wall; homeostasis; a month in perspective
i feel like i'm hitting some sort of wall. this weekend, yesterday, and today. i'm so stressed, it's been making me sick (my stomach's given up today). i feel like all i do is work these horrible temp jobs and work on my firm nights and weekends. i haven't ground my teeth since i was in high school--not even through law school or the bar--and i've been waking up with a sore jaw in the mornings the last few weeks. i think i pulled my left side mandible joint tendons.
there is so much to do and i can't seem to get in front of it. sure, i know that this is will probably be the toughest point of setting up my firm: this working two-jobs, build your presence, network, organize administratively-thing. and while my to-do list is a million miles long, i have made significant progress in the last two months. the tough thing is the instability of this temp work. i was on a project for nearly 6 months, which finished in the beginning of june, since then it has been short and inconsistent work. death by a thousand cuts.
luckily, everyone is very encouraging, and when i feel like this and throw up my hands: i feel the warmth and love of people in my life and can't help but be steadied.
i've gone all-in on this bet, and i'm holding out for the payout. i still think i can do it, but i know how much more has to happen first before is suppose to click. i'm taking all the right steps, i just need to believe in myself and keep walking. i'm doing this for myself, but i'm also doing this for my mom and dad; for my sister; for my friends; for the people i want to help receive health care services, access to diagnostic testing; and for the benefit i can make on the world around me. that will be my legacy. ugh, when am i going to catch a break? :)
what else?
:::: break a couple weeks ::::
I am better. I've stopped grinding my teeth. I've made some headway with networking and getting my name out there, and that feels good. Blogging has slowed down, but that is because I have found a decent project, and I've had a lot of meetings this month; so that's a good thing. It's nice to be a little more stable financially after the rocky summer. I have even had some nibbles on lab jobs.
The place I am working now seems like a good setup. They made sure I had access to the bike room and shower facility (which even has a steam room), and the supervisors treat us well. I have been receiving my weekly veggie delivery (local organic seasonal, delivered to my door for ~$14/week), which has made for some yummy cooking.
There are a lot of events coming up: mountain goats concert, one-shot game with some friends I've made over the last year, and my 6th annual V for Vendetta party with my bff coming in for that weekend. I feel like I am starting to make some good friends I'm Chicago, which is great. I saw the cat circus a couple of weeks ago, and went to the black cat ball last week.
With all my firm work and full time job, squeezing in a few social events is about all I have been able to manage. I've been a hermit in the romance department. There is a guy I met early in the summer, who is incredibly sweet and I enjoy his company. He basically comes over during the weekend, and we hangout, cook, go out, and he'll usually spends the night on my air mattress. We don't kiss or even hold hands, but we'll snuggle during a movie. It's a strange place, but it is pleasant. He satisfies the domestic, companionship needs I have without pressuring me for more. I still feel like my heart is too broken to be moved. I haven't been attracted to the idea of a lover, and haven't found anyone who I really want that way in a long time (well getting close to a year, which is long for me). Buddhist nun seems like a better outcome at this point.
:::break a week:::
Went to the Mountain Goat's concert last night, and they were amazing as always. I love John Darnielle, he is an amazing and inspiring person.
there is so much to do and i can't seem to get in front of it. sure, i know that this is will probably be the toughest point of setting up my firm: this working two-jobs, build your presence, network, organize administratively-thing. and while my to-do list is a million miles long, i have made significant progress in the last two months. the tough thing is the instability of this temp work. i was on a project for nearly 6 months, which finished in the beginning of june, since then it has been short and inconsistent work. death by a thousand cuts.
luckily, everyone is very encouraging, and when i feel like this and throw up my hands: i feel the warmth and love of people in my life and can't help but be steadied.
i've gone all-in on this bet, and i'm holding out for the payout. i still think i can do it, but i know how much more has to happen first before is suppose to click. i'm taking all the right steps, i just need to believe in myself and keep walking. i'm doing this for myself, but i'm also doing this for my mom and dad; for my sister; for my friends; for the people i want to help receive health care services, access to diagnostic testing; and for the benefit i can make on the world around me. that will be my legacy. ugh, when am i going to catch a break? :)
what else?
:::: break a couple weeks ::::
I am better. I've stopped grinding my teeth. I've made some headway with networking and getting my name out there, and that feels good. Blogging has slowed down, but that is because I have found a decent project, and I've had a lot of meetings this month; so that's a good thing. It's nice to be a little more stable financially after the rocky summer. I have even had some nibbles on lab jobs.
The place I am working now seems like a good setup. They made sure I had access to the bike room and shower facility (which even has a steam room), and the supervisors treat us well. I have been receiving my weekly veggie delivery (local organic seasonal, delivered to my door for ~$14/week), which has made for some yummy cooking.
There are a lot of events coming up: mountain goats concert, one-shot game with some friends I've made over the last year, and my 6th annual V for Vendetta party with my bff coming in for that weekend. I feel like I am starting to make some good friends I'm Chicago, which is great. I saw the cat circus a couple of weeks ago, and went to the black cat ball last week.
With all my firm work and full time job, squeezing in a few social events is about all I have been able to manage. I've been a hermit in the romance department. There is a guy I met early in the summer, who is incredibly sweet and I enjoy his company. He basically comes over during the weekend, and we hangout, cook, go out, and he'll usually spends the night on my air mattress. We don't kiss or even hold hands, but we'll snuggle during a movie. It's a strange place, but it is pleasant. He satisfies the domestic, companionship needs I have without pressuring me for more. I still feel like my heart is too broken to be moved. I haven't been attracted to the idea of a lover, and haven't found anyone who I really want that way in a long time (well getting close to a year, which is long for me). Buddhist nun seems like a better outcome at this point.
:::break a week:::
Went to the Mountain Goat's concert last night, and they were amazing as always. I love John Darnielle, he is an amazing and inspiring person.