I loved him for the very first time. I did not mean it, but I wanted to say it anyway. One week later, we had sex for the first time. Love and virginity, all in the first week of the decade. Eventful, no?
"It's crazy I'm thinking
Just knowing that the world is round
And here I'm dancing on the ground
Am I right side up or upside down
And is this real or am I dreaming?"
"Crush" - Dave Matthews Band
April 2000
My relationship with Jason was purely of convenience and the cracks were starting to show. Home life was miserable, the parents were fighting constantly, we had just lost the house we grew up in, and even paying the power bill was tough. Having someone to whisk me away on weekends was more important to me than the he was. I was more attracted to him before we were dating. Little things drove me crazy; the way he'd eat, the way he smelled, sandals with motherfucking socks! I over analyzed every little thing, like you do when relationship are new and confusing. I turned 18 and would graduate in two months. For my birthday, the Logans subsidized tickets to see Dave Matthews Band, which over the past year became the only light in my life. The show was in June, and the anticipation was blinding.
"Everyone here is wondering what it's like to be with somebody else..."
"Back to Good" - Matchbox Twenty
May 2000
My boyfriend took another girl to his prom. This put a bit of a damper on my prom. I almost did not go, I could not afford the tickets. Kristy told her mother that she would not have a good time if I was not there, so they bought my tickets for me. My dress was a hideous last minute affair, my hair was an afterthought. I underestimated the nature of my friends and the wild and crazy party bus I campaigned for was a bust. The best part was heavy petting under the dinner table and on the couch behind Kristy in her den. Being taken home in a cop car while carrying a microwave was pretty cool too. But the best part? Never seeing Jason again. Well...almost (see January 2003).
"Dark clouds might hang on me sometimes
But I'll work it out..."
"Dancing Nancies" - Dave Matthews Band
June 2000
Jason and I dissolve. Mom and Dad try separation. Rob Thomas sings to both our relationships.
"She's been here too few years to feel this old."
"If anybody ever had a heart he wouldn't be alone."
"Trouble understand is she got reasons he don't
Funny how he couldn't see at all until she grabbed up her coat
She's been here too few years to take it all in stride
Still it's much too long to let her go..."
"I always say, it'd be good to go away
But if things don't work out like we think
And there's nothing there to ease this ache
And there's nothing there to make things change
If it's the same for you I'll just hang..."
"Hang" - Matchbox Twenty
"I don't wanna be cold
I don't wanna be cruel
But I gotta find more than what's happening with you
While you were sleeping
I was listening to the radio and wondering what you're dreaming
When it came to mind that I didn't care
And I thought hell if it's over
I better end it quick or I could lose my nerve..."
"Rest Stop" - Matchbox Twenty
"It's amazing how you make your face just like a wall
How you take your heart and turn it off
How I turn my head and lose it all
It's unnerving how just one move puts me by myself
There you go just trusting someone else
Now I know I put us both through hell
I'm not saying there was nothing wrong
I just didn't think you'd ever get tired of me
I'm not saying we ever had the right to hold on
I just didn't wanna let it get away from me
But if that's how it's gonna leave
Straight out from underneath
Then we'll see who's sorry now
If that's how it's gonna stand
When you know you've been depending on
The one you're leaving now
The one you're leaving out.."
"Leave" - Matchbox Twenty
July 2000
I have only experienced two periods of absolute and total depression in my adult life. The first one occurred in July 2000. Remember that blinding anticipating I mentioned above? Well, I wasn't kidding. My utter devotion to seeing DMB live consumed me to the point where I did not notice that I had graduated and had no plans for anything. No college, no career, nothing. Suddenly, with the concert behind me, I was lost. I had nothing to look forward to. The only thing that would comfort me would be to talk about my experience with someone - but there was no one. Randi was at Blane's. Rory was at Cameron's. Thea left for camp. The telephone was shut off because we couldn't pay it. There was no internet - no window to the outside world. I was trapped in the home that I despised and I could see no way out, not that day, not that year.
At the show, the band performed a few new songs. Having never heard them before, only one stuck out enough to remember it by name: Grey Street.
"Oh look at how she listens
She says nothing of what she thinks
She just goes stumbling through her memories
Staring out onto Grey Street
She says 'Hey, how did I come to this?
I dreamed myself a million times around the world,
But I can't get out of this place.'
The hope in her heart falls
And she feels the weight of life
But all the colors mix together to grey
And it breaks her heart
How she wishes it was different
She prays to God most every night
And thought she swears he doesn't listen
There's hope in her that he just might
She says, 'I pray! But they fall on deaf ears,
Am I supposed to take this all myself to get out of this place?'
Oh there's a loneliness inside her
And she'd do anything to fill it in
And though it's red blood bleeding from her now
It feels like cold blue ice in her heart
When all the colors mix together to grey
It breaks her heart..."
"Grey Street" - Dave Matthews Band
September 2000
"I have little desire to be part of this failing family anymore."
October 2000
My room looks like this and I spend every spare moment locked in it.
November 2000
Sex. Lots of random sex.
December 2000
More sex.