the only thing i ever really wanted to say was wrong
Yeah, so, I think I'm gonna call a halt on all mental break-downs, at least until the new year. I keep singing the White Stripes' 'Stop Breaking Down' in my head whenever I feel panicky. I hear Jack White in my mind yelling, 'Stop breaking down!' I just feel like time is flying by, and nothing is getting done no matter what I do, and it's all terribly stressful. The visa is still not done because I'm waiting on a letter from my tutor, and christ knows when he'll get around to that. I just pray that he isn't waiting until winter break is over, that it's just delayed in the mail. Dad's house...still not done. I need to repaint his dining nook, and none of the outlets in the kitchen are working, and the plumbing isn't secured, and I told everyone that we'd be in there by Christmas, but now that's just a week away, and I just don't see how it can be done. I've not kept in touch with anyone, and I feel like a proper shit for that. And on top of it all, Moo and I have been searching high and lo for a Wii for Dad to give Laura for her birthday, which is just three days after Christmas, and of course no one ever has one because they're still a huge item on everyone's gift list. Tomorrow morning Moo and I are rolling out at the crack of dawn to see if this one Wal-Mart in boo-foo Tennessee might get a shipment in.
On top of everything, I have felt little to no holiday spirit, and that pisses me off. It's finally gotten colder, but I just can't manage to get that lovely warm feeling, try as I might. And the pressure to feel that spirit with a week to go is not helping. I'm just frazzled out of my mind. I stress-shifted my period into oblivion, which is always delightful, and I feel guilty for any time I try to secure for myself.
Arrrgh! Just arrrgh.
Mental stuff has been so-so. This kid who lived a couple of miles away from me growing up, the little brother of one of my best friends as a child, he died in a car wreck on Thanksgiving. It upset me more than I let anyone know. I hadn't so much as seen him since I went to uni, but it was just so sad. I kept thinking of his sister, Laura, and how awful it must be for her, losing her brother like that, and at the holidays, too. I think Mom was like me, not telling anyone but secretly being upset. Laura said that Mom cried, saying, 'He was Tweety's youngest.' I suppose most people do that, think about what if it had happened to them. On one hand it feels selfish, but on the other sometimes it's the only way to relate to another human being. I wanted to send Laura a card, but I didn't. I made up excuses, not knowing her address and such, but I could have. I should have. I still should. But I don't know if I really will. I feel like such a bad person. No one was there for me when Papaw died, no one outside of my family. It was the most horrible time in my life, and I had to go through it very much alone most of the time, but I don't want to let that change me. I want to be a good person. I want to do the right thing. I want to reach out to other people, give them the comfort I never got. But it's still so hard. I worry sometimes about being bitter about it all. There's still a tiny part of me that's angry at the whole universe for letting me down, for taking something so precious away and not replacing it with anything. It feels unfair, and it goes against my whole belief in universal balance. I wish I could understand it, I wish I could have it explained to me in a way that makes sense.
So that's me, in a nutshell, right now. All this stuff keeps swirling around in my head, and I can't stop feeling dizzy, no matter what I do. I feel like if I could get even one big thing done I'd feel better. I really wish that letter from my tutor would materialize this week. Despite all my talk of running away, I really am excited to move back to England, even if only for another year. I think I've been freaking out so much because usually I run away and everyone else stays the same, so I always have a place to return to. But this time everyone else is changing and moving, and me running away won't change that. It would just mean that I would have to start all over again, again. Plus everyone else seems like they're grown-up, and I must admit to feeling a bit left behind. Sometimes I think, yeah, I wanna be grown-up, too! But other times it makes me hide in my bed for days on end. I think some meditation is in order, some deep breathing, some good music, and focusing on the little steps I can take one at a time.
All apologies for not keeping in touch, for airing my breakdowns, and for the belated holiday cards.