Turning the Wheel
I am in a state of transition and flux.
But that doesn't really mean anything when you think about all the matter of existence moving through time; everything constantly changing, every reality a single result of infinite possibilities.
That doesn't even really mean anything in the context of my own life. I feel that I should say that I am in more transition than I have been in the past? But that doesn't feel right either. Looking along my own timeline, I see events and adjustments that have slowly defined me, so many changes. I moved every four years growing up, and that frequency has only increased over the last several years. I drew the Fool, indicating new paths and a warning for caution, every time I touched the tarot all through law school. I've passed through foreign lands, bunted my broken heart from one lover to the next, wrestled gauntlets of loss and pain. I have experienced my hair short and long, I have worn many faces, and I have seen more of the world than most.
I don't know why I feel like now is special, or different, or more variable than any other time in my life--but that is exactly how it feels.
I wear the mantle of my profession, my lawyering wizard cowl; that is probably the largest new variable. Being on this new playing field as a fully-fledged 'adult' makes every try a little more poignant, exhilarating, independently me. I've cast my die, and have been sorted.
The weather and the wheel of the year anchor me. Each moment is unique, as is my experience in it. It has finally become properly cold by Chicago-standards. Imbolc nears. My thirty-first year approaches. My new year includes ventures; somewhere between cleric and mercenary. This city becomes more familiar as I continue to find my place in its workings. I feel more connected to some aspects, but overall, there is a deepening sense of isolation. but maybe that is what i have been seeking--solitude in the city. A way to feel alone even though I am surrounded by thousands and thousands of people. That was the sense of peace I had back in Kansas, the relief of being alone, and away from the mass of humanity. Any yearnings I have for companionship do not last, any inkling I develop falls flat; I am content with my felines and occasional gathering with friends.
Yesterday was cold and dry, any exposed water has been frozen for days. I saw a pigeons, drinking water that had flowed into a crevice of the sidewalk from a potted plant, their heads pressed against the ground so that their short beaks could reach the liquid. I walked a few steps on before I decided; I turned around and poured half my water bottle on the sidewalk, and the half dozen seemed to appreciate the gesture by readily drinking. Are we all like that? A bare survival, wishing, without hope, for kindness and generosity to grant us a chance; allow us to make the movements we feel we could if we only had help managing that first step.
I am trying to change things, however I can. I am trying to leave a legacy of good acts; I have chosen career over children. I feel like I have leapt into a great void, friends and family tethering my free fall into something slightly more aerobatics. I just hope this pays off--that I am able to accomplish what I believe I am meant to, and maintain a personal happiness inside myself. For once, it feels like I am not waiting for my life to start, the day-to-day is now what I had been striving for. Everything feels so different this year. I am hoping that it is a good thing.
But that doesn't really mean anything when you think about all the matter of existence moving through time; everything constantly changing, every reality a single result of infinite possibilities.
That doesn't even really mean anything in the context of my own life. I feel that I should say that I am in more transition than I have been in the past? But that doesn't feel right either. Looking along my own timeline, I see events and adjustments that have slowly defined me, so many changes. I moved every four years growing up, and that frequency has only increased over the last several years. I drew the Fool, indicating new paths and a warning for caution, every time I touched the tarot all through law school. I've passed through foreign lands, bunted my broken heart from one lover to the next, wrestled gauntlets of loss and pain. I have experienced my hair short and long, I have worn many faces, and I have seen more of the world than most.
I don't know why I feel like now is special, or different, or more variable than any other time in my life--but that is exactly how it feels.
I wear the mantle of my profession, my lawyering wizard cowl; that is probably the largest new variable. Being on this new playing field as a fully-fledged 'adult' makes every try a little more poignant, exhilarating, independently me. I've cast my die, and have been sorted.
The weather and the wheel of the year anchor me. Each moment is unique, as is my experience in it. It has finally become properly cold by Chicago-standards. Imbolc nears. My thirty-first year approaches. My new year includes ventures; somewhere between cleric and mercenary. This city becomes more familiar as I continue to find my place in its workings. I feel more connected to some aspects, but overall, there is a deepening sense of isolation. but maybe that is what i have been seeking--solitude in the city. A way to feel alone even though I am surrounded by thousands and thousands of people. That was the sense of peace I had back in Kansas, the relief of being alone, and away from the mass of humanity. Any yearnings I have for companionship do not last, any inkling I develop falls flat; I am content with my felines and occasional gathering with friends.
Yesterday was cold and dry, any exposed water has been frozen for days. I saw a pigeons, drinking water that had flowed into a crevice of the sidewalk from a potted plant, their heads pressed against the ground so that their short beaks could reach the liquid. I walked a few steps on before I decided; I turned around and poured half my water bottle on the sidewalk, and the half dozen seemed to appreciate the gesture by readily drinking. Are we all like that? A bare survival, wishing, without hope, for kindness and generosity to grant us a chance; allow us to make the movements we feel we could if we only had help managing that first step.
I am trying to change things, however I can. I am trying to leave a legacy of good acts; I have chosen career over children. I feel like I have leapt into a great void, friends and family tethering my free fall into something slightly more aerobatics. I just hope this pays off--that I am able to accomplish what I believe I am meant to, and maintain a personal happiness inside myself. For once, it feels like I am not waiting for my life to start, the day-to-day is now what I had been striving for. Everything feels so different this year. I am hoping that it is a good thing.