Just want to be like we used to under the influence
Well, its been a very busy week. Taking over a store as your own keeps you very busy. But its now final, and its going pretty good, Upstart Comics and Games is now mine.
Other then that not alot new. My attitude is changing alot. I don't feel nearly as docile anymore as I used to. I was thinking for awhile, at my lower points, that maybe I was developing a mean streak. I think maybe it was always there, I just never knew when to use it ;) But all around, I don't feel mean, alot more detached maybe, but not mean.
Which is fine by me, I always take everything to personal anyways. Anyways, I've been noticing changes in my reactions, my behaviors. If I could make a list of my 3 goals for the next year I'd say to fight, fuck, and make money. Maybe that sounds primitive and severe, but isn't a large portion of what humans need to survive based on what it is instintual for us to do? Instincts more, logic less. Everything thats happened over the last few months is making me feel alot more like a predator. Tear apart whatever rises to oppose me instead of avoiding it or appeasing it. All is fair in love and war. Just another cliche until a friend of mine said it one night during a serious conversation, then it started to make sence.
I think I always avoided love and war. To harmful, scary concepts to me. But in the end you get burned anyways so its better to fight whats coming at you then to hide and hope it passes you by. My brain was so addled by such intence feelings of pain, fear, love, hate, desire, lust, conflict, and rage I could barely funcion. God how long was I a zombie for? Between the drugs, booze, intence repressed feelings, stress and personal neglect my brain dissolved into mush. I'm really not at all suprised I had a breakdown in November, it was a long time coming.
I feel oddly confident now, competetive and lustful tendancies have sprung forth from seemingly nowhere. I don't think any of this makes me a bad person though. Just a better human being, a being driven by decency along with raw animal instinct. This summer should be eventful, wait till the world sees who I really am. But most importantly, I'd like to get to know who I really am, and maybe ask me where I've been all these years.
In other news, been to the house a couple times lately. I don't know why, but it kinda disturbs me to see everyone extremely drunk, so often. I really don't like the idea of drinking for the sake of drinking. I think I won't be comfortable drinking unless I have a reason to celebrate, or relax, or if its a special occasion between people I knwo who rarely drink. I just don't like the notion of ever losing control again. I don't really know how anyone is doing at the house, oddly enough. Well I here bits here and there, and I know some of whats new, but not all. I kinda hoped I'd start hearing from them more, as of yet no ones been able to even come see my store. I do miss the house. I find I'm nesting more lately, trying to make my apartment mine. Losing your home against your will really makes you value the concept fo home so much more. I think my only complaint here is that I'm usually very lonely at night.
Anyways, time to putter.
Other then that not alot new. My attitude is changing alot. I don't feel nearly as docile anymore as I used to. I was thinking for awhile, at my lower points, that maybe I was developing a mean streak. I think maybe it was always there, I just never knew when to use it ;) But all around, I don't feel mean, alot more detached maybe, but not mean.
Which is fine by me, I always take everything to personal anyways. Anyways, I've been noticing changes in my reactions, my behaviors. If I could make a list of my 3 goals for the next year I'd say to fight, fuck, and make money. Maybe that sounds primitive and severe, but isn't a large portion of what humans need to survive based on what it is instintual for us to do? Instincts more, logic less. Everything thats happened over the last few months is making me feel alot more like a predator. Tear apart whatever rises to oppose me instead of avoiding it or appeasing it. All is fair in love and war. Just another cliche until a friend of mine said it one night during a serious conversation, then it started to make sence.
I think I always avoided love and war. To harmful, scary concepts to me. But in the end you get burned anyways so its better to fight whats coming at you then to hide and hope it passes you by. My brain was so addled by such intence feelings of pain, fear, love, hate, desire, lust, conflict, and rage I could barely funcion. God how long was I a zombie for? Between the drugs, booze, intence repressed feelings, stress and personal neglect my brain dissolved into mush. I'm really not at all suprised I had a breakdown in November, it was a long time coming.
I feel oddly confident now, competetive and lustful tendancies have sprung forth from seemingly nowhere. I don't think any of this makes me a bad person though. Just a better human being, a being driven by decency along with raw animal instinct. This summer should be eventful, wait till the world sees who I really am. But most importantly, I'd like to get to know who I really am, and maybe ask me where I've been all these years.
In other news, been to the house a couple times lately. I don't know why, but it kinda disturbs me to see everyone extremely drunk, so often. I really don't like the idea of drinking for the sake of drinking. I think I won't be comfortable drinking unless I have a reason to celebrate, or relax, or if its a special occasion between people I knwo who rarely drink. I just don't like the notion of ever losing control again. I don't really know how anyone is doing at the house, oddly enough. Well I here bits here and there, and I know some of whats new, but not all. I kinda hoped I'd start hearing from them more, as of yet no ones been able to even come see my store. I do miss the house. I find I'm nesting more lately, trying to make my apartment mine. Losing your home against your will really makes you value the concept fo home so much more. I think my only complaint here is that I'm usually very lonely at night.
Anyways, time to putter.